DH said I won't like his parenting style

[strawberrydonuts]

So yesterday I was at a picnic with my DH and some friends. A friend's kid (around 5/6 yrs old) was a bit excitable and ran right through the picnic, he fell over, faceplanted the dips and basically made a big mess.

DH later said that if that was his child (we're currently childless but TTC) he would have shouted at the child and would not have been able to stay as calm as this child's mum was in the situation. He would have been embarrassed at the child's behaviour.

He then went on to say he's worried that I won't like his parenting style when we have a child, because he will be quite strict whereas I would be a bit more relaxed. His dad used to shout at him a lot growing up so I worry this has rubbed off a bit!

I would do what the mum did which was basically pick the kid up, wipe off his face, maybe give him a bit of a hug (as falling over can be upsetting!) Then tell him to be more careful because look, he wrecked the picnic and now no one can have dips.

Should I be worried that we will clash on discipline when we have a child? Does anyone have a different outlook on discipline to their partner and how does it work for you? Is it a source of worry/ stress or does it work OK?

I’d have shouted at a child who did that. But calmly. That’s not acceptable behaviour. It’s rare that parents agree on parenting but it’s worth having these conversations now.

It’s almost impossible to predict what kind of parent you will be. We thought I would be the strict one but in reality DH is probably more strict than me.

I would have told off a 5/6 year old who did that, and so would DH. And I would have made them help clean up the mess.

If the kid was two or three then I'd go your way but honestly a 5 to 6 year old should be told off as they are much more aware.
Definitely you should have these conversations before having a kid.
I've seen lots of differences in parenting style cause enormous strain on the parental relationship.

I’d have been cross too - and I’d have thought the mother was a bit wet in that situation.

I’m a bit stricter than my DH, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that we have slightly different styles. Both ways have their pros and cons - and we’ve both adapted our views with experience and over time. If you’re radically misaligned, though, then yes, I can see how that’s a problem for your relationship long term.

I'd be worried if he had a strict/shouty upbring and plans to recreate that. Yes have conversations now. You need to be on the same page really, not identical but similar, or it will end up with conflict between you.

It’s tricky when you genuinely look at a shared scenario (your child) from very different points of view.

It’s worth remembering that there isn’t a right method of parenting, so finding a middle ground and respecting each other’s different styles.

It’s a positive you both have the awareness to engage in a conversation about it at this stage though.

If be more concerned about the inflexibility: “I don’t have any experience of parenting but I’ve already decided how I’m going to do it, and I’m worried you won’t like it but I don’t consider it something I can/want to change.”

I wouldn't have hugged a 5/6 year old who ran through a picnic - it's not like a 2 year old doing it.

I would have been cross (and embarrassed). I may not have shouted - although I may have done! - but my child would have known I was cross and would have probably been asked to apologise to the nearby adults too.

I had all kinds of ideas about how I’d parent pre Ds. Some were true, some not. If your dh has brought this up, it’s a good opportunity to acknowledge what he’s saying and think about how your styles can work together.
Children try the patience of a saint sometimes. As do husbands. And wives probably. Basically humans

I have a 5 year old and would have definitely told her off. She would know better than to run around food and ruin the picnic for everyone. A smaller child would be a different story.

But yes you need to have these conversations now, as you will clash later. You need to meet somewhere in the middle as you sound very relaxed to me.

A child of that age should know better that to run through the picnic. I'm with your DH - horrified by the mums lack of reaction and testing the water with you to see how you feel about it.

I wouldn't have told them off unless I thought they'd done it on purpose or they'd been asked already to not run through the picnic. Kids do silly things sometimes and we only know what might go wrong in a given situation because we've much more life experience. Odds are the kid didn't find the experience enjoyable and won't repeat the lesson anyway, adding a side order of shame is unnecessary, to my mind.

I wouldn't have shouted because it's not modelling a helpful response to the mistakes of others. I only ever shout if it's necessary to be heard/responded to- e.g. if kid is running into the path of a bike.

