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Original poster

FIL'S inappropriate actions

117 replies

Latty84 · 30/06/2021 23:33

My FIL normally lives abroad but due to visa issues he's been back for a few months. I have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. In the last few months FIL has visited and stayed over 2 weekends, the third being this weekend coming. Before he came back to the UK, I asked my partner not to invite him to stay as I would have not long given birth and would be uncomfortable with him in my house and my space. He stayed anyway.
During those stays I noticed a couple of times when he was playing with my 4 year old he would 'tickle' in places where an adult should not touch a child. It was over the clothes and only for a second but still made me very unhappy. He also stuck a finger down the back of my 4 year olds 'builders bum' (where his trousers had slipped a little bit) and wiggled, as if to tickle.
I told my partner immediately when this happened then had a conversation about the other times I had seen this behaviour. I told him I didn't want his dad staying again and he had to have a serious conversation with him before he was to see the kids again. The behaviour was sort of explained away by my partner as 'he's just like that' and 'he's handsy'. I still don't think behaviour like that should be brused under the carpet and I'm fuming at my partner that he doesn't appear to be taking my concerns seriously and advocating for his child's safety and wellbeing. A comment was also thrown in about 'washing grandads bum in the bath for 50p'
Fast forward to now and I have just been informed that his dad will be visiting this weekend and he will have the conversation with him in the car on the way over.
I have had conversations with my 4 year old about private areas on bodies and how no-one is allowed to touch there (exception being helping clean and if a doctor needs to examine) and I hope he is confident enough to speak up if it happens again. I have told my partner that if I see anything like that again, I will call it out and it probably won't be pleasant. I'm already kicking myself for not speaking up the previous times it has happened.
I'm dreading them turning up on Friday and the conversation having not happened (my partner is not very strong and he has said its an awkward conversation to have which is why it hasn't happened yet)
I'm not sure why anyone would ever have to have a conversation like this with any normal functioning adult, surely it's obvious it is wrong?!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/07/2021 05:37

I do actually honestly think that this is a case of FIL being uneducated (and indeed he could be described as tactile) about these things (as one poster describes)

What about the 50p to wash grandads bum comment? That made me feel sick.

joystir59 · 02/07/2021 05:53

From what you've shared here your FIL is clearly a paedophile. You should not tolerate him being anywhere near your children.

confuseddotcomma · 02/07/2021 05:59

Sorry but you need to protect your children. Leave the house. Please.

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Justilou1 · 02/07/2021 06:02

I think I would make it very clear to FIL that you would not hesitate to report him to the police if there is even the slightest suspicion that he does or says anything inappropriate ever again. You will not allow him or your DP to minimize this behaviour as a cultural difference. It is simply not a risk you are going to take with your child.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/07/2021 06:03

And trusting your husband to speak to him on the way over?!

Why can't you step up OP and have the conversation with FIL? Do you really think your husband is capable of saying what you want to be said? Because based on your posts I absolutely wouldn't.

And to be honest, this isn't a 'warning in the car on the way' situation. This should be a 'no longer welcome in our home' situation.

He's been trying to groom your child in plain sight. The washing my bum for 50p comment was him ramping it up. And you've all watched this happen and now your plan is for your weak willed husband, who doesn't think his dads behaviour is that troubling, to tell his dad not to inappropriately touch your child but still have him over?

This is madness.

NeonDreams · 02/07/2021 06:14

OP, you are being a very good and concerned parent.

But, again, how far away is he that he needs to stay an entire weekend? And did your partner consult you at all about him staying over for a weekend? Your OP makes it sound like your partner foisted it upon you without asking you if you were up to it with a mere 3 month old or if it suited you, and you were just.....told. And that's it. That is very inconsiderate behaviour of your partner, even putting aside all this from his father. Making you flee your own home most of the time with a 3 month old newborn baby, and a 4 year old, is absolutely abhorrent behaviour. When you expressed doubt a couple of days ago, the decent thing for your partner to do would have been to call it off.

In fact, your partner still has time to do that, so you should be insisting he call and cancel this weekend, instead of making you flee the house for most of the weekend, on your own, with a 3 month old newborn and a 4 year old. Any sort of man would have already contritely cancelled, he doesn't even have any decency towards you as a mother of his children and newborn, and you don't seem to have the ability to stand up and ORDER that he cancel, or else he will have a miserable home life with me, and I will make his life a misery and does he really want to upset me, the mother of his children?
In fact, if it were me, I would actually go and pick up the phone myself, phone the FIL myself and cancel, if your partner won't do it.

So call, and cancel.

NeonDreams · 02/07/2021 06:17

And trusting your husband to speak to him on the way over?!

Yep, I doubt very much her partner will even mention it to him, he'll tell her later 'I didn't want to upset him'.

I bet anything her partner will not have the talk with him and probably thinks now the kids won't be alone with him there is no need for him to talk to him.

OP, you don't really, genuinely believe your partner will talk to his father - do you?

NeonDreams · 02/07/2021 06:18

It's only gone 6am on Friday, OP. You have plenty of time to pick up that phone and cancel. Do it now!

