My baby is 2 WO and I hate being a mum

[anonmum1921]

I'm not sure if I've posted in the correct place but I've just had my baby (13 days ago) and I absolutely hate being a mum.

I haven't felt any bond or love for him. I just see him as a job that I really don't want.

I feel like I've made such a huge mistake having a baby and there is nothing I or anyone can do to change it.

I've been told it will get easier, but the truth is I don't actually find it that hard. He is a good baby but I just don't want to look after him. I feel like I would feel better if I had a bond or felt the love towards him, but I don't. I just feel responsible for him and I just want someone else to take over for me.

I feel like such a terrible person and I'm just confused as I always wanted a baby. If I knew it would be like this I never would have had a child. I feel utterly hopeless and guilty for bringing him into this world to a mother who does not want him or love him.

Did anyone else feel this way? When will things get better? I feel so desperate and am grieving the loss of my old life and all of the things I never appreciated before.

Just to confirm, he is safe and healthy. I keep him fed, clean and safe. I would never hurt him or leave him when he needs something.

I'm not sure what I hope to gain from this post. Maybe just to hear that someone else felt this way and got better? Other than that I feel like there is no hope for me and my life will always be like this. Please help :(

I can relate to so much of what you’re saying. It’s so fucking hard. I wanted a baby, was all set up for it, I work with young kids. I thought I knew what I was in for! Turns out, I had no idea. It’s such a shock. I remember feeling very loving towards my baby but completely regretted having her, felt very anxious in the afternoons/evenings as it got dark. For me the feelings subsided within a month or so, and I count myself lucky with that. You can see here that lots of women have struggled with these feelings for much longer.

It does change. You’ll start to see more of your DS’s personality, he’ll interact more with you, give something back. You might have moments, hours, even days where it feels like it’s going well (they won’t last, but that’s okay - your standards will fall.) You won’t get your old life back but you will have a life again. I promise you, it gets better. Even if I could, even on our worst days, I wouldn’t go back to my life before my DD.

In the meantime, get help from anyone and everyone who offers. Talk with your partner every day. I found it really helpful to share a positive thing from our day together at the end of the day, it sounds silly but really helped me to remember what was going well. Speak to your friends with babies, they will be your best source of support. Keep posting on mumsnet. There is so much support on here. Wishing you luck and strength.

In the first 8 weeks of having ds1 if someone had said it's all a mistake we'll take him off you I would have handed him over with relief.
I don't know exactly how that changed, but from 2 months onwards you couldn't have dragged him off me.

@museumum

I feel for you so much. Did you do ante-natal or meet any other women with babies due the same time. Other new mums were an absolute lifeline for me the first eight or ten weeks. If you don’t know any yet then ask your hv what there is in your area, here they had weighing and bf clinics where they encouraged mums to chat to each other, there were bf groups too and social groups for mums with pnd or at risk of it. I know stuff has been shut down for COVID but they might be reopening, or virtual or outdoors. Your hv should know.

Unfortunately I didn't do any ante natal classes so I don't know any other mums.

I have a close friend who recently had a baby but they seem to be getting on so well I don't think they would understand or relate to what I'm feeling.

I feel very isolated and am dreading the next year.

I will keep posting on here and hopefully I will feel better soon. Although I really don't feel like it will ever happen!

You will feel better. In the meantime, keep talking, take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. You're having a very common normal reaction to the first few days of motherhood. Your hormones are all over the place and you're tired.

Make sure you are getting rest. I remember that horrible panicky anxious feeling at first, almost as if you're running on adrenaline It felt like I wanted to have a massive cry and bawl my eyes out but I felt almost numb.! . It's completely normal.
The important thing is to eat well, stay hydrated, and if dad or someone offers to take baby so you can have a little break then force yourself to do something for you; have a bath, give yourself some self care.

You're doing everything a loving mother would, just give your body and mind some time to catch up. This will pass

@anonmum1921 my anxiety was exactly as you describe. My baby is now three months old and it's slowly improved, and is now much much better. It took a while for me to feel comfortable around her and I was terrified of anything happening to her. To me, your anxiety suggests that you do love your baby, but you're still coming to terms with the fact that your life has massively changed.

