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Original poster

Boyfriend called me selfish for wanting to go out by myself

89 replies

nelma · 23/06/2021 18:39

I asked my boyfriend what days he had off next month because I wanted to go out for a bottomless brunch with my friends. I'm trying to pre-plan since i wanted to drink on this day and I am bf'ing so wanted to express beforehand. dd is currently 3 weeks old but by the time I was planning this brunch she will be 6 weeks and hopefully we would have introduced bottle/formula by then, planning to do so anyway. It became a whole argument, his reasoning for being peeved is that why can't I just go on a non-alcoholic bottomless brunch with dd with me, seeing as I will be off all the time, why am I waiting for him to have a day off after working all week to go out drinking. His problem isn't taking care of our daughter whilst I'm away, but because I'm drinking its suddenly a problem. I told him I wanted a day to myself since I've had a problem with autonomy since the beginning of the pregnancy. That's when he proceeded to call me selfish, since dd is only a newborn and I'm already planning selfish days. And he said I've been going out throughout the pregnancy so I've had selfish days anyway

Please tell me im not ridiculous for calling him ridiculous

OP posts:
goldie27 · 23/06/2021 18:44

He's being selfish. Go out and enjoy yourself

Veterinari · 23/06/2021 18:46

Does he never have a day to himself then? Or is it just you who is expected to parent 24/7

whitershadeofpale · 23/06/2021 18:46

I don’t think he’s handled the situation well at all and it seems as if he isn’t happy to have your DD while you go out.

That said, I think planning a bottomless brunch when your baby is so young is very odd and quite selfish.

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Beannag · 23/06/2021 18:50

If I was him I would hate to be left with a 6 week old BF baby, or indeed any who is still in the forth trimester and likely to seek comfort from mum. Might sound sexist but it's true, if you are drunk it surely won't be as easy to get home if needed.

HappyCamperT5 · 23/06/2021 18:52

I agree with @Beannag

Newmama29 · 23/06/2021 18:53

@whitershadeofpale

I don’t think he’s handled the situation well at all and it seems as if he isn’t happy to have your DD while you go out.

That said, I think planning a bottomless brunch when your baby is so young is very odd and quite selfish.

Why is that selfish? OP wants one day to go out & have a drink with friends, something she’s not been able to do for close to a year due to being pregnant. Would it be considered selfish if a man had a night at the pub with his friends as a one off?

OP everyone deserves some social time, young baby or not. It’s not like you’re going on a weekend bender & leaving your baby. Your baby will be looked after by it’s father, no harm done. Enjoy yourself, being a new mother is hard, especially in these times Smile

whitershadeofpale · 23/06/2021 18:55

@Newmama29 I would think a dad going on the piss with a 6week old baby was selfish too.

But I think it’s worse when the baby is breastfed and will be missing comfort from its mum.

romdowa · 23/06/2021 18:56

@Beannag

If I was him I would hate to be left with a 6 week old BF baby, or indeed any who is still in the forth trimester and likely to seek comfort from mum. Might sound sexist but it's true, if you are drunk it surely won't be as easy to get home if needed.
But it's his child too? 🙄 what utter non sense
AlexaShutUp · 23/06/2021 18:58

Hmm, not sure. Fair enough if you need a break, he should be willing to step up and let you have one. However, I'm not sure what I think about going out on the piss when you're breastfeeding a 6 week old baby. I suspect I'm being overly judgemental, but it doesn't quite sit right with me if I'm honest.

What do you mean when you say you've had a problem with autonomy exactly?

Lipz · 23/06/2021 18:58

Oh heaven's, I've had 5 children and an odd day off is not the end of the world. You're not going to timbuktu, you're going out with friends. If he can't manage or thinks it's selfish then he's an arse.

On the 1st child it feels strange leaving them but it gets easier. You need some down time. I can never understand these people who think having a child means staying indoors or with the baby forever.

Your baby will be fine for one day, tell him to suck it up that there'll be more like this.

Cyw2018 · 23/06/2021 18:59

I think giving expressed milk so you can have an alcoholic drink is fine.

However, getting drunk when you have a newborn baby is not. If you need to comfort her in the night after arriving home drunk, you will present a SIDS risk as the chance of falling asleep whilst holding baby will be high. So what you are effectively asking your partner to do is 24 hour care, which is not a problem in itself, but you both need to be clear on the fact that you should not be responsible for your baby at all whilst under the influence of alcohol.

TheDevils · 23/06/2021 19:00

He is being selfish.
Go out and enjoy yourself.

Newmama29 · 23/06/2021 19:02

@whitershadeofpale I would find it selfish if it was a regular occurrence but I can’t begrudge any new parent having a day off to socialise with friends & have a drink.

ps coming from a new mum of a now 9mo, I would kill for a day to go boozing with my friends 😂

Beannag · 23/06/2021 19:04

can never understand these people who think having a child means staying indoors or with the baby forever.

Who said forever? Just empathising with a bloke not overly comfortable with looking after a 6 week old baby who biologically is more dependent on mum at 6 weeks old and may or may not be breastfeeding at that point. Nothing about forever or never going out, that's a reach.

