Am I a bad mum ?

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My little girl arrived 4 weeks ago, she’s been a golden baby, really gave us an easy start. I was never a children loving person, for a really long time I thought I will not have children myself. As soon as I found out that I’m going to be a mum I knew that baby will not dominate my life and it didn’t ! Obviously the sleep is not the same and few other areas of life are restricted but I am still the same person (I was worried that I won’t be).
Sometimes I’m bit anxious that maybe I should be more of a brainwashed mum? I have no app that tracks every single feed and sleep times, I am not religiously counting wet and dirty nappies, I’m having a controversial glass or two of wine few times in a week and sometimes letting my baby cry for a bit longer because I want to finish making dinner, i’ve not read one book about mothering and basically I am just taking care of my child following my instinct and intuition. I love her very much but I know there is so much time for us to get to know each other and fulfil our hearts with many different feelings.

OP is being smug and unpleasant but she's getting some weird and weirdly extreme advice in return - it's fine to drink while breastfeeding and as for the idea that you'll damage a baby's motor neurones (I don't think you know what they are!) if you let them cry for a few minutes... I didn't have had the heart to let my first cry while I made dinner but my second has to cry for a few minutes here and there, as surely has every non-firstborn child ever born, and I'm confident he'll be just fine!

@Thesearmsofmine

4 weeks in and an expert already!

That’s not very nice. OP is probably nowhere near as confident as she sounds. She has, after all, asked if she’s a bad mum. Her use of the word brainwashed was probably not meant to offend but the result of the fact mind fog we all suffer occasionally.

Congratulations on your new baby! With respect , after only four weeks it's a bit too soon to say that your baby hasn't dominated your life ... yet ...or call others "brainwashed". It's good that you have confidence in your own parenting style (although I personally tried to not let them cry too long as I think that pays dividends later). Perhaps wait until the teenage years before you can safely say what affect a child has had on your life!

What actually is the point of this thread OP? You clearly want to seem cool, but you are coming across as rude and judgemental.

Supernanny must be quaking in her boots . We have a new expert in town

Do what you feel is best but don't be a dick to others who are doing what they feel is best.

Are you looking for praise, OP?

I relate to your post op, loved my 4dc but never lost sight of my own wants and needs.

However, I really hope your comment about 'brainwashed' mothers was clumsy wording rather than nasty.

I've admired mother's that can make their babies their absolute focus, but it was never for me.

As for the criticism to your comment about letting baby cry while you finish dinner, I really can't see how this is any different to leaving a baby crying while you deal with an older sibling/go to the loo/finish showering.

Mine was golden for the first 8 weeks, and Hell on wheels for the following 8 years. I thank God for the books, they helped us to be the parents he needed due to the condition he was born with. He's golden again these days.

Don't think there were apps when he was born, and it wasn't the dark ages!

Agree with @SinkGirl - in the kindest way OP, you need to consider what you mean by a brainwashed mum?

If you and your baby are happy and thriving without any routine/apps/counting or organising then that's amazing! Sounds like a dream and crack on. However, some people do like to plan everything (like myself) as it adds an element of control back into a time that is actually really demanding emotionally and physically!
I had to count nappies and feeds as DD lost a ton of weight, had bad jaundice and was a sleepy baby with a bad latch. I remember being so upset and worried and just downright knackered in the early weeks (still tired now 9 months on with breastfeeding tbf) and I needed to track every minute she fed so I could discuss and work out plans with lactation consultants and infant feeding team.

Life is much less stressful now but I still like to track her feeds on an app, I love not having to remember in my head so it frees up space for all the other sh*t you have to remember with a baby 😅

@AnneLovesGilbert

Think of the millions of babies born before the internet and apps existed.

They were probably strapped to mum or being held by grandma while meals were caught/killed/prepared/eaten not crying by themselves.

Also, high levels of infant mortality were a shitty fact of life. Learning more about what babies need and proactively caring for them isn’t a bad thing.

Oh what, the 1990's you mean?

As for the criticism to your comment about letting baby cry while you finish dinner, I really can't see how this is any different to leaving a baby crying while you deal with an older sibling/go to the loo/finish showering.

I agree with this. People on MN always seem strangely convinced that whether or not a baby is damaged by crying is a direct product of whether or not their mother is being 'selfish' in letting them cry. So if they scream facing backwards in the car that's fine because rear-facing is the one true mark of a good parent, but if they scream because you've left them to go to sleep alone it will destroy their brain. Letting them cry because you're wiping their older sibling's bum is grudgingly ok, but if it's you who needs the loo it'll traumatise them for life.

Nothing wrong with the way you’re parenting but the way you are trying to infer you’re better than a ‘brainwashed mum’ is horrible. If you want to be a good mum to your daughter you would do well to model raising other women up and not putting them down.

I had my first babies in the late nineties, so no internet or apps etc, I just listened to older family members who'd done it all before me. I had my younger ones in the last 10 years and still didn't use apps and what have you, but I wouldn't think to put down anyone who chose to!

‘Brainwashed mum’

You sound absolutely normal, if excessively smug.

I was a lot like you too. Worked for us. Not sure what you mean by brainwashed though. It’s good that you feel instinctively confident in what you’re doing but others want more reassurance, which is perfectly fine too.

I agree with this. People on MN always seem strangely convinced that whether or not a baby is damaged by crying is a direct product of whether or not their mother is being 'selfish' in letting them cry.

Th best advice that kept me sane was from the health visitor during her post birth home visit. She said it was perfectly fine to finish making a cup of tea or brush your teeth to the end or a couple of mouthfuls of food or whatever task you were just finishing up on before picking up your baby when it cries. Obviously don’t leave them screaming for ages, but you don’t need drop everything to pick them up immediately either.

I remember being genuinely baffled by the mums I'd meet at baby groups who said it was tough and they had no time to shower or eat. I'd stick my baby in a bouncy chair, have a shower and do my make up. I thought all the other mums were making a right fuss

I did this too but I also appreciated that other babies were harder to look after. What still baffles me on MN and social media the general consensus that you can’t go to the toilet alone. The only time I go to the toilet with DS there is when he’s in the bath or we’re out and using a public toilet. But who knows, maybe my second will enlighten me.

A bad Mum? No. Judgemental and condescending? Yes.

Also there's a world of difference between actually neglecting your baby when it cries and ignoring it for a moment while you complete a quick task. Women with multiple children cannot always pick up the baby as soon as it cries when they are having to do things for their other children. Providing you're not leaving your baby to scream alone for hours, five minutes while you wash or make some food won't hurt.

4 weeks? Oh wow, you must have experienced it all then.

Hey OP - how about You Do You, without putting others in the derogatory camp of ‘brainwashed’ if they don’t agree with you? Different opinions are allowed. It doesn’t make some a good or bad parent, just different.

Many parents have to let their newborns cry for longer than they'd like sometimes, usually through necessity. However, if you choose to leave your baby crying when not strictly necessary and more importantly, feel absolutely fine while you're doing this, I would wonder about your bond with your baby and as a PP said, whether PND might be an issue. The sound of our babies crying is designed to stir a deep response in the parents, particularly the mother.

Sound like you are doing great. Enjoy your baby and do it your own way xx

Maybe your tiny baby won’t dominate your life. Your toddler will