Postpartum hormones are so intense and I've had many low days in the months since my baby was born. It is slowly getting easier.

Are you getting any sleep? I found lack of sleep really exacerbated my anxiety and low mood.

Keep posting as you will find so many women can relate to the way you're feeling.

So much this. The mixture of misery and anxiety.

I remember the day - the moment - I suddenly felt like my firstborn and I were the two of us and we were going to be ok together. He was 4 weeks and I was walking home from his hearing check with him in a carrier. Something changed and I felt like his mother. Like the best - however imperfect - person to be looking after him.

It wasn't all sunshine after that - I was pretty plagued by anxiety for some years, and I didn't really understand what the problem was. But from then it was us, not me plus terrifying baby-creature.

It sounds like you're doing all the caring, giving all the practical love and care that are needed. That really is enough. You're only two weeks in and the emotions are extreme. Your feelings will settle, suddenly or slowly. But in the meantime you're doing well.

It took me a couple of months before I started loving my DD. Felt nothing for her when she was born, didn’t care to want to be around her all the time ect. Definitely didnt experience a ‘rush of love’ that everyone barks on about.

Anyway, she’s 16mo now and I swear to god I love her more and more everyday even though everyday it feels impossible to love her more.

It took months though, I think once I’d recovered, gotten over the shock and found a solid routine for our new family.. then I began to enjoy her.

Go easy on yourself. You’ve gone through a major life change overnight, only 13 days ago. Keep caring for the baby, loving them will come later and it will be worth it.

OP, I feel for you so much. I remember staring into DS cot the night he was born with sickness and knots in my stomach thinking ‘what the bloody hell have I done’. I didn’t pick him up all night and got a bollocking from the midwife the next day as I hadn’t even contemplated feeding him. I despised the first few weeks for everything you have described, extreme anxiety for keeping this baby safe and alive but not a single iota of love. I said to my husband numerous times I wanted him adopted and gone. I called DMIL one day and said she needed to come over NOW as I was worried I might do something stupid. Cut a long story short, a diagnosis of PND, a lot of talking therapy and a course of antidepressants later, I feel hugely better and I adore my DS (who is now 10 months). I’m still not overwhelmed with love for being a mother and I’m looking forward to the baby stage being over, but I wouldn’t want to live without him now.

Please speak to your GP, there is good support out there. You don’t need to suffer through this in silence xx

I never really bonded with my eldest and being perfectly frank, it wasn't until I was on maternity with my second child when eldest as two years old that I actually enjoyed being a mum.

Get help, speak to the HV and GP. Talk about how you're feeling and doing. You will be surprised at how many people have felt similar to yourself at stages in their life.

I can totally relate, when I had my DS I hated every minute of it and felt like it was one of the worst times of my life. I was never diagnosed with PND but looking back I had it. I just went through the motions every day and couldn’t wait until bedtime just to get respite. I yearned for my old life back and found the caring of a newborn totally overwhelming. I didn’t leave the house for the first 6 weeks and the walls started closing in. DS is 16 now but I still remember those days BUT it does get better, you slowly start to get in more of a routine, they become more than just a baby and start developing their own personality and that for me is when the bond started to grow. Your hormones will be all over the place too and you will be shattered, I think feeling overwhelmed with it all is far more common than you think.

Hi OP, it's ok, it really is. I was exactly the same. I remember sobbing to my mum and asking her to love him while I can't.
There's a huge expectation to suddenly love your child and honestly, I think many many mums don't. You've just met them, and you're going through a massive physical and mental upheaval.
For me, the worst part was feeling like the world's worst person for not loving him. I felt so ashamed, but this only made me feel worse. It's a horrible vicious cycle. I felt like all other mums had this sort of secret instant mum connection to their babies that I'd missed out on.
Not true. A lot of them had lower expectations of the love, and so weren't so hard on themselves when it didn't come instantly. And lots we're just faking it til they made it.
For me, I had PND- whether that was always going to happen, or whether it's because I beat myself up so much about living him, I don't know. It's a chicken and egg situ!
But, alongside medication and therapy, I found that I really started bonding properly with my son when I started doing things that made ME happy - not what I thought I should be doing as a 'mum'. So I saw friends more, went out for meals with the baby in tow, basically just tried to be more myself with him.
He's two now and the love of my life.

