Boyfriend called me selfish for wanting to go out by myself

[nelma]

I asked my boyfriend what days he had off next month because I wanted to go out for a bottomless brunch with my friends. I'm trying to pre-plan since i wanted to drink on this day and I am bf'ing so wanted to express beforehand. dd is currently 3 weeks old but by the time I was planning this brunch she will be 6 weeks and hopefully we would have introduced bottle/formula by then, planning to do so anyway. It became a whole argument, his reasoning for being peeved is that why can't I just go on a non-alcoholic bottomless brunch with dd with me, seeing as I will be off all the time, why am I waiting for him to have a day off after working all week to go out drinking. His problem isn't taking care of our daughter whilst I'm away, but because I'm drinking its suddenly a problem. I told him I wanted a day to myself since I've had a problem with autonomy since the beginning of the pregnancy. That's when he proceeded to call me selfish, since dd is only a newborn and I'm already planning selfish days. And he said I've been going out throughout the pregnancy so I've had selfish days anyway

Please tell me im not ridiculous for calling him ridiculous

@RampantIvy

It's pretty clear on this thread that most posters don't even know what a bottomless brunch is. It isn't just brunch, but a very boozy brunch where generally a lot of alcohol is consumed.

I can understand the OP wanting a break, but I don't think a heavy drinking binge fest is the answer.

Of course people know that a bottomless brunch is!! How condescending!!!

It doesn't mean you have to drink to excess - I fact the op has stated that this isn't her intention!

But even if it was - why is that a problem?

It does seem quite soon but I think that’s just because I get completely and utterly legless at bottomless brunches so maybe that is colouring my view OP I think maybe a “long lunch” would make you sound more reasonable than an event designed to smash as many jugs of mimosas as you can in two hours does! I can see both sides of your views here, as you say he is happy to take baby just has an issue with the you being smashed bit - calling you selfish wasn’t on though. Maybe as well it’s a lot for a first time out. Perhaps if you suggest a tamer event for your first outing and then do a celebratory bottomless brunch in a few months? I would be so so peeved if my DP went off and got on the lash when we had a 6 week old so I don’t think it’s sexist. I think neither of you are being unreasonable here really as also totally understand your desire to relax with girlfriends! But I think you’d be better suggesting a less overtly boozy event for your first time out, to soothe any ruffled feathers. I would say I was going to lunch and MIGHT be having a few wines so need him to step up for 24 hours incase I get a wee bit tiddly.

Yanbu.

I would tell partner you want a day off and at some point he will want a day off to socialise. It is healthy for parents to have some time out from parenting here and there. I won't be drunk but I will be having a few drinks if practical (ie if it works around breastfeeding) and I dont need you judging me for that.

Enjoy your brunch.

@Dogoodfeelgood

It does seem quite soon but I think that’s just because I get completely and utterly legless at bottomless brunches so maybe that is colouring my view OP I think maybe a “long lunch” would make you sound more reasonable than an event designed to smash as many jugs of mimosas as you can in two hours does! I can see both sides of your views here, as you say he is happy to take baby just has an issue with the you being smashed bit - calling you selfish wasn’t on though. Maybe as well it’s a lot for a first time out. Perhaps if you suggest a tamer event for your first outing and then do a celebratory bottomless brunch in a few months? I would be so so peeved if my DP went off and got on the lash when we had a 6 week old so I don’t think it’s sexist. I think neither of you are being unreasonable here really as also totally understand your desire to relax with girlfriends! But I think you’d be better suggesting a less overtly boozy event for your first time out, to soothe any ruffled feathers. I would say I was going to lunch and MIGHT be having a few wines so need him to step up for 24 hours incase I get a wee bit tiddly.

She's explicitly said she isn't planning on getting horrendously drunk.

But regardless of that - why should she have to suggest a 'tamer' event or dress it up as a 'long lunch'? If she wants to go for a bottomless brunch with her friends then that's what she should do.

In my village we have a lovely cocktail bar which does the best bottomless brunches. I know lots of people who have chosen that as their first event out after having a baby because it's a nice thing to do!

OMG - father expected to care for own child for a day. Someone call the police! Fed up of this sexist shit whereby a new inexperienced mum is just expected to get on with it and devote her whole life and body 24/7 including it seems, babysitting the dad! He won't get less inexperienced until he takes equal responsibility.

Also, did someone up thread refer to the OP as a sloppy drunk? Having a couple of cocktails does not make the OP a bad mother but that comment makes the poster who said it, a skanky bitch!

Good grief - when I had DD (not in the UK) we all had six weeks maternity leave and were expected to leave our six week old baby and get back to working a 40 hour week. And as an expat, you definitely got on with it. Having a couple of drinks is hardly being legless and incapable.

