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Original poster

Boyfriend called me selfish for wanting to go out by myself

89 replies

nelma · 23/06/2021 18:39

I asked my boyfriend what days he had off next month because I wanted to go out for a bottomless brunch with my friends. I'm trying to pre-plan since i wanted to drink on this day and I am bf'ing so wanted to express beforehand. dd is currently 3 weeks old but by the time I was planning this brunch she will be 6 weeks and hopefully we would have introduced bottle/formula by then, planning to do so anyway. It became a whole argument, his reasoning for being peeved is that why can't I just go on a non-alcoholic bottomless brunch with dd with me, seeing as I will be off all the time, why am I waiting for him to have a day off after working all week to go out drinking. His problem isn't taking care of our daughter whilst I'm away, but because I'm drinking its suddenly a problem. I told him I wanted a day to myself since I've had a problem with autonomy since the beginning of the pregnancy. That's when he proceeded to call me selfish, since dd is only a newborn and I'm already planning selfish days. And he said I've been going out throughout the pregnancy so I've had selfish days anyway

Please tell me im not ridiculous for calling him ridiculous

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/06/2021 20:27

[quote HappyCamperT5]@OnlyFoolsnMothers I think it's the drinking that's the issue ..[/quote]
OP do you plan to get drunk? Do you have previous for being a sloppy drunk?

teenagetantrums · 23/06/2021 20:36

Just go..he is the babies parent as well. It's not like you are going on a bender all weekend. A few hours drinking with friends will do you the world of good. I went back to work when my babies were 12 weeks old. Many years ago when maternity pay stopped. Thier dad was capable of feeding them a bottle and looking after them all day

CassandraTrotter · 23/06/2021 20:41

I think successful mix feeding by 6 weeks is unlikely. Most don't start introducing a bottle until 6 weeks. That said, a hungry baby will (usually) drink milk from a bottle… as long as he can’t smell mum.

Has your partner been out yet? Im wondering why he reacted so badly.

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Strokethefurrywall · 23/06/2021 20:58

As long as your baby is already nursing well and your supply is decent, I would start introducing a bottle now.
I introduced a bottle at 2-3 weeks with both DSs and meant that I didn’t have the challenges that others face with bottle refusing later on.

I also don’t believe that leaving your baby to go out and enjoy yourself for a few hours is selfish at any age, as long as your baby is left with a decent caregiver!
In fact, I went out for my first piss up when DS1 was 3 weeks old for Halloween. DH and I left him with my parents, a few bottles and had a great night.
I was drunk but not wasted and had a great time. In fact, I think I lasted about 4 hours before I wanted to be home with him.

You’re not selfish. It’s up to your partner to learn how to manage your baby by himself, without you.

Emsie1987 · 23/06/2021 21:09

I went out with my friends when my baby was eight weeks maybe twelve. I needed to go out as I was reclusive while pregnant due to being very anxious after a late miscarriage.

It was the best thing I did. It gave my partner a proper turn to look after the baby without me just being in another room. And it allowed me to know that my partner was perfectly capable to look after him too.

My friends who didn't go out out for quite a few months after felt terrible mum guilt and still now struggle to leave.

I wasn't breastfeeding so don't have any advice about that. But if you are comfortable to go out and are happy that your partner can cope then surely there isn't really a reason to not go out. It sounds likes your partner wouldn't be happy with you going out in 3 weeks time or in 8 months time. His issue seems to be around using his free time at the weekend so you get free time. Which isn't right.

Blindleadingtheblind · 23/06/2021 21:17

Just bear in mind your tolerance to alcohol will be non-existent OP. Your limits likely won't be the same as pre pregnancy.

Karwomannghia · 23/06/2021 21:23

He’s just anxious. Go and have a great time and he’ll see he can manage. Set the right precedent that you are not a stuck at home mum.

Bbq1 · 23/06/2021 22:02

@User0ne

Just caught up that it's only 2 hours.

Of course you should go.

Yeah, but Op said she wouldn't be capable of looking after her new baby for 24 hours? Maybe the dp has no previous baby experience and he is a VERY new dad. He's bound to be nervous.Tbh, I find this really odd. Most new mums especially ftm's are usually in the baby bubble when their baby is newborn or at least not wanting to leave them for hours. Drinking with friends couldn't have been further from my mind when ds was so young.
Mummyneedsacoffee · 23/06/2021 22:08

I’d personally leave it longer. The baby is so so so young, and by then you may feel the exhaustion (I could be wrong).

The dad may just be worried about being left alone with a baby who’s currently breastfed, the transition to bottle can be difficult and baby will probably cry for mummy- trust me it’s a thing even at that age!! It might be hell for him for that few hours trying to get the baby to settle.

That’s not having a go in anyway at all.. it’s your life and your baby - I just personally wouldn’t go so soon Smile

LikeTheOceansWeRise · 23/06/2021 22:10

Lordy, the OP herself said she wouldn't be getting black out drunk. It's just a few drinks with friends and just a few hours away from the baby.

Don't feel guilty OP. Your partner is probably nervous about being alone with the baby but it will be good for them. I left mine for a few hours around 6 weeks for a haircut, came home and they were as happy as Larry.

A few drinks is fine. Getting totally pissed isn't, but you know this and have clarified that that is not your intention.

I hope you have a lovely time!

