DH said I won't like his parenting style

[strawberrydonuts]

So yesterday I was at a picnic with my DH and some friends. A friend's kid (around 5/6 yrs old) was a bit excitable and ran right through the picnic, he fell over, faceplanted the dips and basically made a big mess.

DH later said that if that was his child (we're currently childless but TTC) he would have shouted at the child and would not have been able to stay as calm as this child's mum was in the situation. He would have been embarrassed at the child's behaviour.

He then went on to say he's worried that I won't like his parenting style when we have a child, because he will be quite strict whereas I would be a bit more relaxed. His dad used to shout at him a lot growing up so I worry this has rubbed off a bit!

I would do what the mum did which was basically pick the kid up, wipe off his face, maybe give him a bit of a hug (as falling over can be upsetting!) Then tell him to be more careful because look, he wrecked the picnic and now no one can have dips.

Should I be worried that we will clash on discipline when we have a child? Does anyone have a different outlook on discipline to their partner and how does it work for you? Is it a source of worry/ stress or does it work OK?

I must be a hard-faced cow as if my 6yo hurt themselves running across (and ruining) a picnic, I'd have said "well, you've got nobody to blame but yourself. Sit here next to me til youve calmed down".

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz same here. I definitely don’t belong on mumsnet

I don’t know anyone in real life who doesn’t shout at their kids.

I think it’s good to have slightly different parenting styles as it balances each other out. FWIW I think the mother didn’t react well in this situation the child was naughty, ruined other people’s picnic and then got a hug for it. I think he should have got told off, albeit calmly.

If your DH plans on using harsh verbal discipline I would be concerned. Shouting at children is venting your frustration. It is not an effective parenting technique, not leading by example, and not teaching your child healthy ways to behave as an adult. It actually often leads to behavioural issues when accompanied by insults and sudden harsh shouting that frightens young children . Hold the child responsible for their behaviour calmly and get the child to tell you what they could do next time to avoid the same issue.

@midsummabreak

If your DH plans on using harsh verbal discipline I would be concerned. Shouting at children is venting your frustration. It is not an effective parenting technique, not leading by example, and not teaching your child healthy ways to behave as an adult. It actually often leads to behavioural issues when accompanied by insults and sudden harsh shouting that frightens young children . Hold the child responsible for their behaviour calmly and get the child to tell you what they could do next time to avoid the same issue.

And in the real world, let them realise that parents are human too

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I must be a hard-faced cow as if my 6yo hurt themselves running across (and ruining) a picnic, I'd have said "well, you've got nobody to blame but yourself. Sit here next to me til youve calmed down".

Same!!!!
I'd have said, 'Well if you hadn't have run through the picnic then it wouldn't have happened'. I certainly wouldn't be giving them a bloody hug!

Running through a picnic is exactly the sort of thing my dd would have done, without any forward thinking about the consequences. She still has no common sense at all at nearly 12 and it drives me mad, and yes sometimes I shout. She's a bright girl but completely unable to think things through e.g tipping a packet or bottle sideways while trying to wrestle the lid off, it just doesn't occur to her it will spill out. She isn't naughty, but it is incredibly frustrating.

While yes, the kid was annoying, and yes nobody can tell what kind of parent they’d be - my alarm would be ringing a bit that he’s already warning you that he’s going to be a shouty impatient dad and you’re not going to like it.

I think every parent loses their temper now and again, but I don’t think someone should go into it with that as their “discipline plan”.

Yes @OrangePowder in the real world all of us are human and sometimes we lose it and shout, but that doesn’t make it more effective or the best parenting approach.

Tbh there was probably a middle ground between how the child was handled and how you say you'd deal with it and shouting. At 5/6 if any of mine had done that they'd have been marched off to "get cleaned up" ie given a stern talking to and final warning. After the year we've had with little social interaction I might have cut a little slack, I mean I may get a little overexcited when I eventually get a night out. Oh & no way would I have cuddled a dipped child and transferred the guacamole and sour cream on to me.
I had a very shouty dad, it is not a given that we will be the same as out parents, there is lots of literature out there or even counselling or parenting classes.

I have 2 who have ADHD. I could have driven myself mad and voiceless telling them off for all the things they did wrong. It wouldn’t have done any good as they would forget it instantly
My cousin was screamed at and beaten with a belt for any infringement till he got to his teenage years and started to fight back. His dad dared not go near him

I think those that think their strictness is going to get their children to make good choices are kidding themselves.

Like other PP it's great to prepare and read of course it is. In reality though you don't really know what sort of parent you will be until it happens. It will also change at different stages. I had some brilliant rules before ds1 was born that make me laugh when I think of them. I'm glad I did in a way because I cared so much that I desperately wanted to get it right. I think it should be the case that you think ot through and plan.

