DH said I won't like his parenting style

[strawberrydonuts]

So yesterday I was at a picnic with my DH and some friends. A friend's kid (around 5/6 yrs old) was a bit excitable and ran right through the picnic, he fell over, faceplanted the dips and basically made a big mess.

DH later said that if that was his child (we're currently childless but TTC) he would have shouted at the child and would not have been able to stay as calm as this child's mum was in the situation. He would have been embarrassed at the child's behaviour.

He then went on to say he's worried that I won't like his parenting style when we have a child, because he will be quite strict whereas I would be a bit more relaxed. His dad used to shout at him a lot growing up so I worry this has rubbed off a bit!

I would do what the mum did which was basically pick the kid up, wipe off his face, maybe give him a bit of a hug (as falling over can be upsetting!) Then tell him to be more careful because look, he wrecked the picnic and now no one can have dips.

Should I be worried that we will clash on discipline when we have a child? Does anyone have a different outlook on discipline to their partner and how does it work for you? Is it a source of worry/ stress or does it work OK?

A 5-6yr old would generally be in their second year of school and if they did that sort of thing at school it would be unacceptable. It would have resulted in a short telling off from me and I would have asked for an apology.

I wouldn't shout but definitely would've told the child off and to be honest would've intervened before they crashed through a picnic. DS is 2.5 and I wouldn't let him just run through a picnic then give him a hug!

My son is 40 now and freely admits that if he didn't have any boundaries as a child he would have been a little shit

Does you dh actually want children op? Does he want them but just feel worried he won't be a good parent? or does he actively dislike the thought of being saddled with a family?

5/6 is different to 2/3 years old. If my nearly 3 year old did that I'd shout and tell her to be careful. I'd pick her up and then shout and then clean her up.
It's about establishing boundaries and your child knowing that's not the right way to behave at that particular moment in time.
There's no harm in two parents having differences in parenting styles. I'm strict such my DD as I'm a single parent and she needs to know mummy isn't her friend, I'm her parent.

I personally wouldn’t have let a 5/6 year old off so easily, and it wouldn’t be right to either because then they would never learn not to do it again. I’m guessing the mum is used to this type of behaviour and the child may be clumsy or have other issues you aren’t aware of.

I'd be cross and embarrassed but shouting is really only a reaction, and only necessary in situations where there is immediate danger. I think you and your partner should do parenting classes. This would give you a better idea of how to manage challenging situations. The most important thing is to be consistent and work as a team. You need to be on the same page otherwise to reduce conflict and enjoy your time as parents, watching your children grow and learn. Lots of things like character and personality have a huge impact on how well you get on with your child too. So sometimes with the best will in the world, if you have a wild child or an attention seeker, you will have to decide how closely they need monitoring at social events. Once they know what's expected of them, after a few fails, you will all be happier. You don't get that from shouting and berating them.

Shouting isn’t a parenting style though is it? Yes we all lose it with our children from time to time - but most people don’t set out to parent that way. And he said himself it’s because he couldn’t ‘stay calm’ not because he thinks it would actually be a more effective way of parenting. I wouldn’t be impressed with that.

Not intervening before an overexcited 5yo wrecks the picnic and then hugging them when they do is the rubbish parenting imo.

I don’t think you really know what kind of parent you’ll be until they are here but it’s worth thrashing it out now. Especially key boundaries.

Neither of us shouts (I had a very calm house growing up and it was great and DH house was very tense and shouty so we both were keen not to be shouty lol) but we are firm when needed and have boundaries that we both agree on.

The main thing however is that you support each other even if you don’t agree in the moment. No chinks in the armour! DS isn’t getting away with anything with me that DH has just disciplined on, and vice versa. He knows what’s what in our house.

And a child that age running around the picnic like that isn’t going to think ahead and worry about crashing into the picnic, especially if the adults don’t say anything about it. If the adults just sit there not bothered they will just think that behaviour is fine - it’s the parent’s job to pre-empt these situations. I think it’s a bit shitty when I see parents let their children act like that and then suddenly kick off and shout at them when an accident does eventually happen.

My six year old would've had a bollocking for ruining the picnic and being utterly careless.

The question is, is your husband going to fly off the handle for minor misdemeanours? That would be the concern, not this particular scenario.

@bumblingbovine49

The type of aren't you matters much much less than most people think ( real abuse aside of course)

www.newscientist.com/article/mg24232310-800-the-parenting-myth-how-kids-are-raised-matters-less-than-you-think/

You may not be able to read the whole article but the first few paragraphs five a good idea of the content

The last part of the article says that effectively that the things we do and say as parents do sometimes.( In the minority of times) have an effect but what that effect is is almost completely unpredictable.

It finishes with the very wise advice (that is generally completely ignored by everyone )

As a parent there is no pont blaming ( or congratulating ) yourself for how your children turn out . As an adult stop blaming your parents for everything ( again abusive parents aside of course)

Children and parenting style do cause the most arguments in families though,( along with money) so if you want to encourage more harmonious family, either realise that different parenting styles are absolutely fine ( and genuinely believe it), try to reach a compromise or only marry someone whose parenting style is the same as yours

This looks really interesting. Shame it wants me to pay over £60 to read it!

@tiredanddangerous

I would have told off a 5/6 year old who did that, and so would DH. And I would have made them help clean up the mess.

Same here!

@strawberrydonuts, the child had the rest of the area to run around and be excited - no excuse for them to near to and ruin a picnic for others - completely unacceptable behaviour! Acting soft touch in these situations is a cop out and is a good way to start encouraging kids to be selfish and not take others into consideration. I see kids (who grow up the same as teens/adults) like this and it's a result of bad parenting.

I would worry if I was parenting with someone like you OP - kids who are not disciplined or brought up well are always horrors.

I'd be like you with a 3 year old but 5/6 is far too old to behave like that. (I'm assuming no drip feed like other picnics set up all around you so there was no room to run around)

@DNTSleepingDragons

I’d have shouted at a child who did that. But calmly. That’s not acceptable behaviour. It’s rare that parents agree on parenting but it’s worth having these conversations now.

‘Shouted calmly’

I’d like to see that in action

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I must be a hard-faced cow as if my 6yo hurt themselves running across (and ruining) a picnic, I'd have said "well, you've got nobody to blame but yourself. Sit here next to me til youve calmed down".

I would be the exact same. Instead of rewarding bad behaviour, they fully recognise the consequences and are much less likely to do it again. Mumsnet isn't really representative of most real life mothers though, I've noticed there's a lot more wishy washy lax parents on here.

It’s hard to say as it depends on the child! They are all different and you don’t really know how you will find parenting until you start your own journey.

I would be worried by your DH comment though.

I would be hugely wary of having a child with someone who would shout at their child for falling over. Shouting at children generally is such a shitty, aggressive thing to do.

It’s possible and important to discipline children without shouting at them. Adults don’t shout at one another when mistakes are made, so why do we think it’s ok to shout at kids? Especially considering the size discrepancy and how consequently frightening it is for them.

For those reasons it would be a big no from me unless he was willing to accept that his intended style was a problem he needed to address before considering children.

It's not necessary to shout to be a competent strict parent. I would have told my DC off sternly (but no shouting), asked them to apologise to everyone else for wreaking the picnic food and made them sit next to me for 10 minutes until they felt they could go and play sensibly again. Shouting rarely equals good parenting...we've all done it but it's more a symptom of losing control (which is sometimes understandable) than a planned discipline technique.

I guess it also depends on what's meant by shouting. In that situation a loud exclamation from a parent at the moment of impact is completely different to hauling the child up and yelling in his face. I can absolutely see myself doing the first.