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Parenting

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Original poster

I don't love my baby

85 replies

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 07/08/2021 15:43

My baby is 8 days old and I feel absolutely nothing towards him. I had a difficult birth that's left me with an infected episiotomy so I'm in a lot of pain and I gave up on breastfeeding after just a few days. I feel like such a failure as a mum already and so guilty for not being able to bond with him. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not enjoying any of it. I knew it would be hard but there haven't been any special moments at all. My midwife told me to speak to my GP who has prescribed antidepressants but I can't believe I'm already at that stage so soon after giving birth. How can I bond with him? Is it normal to just not love him at all?

OP posts:

FullMoonInsomnia · 09/08/2021 08:15

You’ll be absolutely fine OP. Just give yourself time to heal and recover.

Peach01 · 10/08/2021 17:51

@SlovenlyUnwedMother that's great to hear. Without knowing you, I can guarantee that you do love your baby. It's sometimes a love that isn't realised until we're over all the other hurdles.

KL92xxxx · 10/08/2021 18:55

Please don’t put pressure on yourself. My baby was born at the start of lockdown in March 2020, I thought the world had played a practical joke on me. It was so hard, I was so tired. My life wasn’t my own and I wasn’t me. I saw my little boy as sort of like my friends baby, I cared for him but I not in the way I expected, but gradually over weeks and months that bond occurred all by itself and now he’s 16 months and the love of my life. Definitely reach out for help and speak to your HV / GP, but please don’t pressure yourself or worry too much. Take care of him as best as you can and the rest will follow xx

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Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 10/08/2021 19:00

I can't stand when people talk about 'the first time you see your child... The love you feel blah blah blah'.
It makes any of us that didn't have that believe something is wrong with us!
You are only 8 DAYS PP!!! Your hormones are flooding, you're still recovering, you're shattered. Despite being your child, it's still a stranger you need to get to know and build a relationship with. It takes time.
Be kind to yourself, take it easy, rest when you can.
I'm surprised you've been advised to take ADs at just over a week after the trauma you've been through.

User1357 · 10/08/2021 19:03

This is really normal. Take the tablets and give yourself a break. It’s hard bloody work c

SilverGlassHare · 10/08/2021 19:05

Christ, it took me at least 3 months before I could say I loved DS. I wasn’t indifferent - I was massively protective of him and very concerned about his welfare. But I didn’t love him. I honestly think anyone who has a difficult birth or a colicky baby and can say they love them has Stockholm Syndrome! I love him to distraction now (though he can still drive me crazy aged six!). It’ll come.

SwanShaped · 10/08/2021 19:08

I agree, totally normal. It’s not like the movies. You’ve had a huge physical trauma. Give it time, maybe even weeks or months. Your bond will come, little by little and just grow. Also, some ages just aren’t that fun. I wasn’t so into babies but love toddlers! They’re much more cute. To me. Everyone is different.

Bluegreen143 · 12/08/2021 08:48

Little late to this party but just to concur with everyone else - it’s normal.

With DS, despite breastfeeding going well and having an easy birth, “easy” baby and no PND I definitely didn’t get the rush of love. I’m not sure how long it took because it built gradually. I do remember one day when he was about 3/4 months old lying there cooing and smiling at me it really hit me and I had a huge very memorable rush of fierce love then.

With my DD (second child) I DID feel a very strong instant connection and adored her from the moment she was born. She was a much more challenging baby than DS, had reflux and didn’t sleep so I found it much harder but and I also think it made me very protective of her.

As others have said it’s had zero bearings on my relationship with either child long-term. In fact if anything I find it easier to connect with DS, who is extremely loving, though it’s not a fair comparison because he’s older and is at a reasonable age/stage rather than being a toddler terrorist! They are coming up for 6 and 3 in a few months.

Xlalalaladdd · 12/08/2021 19:11

OP I heard a bit about not instantly bonding with your baby on woman's hour on radio 4 today, listen back if you can, it was incredibly reassuring

EmmaGrundyForPM · 12/08/2021 19:17

I had very bad PND after DS1 was born. It took months to be diagnosed and treated as I was very embarrassed and didn't ask for help as I couldn't admit I was struggling. Luckily I had an amazing Health Visitor.

You are absolutely not the only new mum to feel like this. Please do talk to your midwife or HV. No one will judge you.

