Is being a mum really bad as many make out?

[nervousscaredxxxx]

Please forgive the name it’s just how I feel right now! And if I’ve put this on the wrong topic I’m sorry I thought this was most appropriate?

I’m quite early pregnant and suffering with morning sickness and tiredness - normal symptoms in a pregnancy. I hate not feeling healthy or ‘normal’ so this has really knocked me down. During this time I’ve had so many thoughts like how can I be a mother if I can’t handle some vomiting and tiredness? Especially the tiredness

I don’t have any excitement right now. My partner is excited and excited to tell family but for some reason I just feel reluctant to. I’m scared and I’m nervous and don’t know if I’ll be a good mum. I’m scared I’m putting this child at a disadvantage by having me as a mother

It also doesn’t help that at the minute all I seem to be finding is posts and articles saying how hard it is to be a mother and how draining and bad it is!

I’m in such a difficult place I don’t know if it’s hormones but I just feel so low about this. I’m quite young too (early 20s under 25) and I just keep having thoughts like I’ll be young with my freedom pretty much gone!

I’ve tried to speak to DP without it sounding like i want to book a termination but he does get that vibe. I don’t know I just guess I want to hear it’s not bad and it’s actually good to be a mum

It's one of those things that's really going to depend. If you have grandparent help for example that is going to make your life easier.
Also you may have an easy baby. Some people I think have easy babies and think that actually it's something they've done and other people just weren't doing the right thing if they find parenting hard, but really it seems like a lottery as to what your baby / child is like.

I didn't think I'd be very maternal but it turns out I am, much more than I expected. I find being a mum has big highs and big lows, whereas pre children just kind of bounced around in the middle.

I haven't read the whole thread OP, but I just wanted to add that the tiredness you feel in the 1st trimester of pregnancy is nothing like the tiredness you feel from any possible lack of sleep after having children, in my opinion. 1st trimester is complete and utter physical exhaustion, on top of felling very unwell from the sickness. This doesn't compare to feeling tired or sleepy from some lack of sleep. 1st trimester exhaustion would put anyone off being a parent if that were to continue! Luckily it doesn't.

I have 4 children and have loved almost every minute, even the newborn period. . Having doubts and worries is perfectly normal... You are human.

My personal opinion too, is that mothers can function just as well on less sleep than previously. I just don't seem to need the same amount anymore. I wonder if anyone else feels the same?

Honestly, you just adapt. I didn't really like being pregnant, couldn't deal with the tiredness, and dreaded what having a newborn would be like... indeed DS was a bad sleeper and those first few weeks were awful, but you just survive it then things improve. My DS is 5 months now, and even though he's still up 3 times a night, I've just got used to it and can function pretty normally. Moreover, I LOVE being a mum (I was never maternal and wasn't sure I would). It IS hard work (my DS is v demanding!), it IS a full time job, but it's the most rewarding and enjoyable job I've ever had! Good luck!

@nervousscaredxxxx.
I hope you are ok.

This thread isn’t fun to read. Only petrifying! The reports on parenthood is what puts me off perhaps doing it. There never seems to be any positives! Only negatives. Why do people do it with such doom and gloom about?!

I think you won't know how it is until you have the baby. But it is hard! However I was 10 years older than you when I had my first, I wish I had done it younger when I had more energy!!

I think motherhood is somewhat what you make it. At least that’s my experience.

You will lose a lot of freedoms but there are also choices.

You can choose whether you breastfeed or not. You can choose whether you have more than one child or not. You can choose to be a stay at home parent or use childcare and go back to work. You can choose whether you sleep train once they’re older if necessary.

Some of these choices may or may not make your life easier. (I realise I’m speaking from the position of someone with a healthy and neurotypical child - other parents are dealing with a whole other set of challenges I can’t even imagine.)

