My baby is 2 WO and I hate being a mum

[anonmum1921]

I'm not sure if I've posted in the correct place but I've just had my baby (13 days ago) and I absolutely hate being a mum.

I haven't felt any bond or love for him. I just see him as a job that I really don't want.

I feel like I've made such a huge mistake having a baby and there is nothing I or anyone can do to change it.

I've been told it will get easier, but the truth is I don't actually find it that hard. He is a good baby but I just don't want to look after him. I feel like I would feel better if I had a bond or felt the love towards him, but I don't. I just feel responsible for him and I just want someone else to take over for me.

I feel like such a terrible person and I'm just confused as I always wanted a baby. If I knew it would be like this I never would have had a child. I feel utterly hopeless and guilty for bringing him into this world to a mother who does not want him or love him.

Did anyone else feel this way? When will things get better? I feel so desperate and am grieving the loss of my old life and all of the things I never appreciated before.

Just to confirm, he is safe and healthy. I keep him fed, clean and safe. I would never hurt him or leave him when he needs something.

I'm not sure what I hope to gain from this post. Maybe just to hear that someone else felt this way and got better? Other than that I feel like there is no hope for me and my life will always be like this. Please help :(

Sometimes you get the rush of love instantly, I did with my first. Didn't with my second, didn't want to hold her after she was born, I looked after her but no bond. For me it came when she was a few weeks old and was quite ill, I knew that in a different era or a different part of the world I would probably lose her. The bond gradually increased. It gets much easier when they start smiling and interacting.

You must speak to your GP or health visitor. There's no normal way to feel and it's very, very early days. Is the baby's father around?

Sending you gentle hugs Op.

Yes, I felt like that also - it was like I was given someone else’s baby to look after. When I realised this was it, it hit me hard. I didn’t bond with my son until he was 16 weeks old. For some women it takes longer than that too, and that is ok.

Please phone your HV or Gp and talk to them about how you’re feeling. I had severe PNA and PND - it only really started getting better once I started getting that sorted.

Yes I felt like this for a long time, DD is 8 months now and I absolutely adore her, I get more free time and she entertains herself more. I felt a bond on and off with her before this age but it kind of came and went depending on how difficult she was being! When she was about ten weeks I took her round to my mums and told her to take her because I just didn't want to look after her anymore, of course she didn't and instead talked some sense into me. I don't think it is uncommon to feel like this and in hindsight I probably did have PND after a traumatic birth and premature baby, but it is a massive period of adjustment that I think a lot of people, myself included underestimate. A couple of my friends have confided in me that they don't really feel like they love their newborn as well, partly I think there's this massive expectation that you'll look at them and immediately feel a rush of love but that's somewhat unrealistic. I found having time to myself away from DD really helped, so went and saw friends or walked by myself. I hope that makes you feel a bit better, but you certainly aren't alone in feeling the way that you do.

Instant love for your baby is another falsehood peddled by film. For many people it’s true but for many people it’s not. What was the birth like?

Thank for your replies everyone. I wasn't expecting any responses at all so this is reassuring.

The father is around, he is very hands on and aware of my feelings. He is hoping it is down to hormones, however I have noticed the crying and emotions have subsided since the birth but the general feeling is the same. Regret.

I have reached out to my midwife and GP and am awaiting assessment from a perinatal mental health team. I have suffered depression in the past.

I just feel like I will never get past this. I feel so low and hopeless. I feel as though I don't want to live, but I can't leave my fiancé as I love him so much and I couldn't bare the thought of hurting him and leaving him with this baby alone.

I find myself thinking 'I cannot wait until my son is grown up' but at the same time that makes me feel worse because I'm wishing all of our lives away.

Everything is so new when you have a baby that it feels like it's going to be forever but things actually change very quickly. You're doing the right thing getting an assessment because it means you'll get the help you need.

This totally resonates. I can't remember when but it was probably nearer 8 months oldd til I felt thar overwhelming love.
Probably PND, which I rejected at the time. Or another word for it.
I guess I just don't feel like a "natural mother". People tell me I'm doing a great job but it's def not my vibe . We find nursery helps us keep our balance.

