Grandparent names--who decides?

[morethangrand]

Who has final say in what grandparents are called, parents or grandparents? (Granted, it's often the child who dictates the final name!)

I was surprised to see a thread on Gransnet that suggested it should be the parents' choice. I'm 100% behind parents having full control over all decisions that affect their children, but have always assumed grandparents should get to decide what they want to be called.

What do parents think--and if you think it's the parents' call, can you explain why?

Full disclosure: I run a website with resources for grandparents, so this issue is one I need to understand better so I can give realistic advice!

We asked. My mum didn't want to be Gran X because that was the name I called my gran (her MIL) so we went for Nana instead.

We let them choose. We have no Grandads left unfortunately but my mum wanted to be Nanny/Nan and DP
Mum wanted to be Grandma so that was sorted.

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself

Grandparents with parents having veto rights. My mum was rooting for “Mama” because she was in denial about being old enough to be a grandma I booted that into the long grass. She went for something pretty left-field but at least not another name for mummy.

I agree with this. My mum wanted a particular name but it was linked to a relative on DH's side that is horribly abusive so I asked that she didn't use it as I couldn't hear the title without feeling anger. My dad wanted to by gramps and was until DD started talking. He is now Gampy as that is what she said and it stuck.

We choose. My Dads Mum was Nan or Nanny Smith to me, I didnt want my mum called Nan or Nanny Smith as she didn’t deserve the name. On DHs side his DM died before we had DCs and although he is find with his DSM he never felt right giving her what should have been his mums name so we decided alternatives. They didn’t get a say.

If it’s the thread I saw on gransnet it was about stepgrandparents names, not biological grandparents. So quite different as the stepgrandad had only been in the daughters life since 17, so not a father figure to her and she never called him dad. So quite understandable that she wouldn’t want him to be called grandad. I believe she was using ‘uncle hisname’.

With stepgrandparents I think it’s 100% up to the parents as their relationship with their stepparent may not be well established. With biological grandparents I think it’s a compromise.

Although my dad is called Andrew and my mom wanted him to be ‘grandy’ which I hated so said no. All of our parents are ‘nanny/grandad firstname’ and my grandparents are all ‘nanny/grandad surname’.

Our parents picked their names, we asked them what they’d like to be called. Ultimately my son decided their names based upon what he could say - DD could say their chosen name, DS has speech issues so made his own version up which stuck. Weirdly, it’s the same name as I called their parent, so I checked they were ok for DS to call them it in case it upset them which luckily it didn’t!

I find this very interesting- in my culture there is no deciding- it boils down to paternal vs maternal link. So the mother’s mother is called the equivalent of ‘mother-mother’ (but shorter in my language, something along the lines of mum-mum) and the father’s mother is called ‘father-mother. Same with the dads but obviously ‘father-father’ etc instead. It makes it very easy to understand when people talk about their families!

Anyhow- OP, for my British side of the family the grandparents decided but they picked standard stuff.

My Mother wanted the Swedish term for grandmother. For my sister's kids it was Mor Mor which like another poster, means mother's mother. For my brother it was Far Mor. Father's Mother.

For one set of grandchildren, I am simply Grandma. For the other Grandma [first name].

I agree it's slightly different for step-grandparents. DHs 'step dad' didn't meet his mother until after DH had left home, and is only 12 years older than DH. However, he is very much a grandad figure to DD, and his parents are great-grandparent figures.

Him and MIL are fabulous people, he loves kids and never had any because when he met MIL she was already done.

DHs Dad is a bit shit tbh, and always has been, so he/we don't have the same relationship, so his wife doesn't get (and doesn't want) a grandparent name.

I asked my parents & in laws as our DD was the first grandchild on both sides.
They both chose but have all ended up with names my DD came up with as a toddler and they’ve stuck; she’s now 8 and has never called them grandad / grandpa etc

Then DS1 came along and he too has picked his own names for them all.

DS2 flits between DD & DS1 names for them all.

They all love their names as the children have chosen them.

