MIL bought book on autism for 18 month old

[brushlaptop]

We have an 18 month old son who isn't talking very much yet. He communicates a lot with me, a little with his father (he's not great with outsiders I think due to covid) but it's not really words yet more actions and gestures etc.
Anyway, my DH mentioned to his parents and his MIL turns up with a book about how to raise autistic children, and my PIL took him to the park one afternoon (my fault, I should never have let him take him!) and he sent me a long video of him being "autistic" playing with a toy in the park which is literally designed to get kids attention.
I am really offended by this and don't really know how to react to them. I felt pressured into paying £750 for an autism assessment for him (obviously it came back saying you can't test for autism at this age but they recommend speech therapy to get him talking which we are doing) and every time we see them it's literally their favourite topic of conversation, especially my FIL.

My question is, do I tell them to back off or just ignore? My husband has already mentioned to them that they shouldn't bring it up but they still do.

@ChaBishkoot yeah you are right I just felt conned as they said they could diagnose an autistic child from 12 months at this centre then to have no diagnosis...
Agree the speech is a red flag, on it with the baby sign language and speech therapy!

Many 18 month olds aren't really talking. DD only had about 5 words at 18 months, but was talking in sentences by 20 months. DS only had 4 words up until the age of 2, but was talking fluently by 2.5, and at age 6 has excellent language skills and is well ahead of the rest of his class in reading. Late talking does not usually indicate autism. Ignore MIL and follow your own instincts.

I think you should...start of by saying you are confused as to why you were given a book on autism..let them try and explain and then tell them what I said earlier or similar.

Hi OP

I think some posters on here are being harsh towards your MIL, although I can see why you might disagree. It may be that she is meaning well, albeit approached matters in the wrong way.

It shouldn’t be offensive to suggest someone may have asd, even though lots of people on here seem to think otherwise.

I am a bit surprised you paid so much for an assessment if you had no doubts. And the service sounds appalling. I wonder if you are cross because MIL is making you doubt yourself? If so, maybe google MCHAT. It’s a sort of questionnaire for early asd detection. In my limited experience it’s very telling. Hopefully will put your mind at ease.

We paid for private SALT at that age for my kid (who does have asd) and she was absolutely amazing in helping us communicate with him (he started speaking after a couple of months and after 6 months she said she couldn’t take any more money). She also was incredibly reluctant to even discuss asd, dc being so young, even when we repeatedly raised it. If money isn’t an issue you could consider that as they will have more time for your dc than nhs.

I agree with blanktimes- there may be some reason why she is concerned about this. Possibly ask her? If she knows you aren’t in denial it may also close it down from her point of view.

@Fromwhenceshecame I honestly think that's it- she is making me doubt myself and my instincts. THAT is what gets my back up so much. Like I've said a number of times I don't think being autistic is a bad thing at all honestly there are so so many smart autistic people it's just a different way of processing and needs support in certain ways, I just know deep down that he isn't and feel like I need to "prove" it to her with all these expensive tests.

We had our first speech therapy sessions today (private). The lady was lovely 😊 it may take DS some time to get used to her. What environment did you find worked best to do not he therapy in? We are having her come to the house but he gets so distracted by all his toys!

@Fromwhenceshecame I think she just has very high achieving children and grandchildren and he do isn't fit the mould. Her children went to top universities like Oxford etc and were probably reciting Shakespeare by 18 months. Clearly his lack of speech comes from me 😂

@SoftSheen thank you xxx

@brushlaptop Personally I’d hit her with the book 😬 They’ve raised it with you as a concern, you’ve acknowledged their concern and asked them to leave the issue for now. She’s now ramming it down your throat at every opportunity. I couldn’t be bothered with that!!
I’d stop contact with my own MIL for that. She pisses me off enough with her daily phone calls and her concern that DS will be “behind” because I didn’t let people visit him at the height of the pandemic - “is he doing X yet?”, “he should be doing Y by now” 🙄 No he shouldn’t be walking at 8 months. No he isn’t talking yet at 8 months 🙄 bore off!

We went to her- it was a kind of play room but she chose when to get the toys out. Most of what we did was in the weeks in between sessions. It was more about teaching us to help him.

Thing is, our kid does have asd, so probably isn’t relevant to your situation. I’d be wary of spending too much money to assist a neurotypical child who doesn’t need it. I don’t think our salt would have kept taking our money if it wasn’t necessary, but there will be charlatans out there!

You don’t need to prove anything to MIL. Only enough to reassure yourself.

They would not be allowed around my child

@brushlaptop the NHS one they played a game where they put the toy man in the toy boat when they heard the sound. When she didn't they just said she was bored didn't want to play etc she had 2 or 3 tests.

The private one really was the same but he got her to put her hand up and he was just really good at taking his time and knowing when she was guessing, had enough etc.