Rc123467 · 02/07/2021 11:10

Your crazy !!!!! If anyone touched my sons private’s or “tickled” (that’s what I’m reading isn’t it?) I would be reporting them to the police and telling them to get the fuck out of my house ?????

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 11:20

So you think it's fine to leave your 4 yo child with a family member who is clearly demonstrated a sexual interest in children because your 4 yo child has the tools to deal with this?

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 11:24

If someone started grooming and molesting my children I would want to run into the garage and get a hammer, I would want to flay them alive and then chop them into little pieces, obviously I wouldn't but I wouldn't be just relying on my child to have strong boundaries!!!
I can't believe what I'm reading on this thread.

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 11:27

His grandad offered him 50p in return for a handjob OP, that's what he means by washing grandad's bum

FannieAnne · 02/07/2021 11:33

What are your sleeping arrangements for him whilst he's there.? I'd be worried about night time too.

PacifyLulu · 02/07/2021 11:42

OP you describe FIL as “uneducated” and say that’s why he thinks it’s ok to touch your child’s bottom/ genitals both through clothes and directly.
I find this strange - most people don’t do those things because they have no interest in doing them, because there would be no pleasure in doing them, not because they really want to but have been educated not to.
Your boundaries are off here OP and that is something that you look at later on, but the immediate concern should be not allowing someone who wants to touch your child’s genitals to have any contact with them.
It really is that simple.

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 11:49

OP, you are making excuses for this man. These things are difficult because we feel an obligation to be unconditionally loyal to our parents, it feels wrong to not trust them, but this man is molesting and grooming your son right in front of you. He knows exactly what he's doing even if he doesn't have the education to articulate it.

Sssloou · 02/07/2021 12:11

He has already assaulted your son under your nose - that is why your gut has been screaming at you that you don’t like this man.

Your DP is minimising it to soothe his own discomfort with his DF which he can’t face.

Why is your DP weak? Perhaps he was groomed and abused by this man and this is normalised for him.

Please listen to the alarm bell going off in your gut - and what you saw and heard repeatedly with your own eyes and ears ... do not let your DP gaslight you for his own discomfort.

Do not let this man in your home.

He will find a moment to abuse your DCs.

KTB19 · 02/07/2021 12:23

Same here. I have read through this a few times to see if I am missing anything or I am mistaken and it turns out I am not. It's the most disturbing thing I have read in a long time.

There is NO excuse or reason on earth to offer a child money to wash granddads bum. It's not even something that should even be said in jest.

It is also equally horrifying to put a finger down your child's underwear to touch his/her bum.

I realise that this is an uncomfortable position for the husband to talk to his Dad, but it's absolutely not appropriate that the grandfather should be under the same roof as this child - ever. Noone should need to be asked not to touch a kid like that.

I would rather have the conversation now with the grandfather, rather than the conversation with the child when he later starts to remember how his grandad touched him. Because there will be no explaining or justifying that.

I should imagine the OP will get this thread taken down at some point because I can imagine it makes for uncomfortable reading.

If you are reading this OP, your husbands father is not uneducated. There are many people out there that are not well-educated. But they don't offer to pay a child money to wash their bum or touch the child inappropriately. Your FILs is a pervert and his behaviour will have far reaching consequences unless he stopped - and quickly.

Sssloou · 02/07/2021 12:45

My son is thankfully blissfully unaware that anything is going on. During our conversations about consent etc, I do dig for information about if he has noticed anything (and very careful to not ask leading questions and put ideas in his head) he has never said anything about this.

This worrying as it indicates that either your consent conversations have had zero impact because the GF has actually already touched and spoken inappropriately and your DS doesn’t see this as inappropriate.

You need to know that these types are devious, manipulative and relentless.

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 12:45

What happens when grandfather is in his own country?
Are we to assume that he's given free rein to indulge his sexual interests?
Presumably those around him are similarly uneducated and unable to articulate their concerns or understand what is going on?

KatherineJaneway · 02/07/2021 12:47

He said he will talk to him in the car on the way over

No he won't

CupOfTPlease · 02/07/2021 12:54

He won't speak to him. You're your children's voice.

So when he comes in ask the FIL is your partner had a chat with him. If he is clueless and asks what chat, please do kindly inform him.

Who gives a fuck if it makes them awkward. The grandad sounds like a pervert. I wouldn't have him in the house at all especially with a 4 year old sleeping alone. I wouldn't take the risk.

GrrrlPwr · 02/07/2021 13:00

Good advice by Cupoftea

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 02/07/2021 13:04

@o8T8o

His grandad offered him 50p in return for a handjob OP, that's what he means by washing grandad's bum
OK, that's a leap.
Maisnon · 02/07/2021 13:36

This type of thing happened to me as a young child. The touching and inappropriate comments and sexual references. It still affects me and makes me feel dirty after 40 years. My mother did nothing to protect me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/07/2021 13:41

You're relying on a conversation between a weak willed minimiser and an inappropriate groomer to keep your child safe. Does that make sense to you? If so, how?

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