Boyfriend called me selfish for wanting to go out by myself

[nelma]

I asked my boyfriend what days he had off next month because I wanted to go out for a bottomless brunch with my friends. I'm trying to pre-plan since i wanted to drink on this day and I am bf'ing so wanted to express beforehand. dd is currently 3 weeks old but by the time I was planning this brunch she will be 6 weeks and hopefully we would have introduced bottle/formula by then, planning to do so anyway. It became a whole argument, his reasoning for being peeved is that why can't I just go on a non-alcoholic bottomless brunch with dd with me, seeing as I will be off all the time, why am I waiting for him to have a day off after working all week to go out drinking. His problem isn't taking care of our daughter whilst I'm away, but because I'm drinking its suddenly a problem. I told him I wanted a day to myself since I've had a problem with autonomy since the beginning of the pregnancy. That's when he proceeded to call me selfish, since dd is only a newborn and I'm already planning selfish days. And he said I've been going out throughout the pregnancy so I've had selfish days anyway

Please tell me im not ridiculous for calling him ridiculous

@HappyCamperT5 yeah, you’re definitely the kind of poster I’m talking about.

OP is simply TALKING about a brunch with friends and you’re up in arms about it because it happens to be something you wouldn’t do.

You’re saying 24 hours op, not a brunch?

I don’t think any poster has been ‘up in arms’ tbf.

@Backthewaywecame it’s 24hours in terms of her DP being the main carer for the baby, as she would have had alcohol so it’s not safe for her to do night feeds etc. She wouldn’t be on a bender for the full 24hours.

[quote HappyCamperT5]@SmidgenofaPigeon a bit of a kick back..? her baby is 3 weeks old. Fair enough if op hadn't had a day off for months. She's literally just given birth and is already planning a piss up. I couldn't think of anything worse personally. I think it is selfish .. sorry.[/quote]
Piss up? It's a two hour brunch with a few cocktails 😂 at most I'm planning to get a lil tipsy, I'm not going to get black out and forget that I'm a mother 😂

@SmidgenofaPigwon It's not just brunch though is it. She wants to get drunk to the point where she knows she can't be responsible for her baby for 24 hours and then there's the hangover. Each to their own of course but if it's their first baby maybe her partner is nervous about being left with a newborn on his own while op goes out on the piss. What if something happened?

I’m pretty sure a brunch doesn’t Jean you can’t do night feeds because you know, it’s a brunch.

Calling a poster selfish and saying she hasn’t got her priorities right in this situation is shitty and judgemental, but unfortunately the norm nor lots of posters on here.

He’s definitely ridiculous not you!

I get you OP but unfortunately you’ve had some really typical responses here.

Of course you can go out. Be aware your baby may have other ideas and not be happy with a bottle but seriously Mum’s need a break too. I wasn’t able to/wanting to at this stage but it’s not wrong. I e definitely learnt over time that to be a good Mum some times you need to put yourself first.

Btw the only issue with bf after drinking is if your are sober enough to hold the baby. There is no need to pump and dump.

You may need to pump if you are out for a long time. Take care with alcohol because you won’t be used to it and remember your body needs extra water to make milk so drink water too so you don’t become dehydrated.

Oh when you said one day and one night I thought you would be away from home the whole time.

@Backthewaywecame

Oh when you said one day and one night I thought you would be away from home the whole time.

Sorry that's what I read too

@nelman sorry I read it as you would be away 24 hours..

@nelma your dp might just be nervous having full responsibility of a newborn for the first time

Just to be clear, I think either parent leaving a newborn to drink is selfish. Sex plays no role here.

Also note, the alcohol level in your breastmilk is the same as in your blood. It’s a bit early, but give it a week or two and there will be nothing stopping you from feeding your baby and drinking in moderation. You can even get tipsy if you time it right and your baby feeds relatively predictably (mine did not, but I didn’t mind and it certainly didn’t stop me from having a drink now and then)

@nelma but he should be able to cope for 2 hours yes

It would be too soon for me (currently bf dc3 who's 3m). But if I told my Dh that I wanted/needed a break and it would take the form of a bottomless brunch and I'd be out for say 8hrs he'd do it with 3 kids.

That said, my boobs would be killing and it's not really my kind of thing (though an 8hr hike would be).

You can still bf if drinking (essentially if you're capable of holding the baby then you're ok to feed the baby).

I'd try a couple of shorter trips out before leaving DC for long. It will also give you chance to test they'll take a bottle (neither of my previous 2 would)

Just caught up that it's only 2 hours.

Of course you should go.

Jeez, no one cares about the father going out to "wet the baby's head" which inevitably is a piss up but when Mum wants to do it oh dear that's just no good.

If baby takes a bottle fine then go for it, although when my oldest went to bottles she started to refuse the breast so I would say to be really sure baby can easily mix feed.

I think it’s highly irresponsible to want to go out drinking with a newborn, 6 weeks is often a really challenging spell especially for BF babies. I wouldn’t have been separated from mine for 30 mins let alone wanting to go out drinking.

With an older baby, fine. But not 6 weeks. That’s poor judgment and poor parenting I’m afraid in my book.

Sounds to me like OP just needs a breather and something non baby related to look forward to. Totally understandable.

I don’t get his issue if he’s fine to have the baby alone/ it’s a sodding lunch I don’t see the issue

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I think it's the drinking that's the issue ..

I think it's the drinking that's the issue ..

Why?

I remmeber how nervous I was when my DH went away for the first time and left me with our newborn. It was a terrifying thought! So he is entitled to be nervous. But he needs to suck it up. If that's the problem, then perhaps a practice run where you nip to the shop for an hour over feeding time and he does an expressed bottle.

Logistical things for you to think about:

Depending on how often you are feeding then and how long you plan to be out you may find your boobs are bursting. Tommee tippee and I'm sure many others do a manual pump (since using an electric one in the toilets doesn't work) but you'll need a big handbag & breastpads (but since the milk will be boozy you can pour down the sink and not have to worry about storage). Plan your outfit accordingly (I didn't and had to strip out my whole dress).

You may also find expressing enough milk isn't that easy. If you haven't already started then start soon.

Many bfing champions recommend not trying a bottle til 6 weeks to make sure bfing is properly established. Whether you listen to this or not should depend on how upset you would be if it suddenly ended. I can't advise here as I always waited til the 6 week mark to be safe. Could you delay a week or so to allow some practice time?

As I think you know BF babies can be tricky with bottles but you may get lucky (I did, but only cos DH & MIL took over and nailed it).

Lastly, if he's against the whole idea is he going to call you the second baby starts to cry and tells you they are inconsolable?

Lastly, can I just say that given you are struggling with body autonomy I think its awesome that you are breastfeeding and plan to still be by then! Good for you!!!! Hope you get some you time, you deserve it!