@Chickenlickeninthepot

No instant rush of love with DS - it came along gradually over the weeks. He was well looked after, I was protective of him but I don't think I properly loved him for weeks. Giving birth is such a shock (and a trauma in many instances), combine that with having to look after a helpless baby, no sleep and all the hormones and it is quite the combo.

Be kind to yourself. It does get better.

Absolutely this. I recall my friend asking me if I felt a rush of love and I responded by saying I felt protective. My first thought when they handed DC to me after I gave birth was Something I’m expected to care for this tiny being fit the rest of my life?’. I’m on medication for PNA. But right now, I’m laying in bed snuggled up to a sleeping DC and I wouldn’t be anywhere else. They’re everything and I’m so happy. I dont know when the love came, but it did and it’s like nothing I’ve felt before and I haven’t got a single regret.

Keep talking about how you’re feeling. Lower your expectations and take each hour as it comes. Get as much help as you can and don’t panic - these feelings are common, no one is judging you and the likelihood is that it will all come in time. Xxx

Also, sometimes it looks as though other mums are getting on really well but I guarantee they have ups and downs every day. Most mums experience similar situations but some just don’t talk about it. Motherhood is hard, confusing and exhausting and it’s okay to say that out loud. We’ve been conditioned to behave a certain way, but believe me most other mothers have at some point yearned for their old lives!

Op without a shadow of a doubt this sounds like post natal anxiety. The paragraph where you talk about the worry, there's your love. If you didn't love him you wouldn't worry.

You sound like you are doing a great job, happy content baby.

I had crippling PNA. Dd is two now and I have another. It does get better.

Keep talking, make an appointment with gp and try not to think to far ahead.

Finally, I'm very routine led, always have been. It works now for toddler, she is far better with it. Babies are a different matter. Going for a walk at wrong time will not mess baby routine, it's your routine at that age. They just cooperate some days and other days don't. You just do what you feel like doing. I get that fear of changes though, I really do.

after the initial rush of giving birth (traumatic labour) that left me physically and mentally fucked - I remember him waking in the night in the maternity ward and screaming for milk and I was so exhausted and clueless, I had this overwhelming urge that it had all been a horrible mistake....

Sadly this feeling did not subside for quite some time. I really struggled and had horrible PND.

However I'm happy to say that it did eventually. I still find parenting hard but I do have way more good days than bad now (he's 6 yrs old)

What I'm trying to say is that you may just be in the adjustment period at the moment, your life has been literally turned upside down and it's a huge shock for a lot of people.

you may find these feelings subside, Or they may not, in which case you need the support of the father, wider family and your GP. Please don't suffer in silence like I did. No good can come of that

I felt exactly the same as you, OP. I felt relieved when other people held my DD, as it meant a break from the crushing sense of responsibility that hit me like a ten tonne truck the second I gave birth.

I realised very quickly that my imagination and dreams of being a mother were very much based around my own memories (so age 3 ish onwards)...all those fun days out, cuddles with my family etc...having a newborn was none of those things for me; it was restrictive, relentless and somewhat unrewarding. I remember people saying they loved the “baby cuddles”, and thinking, but they’re not cuddling you?!

I completely fell in love with my daughter at about 7/8 months when we began to really laugh together.

I now have a 6 and 7 year old, and I adore them. It’s hard in different ways (although I think mine are just pretty needy 😂), but I love them unconditionally and we laugh together lots.

Hang on in there, it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job. The sheer worry of simply looking after a baby can easily detract from the enjoyment that can come from it. I totally empathise.

