MIL bought book on autism for 18 month old

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We have an 18 month old son who isn't talking very much yet. He communicates a lot with me, a little with his father (he's not great with outsiders I think due to covid) but it's not really words yet more actions and gestures etc.
Anyway, my DH mentioned to his parents and his MIL turns up with a book about how to raise autistic children, and my PIL took him to the park one afternoon (my fault, I should never have let him take him!) and he sent me a long video of him being "autistic" playing with a toy in the park which is literally designed to get kids attention.
I am really offended by this and don't really know how to react to them. I felt pressured into paying £750 for an autism assessment for him (obviously it came back saying you can't test for autism at this age but they recommend speech therapy to get him talking which we are doing) and every time we see them it's literally their favourite topic of conversation, especially my FIL.

My question is, do I tell them to back off or just ignore? My husband has already mentioned to them that they shouldn't bring it up but they still do.

That’s very shit of them! As you know yourself, all children are different.

@pallisers they are definitely over our boundaries!!!

@Bythemillpond thank you that is reassuring. I think Bob is a rather excellent first word.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius if my son has 45 words in 4 months I would be very happy with that!!!

Four months is a long time in a baby’s life. I know worrying is part and parcel of being a parent, but I hope you can worry less.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius thank you xxxx

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

Devils advocate here, I don’t think they’re saying you don’t know how to parent a child with autism. It is different from parenting an NT child. I have 1 child with ASD and 2 NT children. I actually think it’s great they’re thinking of possibilities and ways to help and the book may be useful. It’s good they’re showing they will be supportive. My in laws refuse to accept my son has ASD, even after diagnosis.

What is it that makes you think that the OP's ds has autism in the first place? The only reason they got a (private) assessment was because the in-laws pushed them into it, and were then told he's too young anyway.

The OP has expressed no personal concerns other than that her ds is a bit on the late side in talking.

I think its okay to be rude to your in laws in these circs as they are being rude to you.

Maybe just says something like "given that even professionals can't diagnose autism at this age I am surprised that you feel qualified enough to make such a diagnosis ? I'd appreciate if you could please keep your expertise to yourselves. "

@MarsandPluto I am very close to this 😂😂😂

@kgap lololol 😂😂😂

Do you see any asd traits in yourself, husband or family? Just wondering if the in laws are seeing something else too and are a bit ahead in thinking about the cause of delayed speech.... My son was only saying about 4 or 5 words at age 2 but quite quickly caught up, but mispronounced some sounds for a few years, seemed slightly shy but joined in with imaginative play and made friends.... Seemed a bit unsure of school life but massively hated school from age 7, diagnosed with Asd at age 9... Ehcp a year later. Most people find it very hard to understand how he has asd as his traits are quite mild... Until you put him into school and then he finds the workload too much. Without the diagnosis and understanding, we would have been in a right prickle for choosing a secondary school... So although it can easily go either way at 18months, just be a bit cautious and realise that getting others on board with getting a diagnosis and support in school can be a real struggle.
Your in laws might seem a bit over-bearing but they could actually be doing you a favour by bringing this up early.

Devils advocate here. I was in this position last year. I hadn’t seen my DN for 6 months. Hes 19 months old and I was really worried. He has no words. No eye contact. I tried to broach it kindly, “have nursery mentioned a hearing test?” Hearing checked and fine.

He had his 2 year check and the HV said fine (because he scored well in some areas so overall score ok) and I had to tell my brother that I thought he had some signs of concern and they should push for a paed referral. Luckily he and his wife didn’t take offence and did.

He was diagnosed at 3 with ASD (but they were told from 2.5 informally he had it. Hes had SALT and OT and continues to do so.

So yes maybe your inlaws have gone about it the wrong way. Would you have been happier with a chat? But often you need an outsider to say something might not be ok. Do you think they actually did this to upset your or because they were concerned?

Early intervention can make a massive difference to a child’s life.

@rainbowfairydust actually both my mum and my sister were so paranoid when this all came up for DS worried that they may have contributed some kind of "autism" to him that they both did private autism tests on Harley street 😭 bless them.. (they came out not autistic but they are both very shy so I think worried they might be). I am very sure that I'm not autistic, and my husband I don't think is. We have both done various questionnaires online that come up when you google "am I autistic" and they all come out that we aren't. I'm open to doing a professional assessment but honestly this is becoming such a money hole (seriously I'm in the wrong profession, should have been an autism assessor...) My MIL I would say isn't, my FIL is a very strange being but I'm not sure how much of that is being an antisocial old man vs autistic traits? He has never really had friends or hobbies, but that could be something typical of his generation in men where they went out earned the money and the wives took care of anything social. Obviously neither would volunteer to do a test themselves 😂

@FlowersinJune it sounds like your concerns were actually justified, and that you went about it in a really kind and sensitive way.

I had similar happen in my family when my child was 2/3 years old. I couldn't see it at all and felt upset by the comments/suggestions as you do.

He's now 8 and diagnosed with high functioning autism (and he's still my perfect little boy!!)
They may see something you don't. I absolutely couldn't see it for years. Tbh only in the last year I've really seen it!! It's difficult when it's your baby and especially if it's your first child.
Best advise is to get on the assessment waiting list (it'll be a couple of years!!) And you can cancel it if you decide it isn't necessary at the time. I'd talk to your mil she's probably trying to help rather than hurt you! Xxx

@Bowlofcereal I totally get that but we have already had a private assessment and no diagnosis of ASD 🤷‍♀️ basically they said he's too young but you can help his speech with speech therapy. yes I've heard the waiting lists are soo long on the nhs! Xx

@PurpleMustang we are starting with the baby sign!! How long does it take for them to get it usually? A few weeks/months I would imagine?

But wasn’t it an online assessment? Did they physically see your child?

I don’t know why anyone would think they ‘contributed’ to their grandson’s autism. Yes there is sometimes a genetic link but this suggests to me that in your wider family (not just your in laws) there is both concern about him and about what it means if he is autistic.

@RandomMess oh wow thanks for that that's really useful. We had DS's hearing checked and it came out fine but maybe they need to check again? What kind of thing did they do differently in the private vs nhs test? We only did private but maybe we need another test by another provider!

@ChaBishkoot initial 30 min online assessment for free then they were like (surprise surprise) to know for sure we need to see him. And it's £750! then no joke like 3 hours in an assessment centre and they still said they couldn't make a diagnosis 😭 they are called the first bridge centre in imperial wharf in London and are coming artists do not use them!!!

@ChaBishkoot there is no wider concern about him. My mum and sister haven't even seen him for 9 months as they can't get back to the uk due to covid 😭 I think they were secretly worried they themselves were autistic, I never thought they were, and now we have (expensive) proof that they aren't!

Ok so if you paid them money doesn’t mean they have to give you a diagnosis. (My sons have had multiple assessments and some of them were inconclusive). A test is a test like any other- it seems like it raised a red flag regarding speech. They would have also given you a report which would have looked at his development more broadly. If there are concerns in a year you can then use that.

@Bagelsandbrie absolutely agree, there is nothing wrong with autism at all, like I said in an earlier post. But I don't want my son being labelled as something he's not. I would feel the same if people were trying to label him as a genius or a gifted sportsman when he isn't!