Original poster
nelma · 23/06/2021 23:03

@bbq1 what I find odd is that you and a couple of others seem to think that becoming a mother means I wouldn't want time away for myself. No matter how old the baby is, 1 hour or 1 year, I am still my own person. Me wanting to go out for a brunch with my friends 6 weeks after her birth doesn't mean I love my baby any less than a mother who would do it 6 months or 6 years later. And it definitely doesn't mean I have poor judgement/ poor parenting skills @megan2018 what because I'm going to have a couple cocktails? I'm suddenly a parent of poor judgement?

Believe it or not, and without jinxing it, I've had it pretty smooth so far, other than a few sleepless nights as expected. But I am anticipating a hard transition from bf'ing to bottle and that's why I haven't set anything in stone, until I am sure baby can stay with her dad without giving him too much trouble and will happily feed from a bottle, then I will book a table at the restaurant.

Thank you to everyone for the helpful advice though, I've spoken to my boyfriend, he is just nervous to be alone with her since she seems to fuss when not in my arms so we decided to trial run it

OP posts:
Original poster
nelma · 23/06/2021 23:08

Accidentally posted it without finishing it 😂 we decided to trial run little outings first once we introduce the bottle to see how fussy she can get. I never said it had to be when she was 6 weeks, it can be whenever tbh it was more the principle of me going out and leaving her to him. He was out of line to say I'm selfish and he admitted to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
nelma · 23/06/2021 23:14

Oh btw to all the judgy mummies, never once did I mention getting drunk... I just said I will be drinking. I know my tolerance isn't going to be the same as it was before, I haven't drank in more than a year so I will be pacing myself. Although I've never been an out of control drinker anyway.

I wouldn't want to be around my daughter drunk, I don't know who would. So if it's worrying y'all that much I will clarify it once more.. I'm not planning to get pissed, at most I'll get tipsy, just wanna have a nice brunch out in the sun with my friends for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
TheDevils · 24/06/2021 07:32

Maybe the dp has no previous baby experience and he is a VERY new dad. He's bound to be nervous.
Well it's about time he learned. The OP is a VERY new parent too but nobody ever acknowledges that women might not automatically know how to care for a baby.
I really hate this sexist bullshit.

Tbh, I find this really odd. Most new mums especially ftm's are usually in the baby bubble when their baby is newborn or at least not wanting to leave them for hours. Drinking with friends couldn't have been further from my mind when ds was so young.

Everyone is different. After 9 months of feeling horrendous I couldn't wait to get back to doing 'normal' things even if it was just for a few hours. When DS was 3 weeks old I went to get my hair done and left DS at home with DH. I was gone for a few hours and they survived.
I also started going out for drinks at about the 6 week mark. It worked for us 🤷🏼‍♀️

MaybeCrazy2 · 24/06/2021 07:37

It’s fine, go have fun. Be selfish too, no one else is going to do that for you. My only regret with regards to my kids is I wasn’t selfish enough....I matter too!

thecognoscenti · 24/06/2021 07:48

It's absolutely fine OP. Ignore those posters who are saying that because THEY PERSONALLY wouldn't have done it, you're selfish and a bad parent. You aren't. Your baby won't remember or be harmed by it. You're still you, even with a baby, and if a couple of hours with your friends is going to do you good then please go and enjoy it.

Bluntness100 · 24/06/2021 07:52

I abhor the double standards on these threads and the screaming hysteria that some posters unleash when alcohol is mentioned.

When a man wants to go out with his mates for a few at this stage it’s all “well it’s a one off and why not”. When a woman wants to do it, she’s made to feel guilty and bad.

It’s beyond shameful

Op he can look after his own kid if the feeding is sorted, ignore the sexist alcohol fearing hysteria, and go have fun.

motogogo · 24/06/2021 07:59

He's being a bit selfish but no way would I be going out drinking (of the bottomless brunch type amount) with such a young baby, it can wait until they are older. I do get where he's coming from. I'm surprised you have the energy!

motogogo · 24/06/2021 08:00

Why not an ordinary brunch and take your baby?

TheDevils · 24/06/2021 08:04

@motogogo

Why not an ordinary brunch and take your baby?
Because the OP would like a break and the baby has another parent who can facilitate this.

It is okay for women to leave their babies for a few with another perfectly capable adult.

TheDevils · 24/06/2021 08:05

@Bluntness100

I abhor the double standards on these threads and the screaming hysteria that some posters unleash when alcohol is mentioned.

When a man wants to go out with his mates for a few at this stage it’s all “well it’s a one off and why not”. When a woman wants to do it, she’s made to feel guilty and bad.

It’s beyond shameful

Op he can look after his own kid if the feeding is sorted, ignore the sexist alcohol fearing hysteria, and go have fun.

100% this.
Bluntness100 · 24/06/2021 08:06

@motogogo

Why not an ordinary brunch and take your baby?
Yes because if you’re a mum you should never have time apart. Would you suggest the dad needs to do the same thing? Somehow I suspect not.
Comedycook · 24/06/2021 08:09

It's fine...I'm a total martyr when it comes to my dc but even I went out when my ds was six weeks old. He's a teenager now and seems pretty unscathed by this event

RampantIvy · 24/06/2021 08:11

It's pretty clear on this thread that most posters don't even know what a bottomless brunch is. It isn't just brunch, but a very boozy brunch where generally a lot of alcohol is consumed.

I can understand the OP wanting a break, but I don't think a heavy drinking binge fest is the answer.

Beannag · 24/06/2021 08:12

Oh it's only 2 hours, where did the 24 come from? That's a world of difference to a potentially BF baby and not an issue. Unless you get so drunk you physically can't hold the baby, then you can feed. If they are on bottles then you'll still be around so meh, he will be fine.