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Parenting

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Original poster

FIL'S inappropriate actions

117 replies

Latty84 · 30/06/2021 23:33

My FIL normally lives abroad but due to visa issues he's been back for a few months. I have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. In the last few months FIL has visited and stayed over 2 weekends, the third being this weekend coming. Before he came back to the UK, I asked my partner not to invite him to stay as I would have not long given birth and would be uncomfortable with him in my house and my space. He stayed anyway.
During those stays I noticed a couple of times when he was playing with my 4 year old he would 'tickle' in places where an adult should not touch a child. It was over the clothes and only for a second but still made me very unhappy. He also stuck a finger down the back of my 4 year olds 'builders bum' (where his trousers had slipped a little bit) and wiggled, as if to tickle.
I told my partner immediately when this happened then had a conversation about the other times I had seen this behaviour. I told him I didn't want his dad staying again and he had to have a serious conversation with him before he was to see the kids again. The behaviour was sort of explained away by my partner as 'he's just like that' and 'he's handsy'. I still don't think behaviour like that should be brused under the carpet and I'm fuming at my partner that he doesn't appear to be taking my concerns seriously and advocating for his child's safety and wellbeing. A comment was also thrown in about 'washing grandads bum in the bath for 50p'
Fast forward to now and I have just been informed that his dad will be visiting this weekend and he will have the conversation with him in the car on the way over.
I have had conversations with my 4 year old about private areas on bodies and how no-one is allowed to touch there (exception being helping clean and if a doctor needs to examine) and I hope he is confident enough to speak up if it happens again. I have told my partner that if I see anything like that again, I will call it out and it probably won't be pleasant. I'm already kicking myself for not speaking up the previous times it has happened.
I'm dreading them turning up on Friday and the conversation having not happened (my partner is not very strong and he has said its an awkward conversation to have which is why it hasn't happened yet)
I'm not sure why anyone would ever have to have a conversation like this with any normal functioning adult, surely it's obvious it is wrong?!

OP posts:

sadpapercourtesan · 02/07/2021 13:43

I wouldn't be there when they arrived home, and neither would the kids.

This guy is a child molester. Your partner has been conditioned all his life to minimise it, and isn't able to stand up for his wife and children - that's tragic, but your priority isn't him and his feelings, it's your kids. That man should never set eyes on them again - it's that simple.

I wouldn't stay with my children's father if he put a paedophile's interests above their safety. He needs counselling to help him understand what his father is and how he's been programmed to excuse it - but he's an adult, if he genuinely isn't in a place where he can put his children first, then he shouldn't be around them either.

Nonmaquillee · 02/07/2021 13:47

I’d be livid with my partner, in fact I would be reviewing my relationship.

And it’s all very well telling your four year old about parts of the body which are private but he still needs protection from not just inappropriate but downright creepy behaviour on the parts of adults around him.

Nonmaquillee · 02/07/2021 13:48

And I totally agree with the pp - he’s a child molester. This child molester would never see my children again. I felt sick reading what you wrote.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/07/2021 13:50

I'd be more concerned that the children's father thinks this sort of behaviour and comments is normal/forgivable. I couldn't rest thinking he would do the same.

AuntMasha · 02/07/2021 13:56

I’m sorry, but there is no way in the world I would allow that disgusting old man to be anywhere near my child.

MissMissTorrance · 02/07/2021 14:05

I'd call my relatives and ask if we could go and stay for the weekend.
I'd also tell them why you do not feel safe and comfortable at home.
Your DH needs to put his family first and I'd not be sheltering him for allowing this man under the same roof as his dc.

FictionalCharacter · 02/07/2021 14:23

@FictionalCharacter

I was seriously sexually abused by a family member when I was very little. My parents didn’t protect me, the perpetrator got away with it and I have hated the lot of them for it for my whole life. Keep this man away from your child. If you dither about, let this man have access to your child and wait for your useless husband to “say something”, your little boy could end up as psychologically damaged as I am and he’ll hate you when he’s old enough to realise you let him down.

I’ve just read your update and I’m absolutely sickened that you can read about my and others’ experiences and still not listen. Your husband isn’t going to stop him. Your four year old child should not shoulder the responsibility to assert his own boundaries. He is too young to fully understand them anyway. You are responsible for protecting him. You do understand that if this man assaults your son he’s likely to get away with it? He’ll deny it or say he was playing, he’ll persuade your son it was just playing, your husband will defend him or just make weak wibbly noises. Then when he’s older your son will realise what happened, and will have to deal with the emotional fallout. You’ve clearly made your mind up and decided not to make a stand. I fervently hope your son doesn’t get harmed but I believe you’re making a grave mistake ignoring all the good advice you’ve been given here. You’re putting social niceties and the demands of two men above your little boy’s safety. I’m absolutely horrified.

BunnyRuddington · 02/07/2021 17:18

I can just see the report now "the GF had touched the child's genital several times before in front of the parents and they said nothing. The parents then invited the GF into their home to stay knowing what he was like. The parents have been complicit and simply expected a 4 year old to speak up*.

Your FIL has tested your boundaries and found that there are none. You simply sit back and watch him milestones your child.

If he's there now, leave with the children, get him to leave or never let the DC out of your sight, even at night.

Your "D"P isn't protecting his DC so it's up to you. And I've put DP like that because anyone who is complicit in the abuse of children should not be anyone's Darling.