Original poster

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 02/01/2022 19:15

I just wanted to give a little update for anyone who stumbles across this thread who feels the same as I did. It's now five months on and, as all the lovely people who answered predicted, I ADORE my baby! It took time for the bond to form but now those scary early days feel like a lifetime ago. If you're reading this and struggling, I promise it will get better.

OP posts:

Alitlebitsleepy · 02/01/2022 19:29

@slovenlyunwedmother thank you for the update!! I commented on your original post so it was so lovely to see that you're doing so well. Hopefully this will be a real help for others who are feeling similarly to how you felt. Xx

sashagabadon · 02/01/2022 19:32

That’s so lovely to hear

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 02/01/2022 19:51

@SlovenlyUnwedMother

This is beautiful OP. Im pleased for you 🙂

mogkat · 02/01/2022 20:24

That's so lovely to read OP!

And thank you for coming back to update as you're right, someone else having those feelings will probably come across this thread one day and it will fill them with hope and to know it gets better

Bibbidybobbidybooboo · 02/01/2022 20:34

Breastfeeding is wonderful, but it is not the measure of how good a mum your are, and although it can help with bonding, it is not the only way to bond with your baby. Some people love their babies from the moment they know they are pregnant, some from when they hold them, and some take a few weeks. Any longer than that, and you might need some professional help, but it STILL doesn't mean you are a bad mum or that you will never bond. Babies need to be held A LOT, fed and changed, and it's good for them to hear your voice. But as long as you are doing that, especially the holding (or carrying in a sling), your baby will be none the wiser about the turmoil in your head. Enlist people to do the carrying and holding for you so you can have plenty of self-care breaks, and eventually, that bond will most likely come as you start to feel better and less exhausted. X

Bibbidybobbidybooboo · 02/01/2022 20:35

Just realised this was an old thread!!!!!

AllYouCanEatBrestaurant · 02/01/2022 20:40

So fantastic for you to take the time to update op. I hadn't realised it was an old thread and was coming to say as others had that it's perfectly normal not to bond straight away, even with the easiest of births. It took me weeks with both of mine to get to the point I actually felt love, before then was just duty of keeping them alive and well. I remember googling if I could give new born dc2 to social services and still keep dc1 back in the early days.

Incywinceyspider · 02/01/2022 20:42

Please don't beat yourself up about this. I was exactly the same when DS was born. There are no photos of me smiling when he was a newborn. I look exactly how I felt - exhausted, in pain and overwhelmed. I also had an infected episiotomy and it was hideous. Once that cleared up I felt a lot better.

I did bond with DS but it took a few weeks, possibly a couple of months. I hate all this "rush of love" stuff that is spouted about birth. It's damaging to people who don't feel this way instantly. Sometimes it takes a while and that ok. It doesn't make you a bad parent at all

Incywinceyspider · 02/01/2022 20:43

Oops just seen your update. So glad you're feeling better and I hope that anyone else feeling the same finds this thread and feels reassured.

Mayhemmumma · 02/01/2022 20:44

Totally normal, pain and exhaustion are not joyful, just get through hour by hour and that love will come.

Freetodowhatiwant · 02/01/2022 20:44

I fell in love with the first one overnight but it took a few months with the other one. Not sure what the difference was but in my small sample of two it’s not always an immediate thing.

BertieBotts · 02/01/2022 20:45

It can be absolutely normal for it to take time. Don't worry. I spent the first few days with DS1 feeling like I was looking after him for someone else and they were going to come and take him back at any moment.

The rush of love is a bit of a myth, it happens for some people but not all and it doesn't mean you're any less of a mother if you don't experience it.

You have only just met this little person. It's totally fine not to be in love yet. And there is no shame in antidepressants, but if this is your only symptom then don't feel that you have to take them. Maybe just keep them around for in case you feel you want to try? It took me a couple of weeks to start turning the corner emotionally after my most difficult birth, with day ten being the peak of the shit feelings. Birth is a trauma whatever happens and it's especially hard if you had an experience like you have. Be kind and give yourself the expectation of needing time. Talk about it if you want to, to friends who are understanding and who gave given birth.

BertieBotts · 02/01/2022 20:46

Oh I feel silly now that I didn't check the date but very very glad you feel better now OP

LessTime · 02/01/2022 20:46

What a lovely update. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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