MIL bought book on autism for 18 month old

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We have an 18 month old son who isn't talking very much yet. He communicates a lot with me, a little with his father (he's not great with outsiders I think due to covid) but it's not really words yet more actions and gestures etc.
Anyway, my DH mentioned to his parents and his MIL turns up with a book about how to raise autistic children, and my PIL took him to the park one afternoon (my fault, I should never have let him take him!) and he sent me a long video of him being "autistic" playing with a toy in the park which is literally designed to get kids attention.
I am really offended by this and don't really know how to react to them. I felt pressured into paying £750 for an autism assessment for him (obviously it came back saying you can't test for autism at this age but they recommend speech therapy to get him talking which we are doing) and every time we see them it's literally their favourite topic of conversation, especially my FIL.

My question is, do I tell them to back off or just ignore? My husband has already mentioned to them that they shouldn't bring it up but they still do.

As a parent of children with Autism, and a person with Autism, I can tell you your in-laws are being completely and utterly unacceptable!

You are the parents and they are the grandparents, boundaries must be kept! This current relationships sounds extremely unhealthy.

@HopingForOurRainbowBaby I wish such a book existed! ;) with you on the jumbled speech!

@Iwonder08 yes maybe I need to be more direct with them

@toolazytothinkofausername I quite agree xx

Brushlaptop
Good luck in dealing with PIL.
Your son's desire to communicate with you and his inventive ways of doing so are not a pointer for autism at all. My friend's child didn't use words until way after 3 years old, but she communicated wonderfully without them, very much like your son is doing now.

You're doing brilliantly as parents, keep doing what you're doing (although being me, I'd push for PILs reasons, just to shut them down)

HopingForOurRainbowBaby your description of the way your words get jumbled between your brain and mouth and that happens more often when you're tired (and I'd guess stressed too) could, emphasis on the could, be linked to verbal dyspraxia. You may want to look into that and see if specific jaw muscle strengthening exercises could help.

It sounds as if you are meeting his needs without him needing to talk, one of mine didn't talk until 22 months, a year later was reading. Older siblings waiting on his ever whim probably meant he didn't need to talk. Once he started it unleashed a torrent of words and phrases he had obviously been storing away. We did do things such as asking him 'do you want the red car or the green car? to at least encourage receptive language. Seems bizarre to look back now and think we were worried about his language as he is very eloquent now and people have always laughed hearing such complex ideas come out of a child.

Maybe have a stock phrase such as 'we are doing it at a pace the professionals recommend.' It sounds as if he is engaging and communicating with you, just not verbally, yet.

Hi. I just want to say that I have a 20 month old and the isolation due to covid has majorly affected them. I didn't take them to baby groups as they weren't on. I didn't pass them round at family gatherings as we didn't have them. We played a lot at home and in the garden. As a result they interact with me, their siblings and dad but not with anyone new. If I have them in the pushchair even now they literally turn their head and blank people trying to talk to them!!! I don't think my child is on the spectrum (I work in this field) but I really think that the isolation has really impacted them. They have now started nursery. They took much longer to settle than my others but now they adore it there and love the interactions with all those people. I honestly think the impact of this pandemic socially on babies should not be underestimated.

@BlankTimes actually I have often wondered that because I also walk into things an awful lot even though I know they are there. I could walk through a wide opened door and think I've left enough room at both side yet still smack my elbow on the door frame Or say if I have to move the rotary stand I use on one of my calls I usually end up bashing it off the wall putting it back or running it over my foot. Those bastards are bloody heavy enough even without someone stood on it. I probably don't trip up as much as I used to do now but that's mainly because I focus more on the floor when I'm walking. Plus after falling last year after getting my foot caught in some over grown grass and barely being able to move the following day after a simple trip I'm more cautious. I do sometimes wonder if the fact that my speech has gotten worse might have something to do with me nearly braining myself during a bad fall

Why are you putting up with this?
Tell them to back off.
My ds could hardly speak at 18 months, it didn't worry anyone including the hv.
I suggest your inlaws go learn mandarin for 18 months just by listening and see how much they can speak.

My son has non-verbal autism. He did not talk and would lead us to things he wanted. That alone is not a sign. Some of the other red flags were that he did not point (that was a big one as all of the other kids seemed to point to toys or people), he did not make eye contact, liked to walk in circles, and he loved to spin things. I knew that he had autism early on and nobody would believe me until after he was two. Just keep an eye out because early intervention is important. Don't be too hard on your MIL. There are so many stories about autism and she is concerned.

Your PILs’ behaviour could arise from any one of a number of motivations:

Worry
A genuine, if ham fisted, attempt to help
Virtue signalling / trying to be ‘woke’ or prove how ‘with it’ they are by understanding ‘modern’ things like autism
Disapproval / disappointment and trying to wrap this up as concern and helpfulness
Guilt

I’m a little concerned by your reaction to the book though. There’s no doubt that your PILs have jumped the gun and overstepped the mark somewhat, but your response seems to imply that you’d think it a bad thing if your DC was autistic. Also being given a parenting book isn’t a criticism of you as a parent. Could you not just have said ‘Oh thanks MIL, hmm, we don’t think he’s autistic actually. Obviously though it’s far too early to be certain - we checked - but if it turns out he is, this book will come in handy! Thank you for thinking of me.’ And then put it away on an inconspicuous bookshelf and never mentioned it again?