The issue with the NHS is that they say if they can hear up to 40 decibels then their hearing is ok. Hers was high 30s. In reality for young DC their hearing should be sensitive to high frequencies in the high teens.

So she had auditory processing dysfunction, fortunately was treatable for her with johansen therapy.

18 months is also very early for speech therapy as they need the comprehension to understand what to do etc

I would teach your DS baby sign language, he does communicate with you and that is a really huge thing in his favour.

Your MIL is probably on MN. People on here seem to be able to diagnose autism easily.

brushlaptop

I found for dd going to nursery was the trigger to start talking.
Before that she was mute and would just point at what she wanted.
Not a sound did she make.

I had another mum from the NCT group who we used to go out with come up to me and was asking about dd not talking. She had that feigned concerned look and was saying how her dd was already chatting and maybe I should look at asking the HV on why she was finding it so difficult

Fortunately other mums heard and the conversation suddenly went all quiet and they all chimed in that their dc weren’t talking yet either. Children develop at different times.
I remember one of them who I still talk to chimed in that her ds had only just mastered sitting up let alone walking. She did go and get him checked out and all they could say was he will get there.

She was the same mum who said the fact I wasn’t feeding dd meat meant my dd’s growth would be stunted.
Given how tall dd is compared to the heights of her dad and I. I think that was just another dig to make her feel better.

As the doctor said to my friend no 2 children develop at the same rate.

The company where you spent £750 or a diagnosis . Did they refer you onto someone else. Is that because they just wanted your money and let others do the diagnosis if there is one.

Honestly, sometimes others can see what you don't want to. I knew my sisters DD was on the spectrum from about 9 months old. It took until she was 8 for DS to accept and see what the rest of the family had known for years. It's possible they are right?

@whatthejiggeries

Honestly, sometimes others can see what you don't want to. I knew my sisters DD was on the spectrum from about 9 months old. It took until she was 8 for DS to accept and see what the rest of the family had known for years. It's possible they are right?

@whatthejiggeries Can I ask what it was that you you saw at 9m old that made you know she was autistic?!

@StrawberrySundayz she probably is 😂😂😂

@Bythemillpond I hate all the nct comparison stuff! My son was actually the first of them to walk, but I didn't mention it however whenever any of their kids did anything the WhatsApp chat blew up 😂😂😂

They didn't refer us onto anyone at all. They said speech therapy may help. But I found our SLT via google. They did however suggest coming back again in a year or so for another test (another £750) if we were still concerned 😂 the lady who set it up used to work for the management consultancy firm I work for so I know she is margin driven in her work (because I am too)

@whatthejiggeries are you friends with her?! there was every possibility she was right until we had a test and proved she was wrong 😂
She still likes to go on about it regardless. Yes interested to know the signs of autism are at
9 months.... do go on...

@RandomMess thank you so much that's really useful. I'm going to look into a hearing re-test xx

@RandomMess yes we are doing the baby sign language :) trying to teach him "more" this week!

@Fromwhenceshecame that sounds like a better idea, I think he is so distracted by all his toys at home! X

@tiredmama2020 your MIL also sounds very annoying! I am very close to book-hitting 😂😂

[quote brushlaptop]@tiredmama2020 your MIL also sounds very annoying! I am very close to book-hitting 😂😂[/quote]
@brushlaptop I don’t blame you 🤣🤣 in all seriousness though - you’re his mum, you know your child, don’t doubt yourself. If you or DH have any concerns then obviously it’s better to address them with professionals and give your DS any support that is required. But if you’re stressing out and going through all this for other people then don’t! As we all know, these little darlings do exactly what they want, when they want 🙈

My DS is 8m old - pulls to stand at every given opportunity on furniture, side of bath, a bare wall (😬) and is already cruising around holding furniture etc! My best friend was gobsmacked / her DS barely rolled over until he was 10m old! Then rolled, crawled and walked all before his first birthday! Her DS was babbling from about 5 months - mine barely made a sound until 7m. It’s all in their own time and not a second before!

Sorry OP but I find the whole dynamic here really weird!

Your ds is 18 months and doesn’t have much speech.
Your in laws are convinced he has autism and are giving you books about it, meanwhile you are convinced he doesn’t and have paid £750 so far to prove this and your family have paid for their own adult online ASD assessments?
It’s all very bizarre!

If he does have ASD then SALT will help him. If he doesn’t have ASD then SALT will help him. Point this out to your in laws and explain that you are not dismissive of the possibility of ASD but that SALT is the appropriate intervention for him now and you will rediscuss his development with his health visitor when he is 2. Until then you don’t want to discuss it further.

@Ikeameatballs they bring it up EVERY time we see them it's so frustrating and I don't want to fall out with them but I feel like screaming at them when they do. It makes me literally not want to see them at all.

It is ridiculous isn't it. The amount of money spent on those pointless tests. They just won't believe me without the medical evidence and even then they still doubt me.

Yes agree SALT is a no regrets move.