Op this is quite common, the shock of giving birth, followed by the realization that this how life will be is overwhelming.

Also your hormones are influencing these feelings too.
Firstly know that you will get a new form of your life back, this intense baby stage doesn't last long.
Secondly the bond does come, and the fiercest love, but it may be a while so be patient.
Do speak to your HV and your Gp though.

This is very common and it won't last forever. I didn't want to be a mum when my first was 2wo either. I googled adoption but I knew it wasn't a realistic option and I'd just have to keep going somehow. I really just wanted someone to take him away.

I can't tell you when it happened but I got support and fell in love with him and being a mum. He's 6 now and the most awesome little person I have long conversations with. And I had a second DC and found it much, much easier second time around.

Speak to your HV. Draw on anyone handy for help. Keep doing what you're doing. It will get better.

Normal. At that age it can feel like they are just taking all the time and giving nothing back. It changes when they start to smile and interact with you, so 2-3 months really.
But talk to your GP or health visitor if you need help in the meantime. Good luck!

No instant rush of love with DS - it came along gradually over the weeks. He was well looked after, I was protective of him but I don't think I properly loved him for weeks. Giving birth is such a shock (and a trauma in many instances), combine that with having to look after a helpless baby, no sleep and all the hormones and it is quite the combo.

Be kind to yourself. It does get better.

Oh sweetie, bless you. Ye si did feel like this. I'm ashamed to say I didn't seek help until making at attempt on my own life when ds was 18 months old.
When I spoke to a gp and started taking medication to help me, I felt the weight lift and the bond begin. I'll always regret not getting help sooner.
I'm glad to see you've already reached out, please follow it through. You are not alone.
Completely normal feelings especially at such a young age, you may just need a slight help to lift the fog

It’s ok to have these feelings. Motherhood is hard, Even with an easy baby it’s a huge adjustment and you are also dealing with your body resetting from pregnancy. Take whatever help is offered from the midwife and GP. Also, this is one of those fake it until you make it moments. You might not feel the bond and you might be overwhelmed, but your child doesn’t know any of that. He just knows the safety and warmth of your touch. He knows you will meet his every need. Even if you are feeling conflicted, you know you will still take care of the small life before you and that is all that matters right now.

For me the overwhelming negative thoughts didn't go, I started not sleeping. I got PND diagnosis and medication worked in days. I thought second time around all would be fine, my life had already changed after all. Nope, PND again. Keep talking and reaching for support.

Oh yep, I think from until DS was about 2 months old, I had regular moments of thinking ‘oh my god, what the actual fuck have we done to our lives? This was a massive mistake! Our lives were amazing before this, why have we fucked it up so badly, there’s no going back from this’.
But honestly it gets better. All of my friends who have kids have had the ‘oh shit, we made a big mistake’ moment and we’re all madly in love with our kids now. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it gets so much better xx

Oh god yes. It was the same as if i’d been given a particularly demanding iguana or something to care for, i felt responsibility to keep it warm, clean and fed, but other than that it was just a crumply thing. I’d rather have had a cute puppy or kitten.

For me the bonding started as she got that little bit more interactive about 8 weeks, little smiles and giggles, especially when it became clear she was responding to me and I could make her smile.

Hang in there.

Back in the dark ages I trained as a Nursery Nurse so when my own DD was born I was completely floored by the overwhelming feelings of "What the fuck have I done?". I didn't hate her but I didn't feel like I loved her either, I wouldn't have hurt her or wished harm on her but I would happily have walked away and left her in the care of her dad. Slowly those feelings changed, I don't remember when it suddenly dawned on me that I loved her but it did. For me, the early days were the hardest because you don't get much back from a small baby. I am glad you have spoken to your midwife, I hope they can help.

Wow, thank you all so much for sharing your experiences.

When I started feeling this way (pretty much straight after the birth), I never realised how common it was. It does help to know I'm not alone and although I feel as though I will always feel this way, it gives me a little bit of hope to hear that you all came out on the other side.

I really hope it doesn't last too long as I'm really struggling to get through each day.

I also feel so worried about going out and disrupting the 'routine' I feel like I've established. I'm very anxious when it gets to a certain time of night and when I think of going out even for a walk it fills me with panic.