This type of response would have the added benefit of disarming them if they do, by some chance, have a less-than-kind motive for their intervention. Of course if they then keep bringing even more books to try and ‘help’ then you can ask them please to stop. But I don’t think one probably well-intentioned book is really worth getting so upset over.

At age 2, our eldest only spoke 5 words. Don't worry, it's normal. They catch up.

Are you making up words?

The OP clearly said she paid for an assessment (clearly private) and they only recommended a speech therapist... Which. After £750 of course they'll bloody 'recomend' ...

Child is 18 months old. Unless there's overwhelming concern with evidence or medical complications, no GP in the country would refer an 18 month to SALT simply because, they aren't fully communicating via words yet. At minimum, it would be a referal at 24 months for a presumed NT child.

Ignore them, my three year old barely talked, I was slightly worried, a few years later, he’s a big chatterbox, funny , loud at times, but a great kid .

Stop seeing them

Get her a copy of this....

How To Be a Grandmother: Your Step-By-Step Guide To Grandmothering https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1537409972/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabcQS4A4DXKZA659RTGYEVR

@ButterflyCat2028

Are you making up words?

The OP clearly said she paid for an assessment (clearly private) and they only recommended a speech therapist... Which. After £750 of course they'll bloody 'recomend' ...

Child is 18 months old. Unless there's overwhelming concern with evidence or medical complications, no GP in the country would refer an 18 month to SALT simply because, they aren't fully communicating via words yet. At minimum, it would be a referal at 24 months for a presumed NT child.

Referral to speech therapy is the first stage of an early moderate ASD diagnosis pathway. If the consultant was sure child did not have ASD or another SEN issue they would not have referred at all. This referral suggests they want another professional to get involved and actively monitor.

They think they’re helping, but it’s clumsy at best and patronising and judgemental at worst.
As PP said, shut down any further comments firmly and cut your visits short. You have to train them like pavlov’s dogs so they understand that if they say/do things something will happen - in this case, ending of visit or call.

@MarshmallowSwede

Many 18 month olds aren’t talking. Especially boys as they tend to start speaking later than girls.

They need to stop this. There’s a reason why you can’t test an 18 month old for autism. It’s way too young to know.

I just would stop spending time with them and letting them spend time with my child.

This. Mine said nothing at 18 months, now almost 2 1/2 and is really chatty.

Just tell them to back off. Given that you paid £750 for a private assessment, do you have concerns yourself?

I think the above advice to say that you are taking it at the speed/directions the professionals recommend is a good approach.
Whilst they've jumped the gun, probably because they know someone/heard of someone whose grandchildren issues were not picked up, they do need to back off and let things unfold. Their misplaced help is probably because they have read that early intervention helps, which it does- but only if it is actually required.
My son, now 20, has autism and when we worried he was not speaking or reacting like other children I was told all children are different and they all speak sooner or later. Our son was diagnosed at 4, investigations having started at 3.5yrs- but there were children a year or two younger with a diagnosis, children of the parents in our Early Bird Autism course.

My son didn't speak at 18 months. Looking back, I can see my friend with an all-talking/all-singing/super smart girl the same age was a bit worried. He was fine. His younger sisters talked way earlier.

You need to take a firm line with your inlaws. tell them straight out to stop talking about this. the video of him "being autistic" would have led to a serious scene with me - and I'm not confrontational. they are so far over your boundaries it isn't funny.

At 2 years old dd was mute and Ds said the word bob a lot. If we were in the car he would just repeat Bob at a few second intervals till he saw something exciting like a truck or a dog then it was Bob over and over till it went out of view

Neither are autistic

ADHD maybe but not autistic.

Dd just started talking in full sentences 3 months later and Ds wasn’t understandable to anyone but me till he was nearly 4

Why did someone take £750 off you when it was clear that your child is too young for any sort of autism assessment?

Ds1 didn’t talk much - at 22 months old, his vocabulary consisted of only 45 words (I was in hospital with ds2, and bored out of my brain, so I made a list) - and some of those weren’t words that anyone would have understood - we knew Cor-cuck-cuck was helicopter, but no-one else did, for example.

But he found his voice, in his own time, and by the time he went to school, he could talk the hind legs off a donkey on his specialist subject - trains. He read Law at university - a subject that requires an ability to speak and debate in public - and did well at that.

Which is all a long winded way of saying that I don’t think you need to worry about your ds’s talking yet - and your MIL is jumping the gun massively.

@Bythemillpond

Why did someone take £750 off you when it was clear that your child is too young for any sort of autism assessment?

They would have done the assessment and felt it was unclear which is why a SALT referral was made. In my experience consultants are busy and if they feel a child is developing normally they wouldn’t even have accepted the £750 let alone made the referral to another professional.

I agree that your PIL have overdone it here and it doesn't sound like there is anything to worry about, but why do you feel so offended that they have suggested your son might be autistic. My eldest is autistic, it's nothing to be ashamed off.

Ozanj

No one tests for autism at 18 months it is too young. That would I presume have been obvious to any HCP.

It sounds like they took ops money, went through a test then said he was to young to get tested.

That is absolutely disgusting and I would be reviewing who ever did this in a very bad light.