Is being a mum really bad as many make out?

[nervousscaredxxxx]

Please forgive the name it’s just how I feel right now! And if I’ve put this on the wrong topic I’m sorry I thought this was most appropriate?

I’m quite early pregnant and suffering with morning sickness and tiredness - normal symptoms in a pregnancy. I hate not feeling healthy or ‘normal’ so this has really knocked me down. During this time I’ve had so many thoughts like how can I be a mother if I can’t handle some vomiting and tiredness? Especially the tiredness

I don’t have any excitement right now. My partner is excited and excited to tell family but for some reason I just feel reluctant to. I’m scared and I’m nervous and don’t know if I’ll be a good mum. I’m scared I’m putting this child at a disadvantage by having me as a mother

It also doesn’t help that at the minute all I seem to be finding is posts and articles saying how hard it is to be a mother and how draining and bad it is!

I’m in such a difficult place I don’t know if it’s hormones but I just feel so low about this. I’m quite young too (early 20s under 25) and I just keep having thoughts like I’ll be young with my freedom pretty much gone!

I’ve tried to speak to DP without it sounding like i want to book a termination but he does get that vibe. I don’t know I just guess I want to hear it’s not bad and it’s actually good to be a mum

It's tough but worth it ! Personally I found the baby years incredibly hard and found zero joy in the newborn stage but my funny , chatty , cheeky toddler is worth every difficult minute we had .

There's no greater joy than seeing your child learn how to draw , say I love you and act like an absolute fool

@nervousscaredxxxx

Is it a sign that no comments here are really making me think yeah I’m happy with this

I’m really still resenting this and I feel so guilty for it. Did any of you resent getting pregnant/being pregnant?

Yes, I did. I hated pregnancy, resented that it was happening to my body, that all these idiots were saying don’t do this think of the babies etc (I wasn’t doing anything unusual!). It’s perfectly ok to hate pregnancy.

Keep an eye out for prenatal depression, I definitely had it. I was so desperate for my babies to survive but at the same time I was googling abortions as the pressure I felt to keep them alive (in my head!) was too much.

I remember being really surprised when my DTs were about 8 weeks old that I’d not died from lack of sleep. I developed a whole new respect for my body at that point, because even though my brain was screaming about how exhausted I was, my body just kept on going.

Being 100% honest, being a parent is hard bloody work. Lots of drudgery, housework, arguing with miniature versions of yourself and being utterly knackered a lot of the time. My hormones and body were all over the place, I’d no idea what on Earth happened to me as a woman or what my life was anymore. But... my kids are 100% worth it. The teeny tiny milestones like holding their own head up or their first smile are extraordinary events. Every day is a magical adventure discovering something new for them, and I get to be there with them. The love I feel for them (don’t worry if it’s not an instantaneous thing, it’s not for lots of women including me) is overwhelming and beautiful. There’s lots of stress, repetitiveness, crying and noise, but my kids just make it all worth it. They’re amazing.

I guess really I find it difficult to think of how to explain what’s good about being a mum. For me, it’s the teeny tiny moments which whilst I could write hundreds of pages about, it would bore the tits off of anyone reading it! They happen all day, every day, even peeking in to check on them whilst they’re sleeping is part of it for me.

FWIW, I wouldn’t swap being a mother for anything even though my children do literally drive me crazy sometimes most days. It’s been one hell of a journey so far!

OP you just need to carve out the kind of mum you want to be. One of the reasons it can be difficult is the amount of pressure women put on themselves. I decided very early on what kind of mum I was going to be, I figured out the bits I was good at and the bits I'm not, I don't try to make myself be something I'm not or enjoy something I don't. For me that meant getting back to work, making the most of grandparent help so DH and I got time together and making decisions that aren't always child centred, but consider what DH and I need to, I don't subscribe to this idea that I no longer matter because everything I do must be for the children, I don't think that's healthy for anyone. That's not to say I shirk everything, I've spent months of my life awake through the night with a child attached to my boob, hours agonising over ofsted reports, driving thousands of miles carting them around to their activities! But I balance our needs and wants accordingly for our greater wellbeing, and for that, I am a happy mum who can admit it can be hard, but I don't make it harder than it needs to be.

