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Original poster

I don't love my baby

85 replies

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 07/08/2021 15:43

My baby is 8 days old and I feel absolutely nothing towards him. I had a difficult birth that's left me with an infected episiotomy so I'm in a lot of pain and I gave up on breastfeeding after just a few days. I feel like such a failure as a mum already and so guilty for not being able to bond with him. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not enjoying any of it. I knew it would be hard but there haven't been any special moments at all. My midwife told me to speak to my GP who has prescribed antidepressants but I can't believe I'm already at that stage so soon after giving birth. How can I bond with him? Is it normal to just not love him at all?

OP posts:
sarahc336 · 07/08/2021 17:19

Spent the first few weeks like this with dd1, totally normal. At the end of the day some people instantly fall in love with their babies but a lot don't and why would you as you know nothing about them. You've not interacted together before to form a bond. Plus having a difficult birth will defo affect how you feel. Try to spend some nice time together and over time the bond will form, you'll be doing great, it's really tough this early on ☺️ xx

RummidgeGeneral · 07/08/2021 17:20

I think wish women knew how normal it is not to have those feelings. It was a time of horrible guilt for me. When my baby was about six weeks old I accidentally spilt cold water on them and the relief when they cried and I had a rush of love was massive. Just relax. Love will come when it's ready. X

LionMummyRoar · 07/08/2021 17:26

Strangely, I had a traumatic birth with my first and did have that rush of love (hormones?), had a straight forward birth with my second and didn't. Felt completely detached and just went through the motions as everyone has already said. At about 6 weeks felt closer to him, but I cannot honestly say I loved him fiercely until he was a few months old. Years later, again as people have also suggested, it has made no difference to our bond. In fact, the younger one is much more of a "mummy's boy".
Get rest, get advice from GP and HV and please, please be kind to yourself. Your body and and mind are in shock and you will recover, but it just might take some time.

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whatswithtodaytoday · 07/08/2021 17:28

It was a good couple of weeks until I loved mine too. I remember kissing the top of his head one day and feeling surprised that I'd wanted to - I hadn't really felt anything much until then.

Pegasusmail · 07/08/2021 17:29

It's such early days Flowers
It will come

MyNameForToday1980 · 07/08/2021 17:32

When I was 10 days pp I queried whether we'd have to literally die to send DD to an orphanage.

It got better SO fast, and she is now a very much loved 4.5 year old.

It. Will. Get. So. Much. Better.

MintyGreenDream · 07/08/2021 17:32

This was me.7.5 years ago and I still feel guilty now even though I know I had pnd/ptsd and it wasn't my fault.I didn't bond with ds properly until he was around 1.I absolutely adore him now.
Please get some help,you've been through an awful time.

Pissinthepottyplease · 07/08/2021 17:33

It’s all very normal. What worked for me was using a sling but I didn’t start doing that until she was 6 months.

FullMoonInsomnia · 07/08/2021 17:36

What’s worrying is that the doctor and midwife don’t seem to realise this is normal. Instead they are making it a problem and trying to medicate OP. Awful.

Elisemum · 07/08/2021 17:36

So normal, hang in there - things will get better! I had an elective c section and it wasn’t particularly hard but still the first few weeks were a blur… your whole life is suddenly upside down, you are expected to care for a brand new baby - something you’ve never done before! And that’s all on top of pain after birth/ breastfeeding! The first month or 2 are a very weird/lonely time and there is no way of explaining it to someone who hasn’t had a baby. I’m due my second baby in 8 weeks and I’m only hoping this time things will be easier and less stressful. Hang in there, you are doing fine and the bond will come and it will be amazing!!

asparalite · 07/08/2021 17:38

Completely to be expected although no one tells you, you need to focus on rest and looking after yourself, and try not to be hard on yourself.
I can remember feeling nothing towards my baby, the first few weeks are a really tough time, there will be bad days and better days, hopefully it won't be too long until you're feeling back to normal

Rummikub · 07/08/2021 17:41

As others have posted it’s normal.
It took me 6 weeks with my first after an EMCS. I kept expecting someone to come take my baby away.

DSGBT · 07/08/2021 17:51

I can honestly say up until he was 4 months old if I could have sent my first baby back I would have done. Didn’t bond with him, didn’t like any part of him being a newborn, we had a nightmare feeding him and I just hated it! Once he was around 4 months old I just realised it was a bit easier suddenly and we went from there. It does get better, I promise, you’ve been so brave talking about it, I’ve only really admitted feeing like that in the last year (DS is 5 now). I didn’t have that instant love with my twins either. It will come, you will get there xx

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 07/08/2021 17:51

I never felt that instant love. It took until they smiled at me and were excited to see me, that I bonded with them.