If I’d followed every single thing I hear about what you “have” to do to be a good parent then I would have hated it. I took some decisions which made my life easier and I love being a mother to DD. Of course some days are hard but she’s also hilarious, loving, secure, confident and most of the time I’m a really good parent.

They will become the most important thing in your life but you don’t have to lose yourself to motherhood either.

@Choices21 because I was young and stupid and didn’t take the time to research the reality of being a parent; whereas when people like yourself DO ( sensibly), it’s like screaming warnings at you either not to do it or go into it without rose tinted glasses!

I know a few people who don’t say anything positive about parenting at all due to hearing nothing but positives growing up and it’s mostly a load of shit. So I think it’s almost going the other extreme now where people feel like saving others from the blissful ignorance about parenting

Being a mum is amazing. In my experience I found the first six months tough but when your baby starts smiling and you see them explore the world it makes you laugh at their expressions and you would never want to be without them.

I am a older mum and it breaks my heart to think I could have missed out on having a baby if I hadn't got pregnant when I did.

Get as financially secure as you can, get your partner to help, if any grandparents want to help let them, buy a dishwasher, a tumble dryer and don't feel under pressure to take advice if you don't feel it's right for you (mine included 😂).

The are ways around most challenges and whenever I'm going through a tough time with my son all he has to do is smile and all is forgotten.

In response to your question OP people go on about the doom and gloom because telling people about the positives can come across as insensitive or boastful plus it's not interesting for others to hear how much you love your child so a lot of people keep quiet.

Plus a horror story is always more fun to tell and embellishing the gory details is even more enjoyable!

@Monkeyrules. This are nice comments.

Realise I’m not the OP but what you say about it breaking your heart that you may not have had a child resonates with me. I’m older and have almost felt paralysed with my choice about if I should try to be pregnant. I’m say yes then no. What puts me off is the negative stories. I almost feel like I have to much information and that’s sometimes a bad thing.

*These are

Thanks Choices21 sorry I got in a muddle.

I felt exactly the same as you, had a miscarriage and years of IVF. If I knew then what I know now I would have tried for a baby sooner. However I am not you and you know yourself best. If you feel a yearning to be a mother trust your instincts. It's not a head over heart decision and can't be rationalised. Likewise if babies and children don't tug at your heart maybe it's not for you.

Like you say wading through the mixed comments makes it a hard decision but it sounds like you think things through a lot and there is an element of the unknown but I think you need to act on your instincts on this one (sorry for the unsolicited advice..it's just I wish someone had said this to me sooner).

If you have a kid at 25 you get your life back in your 40s when you’re still young enough to live. If you wait till you’re 40 to have kids you’ll be pushing 60 before you’re free and basically your life is over. Motherhood is great if you have support, by which I mean someone to take your kid away and give you time to enjoy your life. But without support you’re tied, you’ll never be able to go out again and you might as well be dead.

I have two kids - a 3.5yo and 9 week old.

I am not baby person. Never have been. Never will be. I hate the newborn stage with an unholy burning passion. I wondered if I’d like it better with my second as it’s not such a shock - nope. I hate it. I can’t even put into words just how much I utterly fucking detest the lack of sleep (and he’s a reasonably good sleeper), the screaming for no apparent reason, having my diet restricted while we figure out wtf makes him scream so much in case it’s an allergy. I hate being tied to such a demanding, relentless thing. On more than one occasion over the last 9 weeks I’ve regretted continuing the pregnancy (it was a surprise, I was thoroughly done at 1) (also then feel insanely guilty, because the little dude didn’t ask to be born!)

The only reason I can bear it and get through it this time, is I know it passes quickly. They aren’t tiny for long thank goodness and toddlers are bloody awesome!

