FIL'S inappropriate actions

[Latty84]

My FIL normally lives abroad but due to visa issues he's been back for a few months. I have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. In the last few months FIL has visited and stayed over 2 weekends, the third being this weekend coming. Before he came back to the UK, I asked my partner not to invite him to stay as I would have not long given birth and would be uncomfortable with him in my house and my space. He stayed anyway.
During those stays I noticed a couple of times when he was playing with my 4 year old he would 'tickle' in places where an adult should not touch a child. It was over the clothes and only for a second but still made me very unhappy. He also stuck a finger down the back of my 4 year olds 'builders bum' (where his trousers had slipped a little bit) and wiggled, as if to tickle.
I told my partner immediately when this happened then had a conversation about the other times I had seen this behaviour. I told him I didn't want his dad staying again and he had to have a serious conversation with him before he was to see the kids again. The behaviour was sort of explained away by my partner as 'he's just like that' and 'he's handsy'. I still don't think behaviour like that should be brused under the carpet and I'm fuming at my partner that he doesn't appear to be taking my concerns seriously and advocating for his child's safety and wellbeing. A comment was also thrown in about 'washing grandads bum in the bath for 50p'
Fast forward to now and I have just been informed that his dad will be visiting this weekend and he will have the conversation with him in the car on the way over.
I have had conversations with my 4 year old about private areas on bodies and how no-one is allowed to touch there (exception being helping clean and if a doctor needs to examine) and I hope he is confident enough to speak up if it happens again. I have told my partner that if I see anything like that again, I will call it out and it probably won't be pleasant. I'm already kicking myself for not speaking up the previous times it has happened.
I'm dreading them turning up on Friday and the conversation having not happened (my partner is not very strong and he has said its an awkward conversation to have which is why it hasn't happened yet)
I'm not sure why anyone would ever have to have a conversation like this with any normal functioning adult, surely it's obvious it is wrong?!

@FannieAnne

What are your sleeping arrangements for him whilst he's there.? I'd be worried about night time too.

This exactly. I'd be sleeping in the same room as my kids while he's there. Though I wouldn't have him to stay in the first place if it were me. There's still time to pack the kids up and go to stay elsewhere.

@BunnyRuddington

Wow ... what happened to Be Kind??? OP seems to be getting the blame for what is happening here, let's not lose sight of who the problem is in this situation.

The GF is the abuser yes, but the parents are also complicit.

As for #BeKind the OP needs to get a lot Meaner. Think I'd be threatening the police and possibly death by this point...

I meant be kind to the OP, not the abuser ffs 🙄

I meant be kind to the OP, not the abuser ffs

I understood what you meant exactly. What I am finding strange is why you want everyone, maybe even the OP to be kind?

Being kind and not causing a fuss seems to not be working out for her DS.

@o8T8o

I would say something like would you? I'd take him out the back and kick 7 shades of shit out of him if he touched my kids what is the matter with you OP?

If you were asking me, @o8T8o, then yes, I would say something along the lines of what I said in my post. And I would watch my children like a hawk and not let him set a finger on them. And if necessary, I would kick him out.

This is making me sick. As a child abuse survivor (just! I was suicidal for many years) please please protect your children. You've watched him groom your son and make inappropriate remarks but will still have him in your home? Your child's safe place? I feel so sick at the thought of it. I'm hoping that this is some sort of weird wind up?

@BunnyRuddington

I meant be kind to the OP, not the abuser ffs

I understood what you meant exactly. What I am finding strange is why you want everyone, maybe even the OP to be kind?

Being kind and not causing a fuss seems to not be working out for her DS.

No, you clearly don't understand what I was saying. Can you point out to me where I said that the OP should be kind? Don't put words into my mouth or make stuff up to make a point. All I said was that the OP has a newborn baby and that when I had a newborn baby, my head was like mush and I struggled to make sense of lots that was going on in my life, and that perhaps the OP is seeking reassurance that her mind isn't playing tricks on her and that this genuinely is as serious as it seems.

Why should posters be kind to the OP? She’s enabling a paedophile to abuse her son despite countless people pleading with her not to let this man into her sons home. It’s a horrifying thread.

I can understand how a combination of shock, woolly post-natal brain, and women’s inbuilt socialisation to be nice, not cause a fuss, not upset people, respect your elders might explain why she didn’t react at the time this happened.

But do we want to make her feel even worse than she already does, and break her down, or do we want to build her up, encourage her and enable her to defend her children from now on?

I vote for the second option.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, sorry🙏 ignore me, I'm too wound up by this 'wind up'!🤦‍♀️

Do not let him any where near your children unless you are with your children all the time he is near them.Better still keep him away from them altogether and tell your partner that does not matter what he says or thinks

I have a friend who’s mother suspected her boyfriend was abusing her daughter (my friend’s sister) and she minimised and played down her boyfriend’s alarming actions until it all came out. It was horrendous, went to court and my friend’s sister has been damaged for life.

I have a very low tolerance for parents who don’t protect their children from predators. That man would never get in my home again or see his grandchildren again. The OP is trying to minimise the risk instead of ensuring there’s absolutely no chance of him abusing her son.

She’s been given advice and had her suspicions validated by multiple other posters. Even if he doesn’t abuse the boy this time, he’ll fo it another time. The only way to guarantee he doesn’t is to give him zero access.

No worries, @o8T8o.

if I see anything like that again, I will call it out and it probably won't be pleasant.

Parents and caregivers are groomed by abusers too. As well as preparing children for abuse, these men are trying to show the child that their parents won't protect them. So losing your shit, speaking out, protecting your child gives them skills and reduces their risk.

He's done it already though. He's already groomed you and your child (and DH for years it seems).

You need to know that if anyone touches your child without your permission AND their permission, it's serious. This is the time to be loud and rude.

I would have my child in the house with him and I would explain to my child why not.

If true, this thread is horrific. Protect your child Op.

How are you doing OP? Did your DH step up?

I am guessing that FIL came to stay in the end and DH didn't step up. I do hope that I am wrong.

I would be boiling with rage and would be taking the kids elsewhere! I'm sure people said Jimmy Saville was just handsy as well, not saying he's that bad but just that I agree inappropriate behaviour should not be washed over. Is there anywhere you can go while he stays?