DoingItMyself · 07/08/2021 17:53

Perfectly normal. Keep him close by, do what he needs, it will come.

EllaBlaire · 07/08/2021 17:54

Try not to worry, it’s completely normal… your baby is practically a stranger at the moment who has been parachuted into your life. It takes time.

I’m sure you’ve been given antibiotics for the episiotomy, but remember to keep up with your ibuprofen and paracetamol too. (Unless you’ve been advised otherwise by your Dr) you can have both 4 times in 24 hours. So I used to alternate doses of paracetamol and ibuprofen every 3 hours day and night.
Being in pain alters your mental state and the ibuprofen also reduces swelling which will help the healing.

Inni632 · 07/08/2021 18:03

I went through this until baby was 3 months old. I was very protective of DS and took care of him in everyway but felt no love. Then suddenly I realised how much I love him

Vicky1989x · 07/08/2021 19:46

I had an infected episiotomy, my baby was also in the NNU for 1 week (during lockdown too) so when she came home I felt the same. It was really hard to bond with her as I was in so much pain.

Once my infection cleared and I was more comfortable things did get easier.

It’s hard OP, but you will get there Flowers

MooseBreath · 08/08/2021 00:22

This is so normal.

Sometimes it takes longer to bond with your baby, and that is ok! You are making sure he is fed, warm, and clean. For now, that is the best you can do.

I hated the newborn stage. I was in pain from the birth (infected episiotomy, thrush, and mastitis). I didn't enjoy breastfeeding, I struggled to understand why my baby was crying. I hated how utterly thankless it was - all that work and not even a smile in return? It felt suffocating.

Then before I knew it, DS was this little person with a personality and he looked less like a squashed potato. I don't know when it was, but I definitely loved him as time went on.

You can do this. Your baby is so lucky to have you - a mum who cares enough that she seeks help from people she doesn't even know! You aren't doing anything wrong and all will be well.

Remember to take care of yourself. You are important too! Flowers

Peach01 · 08/08/2021 01:14

You're not a failure! Your body has been through so much. Birth is hard hard work. If it was a time where you had a medical incision on your vagina/bum cheek, stitched back up, dealing with infection you would be focusing on recovering alone.
You have a newborn to take care of, in pain, you're forced at times to ignore your own needs.
Ontop of that there's a notion that we need to have all the plates spinning while being in a blissful baby bubble. It's not a reality.

It's no wonder you're feeling the way you are. Try to let the expectation of how you should feel as a new mum go. I remember the first few weeks feeling like chaos where I was trying to hold it together, all I wanted to do was cry. I was in agony and couldn't recover.

It got easier over time, the pain healed, slowly but surely adapted a routine (which will forever be a work in progress) the bond got stronger.

You've breastfed for the first few days and that's a great thing you've done. Nap when baby does, stay in your pjs, do whatever you can to give yourself rest for your recovery. Bonding will come once you're not as physically and mentally drained.

Xlalalaladdd · 08/08/2021 19:29

I'm another one who didn't love their baby straight off. I felt terrible about it, but he could have been anyone's.
Please don't feel bad about it, I think a lot of women feel this way, whether they have PND or not. Look after yourself, and you'll start to bond when you are feeling better

Ihaveoflate · 08/08/2021 20:29

I'm not sure I really loved mind until she was at least a year old. In the early days, I couldn't even say her name because I just felt so detached - she was just 'the baby'. I took care of her but there was no love.

It will come in time. Try not to put any pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. It's hard enough!

lking679 · 08/08/2021 20:46

It’s normal. 8 days is no time at all to adjust!
I think my DD was over 2 before it really kicked in. It was actually more bonding and getting to know her as a person than any instant bond!
I didn’t have a great birth and breastfeeding was a complete nightmare and it did harm my bond with her. But I grew to love her.
I was happy to look after her as a baby though, interact, read etc... If you’re feeling you are struggling to look after baby then do seek help and support.

shazzz1xx · 08/08/2021 22:13

That tiny little baby loves and relys on you… that feels so good wait while they say I love you mummy… heart melts ❤️

Original poster
SlovenlyUnwedMother · 09/08/2021 02:26

Wow, thank you so much everyone. I really wasn't expecting so many people to say they had felt the same and it's given me hope. I was in such a low place when I posted this a couple of days ago and honestly your responses have kept me going. I felt a little brighter yesterday and started to actually enjoy spending time with my baby so hopefully the bond will follow soon.

OP posts:
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