My 3.5 year old is the light of my life - I absolutely adore spending time with him. Watching him grow and learn is such a privilege, I’m so unbelievably proud of him, he’s absolutely amazing! And I know I’ll feel this way once his baby brother gets a bit older 😊

Being pregnant is hard and being a mum is worse. I have three dd - and I find it so hard. I hated being pregnant because I had two mc, one at 19 weeks.
My advices would be tell everyone who you would tell if you had a mc, you will need their support if anything happened.
As far as motherhood goes, there are flitting moments, your child calling your name when they are hurt, little hands holding you tight, their smile and laugh, watching them in their first dance recital or school play, watching your children play together or laugh together, that make it all worth it.

It is the hardest job I have ever done, at time hell but I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

In response to your question OP people go on about the doom and gloom because telling people about the positives can come across as insensitive or boastful
That’s not the case at all. It’s because it’s not socially acceptable to say how shit motherhood is and how much you hate it. The other week an acquaintance announced her pregnancy and DH and I congratulated them... then in private we pissed ourselves laughing saying “They have no idea what’s coming... their lives are over!” Call it schadenfreude - we took joy in the fact that others were going to suffer like we had.

Why have more than 1 child if you hate it so much?

I’m leaving this thread as you are all so very negative.

I suggest you don’t become a parent at all then if you can stand being around any negativity when people are just commenting truthfully to help another poster otherwise I think you may have a huge shock

@Donitta

If you have a kid at 25 you get your life back in your 40s when you’re still young enough to live. If you wait till you’re 40 to have kids you’ll be pushing 60 before you’re free and basically your life is over. Motherhood is great if you have support, by which I mean someone to take your kid away and give you time to enjoy your life. But without support you’re tied, you’ll never be able to go out again and you might as well be dead.

I'm intrigued... what do you think happens at 60?

@Donitta why do you think that you ‘get your life back’ after your kids are less dependent?

Humans on the whole enjoy having dependants, why do you think we have pets?

My life certainly isn’t over now I’ve had a DC.

Should someone who hates being depended on have dependents?

I have to say that my animals are far more trouble than DD. They were good preparation as had no freedom to lose. Horse is 100% harder than DD, the cats and hens are also more bothersome.
The only lifestyle change DD has brought about is less wine (probably a good thing as I was a bit of a drinker) and less time alone (definitely a good thing as I’m an unsociable old bag).
I do everything I did before. She tags along happily.
I was 41 when she was born so had from 18-41 to be reckless and irresponsible (which I most definitely was). I feel very content these days.

Donnita "If you have a kid at 25 you get your life back in your 40s when you’re still young enough to live. If you wait till you’re 40 to have kids you’ll be pushing 60 before you’re free and basically your life is over. Motherhood is great if you have support, by which I mean someone to take your kid away and give you time to enjoy your life. But without support you’re tied, you’ll never be able to go out again and you might as well be dead."

😳

A big to unpack, here.

If you have a child at '25' you'll 'have your life back' in your 40s (47 if they do uni...), but where's the cash to enjoy yourself? You gave up, or compromised your career, or put your DC in childcare 7-6 every day.

Child later? In your 40s? Hopefully financially and professionally sound and hopefully with a wealth of fun and experience behind you.

Personally I wouldn't have had DC without support. Though I know, the best laid plans etc. But even without, your life doesn't have to be 'over'!

I actually think it’s a really good sign how realistic you are about the difficulties of motherhood so I think you will find the reality of it a pleasant surprise!

I was the opposite, buried my head in the sand, thought my life would be exactly the same, and then the first two weeks of motherhood I was just like wtf have I done?!! I also am in no way maternal. BUT, when you have your own baby, the switch will flick and you will get this all consuming sense of love, pride and joy. It also rapidly gets easier and soon you find yourself desperately missing them when they are not with you.

Some positives to hold onto:

• baby = maternity leave, I.e. a fabulous time of socialising, brunch dates, coffees etc
• the fact you are super anxious about it shows what an incredible mum you will be as you are already extremely concerned about doing a good job (you will do a fantastic job)
• your youth means that you and your child will be super close as you grow older. They’ll probably want to go to the pub with you when they’re a teenager
• 20s are really, really overrated!!