If it matters, I was also a young mum.

My experience of motherhood (baby is only 7 months) is that it's absolutely wonderful. I'm tired yeah but I feel so much love and joy every day. My son makes me feel fulfilled, excited about everything and like a stronger, kinder person. I still have everything I had before, just a little less freedom to go out at night, but that's ok for now.

I second this. My DS is 13 months and there have been some really challenging times, but it’s hands down the best thing I’ve ever done and has brought me and DH so much happiness. If I was offered a time machine to go back to my life pre-baby, I would turn it down in an instant!

I always wanted to be a mum but when I found out I was pregnant, even though we were trying, I was in shock for a while and it took a while to sink in. It is a big responsibility and it's daunting thinking about how much influence you can have on a person but at the end of the day it comes down to can you love the little one? And that's what they truly need. Motherhood is hard for everyone at some point or another but every day you get to see a beautifully perfect face who thinks the world of you even though you're imperfect. My journey as a mother started off really hard, it felt like getting punched in the face and having my nose broken with the most intense love I could ever feel or even imagine. You will lose parts of your freedom but you will gain a whole lot more and as your baby grows you'll get your freedom back. Just keep doing what you love and let others around you help with the childcare. Motherhood is brilliant, warts and all.

@toolazytothinkofausername

I had DS1 when I was 23 and had DS2 when I was 24.

Being a mum with no support is awful. Being a mum with a supportive partner and family/friends is fantastic The first 6 years are hard, but also so wonderful Now my boys are 8 and 10 and they are so much fun!

This poster basically said everything I wanted to say. I had mine at 24 and 27. They're 19 and 16 now and I'm so happy I had them young and they are literally the best thing in my life and the reason I strive every day. They give my life real meaning. Yes, the first 6 years is difficult like this poster said, but it's so worth it and if I had my time again I'd do it exactly the same.

I think how you're feeling is normal OP. It's so daunting to be pregnant and know how much life is going to change, particularly when you feel physically awful. I had awful sickness and headaches and generally feeling shit through both pregnancies and felt exactly the same as you - if I can't hack this how will I manage having a baby and looking after it? Actually though, no longer being pregnant meant I felt so much better physically that was a boost all by itself I was 25 when I had my first.

I also think pregnancy, especially your first, is a lonely time in many ways. Your partner's life hasn't changed at all yet, and won't really until the baby is here. So it's very hard for them to get all the emotions we're feeling as we feel the physical effects of pregnancy and this human growing inside us. I think this gives mothers an advantage in a way though, as we can actually prepare and work through all these weird conflicting feelings over the pregnancy. Men are just suddenly hit with reality when the baby is born.

Being a parent is tiring and hard but it's also honestly fucking wonderful. Watching them grow, their personalities developing, each new milestone and development, the depth of love you feel... It's really amazing. But right now you're awash with wild hormones, and scared of what's coming, and facing the unknown. I think the biggest thing you can do to help yourself at the moment is to accept your feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel and trying to tell yourself you should feel differently is a losing battle that just causes your more pain. No part of parenting from pregnancy onwards is all happy and lovely and that's fine. It's just like anything else in life. Nothing is permanently good or bad. So you don't need to judge yourself for feeling negative at the mo.

I definitely began to enjoy it more once I had a bump and could feel kicks. So the whole almost first half of pregnancy is feeling a bit (or A LOT) unwell and absolutely no other sign of a baby. It's all a bit anticlimactic and strange. In my experience it really does get better. And becoming a mother has been so good for me, I've matured and grown so much, I'm so much more grounded, you're forced to be in the present more. Just take each day as it comes.

Mine are 3 and 5 now and I wouldn't change a thing. Even when they won't go to bed

Having kids is rubbish. Having kids is wonderful. Having kids is hard, and easy, and fun and frustrating. It is every possible feeling.

