Is being a mum really bad as many make out?

[nervousscaredxxxx]

Please forgive the name it’s just how I feel right now! And if I’ve put this on the wrong topic I’m sorry I thought this was most appropriate?

I’m quite early pregnant and suffering with morning sickness and tiredness - normal symptoms in a pregnancy. I hate not feeling healthy or ‘normal’ so this has really knocked me down. During this time I’ve had so many thoughts like how can I be a mother if I can’t handle some vomiting and tiredness? Especially the tiredness

I don’t have any excitement right now. My partner is excited and excited to tell family but for some reason I just feel reluctant to. I’m scared and I’m nervous and don’t know if I’ll be a good mum. I’m scared I’m putting this child at a disadvantage by having me as a mother

It also doesn’t help that at the minute all I seem to be finding is posts and articles saying how hard it is to be a mother and how draining and bad it is!

I’m in such a difficult place I don’t know if it’s hormones but I just feel so low about this. I’m quite young too (early 20s under 25) and I just keep having thoughts like I’ll be young with my freedom pretty much gone!

I’ve tried to speak to DP without it sounding like i want to book a termination but he does get that vibe. I don’t know I just guess I want to hear it’s not bad and it’s actually good to be a mum

DD is 2 and a half now and I've still never felt as shit as I did in the first trimester. They are not comparable.

Bear in mind right now your hormones are going loco. Try to go with the flow, watch and read positive things. Get yourself a friendly book to talk you through the stages. Think about the lighter things, names, browse a baby section and pick out one special first toy. Go easy on yourself. Don't get weighed down with the what ifs because you won't know until you know, so you might as well imagine the best case scenario as much as the worst.
For me, I'd much rather have had mine young when I'd have had more energy and they'd have had more time with me and grandparents far into the future. They didn't ruin my life, they made it have purpose alongside my own interests and made me want to be a better person for them.

Is it a sign that no comments here are really making me think yeah I’m happy with this

I’m really still resenting this and I feel so guilty for it. Did any of you resent getting pregnant/being pregnant?

First trimester for me was awful too, I hate the feeling of being sick, but then when that passes it's not awful (unless you've got complications I imagine!). My pregnancy was lovely and simple, simple birth with a long labour but as people say, whilst your living it the birth is bloody painful and hard work but then when it's done it's done if you've had a straight forward one. I actually really enjoyed the pushing stage as it felt productive.

Onto being a mum, I was mid 20s when I had my first DD who is now 8 months. It is hard as PPs say ^^ I find myself so tired and some days I do just feel shocking, and you don't get a minute to yourself. That's what I've found hardest, as I am a quiet and bookish person. It turned that part of my life upside down. Your life is completely changed and everything is about the tiny baby you've made. I find that some friends get it and some don't (not necessarily the ones with kids either!). That's life.

In terms of whether it's awful or not though, well, I don't think so! But I've got the benefit of a supportive partner and I genuinely wouldn't want to do this alone. Of course, if I had to though I would as you do just end up cracking on. Also, when you see them sleeping, or when they sleep on you all cuddled up and peaceful, the world is completely put to right.

Try not to panic OP, what you're describing is totally normal. I had my first at 24 and I HATE pregnancy. I have HG for the first half or so and then even after then feel uncomfortable, get coccyx pain, feel permanently exhausted and don't even get me started on birth...I never really 'bond' with the foetus either, they don't seem that tangible and real to me until they arrive. The first year of my DD's life was also really tough and I did get PND but I had a traumatic birth with a long physical recovery and my DD was high needs and screamed all the time. So certainly my experience isn't the same as lots of other people's. I have friends who are all nostalgic about the newborn days and say they find their toddlers so much harder whereas I find my DD more enjoyable and less stressful the older she gets - she's about to turn 3. I'm pregnant again now too and that brings with it a whole new set of anxieties too of course - birth, coping with a newborn again, coping with two kids this time...etc! However I do feel more confident this time as at least I know what to expect. First time is uniquely scary because you havent got a clue about anything! My DD is my guinea pig child I guess I just wing every aspect of parenting with her whereas I will be able to make more informed and considered decisions with the second I guess haha. If you're struggling a lot with anxiety please tell your midwife.

I love being a mum but yes it’s hard at times and drives me crazy at times but I could say that about being married, about my family and about my job. Nothing is ever 100% good all the time.
It’s the best thing I’ve ever done and the hard times are completely worth it.

I won’t have another child largely because of how awful pregnancy was. There are other reason but non of them are about the children themselves. Yes they are hard, boring and tiring but they are also the most wonderful things in the world. They are funny, interesting and beautiful. The fatigue in pregnancy was 100x worse than new born tiredness for me.