Then also accept that half of those plans will go out the window when reality sets in (particularly a few years down the line) or a second child where the dynamics changes . I wouldn't stress.

Parenting is a lot more complex than it seems at the start. At 5 mys ds2 would have been told off for that by both of us . DP is the stricter of the two of us but is also the same one who hides chocolate coins in their rooms for them to find at bedtime to believe the Pirates visited them to say hello.

When DS1 friend was mean to him the other day I sat with him talked it through and cuddled him whereas DP (not in front of DS1) thought he needed to get over it and move on until DS1 favourite book series (he is ASD and has a book series that he fixates on and needs for emotional regulation...its hard to explain but it's a world he feels safe in so he retreats there when he needs to ) arrived with the new book the next morning because whilst DP reacts differently to me he still hates him being sad or upset and helps.

A single response in a single incident doesn't tell you what sort of parent you are. It's a pretty wonderful (and occasionally frustrating and terrifying ) journey to discover that. Enjoy the ride , hardest one I've ever been on but worth everything in the world.

I would have been livid because I'm 90% sure I would have already warned dd2 about being over excited and not running through the food. So I would have shouted in that scenario and I'm not strict at all. I have very little patience with not being listened to though, which isn't something I foresaw before we had dc!

I would not have hugged mine at 5 or 6 who ran through a picnic. I would have picked them up marched them a little way away and told them off well and truly. No need for shouting but they would have been in massive trouble. They have ruined the food - totally unacceptable. This is a school-aged child not a 2 year old.
I was at a party of a 7 year old where some of the kids including a couple with parents there started throwing food. One mother grabbed hers and hauled him away from the table and gave him the mother of all telling offs, made him apologise and sat him back down. This basically stopped the food throwing. Another mother stood there and said and did nothing. No telling off, no apology. Party child’s mother said to me she had made a mental note of who wasn’t coming to the next one.

*GoldenOmber

If be more concerned about the inflexibility: “I don’t have any experience of parenting but I’ve already decided how I’m going to do it, and I’m worried you won’t like it but I don’t consider it something I can/want to change.”*

100% agree with this. Are there other parts of your relationship where he brings this type of inflexibility? If so, my experience is it WILL lead to problems longer term.

Having a shouty upbringing, or one with authoritive parents who didn't see your POV, can be incredibly triggering when you become a parent yourself. It can mean that in times of frustration you may mistakenly feel disrespected and get very angry at your own child when they 'misbehave' or don't listen aka make an age appropriate mistake.

Very different parenting styles can cause distress and end a marriage if you have one parent who gets angry. You might find you feel very protective over your child, especially if you can see the reality of your child making mistakes and your dh sees it as naughtiness and uses punishment. I'd highly recommend talking it through now. There are a lot of good sites and books to understand more. It could be very healing for your dh to work through this before you have a child together and could make a huge difference in his awareness and coping once in the throes of parenting.

I think you need an honest convo with DH about this - does he want his kids to be shouted at like he was?

And 'shouting' and being angry isn't the same as instilling discipline - discipline is also about fairness and proportionality. I think kids who get shouted at for every little thing just learn 'Why behave when you get shouted at for everything', or kids who get shouted at for small things or accidents as much as they get shouted at for deliberate bad behaviour learn not to take shouting seriously.

Kids who understand consequences of their actions are more likely to learn discipline.

At 5/6 years old I would have been very cross with my DCs if they had run through a picnic! This isn't a toddler!

I had a friend like that when mine were young, it was stressful going anywhere with them. They still interrupt her and demand her attention at 18/19.

Before we had DC, we thought that DH would be the strict parent and I would spoil the DC. As it turns out we have met in the middle - he is less strict than I expected, and I am more strict. Actually we agree on most things.

I'd be cross with a 5 or 6yo running through a picnic, but I wouldn't shout and it would bother me if DH shouted. The child was thoughtless and clumsy but not deliberately naughty or malicious, so it's not a shouting situation IMO. In particular, shouting at a child because YOU are feeling embarrassed (which is what your DH said) is a big no-no for me. It's about what the child was thinking when he did it that's important here. I would say that to DH and let him think it over.

@DNTSleepingDragons

I’d have shouted at a child who did that. But calmly. That’s not acceptable behaviour. It’s rare that parents agree on parenting but it’s worth having these conversations now.

You would shout in a calm way?? So calculated to intimidate and embarrass… That is terrible parenting….

Being cross and raising your voice is one thing as long as you bring it back down ASAP. Shouting on purpose is borderline abusive IMO

Also if I were at a picnic and a parent started bawling at a child I’d find this much more disruptive and rude than a child unthinkingly running across a picnic …