But it's his child too? 🙄 what utter non sense

What's nonsense? Reality? Of course OP can go our when she likes who cares, but to dismiss his reservations when if the shoe was on the other foot a lot would feel the same feels a bit harsh..

Backthewaywecame · 23/06/2021 19:08

I would personally leave it a bit longer.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 23/06/2021 19:08

OP don’t you know that once you get pregnant and give birth, some hysterical martyr mumsnetters will tell you to never touch a drop of alcohol or enjoy any kind of freedom ever again because you’re a mum now and that is your only reason for existence. Even if you have a perfectly capable partner. You must die on this alter of perfect motherhood. You don’t exist in your own right anymore.

It’s boring and tiresome but it goes on all the time here. I can only imagine they lost their identities somewhere in giving themselves over completely to motherhood and are bitter about it towards anyone that doesn’t go the same.

whitershadeofpale · 23/06/2021 19:09

[quote Newmama29]@whitershadeofpale I would find it selfish if it was a regular occurrence but I can’t begrudge any new parent having a day off to socialise with friends & have a drink.

ps coming from a new mum of a now 9mo, I would kill for a day to go boozing with my friends 😂[/quote]
I think at 9months it would be bloody well deserved 😂. Planning for it at 3 weeks just seems way too soon, for me.

Original poster
nelma · 23/06/2021 19:10

@AlexaShutUp

Hmm, not sure. Fair enough if you need a break, he should be willing to step up and let you have one. However, I'm not sure what I think about going out on the piss when you're breastfeeding a 6 week old baby. I suspect I'm being overly judgemental, but it doesn't quite sit right with me if I'm honest.

What do you mean when you say you've had a problem with autonomy exactly?

Guys nothing is set in stone, I wanted to see how she took to the bottle first anyway because I've been told she might not accept it straight away. I'm a ftm, so it's all new territory honestly. So my peeve is more if she has accepted the bottle, and he is free to take care of her for one day/night (24hours, I've already been told about safe sleeping and being drunk. But tbh it's kinda common sense right?) why not?

And in terms of autonomy, I mean my bodily autonomy. I've felt like my body has not been my own the whole pregnancy which bought back a lot of feelings from when I lived at my families house. I was oppressed in terms of my body.

OP posts:
Beannag · 23/06/2021 19:10

@SmidgenofaPigeon

OP don’t you know that once you get pregnant and give birth, some hysterical martyr mumsnetters will tell you to never touch a drop of alcohol or enjoy any kind of freedom ever again because you’re a mum now and that is your only reason for existence. Even if you have a perfectly capable partner. You must die on this alter of perfect motherhood. You don’t exist in your own right anymore.

It’s boring and tiresome but it goes on all the time here. I can only imagine they lost their identities somewhere in giving themselves over completely to motherhood and are bitter about it towards anyone that doesn’t go the same.

No one has said that.
SmidgenofaPigeon · 23/06/2021 19:12

@Beannag not in as many words, but I’m sick of the shit that goes on on here towards mums, usually new ones, who express a desire to have a bit of a kick back once their baby is born.

Newmama29 · 23/06/2021 19:14

@whitershadeofpale if I had been able to do it at 6 weeks I would of jumped at the chance, unfortunately due to a very traumatic birth with a long recovery time & covid lockdowns it wasn’t to be 😂. Then after that I felt there was a lot of “mum guilt” to go out so it’s not happened yet. I think it’s a personal choice & as long as you aren’t out every weekend, abandoning your baby & putting them in danger then it’s fine to go & have a drink with friends, even at 6 weeks old. We all have to stop putting such pressures on new mums, it’s the reason a lot of woman lose their identities.

AlexaShutUp · 23/06/2021 19:14

I can only imagine they lost their identities somewhere in giving themselves over completely to motherhood and are bitter about it towards anyone that doesn’t go the same.

Er, no, not at all, but at 6 weeks, surely the baby is your main priority? You don't have to put your life on hold forever, but surely some sacrifices are to be expected in those first few weeks/months? For both parents?!

HappyCamperT5 · 23/06/2021 19:16

@SmidgenofaPigeon a bit of a kick back..? her baby is 3 weeks old. Fair enough if op hadn't had a day off for months. She's literally just given birth and is already planning a piss up. I couldn't think of anything worse personally. I think it is selfish .. sorry.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 23/06/2021 19:16

@AlexaShutUp it’s brunch. With friends. If OP feels up to it and she thinks the baby would be settled enough. She’s not suggesting a three day drug binge in Amsterdam. I’m sure brunch when you’ve got a capable partner at home looking after the baby doesn’t mean your baby isn’t a priority to you.

Beannag · 23/06/2021 19:16

[quote SmidgenofaPigeon]@Beannag not in as many words, but I’m sick of the shit that goes on on here towards mums, usually new ones, who express a desire to have a bit of a kick back once their baby is born.[/quote]
New mums that come on here and ask for people's opinions? I could see if it was unsolicited as in someone says yay I've just had a baby so happy, and people posted saying okay you can't ever go out again. What's the issue with people posting a different perspective? No one has been rude, no one has suggested it's bad parenting or anything like that, just answered the question OP has asked.