MIL bought book on autism for 18 month old

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We have an 18 month old son who isn't talking very much yet. He communicates a lot with me, a little with his father (he's not great with outsiders I think due to covid) but it's not really words yet more actions and gestures etc.
Anyway, my DH mentioned to his parents and his MIL turns up with a book about how to raise autistic children, and my PIL took him to the park one afternoon (my fault, I should never have let him take him!) and he sent me a long video of him being "autistic" playing with a toy in the park which is literally designed to get kids attention.
I am really offended by this and don't really know how to react to them. I felt pressured into paying £750 for an autism assessment for him (obviously it came back saying you can't test for autism at this age but they recommend speech therapy to get him talking which we are doing) and every time we see them it's literally their favourite topic of conversation, especially my FIL.

My question is, do I tell them to back off or just ignore? My husband has already mentioned to them that they shouldn't bring it up but they still do.

And asking for my money back

At 18 months so many DC aren't talking much!!

My DD with severe speech delay kept passing the NHS hearing test, eventually she was tested privately and she had a distorted hearing curve - very poor in the high frequencies and too sensitive in the low frequencies. No wonder she was barely talking/understandable.

I think your DH needs to be blunt with his parents they are being utterly ridiculous to put this sort of pressure on you.

Well many children do get referred for autism assessments at that age - my son was fast tracked at 18 months and was diagnosed aged 2.5. I think it’s a bit to see it as “mean” to suggest he might have autism - nosey and misguided, sure but mean suggests all sorts of negativity around autism which is just unnecessary for those that do have it themselves or have children who have autism.

They shouldn’t be sticking their noses in.

I can't see that anyone has mentioned it but when mine got about 18 months we started doing Baby Sign until they started talking. Just a few basics but helped take away some frustrations by saying that they want drink/more/biscuit etc

My daughter was a whisker before 2 when she started talking, all children develop in their own time.

Why would you pay for an assessment based on their opinion though? if you back down that easily with things you're in for a rough ride, going forward just be firm and say 'I don't think that is necessary right now' or something similar - don't feel pressured into doing anything you're not comfortable with, he's your child so you get the final say

@Bythemillpond

Ozanj

No one tests for autism at 18 months it is too young. That would I presume have been obvious to any HCP.

It sounds like they took ops money, went through a test then said he was to young to get tested.

That is absolutely disgusting and I would be reviewing who ever did this in a very bad light.

They do. Look at the replies just on this thread. Many kids get diagnosed before two. If there was nothing to worry about and no lead ups the consultant wouldn’t have accepted the appointment they are that busy & they def wouldn’t have made a referral to SALT.

I work in a nursery so have some knowledge of how difficult it is just to get a private assessment for SEN / ASD nowadays. It’s not as straight forward as booking it online - the consultant will review medical history, ask for observation history from carers (I currently have 5 to write up right now!), and they will totally shaft you and tell you there’s nothing to worry about if the paperwork isn’t perfecr or symptoms aren’t textbook. A SALT referral means ASD may be suspected and another professional needs to get involved to rule it out.

@Ozanj we booked the one we did online 😬😬

It was probably rubbish, I wouldn't recommend it and they wouldn't diagnose him. It is called the first bridge centre in London if anyone is interested- basically don't use them they are terrible! They offer free ASD assessments online then tell you they need a closer look, charge you £750 for a full assessment then won't even give a diagnosis 😩😩

750 for an online assessment? That’s crazy.

There is nothing offensive about being given a book. And sometimes as parents there are things we can’t see. They don’t at all sound like they think autism is a bad thing. Instead they sound like people who are trying to help you in case your son is autistic.

For the record my husband, who is a physician is also autistic and for a long time we wondered if one of our sons was. He doesn’t have a formal diagnosis but he presents very similarly to DH who does.

OP tell your in-laws to they shouldn't be trying to diagnose DS. My DS was flagged at age four and diagnosed about 7. He never had problem verbalising, quite the opposite, so that's such a prejudice on the part of the ILs.

@Namechangedzzz I am so sure the isolation has made a big difference. The 4 months with no baby groups etc have definitely taken a toll. My DS is really sociable with people he knows but it takes him so long to warm up to other people! It could also be a personality thing, there are other pandemic babies who are sociable mine just isn't 🤷‍♀️

@Melitza a good idea to get them to learn mandarin for 18 months 😂😂😂

@Lindsay77 thank you that's really useful, my DS points at things and makes eye contact, I actually just taught him to spin around walking in circles 🤦‍♀️ I will try to unteach him!! Not sure about spinning things, what kind of thing?

@thisisnotmyllama they are not very woke at all 😂😂 and don't think they are trying to be

I took the book said nothing vaguely smiled but secretly was not happy 😂 your response sounds like a good one! I'm also 7 months pregnant and hormonal so blaming that!

@2bazookas thank you that is reassuring!

@ButterflyCat2028 I quite agree!!

@FlowerFlirtyFairFlax thank you that's reassuring, I would love to stop seeing them! Not sure my DH would agree...

@InsanityOf2020 haha thank you that looks like an excellent book!!

Buy them a book on how not to be a twat.

There are actually some good books on how to be a good grandparent. Might not be the worst idea…

@gemloving @MarshmallowSwede I agree!!

I didn't have any concerns but now after them bringing it up I'm worried he doesn't use words 😭😭

My DS is now 27 months. Says approx 15 words. Shows understanding, can explain himself and communicate in other ways and responds when spoken to.

In my area HV, GP and Nursery have all said they don't feel a SALT referral is necessary at this point.

For what it's worth I've checked this every 3 months since 18 months as GParents were making odd comments although they didn't buy toys or books suggesting an issue.

Older son didn't speak until 29/30 months but then spoke in full sentences like he had been speaking forever.

Having autism isn't the end of the world, however I would not be impressed with people jumping to conclusions based on speech alone at such a young age.

Suggest constantly asking your in-laws about some random medical problem that they may or may not have: “Dear MIL, how are your haemorrhoids? Must be really difficult sitting down in your state.” Follow up with a book or article on the topic. Maybe erectile dysfunction for the PIL?

Devils advocate here, I don’t think they’re saying you don’t know how to parent a child with autism. It is different from parenting an NT child. I have 1 child with ASD and 2 NT children.
I actually think it’s great they’re thinking of possibilities and ways to help and the book may be useful. It’s good they’re showing they will be supportive.
My in laws refuse to accept my son has ASD, even after diagnosis.

@BakewellGin1 that would’ve been an immediate referral here. It’s leaving it late for one really.

So parents-in-law are clinical psychologists, then? With a specialism in autism? No? Then shut the F up. Said very politely, obviously.

@NineteenForever thank you, I agree, I would rather let it unfold at its own pace. No one will give us a diagnosis at 18 months despite us paying a lot to try to get one, though without a referral I should have known this company were no good :/