@rhowton

Having kids is rubbish. Having kids is wonderful. Having kids is hard, and easy, and fun and frustrating. It is every possible feeling.

Absolutely this

I've just had my second baby and my experience is:

The first trimester is absolutely horrible. It's not just the constant nausea but the exhaustion is all consuming. You can get medication for the nausea but it can temporarily make you feel more tired!

The third trimester is uncomfortable but so much better the first trimester. There is tiredness (especially as you get up several times a night to pee) but it isn't such an awful feeling as the first trimester.

Having a new baby is tiring - but it still didn't feel as physically awful as the first trimester!

Yes it is

Don’t forget there are many stages of motherhood. I’d rather cut my own arm off than have another newborn in the house, but find toddlers and school-age children an absolute delight. Others love having a little squishy newborn and feel exhausted with a toddler constantly on the go. It will be okay, you will manage, and the love you feel for your child will get you through. It’s such a big change to your life, it’s completely normal to feel apprehensive. I wouldn’t change my life as a mum for anything though.

I'm surprised I see so many people saying how bad it is on here and other places. The only thing that I don't like is early mornings but as soon as I'm up with them it's great, just the initial opening of the eyes and cursing ever having them ! But I think it's a bit trendy to complain about being a mum so I would take with a pinch of salt! I love it

Everyone you'll ever meet has or had a mother. Most of them lived to tell the tale. You'll be fine.

I’m not sure it’s trendy to complain about being a mum and I think that actually really diminishes people’s experiences. I think it’s a good thing that woman are more comfortable and feel less judged vocalising their feelings towards being a mother. I don’t feel particularly trendy that I had PND at the beginning and talked a lot about how I thought I’d ruined my life (I can assure the OP I hadn’t!£. I’m personally glad that it seems so much easier to talk about now then in say my own mother’s time. I’m so glad you find motherhood so wonderful but it’s okay that others don’t. I don’t think others experiences ‘should be taken with a pinch of salt’ just because it doesn’t align with yours.

Women nowadays are so much more open with their experiences and feelings than before so this may be why you're coming across comments like that so often. To be honest, I wish I had someone telling me how hard it was going to be instead of all the roses and sunshine I was getting - reality hit me like a bus when DD came along. The first trimester is horrendous when you're feeling tired and sickly bit that passes. I know it's a cliché but being a mother is the hardest but most rewarding thing you'll ever do, the first year is always the toughest because your whole life changes and everything is about your baby. But with all of this comes this lovely feeling of accomplishment when your baby first smiles, laughs, rolls over, crawls, walks, first words - there is a lot that is good about it. You are young-ish but to me, that's a good thing, you've got more energy and you'll have your independence back in your early thirties instead of early forties! At the end of the day, you need to decide if you're ready by distinguishing between negative feelings due to MH issues/ raging hormones or whether you simply don't want this baby. It's a hard one to work out and come to terms with but it's an important decision to be made. If only we all had a crystal ball, life would be much easier.

Oh OP I resonated with this so much!

I got pregnant in my early/mid 20’s. DH was early 30’s and thrilled!
Everyone was thrilled as we were newlywed, nice home and first grandchild on either side it was all very exciting.

I had HG from around 6 weeks and was MISERABLE I honestly thought I would die before DS arrived it was so horrible and I lost any and all excitement. It felt like DS was all that mattered to everyone and I was just a walking incubator.

I did not bond well with that pregnancy.
Worried a lot that I’d struggle with DS or suffer PND after he arrived. Luckily I didn’t but honestly I can’t say the ‘becoming a mum’ stage with a newborn was fab either. Luckily I got put in touch with a group of other mums who were really honest and knowing we all felt similar was amazing!

Becoming a mum isn’t like being hit by a bus of unconditional love, for most at least.
You lay there stewing in your own juices, stitched up and scared to sneeze whilst they hand you a tiny stranger who you know on paper and in theory you love...but you don’t actually know them and it all feels a bit weird. The first 6 weeks felt like a slightly numb haze of constant worry, sleep deprivation and going through the motions but it wasn’t terrible, we just felt numb and everything was suddenly so different. It’s a tough transition.