@HuntingoftheSnark

Good grief - when I had DD (not in the UK) we all had six weeks maternity leave and were expected to leave our six week old baby and get back to working a 40 hour week. And as an expat, you definitely got on with it. Having a couple of drinks is hardly being legless and incapable.

This is a really good point. We have much more generous maternity leave than lots of countries. There are many places in the world - the USA being one - where women are back in the office a few weeks after birth. Not saying that's right, but it obviously isn't causing irreparable damage to every child. A few hours is nothing.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

OP don’t you know that once you get pregnant and give birth, some hysterical martyr mumsnetters will tell you to never touch a drop of alcohol or enjoy any kind of freedom ever again because you’re a mum now and that is your only reason for existence. Even if you have a perfectly capable partner. You must die on this alter of perfect motherhood. You don’t exist in your own right anymore.

It’s boring and tiresome but it goes on all the time here. I can only imagine they lost their identities somewhere in giving themselves over completely to motherhood and are bitter about it towards anyone that doesn’t go the same.

I agree, and I don't even drink! A mother can have a little time for herself sometimes. They're/we're still individuals too.

To be fair @TheDevils, I didn't know what a bottomless brunch was until recently

of course you deserve days off all mums do but when your baby just 3 weeks old going out and thinking about drinking it is just so odd to me. what if baby needs you? you are still breastfeeding what if baby refuses bottles? I'd thinking this things rather than arguing boyfriend

dont get me wrong still go out leave baby with him . and enjoy yourself without drink. his responsibility is same as yours but you should accept your life little bit changes until little one gets older.

@ellielucas

1. OP is planning to go out and is flexible on when to allow her to see how baby is settling/feeding nearer the time.
2. It is good for everyone to have something to look forward to, especially after the last year.
3. No sh!t, does life change after you have a baby? Good grief, can't imagine she hasn't figured that out with a 3 week old!

OP, I am 36 weeks pregnant with my third and I am counting down the days until I can have a rare steak with a glass of red and/or a plate of oysters with a glass of fizz. We all have things we miss and things we look forward to!

I left my first with my MIL (not even her dad, he was with me) to go to a wedding when she was 2 months old, my second for 2 whole nights with my mum (DH was working away) while I swanned off to London for a birthday party when he was 3 months. They were completely happy and content the entire time I was away and my mum especially found it a great opportunity to bond with DC2 on her own (without DD there) and get to know him. She loved it and so did he.

They were both exclusively breastfed for 6 months.

Somehow... despite being such a selfish, absent mother, my children are fabulous and will still always turn to me if they need something/hurt themselves, etc.

This time round I have a wedding when DC3 will be 8 weeks. It will require an overnight stay. I am playing it by ear as to whether or not we will be able to go, but very much hope to.

[quote Muststopeating]@ellielucas

1. OP is planning to go out and is flexible on when to allow her to see how baby is settling/feeding nearer the time.
2. It is good for everyone to have something to look forward to, especially after the last year.
3. No sh!t, does life change after you have a baby? Good grief, can't imagine she hasn't figured that out with a 3 week old!

OP, I am 36 weeks pregnant with my third and I am counting down the days until I can have a rare steak with a glass of red and/or a plate of oysters with a glass of fizz. We all have things we miss and things we look forward to!

I left my first with my MIL (not even her dad, he was with me) to go to a wedding when she was 2 months old, my second for 2 whole nights with my mum (DH was working away) while I swanned off to London for a birthday party when he was 3 months. They were completely happy and content the entire time I was away and my mum especially found it a great opportunity to bond with DC2 on her own (without DD there) and get to know him. She loved it and so did he.

They were both exclusively breastfed for 6 months.

Somehow... despite being such a selfish, absent mother, my children are fabulous and will still always turn to me if they need something/hurt themselves, etc.

This time round I have a wedding when DC3 will be 8 weeks. It will require an overnight stay. I am playing it by ear as to whether or not we will be able to go, but very much hope to.[/quote]
doesn't mean you comfortable or your children are happy is gonna be always like this.
problem here in my eyes is alcohol involved. i did not say she should not look forward to something., she probably well deserved some own time.

Every parent is different every child is different we should respect each other. my son nearly 2 and i still didn't leave him overnight or thinking about drinking i can easily do just i don't want to because i would not feel right but if you did this would not bother me either good for you if you are happy.

When you are a parent anything can happen at any time - are parents never to have a few drinks just in case their kids need something? If baby has taken to being bottle fed and there's plenty of expressed milk, then there's no problem. Baby is with dad, not propped up on the bar!

Baby is with dad, not propped up on the bar!

My baby was often found propped up on the bar 😂😂😂
Our local is very family friendly!!