I hated every single second of being pregnant. Really, really hated it. Wanted to crawl out of my own skin and felt like I'd been body snatched.

I LOVE being a mum. The newborn phase is a bit boring, but once they get to 6 weeks and can smile then you're away. Also you can outsource your child but you have to be pregnant all the time for almost a year.

If anything, having an awful pregnancy and hating being pregnant helped me ease into motherhood because nothing was as bad as being pregnant.

Like I said OP my pregnancy was not smooth sailing. There were so many times I wished I had decided not to have a baby. One of my friends had birthday drinks while I was pregnant and didn't invite me. Probably because I could neither walk nor drink and I cried for days about it. I couldn't drive and the only place I felt remotely comfortable was the swimming pool so I was heartbroken I couldn't get there under my own steam. Even once he was here I was still a bit resentful but once I had help for my mental health and we had a kind of routine it all started to click into place and now I'm so so glad we have him. I said to DH if I had to go through it all again to get DS I would but I am so grateful that I don't.

I hated the first year. Once they can talk it gets better and they get very funny.

It is bloody hard in the early days, I can't lie. BUT we had minimal help. Things would have been so much different if we'd had grandparents close enough to help.

For me, it got really awesome from about 4 yrs.

Ignore me if I'm talking bollocks, but are you looking for 'permission' to have an abortion? For most parents the positives do outweigh the negatives, but not for everyone. I think people should only have children if they're at least reasonably confident parenting is something they want and are able to do. There are plenty of unhappy parents, or not-much-good parents, who regret having children.

Not to be too negative - I don't doubt that if you decide to you would be a great mum! Between support groups, parenting books and family help you can work through any bits that don't come naturally. But if you don't want to have kids then that's fine too, it wouldn't make you a bad person or mean you're missing out.

I find having a dog far more constricting, I can take my baby anywhere, well except a club but I don’t frequent those anyway.

Yes it is hard, and you’ll have to vomit and be tired whilst looking after someone else. Nothing is yours and yours alone anymore, even eating a little snack and his head pops up on the sofa and yanks it out of my hand 😂 but the want to look after him and nurture him is greater than any other feeing I have.

I’m a little slum looking whilst he’s in nice clothes, bathed and we’ll fed. It just seems to happen,

@RiaOverTheRainbow hey - no I’m sorry that’s not the purpose!

I’m basically looking for answers to cheer me up and pull me out of this funk so that my mind doesn’t go there as I think if I really really wanted to do that I would’ve sorted it already.

I just kind of want cheering up I guess. I suffer with mental health anyway so these hormones are driving me down the sad path. Combined with not enjoying my physical symptomsb

No, most of the time it's worse.

In that case, would it help to make plans for the things you're worried about? Research parenting books, mother-and-baby groups, other local activities. Plan how you're going to look after your mental health - the small daily things and what you'll do if you need more help. Concrete plans often help me when I'm panicking

Also OP, what are your circumstances like? Will you have supportive wider family?

As many have said, it is hard but it's worth it. And it really does depend on your circumstances! And your personality!

I know you've already spoken to your partner but maybe you need to have another chat about it. See what he makes of your concerns?

I was really worried I'd be a short tempered, stressed and anxious mum. And guess what, I am 😅 BUT I know I'm also a good mother and I love her so so so much and I'll do anything, go without anything, to make sure she has what she needs.

DS is only 9 weeks, but we've had a roller coaster of it. Traumatic birth, jaundice, bf problems, reflux, cows milk protein allergy...but I can honestly say that I don't regret a thing. When I look at him I melt. Even back when I was in agony from an episiotomy, nipples on fire, with only a handful of sleep since before I went into labour. He's amazing. He smiled at me the other week and I burst into tears. I spend hours smelling his head and stroking the little soft bit at the back of his neck.

It's not been easy. We had so much thrown at us in such a short space of time, but he's mine and I love him so much.

Pregnancy is hard. I remember the emotional ups and downs - I was a walking ball of aggression for the last month. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I'm lucky that DH is so good - we parent equally so there's no resentment. He's not one of those useless men. That makes it easier, but I'd still love my boy even if it was just me and him.

I think it's so easy to overthink things. No one can see the future, but I strongly doubt you'd be a bad mum. Bad mums don't tend to care!

First trimester tiredness is the worst I’ve ever experienced, ever, including with a newborn. I spent the first three months of my pregnancy feeling like someone had spiked my porridge with sedatives, would oversleep and wake up weary, felt like the living dead.