It's said that the most perfect parents are ones without children.

You really don't know how you'll be, but telling off a child for ruining food meant for everyone is not harsh, it the consequence of unwanted behaviour..

Occasional shouting is not bad parenting, it's normal.

You will both find your way but on this one I'm with your dh - and unless there are underlying issues (adhd etc) then a kid running through a picnic and spoiling food does require some firm consequences.. There are tons of parenting support classes out there but until you're actually doing it it's impossible to say how you'll actually be.

Good luck ttc.

I remember walking around a lake one day. Following a group of parents and kids. The kids kept going near/in stinging nettles and one parents shouted the whole way around 'come out of the nettles' etc. It was a long walk..... I told my then BF/DF I would tell my kids once and then let them go into the nettles. That they would learn pretty quickly not to do it again. He told me we had incompatible parenting styles as he thought that cruel. And 20 years later.....I have my kids with someone who would tell the kids and then let them find out for themselves.....

(A 5/6 year old should not be running g through a picnic. Giving a child a hug for being naughty/stupid/badly behaved does not teach them not to do it again. Falling in a dip on a picnic rug would not injure them so I feel a hug is needed. A stern telling off yes.......sometimes kids are stupid and hurt themselves and do need a hug. This wasn't that time.)

Running through the picnics and wrecking it is ridiculous behaviour from a 5/6 year old. I’m not a shouter but would have been mortified if mine did that. I’d hope mine would know better but presuming they had done it, they would have been told off and I would expect them to apologise to everyone and clean it up themselves or they’d be off home. The mother sounds pathetic- I’d have reacted the way she did only if the child was under 2. It’s good to be on the same page as parents but it’s hard to know how you’ll really be until they come along so I wouldn’t worry too much about it especially if you don’t know that many children so you don’t know what’s typical behaviour for that age. Good luck TTC!

I would have been very, very cross if my DCs had done that at aged 5. By that age, they really should be more aware. But being strict does not necessarily mean being shouty. I'm pretty strict. In fact, I think compared to most people I know, I definitely let the DCs get away with much less. But I'm not at all shouty.i was very clear in my own mind where the boundaries were and was very consistent with applying them when they were little. I probably shout about once every 6 months if that.

Imo you need a good mix of high empathy and high boundaries. If you only do high empathy, you end up with a brat who does whatever they want. If you only do high boundaries, you end up with a resentful, rebellious teen.

I would have been very embarrassed if my 6 year old behaved like that and would have shouted at them. They’ve quickly learnt that I have no problem bollocking them in public so tends to be in her best behaviour when we’re out.

I think it is great that you are having conversations about it now, so many people don't.
I think being cross is OK, but loud shouting (from a man in particular) is unnecessary except in extreme situations (eg running across the road).

Take it as an opportunity to discuss pros and cons. e.g. Would you actually have pre-warned the lively child that running around is OK, but not through the picnic circle? If shouting not appropriate, what consequence would you have used?

When DH and I were TTC/adopting we used to watch the Tania Byron (sp?) series and discuss things. If you don't want him shouting all over the place, you need to help him change his mindset, and you change yours too, because if you had shrugged it off with a 'never mind' that would be too far the other way imo.

I'm with your husband on the reaction to that child. I wouldn't be hugging them when they did that, they'd have been told off. But I would have previously stopped the running about near the picnic food so that wouldn't have happened

Thats shocking behaviour for a 6 year old. My DS would never have behavedike that because he was well brought up. They are the kind of family you don't want in your house.

I'm another one that finds that unacceptable from a 5 year old.

They are the kind of family you don't want in your house.

I hate to say it, but @Shehasadiamondinthesky is spot on with this. This is the kid who won’t be told not to put his shoes on your cream sofa, or not to run around around your house with chocolate smeared hands....

My son is 6yo and I would be furious with him running through a picnic because he knows it isnt acceptable.