DH said I won't like his parenting style

[strawberrydonuts]

So yesterday I was at a picnic with my DH and some friends. A friend's kid (around 5/6 yrs old) was a bit excitable and ran right through the picnic, he fell over, faceplanted the dips and basically made a big mess.

DH later said that if that was his child (we're currently childless but TTC) he would have shouted at the child and would not have been able to stay as calm as this child's mum was in the situation. He would have been embarrassed at the child's behaviour.

He then went on to say he's worried that I won't like his parenting style when we have a child, because he will be quite strict whereas I would be a bit more relaxed. His dad used to shout at him a lot growing up so I worry this has rubbed off a bit!

I would do what the mum did which was basically pick the kid up, wipe off his face, maybe give him a bit of a hug (as falling over can be upsetting!) Then tell him to be more careful because look, he wrecked the picnic and now no one can have dips.

Should I be worried that we will clash on discipline when we have a child? Does anyone have a different outlook on discipline to their partner and how does it work for you? Is it a source of worry/ stress or does it work OK?

Another for team DH. The child behaved appallingly.

I wouldn't have shouted but I would have told them off and there would be consequences for ruining the picnic.

I was a calm parent, but a 5/6 year old would have been told off for that. They'd have been told off before it got to that point in fact, as running around near a picnic was bound to end badly.
I wouldn't have yelled though.

Agree with pp that is great you're talking about this now. You're a team and as long as you don't undermine each other it's fine to have different approaches.

A child aged 6 ran through a picnic and ruined part of it for everyone?

Unless the child has SEN or something of that sort , the child should be told off. That doesn't mean yelling at the child but some form of telling off is essential imo

You don't hug a child just after he/she has created havoc when he/she is old enough to know better

Who shouts at a picnic? Someone who prioritises their own feelings over everyone else’s. Being cross and firm telling off are appropriate reactions. Shouting in that circumstance is just loss of control and trying to cause humiliation. Whenever I have encountered shouty dads like this I have always thought they were dicks and felt sorry for their partner and children. Your partner is telling you that this is what he actually admires and I would be concerned about that.

I haven’t read the previous replies yet. I am a gentle attachment parent and I have a just turned 5 year old and they told them off for this. It’s not acceptable but it wasn’t acceptable when they started running around the picnic rather than the falling into the food so I think the telling off/pointing out the problem should have come before the child ruined the food.

Being on the same/similar page is important before you start ttc. Maybe reading some parenting books together. I would try the Philippa Perry book.

I hate to say it, but @Shehasadiamondinthesky is spot on with this. This is the kid who won’t be told not to put his shoes on your cream sofa, or not to run around around your house with chocolate smeared hands....

This. I have a 3yo. In this scenario what I'd have done is taken her aside when she started acting wild and explained why we don't do it - because the picnic has everyone's food on it and it's for everyone to enjoy, that it's fine to run around but please do it over there away from the food, or, now everyone is sitting and eating so please sit down here and have your lunch or if you aren't hungry go over there and play, but if you do that (running through picnic) again, we're going home. And - this is the secret magic bit - I'd have followed through. They can understand that well before 5.

It really isn't rocket science with NT kids. The ones who behave like wild animals at 5/6 are the ones who've been parented in a "Oh Jonny, stop climbing that fence. If you don't stop we're leaving. Alright, you're climbing it, but just once. Oh, you're doing it again. Fine, but only that bit. Oh, you're climbing there, well fine, but if you do it again we're leaving...." kind of way, imo.

The one certainty about parenting is that it, and you, won't be at all like you imagine.

I thought we'd be all arts and crafts and board games

Had the picnic already been eaten? If so it’s no big deal.

It really isn't rocket science with NT kids. The ones who behave like wild animals at 5/6 are the ones who've been parented in a "Oh Jonny, stop climbing that fence. If you don't stop we're leaving. Alright, you're climbing it, but just once. Oh, you're doing it again. Fine, but only that bit. Oh, you're climbing there, well fine, but if you do it again we're leaving...." kind of way, imo

DS had one of these in his primary class took me until year 6 to finally have enough (should have done it years before- the child was a nightmare)

@GoldenOmber

If be more concerned about the inflexibility: “I don’t have any experience of parenting but I’ve already decided how I’m going to do it, and I’m worried you won’t like it but I don’t consider it something I can/want to change.”