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 17:24

Lots of people will have been that child, where the adults knew but turned a blind eye, minimised because they didnt want the inconvenience and hassle of taking it seriously
it's not the 1970's now, failing to safeguard is ta big deal

Tempusfudgeit · 02/07/2021 17:30

Take the children out of the house for the entire weekend. You need to mean business.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/07/2021 17:34

I think you need to talk to your FIL yourself, @Latty84. I’m not sure you can trust your Dh to say what needs to be said - and even if he does, your FIL may well ignore it because he won’t want to be to,d what to do by his child.

I would say something like “FIL - last time you were here you touched and tickled ds in a way that was completely inappropriate, and made at least one questionable comment too. That sort of behaviour is not acceptable in this house (or indeed anywhere), so there will be NO tickling or inappropriate touching and comments this time otherwise I will be asking you to leave.”

BunnyRuddington · 02/07/2021 17:36

Ok so I've just read your update. Did you call the GF this morning and cancel or have you gone to the Relatives home fir the weekend? Or did you go with the third option of reading everyone's comments and experiences on this thread and invite the Paedophile in and just hope for the best?

I agree with the pp who said that your boundaries are seriously off and that's something you need to work on but right now, you need to work on protecting your DC when your DP clearly isn't willing to.

If your DP won't listen to your concerns and didn't cancel the visit after you had said that you didn't want him there, do you think that you need to review your relationship with him as well?

Just to reiterate, abusers test the parents and carers of small children to see how much they can get away with. They then go for the children where the parents/carers have said or done nothing. That'll be your DC then.

TossieFleacake · 02/07/2021 17:48

Wow ... what happened to Be Kind??? OP seems to be getting the blame for what is happening here, let's not lose sight of who the problem is in this situation.

Shes got a newborn baby, if I try to remember how I was coping when my kids were that young, I know that my head was a mush and nothing really made sense.
The OP has clearly got very valid concerns and has posted for advice on how to deal with the situation, not to be torn to pieces.

OP - it is very unlikely that your partner will discuss this with his father on the way to your house. If it is too late to cancel the visit, please take your children and stay somewhere else while he is at your house, it is better to keep the children safe than to deal with the potential repercussions.
Then show this thread to your partner, tell him that his father is not welcome in your home and will never be alone with your children and that your partner needs to open his eyes to what is happening here.

It is too much of a risk to stay in the same house as him... protect your children.

AuntMasha · 02/07/2021 17:49

boireannach · 02/07/2021 17:52

@Latty84
I’m not sure what’s really going on here. If you’ve posted this story as some kind of wind up then shame on you.
If you’re story is true then you must know that offering a child 50p to wash a grown mans arse hole is predatory paedophile behaviour and you are complicit in this by hearing it and condoning it. I’m disgusted by this post and I’m disgusted by you whatever your motives are. You need to either protect your children or get your wank fodder elsewhere. 😡

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 17:53

I would say something like
would you?
I'd take him out the back and kick 7 shades of shit out of him if he touched my kids
what is the matter with you OP?

strawberrysweets · 02/07/2021 18:05

My grandfather sexually abused me, my siblings and my cousins for years so this makes my skin crawl.

Tell your partner to sort this immediately and refuse point blank to have him stay. To be honest, I'd also be having some frank conversations - don't touch my child there!

Good luck.

Blindstupid · 02/07/2021 18:06

IF this is real:-

So your son has already been abused, witnessed by you …. WHY are you not doing anything about it??

You as a grown adult have done nothing, yet you expect your 4 year old child to do something??

Why does your dh have to have a word? Step up yourself and YOU have a word! Why would you not protect your child to the nth degree??!!

peboh · 02/07/2021 18:06

You need to set very clear boundaries with your partner regarding his father.
So if he invites it accepts fil coming to stay, you make it very clear you will be leaving the family home for that time or they need to arrange accommodation elsewhere. Fil and dc are not to be left in a room alone together at any time. You will not condone any excusing of his behaviour (he's naive, uneducated about these things, things were different in his day etc) as it isn't appropriate, and there is no justifying inappropriate behaviour towards children. If your partner continues to go against these things, then you need to reconsider your relationship as he is putting the needs of his father above the needs of his children and that is just not acceptable.

Whatfreshhellisthis9 · 02/07/2021 18:07

Grandad’s bum wash for 50p.

How much worse will it have to get before you do something about this OP?

If your DH this is this is normal...

Please call the NSPCC they will have good advice and be very supportive.

BunnyRuddington · 02/07/2021 18:47

Wow ... what happened to Be Kind??? OP seems to be getting the blame for what is happening here, let's not lose sight of who the problem is in this situation.

The GF is the abuser yes, but the parents are also complicit.

As for #BeKind the OP needs to get a lot Meaner. Think I'd be threatening the police and possibly death by this point...

PerciphonePuma · 02/07/2021 18:53

I thick social services need to be involved here. OP is not protecting her child. Could MNHQ intervene? I can't remember if I entered my address when registering

Sssloou · 02/07/2021 18:55

I asked my partner not to invite him to stay as I would have not long given birth and would be uncomfortable with him in my house and my space. He stayed anyway.

You asked that your FIL did not stay over at weekends as you had recently given birth and this boundary was ignored, dismissed and trampled over TWICE by your own DP ... and is being again for a third time this weekend. Your DP does not respect you - do you have any agency in your own life?

PerciphonePuma · 02/07/2021 18:58

I'm actually in tears right now. The very sickening thought of an old man 'tickling' a little boy's genitals.... And he's being allowed back in again this weekend? Neglect. Severe neglect

boireannach · 02/07/2021 18:58

I’ve reported this thread 😡

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