My son keeps talking about his daddy but he hasn’t seen him for 4 years

[MamaOl93]

My son is 4, last saw his dad when he was 3 months old. Keeps talking or making things for his “daddy” which I get is probably from him hearing his friends talk about their dads.

I received his dads phone number today after asking my son’s grandad for it, the dad agreed I could have it. However I’m completely at a loss as to whether I should even message him now?

He’s not on the birth certificate and I’m terrified that if he eventually gets on it, he’ll take my son and I won’t be able to do anything about it.

@Lsquiggles no not at all, it’s just something I wouldn’t put past him x

If he's basically never met him, sounds like it's more him engaging with the theoretical concept of a "daddy", he's basically an imaginary dad crossed with the cultural expectations of one.

I remember someone I know had a daughter about the same age, and the grandmother had died a good 10-15 years before this little girl was born. So my friend would talk about her mum and there were photos in the house and such but the little girl had obviously never met her. She was called "special grandma", to be different from the dad's mum who was still around. At five or so something clicked and suddenly she would cry getting upset about how she missed special grandma! She knew what a grandma was and was upset about this one she'd never actually met, to the point of tears. Her way of expressing a loss of the concept rather than sadness for a relative who'd died well before she was born.

I think its a difficult decision and you are the only one who can make it.
We all have a need to know where we come from, who we "belong to". Whether it is just satisfying a curiosity and answering questions, or it is establishing a father figure are two very different things.

I don't know, this is tough. Children can really struggle with self esteem when a parent leaves, but also with an unreliable parent. I think keep hold of the number for now, maybe with the aim of sending a neutral message in future asking if it is his intention / wish to have contact in the future. The trouble with doing it now is he is very young to have contact without you with a man he doesn't know. Try giving him a name or a photo and tell him Dad loves him but had to go away/was poorly /mum and dad had an argument - kids need a narrative they can understand that makes it NOT THEIR fault, otherwise they internalise that they must be bad/unlovable. Concentrate on building a great secure base for your son.

[quote MamaOl93]@FortunesFave he just hasn’t, that’s my honest answer. He just didn’t care enough. Which I know how it sounds, I don’t want him involved either. But it’s just cause my son is talking about dads (I know him being around other kids has influenced him) I just can’t help but wonder what to do if my son wants that?[/quote]
@MamaOl93 all children want their parents, it's completely normal and unless in exceptional circumstances, children thrive best with both of their parents. It took 2 parents to bring him into existence after all.

You don't own your son. If you think this "daddy"phase will go away then think again. It will be even higher when he approaches teen years and beyond, and naturally seeks his dad as a model for becoming a man. Unless his dad is abusive to him, there's no reason at all why he should be stopped from seeing his own parent and flesh and blood. Boys need their dad and research has shown how detrimental it is for kids with absent fathers. Your son will also very likely turn against you when he's older when he finds out from his dad that you were given his contact details but you deliberately blocked him from forming a relationship with his own son which will obviously have deep lasting consequences for their relationship.

If the man wanted to see his son, he would contact you. Sorry but everyone saying kids need their Dads. Kids need a stable Dad who want to be in their lives. Not someone who goes off on their jollys for 4 years then decide what the heck, I'll see you if you want me to.

Stay as you are OP.

You don't own your son. If you think this "daddy"phase will go away then think again. It will be even higher when he approaches teen years and beyond, and naturally seeks his dad as a model for becoming a man. Unless his dad is abusive to him, there's no reason at all why he should be stopped from seeing his own parent and flesh and blood. Boys need their dad and research has shown how detrimental it is for kids with absent fathers. Your son will also very likely turn against you when he's older when he finds out from his dad that you were given his contact details but you deliberately blocked him from forming a relationship with his own son which will obviously have deep lasting consequences for their relationship.

This is COMPLETE rubbish. The OP isn't keeping her son from his father. The father has shown NO interest in seeing his own child in more than 3 years. Nobody needs a dad that shite (and love the sexist 'boys' need their dads - girls are fine being abandoned by a father are they???)

Op, don't make big decisions about trying to make a man who has shown zero interest in his own flesh and blood show that interest. if your son does see him and then he flakes off again, it will be a lot worse.

@givemushypeasachance

If he's basically never met him, sounds like it's more him engaging with the theoretical concept of a "daddy", he's basically an imaginary dad crossed with the cultural expectations of one.

I remember someone I know had a daughter about the same age, and the grandmother had died a good 10-15 years before this little girl was born. So my friend would talk about her mum and there were photos in the house and such but the little girl had obviously never met her. She was called "special grandma", to be different from the dad's mum who was still around. At five or so something clicked and suddenly she would cry getting upset about how she missed special grandma! She knew what a grandma was and was upset about this one she'd never actually met, to the point of tears. Her way of expressing a loss of the concept rather than sadness for a relative who'd died well before she was born.

This is a brilliant post and sums up exactly what I was going to say.

You son has conjured the idea of a ‘daddy’ figure in his imagination based on what he is learning from other children and tv.
He’s not talking about the man who fathered him, he’s talking about what he imagines a daddy to be.

Don’t rush into making decisions based on what you think he wants. Do what you know will be best for him in the long run.

If he’s not been bothered before I doubt he would try for custody. He’s definitely not get it any time soon with his previous behaviour. I honestly think you owe it to your son to try and make some contact to see if it is something that the dad would be interested in. 12 years down the line, if asked, I’m sure it would be easier to say you did broach his dad but he wasn’t open to contact.

Is your son asking about his dad, or just talking in more general terms? If he's happy with 'dad' as an abstract idea, I wouldn't go any further with it.