My niece and nephew call my parents grandpa & granny as chosen by them.

We have Nanny [name] and Nannie [name].

The difference in spelling makes absolutely no difference except finding cards for 'Nanny' is tough, while 'Nannie' is absolutely impossible.

Grandparents decide - my mum declared she was a "Nona" despite having zero Italian connections 🤷‍♀️😅

Grandparents decide I would say. Although my mum and MIL both wanted to be ‘Nana’ and I wouldn’t allow it. I lost my amazing Nana a few years ago and neither of them would ever live up to the title ❤️
MIL has picked Gran and I find it the hardest and most unnatural title in the world to use 🙈🤣 I grew up with Nana and Granny and to me ‘Gran’ just sounds so abrupt and incomplete -I have no idea why! 🙈

I am Nanny first name, my dh is surname which is what everyone calls him, me included and he is not biological grandfather. My ex is called Granddad and SiL parents Granny and Gramps and step mother Nanny first name. None of us grandparents mind as we focus on our own relationship with children and grandchildren.

I asked my parents what they wanted to be called but it was obvious already as my dsis has DC already and my parents wanted to keep it the same

In my experience, the grandparents have got a year or so to figure it out or just get called something. But it’s important to note how attached or otherwise people are to grandparent names.

I think it was nice that my parents went with the flow and used whatever name the youngest grandchild thought suitable.

I was given the opportunity to choose. The other GM already had GCs so although she already had a name that my DD really dislikes, there was nothing to be done.

As a newish grandmother, it felt weird to me, to be either Grandma or Nan. I discussed it with my DIL, and we arrived at a name we both liked.

@Chienloup

We asked what they wanted to be called. Both grannies chose Granny, so if we are distinguishing between them they are known as Granny Nameoftheplacetheylive - like Granny Island and Granny Mainland in Katie Morag!

That's exactly what we did. They both wanted to be Granny and the place name was originally added as a clarification and then naturally became part of their name. We included the 'in' though, so one was eg Granny in London and the other was Granny in Birmingham.

My stepmother was 'Granny firstname'. She played a grandmotherly role in my children's life and it would have seemed to me to be a bit petty not to give her a name to match but the fact that we used her name rather than the place where she lived differentiated her from the 'real' grannies.

My father and father-in-law chose Grandad and Grandpa respectively which is what their other grandchildren already called them.

My mum and dad chose what they wanted to be called (nana and gangan). But they already had established names from their first grandchild. Mum chose Nana. Gangan was derived from DNeph being unable to say Grandad.

I think DH chose for his parents (nanny and grandad). DD is their first grandchild, so they had free rein to have what they wanted.

My FIL wanted Papa. Fine, apart from his name is John. We vetoed that one (to his credit he hadn't put two and two together!) We did toy with the idea of going with it and coming up with an elaborate ruse for DD that included telling her he was in the shop every time we went past one...

I'd say the Grandparents but in discussion with the parents. My MIL was lovely, asked what my Mum was called as she already had grandchildren and wondered if she could also be Grandma. Not an issue as we used my Mum's initial so Grandma G and then my MIL was just Grandma surname.

In a weird way I don't want to be called Grandma surname as that is what my children called my MIL. She holds a special spot in their hearts, sadly she died a few years ago so I would want to be something else. My own mother's MIL was awful hence why she never chose Grandma Surname! No idea what I want to be called though as hopefully I am at least a decade away from that.

MIL is called variously Nan, Nanny and Nanna by her grandchildren (each 'set' of children use a different term).

Grandparents choice (unless it’s something ridiculous obviously!) they’re the ones who will have to be referred to and answer to that name so why not let them choose.
My mum was adamant she didn’t want to be ‘grandma’ and wanted to be ‘Nana’ and that was fine by me.
I also think it’s obviously influenced by what people call their grandparents within their family, and also regionally. We all have different variations throughout the UK

Totally up to the grandparents. DH mum wanted to be Grandma but my mum who is 10 years younger than DMIL didn't see herself as old enough to called Grandma so she went with Nanny.