I was so scared about how I’d cope with a baby if I couldn’t cope with pregnancy, but in my experience you’re in the worst bit right now (and I had a tough birth and long difficult recovery: first trimester was still worse).

I fucking love being a mum. He’s 3 now and I still love it. My son is hilarious and quirky and nothing like me (I’m a worrier and get very blue sometimes; he is a lump of sunshine), I feel like nobody told me how much fun it can be in amongst the hard. I am more efficient at work and take less shit from others because it teaches you the value of your time. My mental health is better as a mum than it was before.

So yes, it’s possible to have a brilliant time, especially with a hands-on supportive partner in your corner.

Also, for the love of god don’t read parenting books; they are designed to make you feel inadequate.

The most useful parenting advice I have is from my dad which is “never forget they’re teaching you to be their parent at exactly the same pace as you’re teaching them how to be in the world” - you do not have to know it all, or at all: you can figure it out together as you go along.

I almost didn’t have any children as I thought it sounded dreadful.
Had DD at 41 and love every bit of it. It is hard and there are bad days but it’s bloody brilliant. No regrets.

I do think being older helps with confidence as I don’t care much what anyone else thinks, and I think expecting it to be hard means I was pleasantly surprised that it’s overwhelmingly good (with some lows, it’s not prefect-I have sobbed from tiredness a few times).

It's good that you're examining how you feel, right now.

I had DC late. I was 36/38. Prior to that, I had a ball. I'd climbed as far up a career ladder (HCP) as I wanted to, at that stage, I'd spent years travelling the world, living abroad, etc etc. Then I met The One (abroad!), got married; bought the house (easier in your late 30s, I know!), had the DC.

I was never crazy about having kids, it was kind of 'the next step'. Both pregnancies were hard work, I never 'bloomed' or 'glowed' 😂 just got fat!

DS1 was a nightmare. I won't lie. He screamed day and night for a year. Worst year of my life. I only had no 2 because we are a very small family and I wanted DS1 to have a sibling. DS2 was 'normal', so not a 'dream baby' but I was more experienced, and he was consolable.

Would I 'change a thing'? Plenty say they wouldn't! I might...

Mine are now young adults. I have a great relationship with them! I have enjoyed them more, post-babyhood, and their adolescence wasn't too grim. Both now at uni.

But once you have DC, you can 'never be the same again'. I'm a bit of an anxious person, I guess, but IMO most parents will never be 'without worry' again, once you have DC.

But I do know many people who had DC young, then were 'free' to get their own lives back in their mid-forties. Hooray! But were instead bogged down with work, mortgages, failing parental health, divorces etc etc.

None of them bought that motorhome...

So there may not be 'a right time' but I'm bloody glad I didn't have babies in my early 20s, knowing what I do now. With the caveat- many have no interest in partying; going to live in the Big City; getting ahead in a career; backpacking; exploring further afield. So possibly the physical advantages of having babies young makes it a good idea for some? 🤔

It's ok to feel worried and scared in pregnancy. I had a planned pregnancy but I still felt terrified and overwhelmed all the way through. All I could think of was how much I stood to lose.
I definitely struggled with the first year or so and like others have said, love wasn't immediate like in the films. It took me a while to come to terms with my new life, and to be able to see all the great things my son brought me.
Now that he's 2 and a half, I'm besotted with him. Im back at work, part time, which works for me. Pre covid I still had a good social life, seeing friends in the evening and mum friends on my day off.
Mainly my son brings me such joy. He's a wonder. He makes me laugh all the time.
So yes it is hard. And not just hard in the kind of tired, busy, no fun type way. I found it so so hard on the soul. But that difficulty has sort of melted away and been replaced by a deep brutal love for my boy. Does that make sense?
But! Practically speaking, you're totally normal for worrying. If it's feeling like it's getting out of hand, do mention it to your midwife and ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health team, i found them amazing. Have you got family or friends you could talk to about your worries?

It’s like winning the lottery with some phased restrictions. 😁
I love it. I am permanently tired and look like a wasted panda. I feel lucky every single day to be in this position.
Pregnancy is a shock to the system. Be easy on yourself. Wishing you all the best.

Why have you chosen to get pregnant if you’re clearly so ambivalent about the whole thing, OP? Have you really thought this through properly? Is becoming a parent at such a young age really what you want from life?

Sorry if these questions sound harsh, but given that you have said that you’re “quite early pregnant”, it’s probably worth considering all your options if you are having serious second thoughts about such a permanently life changing decision.