I didn't feel that rush of emotion that others spoke of either, initially. I remember sobbing a few days in at the realisation I would never again (it seemed) be able to go anywhere or do anything without masses of preparation and sacrifice.
Thank God for a hands on and supportive husband who stepped in and held the fort so I could leave the house for a couple of hours at a time and pretend to be "normal."
It wasn't long before I knew I would lay down my life for my son and then subsequently my daughter.
They're grown up now and have been a joy and delight all the way through and I couldn't be more proud of them or of the close relationship we have.

for you. It WILL get better, I promise.

You are not alone, it took me a long time to bond with my dd. And I didn't start enjoying being a mum until she was around six months old. Hang in there things will get better for you when they start to give more back, eg smiling and laughing and they develop their personalities

It took me a while to bond. A very newborn baby can't give you much 'back', I found it much bonding easier when I started getting smiles. That was when parenting began getting enjoyable for me.

Each stage is so different, snd every month you'll have a different baby. A 2wk old is so different to a 12wk old, and a 6mo is wastly different to an 18mo. Many people don't love the baby phase but adore the toddler phase.

I'm sure you'll find your perinatal MH team helpful. Hang in there it's probably life's biggest adjustment, it's ok to need a bit of time to come to terms with being a parent. I certainly did.

Forgot to add, I tried to view bonding as like building any other relationship. It takes time and good memories.

I have felt like this. It is NOT your fault and you WILL get through this.
I didn’t love DS as soon as he was born. I cared about him because he was a helpless baby and for the first couple of weeks I was happy to have him, but I didn’t feel like I loved him. Then suddenly it all went downhill with his sleeping etc and I took absolutely no joy whatsoever in looking after him. That changed when he was about 12 weeks old, not because he changed but because I got better at responding to his needs and controlling my emotions. Still didn’t have a ‘rush’ of love though, I fell in love with him over time like I did with my husband.
I hate people dismissing posts like this (and like some of mine) with a simple ‘see your gp’, it’s great if you can but not everyone can take that step. But it is important to talk to someone so that you don’t feel so alone. Can be your partner, parent, best friend, or even just forums like this (although you will run into some absolute dickheads on here unfortunately).
Sending you loads of support 💐

@anonmum1921

How are you doing today?

As your baby develops their personality, you will probably find your bond growing. The early stages are tough as you get very little back but in a few weeks time you’ll get smiles, giggles and a look of absolute awe towards you. Then chatter and play and suddenly a little person you understand.

There is no ‘right’ time and as other people have said, the initial rush of love to always happen and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong but do keep talking to your gp and your partner.

[quote Bancha]@anonmum1921

How are you doing today?[/quote]
Still the same, very low. I feel like I don't know how to motivate myself to get through each day. I suppose there is no choice, you just have to get through it. I just hope I will start to feel better soon as every waking minute feels so unbearable :(

I just never thought I would feel this way and I just feel so disappointed by everything. The guilt is all consuming too.

Reading these replies have really helped though. Thank you to everyone who has responded so far.

There's a picture of me holding ds at 2 weeks old that people have commented on saying how lovely it is. I'm holding him and looking at him with a smile on my face. I hate that picture. Because I know that whilst I look the picture of the doting kmother I know that in was thinking "I don't know if I love you enough, I don't know if we should have had a baby because life has changed so massively, I don't know if I am good enough for you". I never meant him harm, I wanted to keep him safe and warm and for him to feel loved but I was so unsure of motherhood.

Then suddenly after another week or so, I realised I would die for this tiny being and I loved him beyond anything. Ds is 3 next month and he is the light of my life.

So for me, it was just a case of needing time (and although I might get shouted down for this- stopping breastfeeding, it just wasn't working and I kept getting mastitis, I truly believe I would have had pnd had I not stopped, that's just my situation). However, that won't be the case for everyone and you've done exactly the right thing in seeking help from your gp. Keep being honest with people and be kind to yourself - what other event is as life changing as being a first time mother?

Whilst youre waiting for support, I cannot stress the importance of getting out each day, even if its a walk to the end of your road. And if you feel yourself reaching boiling point (not that your op suggests it) put baby down and walk out of the room to take a few breaths, we all need that distance sometimes.