I'm also super worried about everything to do with him, such as his temperature, whether he's in pain from gas, whether I'm putting his nappies on correctly so as not to hurt his belly button (stump has not come off yet). I'm worried about infection, I'm worried about his skin being dry or that I'm not washing him correctly. I think this is part of the problem, that I'm not coping with the constant worry and sense of responsibility. I just can't relax, even when he is napping and I should nap, I can't switch off and constantly feel sick.

Completely feel you OP. Sending a huge sympathetic hug I had huge regret when our baby was born, all I kept saying to DH was “what have we done!?” And I cried for weeks.

I didn’t get help for a whole year when I finally admitted I had PND. I only wish I’d got help sooner as it changed everything. Being able to openly admit how I was feeling made me realise there was no shame in it, and actually many people in RL around me had felt the same. I don’t feel guilty for it either because the love I now have for my child is immeasurable.

Someone once said to me that looking after a baby is like looking after a potato 😂 Once they get a bit older and you see their personality come through you will have something to fall in love with. Completely normal to feel like you do right now xxx

@anonmum1921 firstly, it does sound like you are a great mum!

When my first was born, I remember feeling incredibly shocked that I didnt love this much longer for baby. I felt like he wasnt mine for a long time. Like you, I cared for his every need and was very protective of him, but didnt feel it. The birth had been awful and I put it down to that. The love grew and he is amazing! I adore him and we have a great relationship now. I had another child a few years later and the bond was there from the start, as the birth was ok. Love them both the same.

Having experienced both scenarios, I wish that I would have just accepted that the love feelings would come eventually. The fear that they would never come was a big stressor for me and I spent so long twisting myself in knots, analysing my feelings towards him all the time.

The fact is: you are his mother. You look after him tenderly and attentively, as a good mother would. You have a protective instinct to look after him well which shows that deep down, that mother part of you is functioning responsibly and sometimes the emotions take a while to catch up with the reality. You are already doing the hard part. I promise you the feelings will come.

Obviously if things continue, see your GP, but this can be a normal initiation into motherhood and your baby is still so young.

@anonmum1921

Wow, thank you all so much for sharing your experiences.

When I started feeling this way (pretty much straight after the birth), I never realised how common it was. It does help to know I'm not alone and although I feel as though I will always feel this way, it gives me a little bit of hope to hear that you all came out on the other side.

I really hope it doesn't last too long as I'm really struggling to get through each day.

I also feel so worried about going out and disrupting the 'routine' I feel like I've established. I'm very anxious when it gets to a certain time of night and when I think of going out even for a walk it fills me with panic.

I'm also super worried about everything to do with him, such as his temperature, whether he's in pain from gas, whether I'm putting his nappies on correctly so as not to hurt his belly button (stump has not come off yet). I'm worried about infection, I'm worried about his skin being dry or that I'm not washing him correctly. I think this is part of the problem, that I'm not coping with the constant worry and sense of responsibility. I just can't relax, even when he is napping and I should nap, I can't switch off and constantly feel sick.

Oh OP - that’s what I was like with PNA, you should get help quickly as baby is under 1 - take each day as it comes, by the hour if need be.

It will get better

You have bonded with your baby but that is being masked by what sounds undoubtedly like Post Natal Anxiety and depression.

Being honest with those around you and taking the help, support or any medication offered is the solution. You will get better although as you probably know from experiencing depression before, it doesn't feel like it.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby, you're doing an amazing job.

I feel for you so much. Did you do ante-natal or meet any other women with babies due the same time. Other new mums were an absolute lifeline for me the first eight or ten weeks. If you don’t know any yet then ask your hv what there is in your area, here they had weighing and bf clinics where they encouraged mums to chat to each other, there were bf groups too and social groups for mums with pnd or at risk of it. I know stuff has been shut down for COVID but they might be reopening, or virtual or outdoors. Your hv should know.

Also, just so you know “being a mum” is an experience that changes week by week.
Being a mum to a two week old is nothing like being one to a two month old, six month old, two year old and on and on.
Being a mum to a seven year old is pretty good fun most of the time.

The baby bit is utterly all consuming but there’s so much more to being a mum than the small baby weeks.