It gets easier and you fall in love with the little person in a way you never knew possible. It just takes a bit of time.

I found that having a huge wardrobe clear out when DS was about 3 months and treating myself to a few new items made me feel a lot better like getting to ‘redesign’ my image a bit. I loved the person I had been and the style I had but it was time for a refresh

I think you are perfectly normal. I remember the tiredness even now, thirty nine years later. Yes, I've been tired since, but the tiredness in pregnancy is something unique to that situation.

And of course you're concerned rather than bubbling with excitement - it's a big job and you've taken it on. Some of it will be wonderful and some of it will be dire.

Good luck.

It is really hard. Amazing but hard. It’s probably better to have realistic expectations, the fatigue I felt in pregnancy was nothing compared to a newborn. But some babies are much easier than others so you never know.

I was petrified when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our first. I was Phobic of giving birth and had to put a lot of work in to overcoming that. But I remember looking around when out and about and seeing just how many people have kids- LOADS! In fact it's more unusual not to have kids I'd guess. So then I thought 'well, it obviously can't be that bad otherwise most people wouldn't do it.'

I think before you have the baby it's horrible hearing people say it's the hardest thing ever, because you haven't met your tiny person yet, and it's them that makes it all totally 1000% worth it. Try not to be scared, nature is a magical thing and I expect you'll love your baby more than anything you could imagine. Don't worry if that takes time though. Please keep seeking help and congratulations and good luck 💖

Mine are older now (teens and tweens) and they are my favourite people in the world. It has been, at times, exhausting and completely overwhelming but totally worth it in every way. I would say though, as a another who has experienced mental health problems, you really do have to learn to look after yourself properly, because this gets so much harder when you are looking after someone else. Start building your self-care skills now so you have good habits when the baby is born.

It's like nothing else. Once you're further along its very likely you'll feel better all round. Pregnancy is a super power. First trimester the worst in my experience. An experience like no other and yes can be physically and mentally challenging, I see it as nature's way of preparing you for labour in a way (and I had two v smooth happy labours so it doesn't have to be like the scare stories). Being a mother has taught me how to be selfless, not in a martyr way, I feel like I've grown up. My love and pride for my sons outweighs any loss of sleep or worries. Now they're teens they make tea and meals and do chores and they sleep in longer than I do so it feels easy right now!

I adored the primary school years too, something lovely about that innocent playful time, and baby/toddler stage is mad but it's over in a flash.

I love being a mum. Yes it's hard at times and I've lost freedom and things can get stressful but I wouldn't change a thing. My husband and kids are my whole life and everything I do is for them. I had my first at 20 and I think it's still possible to do things for yourself if you have a good support system in place. However as I've got older and had more kids, I've cared less about socialising and that type of thing and it is now less significant to me. I think we've all complained about having kids, but for most, the good outweighs the bad.

@AliceW89 you don't need to be offended by my comment. I didn't say everyone did I? Some will be exaggerated, some won't. Fact! I'm allowed an opinion and experiences were asked for. You do you, I'll do me!

We were desperate for a baby after getting married and imagined this blissful little life as a three doing all these cute kiddy things. I also thought motherhood would come quite naturally to me. Neither has happened, it’s so hard...We are shattered all the time and I am naturally someone who crams my days whether I’m at work or not, so to stop and just be there to attend to every need this little person has and do nothing for yourself, has been completely frazzling for me. All that being said, god we love our baby - I think you can’t deny how hard it is to create that person but then you cannot describe this love you have for them. I am so protective over mine and I could cuddle him all day if he’d let me lol. I’m still finding it difficult but it is progressively getting more enjoyable as he grows up. I still resent how tired and restricted I feel and crave the day when I can get that back and have a bit of normality in my own routine but sitting their and realising you’ve created a little person and feel that love for them is something else