This is a really good point. Your partner's given you an 'IN' to discuss how you will both parent. You should take that opportunity.

I wouldn't want to have children with a man who has already stated he'll be strict and shouty. It's not a nice childhood for a child really. My BIL is like this and honestly it's awful to watch a fully grown man standing over a child shouting, it's just bullying.

What if you have a child with SEN or a particularly sensitive child? Children are individuals and you don't know what will work with yours until you have them.
I can honestly say I've only raised my voice on a handful of occasions in 13 years of parenting, I've just never found it necessary because you know I'm an adult and there are better ways to communicate.

Have you - or he - read “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read”? It confronts a lot of our ideas about parenting and where they come from. Your DH might get a lot out of it? It would be a good place for you to have discussions at least.

It’s important, I think, that parents approach discipline the same way otherwise you’ll contradict each other. And maybe even resent each other.

(I would not have been with you on the reaction to that child. Presumably they were sugared up! And it’s not like they wanted to fall on, and spoil, the picnic.)

Yeah I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour from a 5/6 year old.
I also wouldn’t respond with a cuddle! Lol.
A child of that age shouldn’t be running through a picnic!

Team DH.

The type of aren't you matters much much less than most people think ( real abuse aside of course)

www.newscientist.com/article/mg24232310-800-the-parenting-myth-how-kids-are-raised-matters-less-than-you-think/

You may not be able to read the whole article but the first few paragraphs five a good idea of the content

The last part of the article says that effectively that the things we do and say as parents do sometimes.( In the minority of times) have an effect but what that effect is is almost completely unpredictable.

It finishes with the very wise advice (that is generally completely ignored by everyone )

As a parent there is no pont blaming ( or congratulating ) yourself for how your children turn out . As an adult stop blaming your parents for everything ( again abusive parents aside of course)

Children and parenting style do cause the most arguments in families though,( along with money) so if you want to encourage more harmonious family, either realise that different parenting styles are absolutely fine ( and genuinely believe it), try to reach a compromise or only marry someone whose parenting style is the same as yours

3 children here and yes, I would have probably shouted at 6 yo that did that!! 3 and under, I’d react like your friend, but definitely not at 6 years old.
How many young children do know?
I think until you have them, or unless you work with children you don’t realise what behaviour is appropriate for different ages and can’t tend to lump them altogether as ‘young kids’. But honestly, a 5 or 6 year old shouldn’t be running through picnics, that’s embarrassing for the parent and very poor behaviour. I’m sure you’ll feel the same once you have yours!!!

I have a 6 year old

If he ran through the picnic, tripped up and caused a mess, damn right he would have gotten into trouble.

6 year olds know better. They could run anywhere they liked, not through a picnic.

Just to clarify I think the child had maybe hurt themselves as they were upset so that's why the mum gave him a hug. I said "maybe" give them a hug, obviously if they're fine then I would just talk to them/ point out that they spoiled the picnic and that would be quite firm but not shouty.

As PP have said my concern is that DH said he would "shout" and also feeling a bit anxious that he said I "won't like" his parenting style.

Thank you to those who have suggested books... DH is very enthusiastic about being a dad and we both want to get it right (in as much as you can!) so we will look into those :)

Someone should have taken action long before it got to face planting in the picnic. Then there's no need for anyone to shout.

I thought I would be laid back as a parent and relaxed about things. Turns out I’m the exact opposite!! There’s no way to know what kind of parent you are going to be, but you can have conversations about what parents you would like to be. I too would have been very cross at my child at that age running through a picnic rug. They certainly would not be getting a hug!!
It’s good that you’re talking about it, it’s important to be on the same page with things such as discipline as it can create more problems when you parent differently.

If my five year old did that I’d be furious, if I was with a parent who was so wet they rewarded bad behaviour I wouldn’t be meeting with that parent again.

We had a parent like this at rugby tots, we had to ask them to leave as their selfishness was having a negative impact on the other children.

I'd have been furious if my child had done something so stupid and I'd probably have shouted. I can't bear wishy washy parenting. I'm not a dragon at all and I'm really not strict but stupid/thoughtless/dangerous behaviour will get me cross.

No one knows what type of parent they will actually be, but he has been open and honest with you about how he thinks he will be, I would listen. However, I agree that for a 5 year old that's ridiculous behaviour, sometimes it is good for children to have boundaries.