My baby is 2 WO and I hate being a mum

[anonmum1921]

I'm not sure if I've posted in the correct place but I've just had my baby (13 days ago) and I absolutely hate being a mum.

I haven't felt any bond or love for him. I just see him as a job that I really don't want.

I feel like I've made such a huge mistake having a baby and there is nothing I or anyone can do to change it.

I've been told it will get easier, but the truth is I don't actually find it that hard. He is a good baby but I just don't want to look after him. I feel like I would feel better if I had a bond or felt the love towards him, but I don't. I just feel responsible for him and I just want someone else to take over for me.

I feel like such a terrible person and I'm just confused as I always wanted a baby. If I knew it would be like this I never would have had a child. I feel utterly hopeless and guilty for bringing him into this world to a mother who does not want him or love him.

Did anyone else feel this way? When will things get better? I feel so desperate and am grieving the loss of my old life and all of the things I never appreciated before.

Just to confirm, he is safe and healthy. I keep him fed, clean and safe. I would never hurt him or leave him when he needs something.

I'm not sure what I hope to gain from this post. Maybe just to hear that someone else felt this way and got better? Other than that I feel like there is no hope for me and my life will always be like this. Please help :(

Sorry today is no better. I remember feeling that I just needed to get through each day and being so shocked as I wasn’t expecting to feel like that. It slowly subsided for me, and DD is my little sidekick now. She is full of cuddles and smiles and has the most amazing personality. Your DS will start to show you who he is and there is so much joy in that. It’s so shit and hard at first, it really is. Just keep getting through for now. Keep talking. Ask for help. You’re doing amazingly.

@Bancha

After about a month when you started bonding with your DD, was it gradual or did something just click in your mind and things were better?

@Anonmum1921

For me I did feel a lot of love for her from the beginning. I just really didn’t enjoy being a mum at the start. I was totally overwhelmed by feelings of loss (my old life, my independence, my sense of self). I also felt a lot of anxiety and despair. I like to know what’s coming next and to feel in control or in a rhythm at least, and with a newborn it’s just chaos! So it just wasn’t at all what I imagined. When I felt overwhelmed with anxiety I found it hard to find the love I felt for her at other times, so there were definitely times I felt like I didn’t have a bond even though it wasn’t like that all the time. I worried I didn’t love her enough, and I worried I’d made a mistake by having her. I think also it’s really common for your own unresolved feelings about your own childhood to come up when you have a child. I was basically a bit of a mess. The midwives didn’t discharge me until a month had gone by because they were worried about my mental health.

What changed for me was that slowly the balance started to tip away from the negative feelings and I started to enjoy it more. I felt like I knew what was going on, we settled into more of a routine (which changed all the time but I never cared what the routine was, just that there was one). I was much happier after around a month - six weeks. I started to get some of myself back around 3-4 months, I think. And I’d say having a baby became really enjoyable at around 8 months when they just get a lot more fun (and because her sleep improved a lot!) and by 9 months I was broody for a second! She’s 15m now and we’re hoping to try for another in a month or two.

Don’t forget it’s also lockdown which makes everything ten times harder, it’s a really rough time to be a new mum. How are you doing today?

I can really relate with what you say. I'm a very organised person and I like order and this is definitely not what I'm used to. I like to keep a clean tidy home, I like to be on top of chores etc and I can't do that at the moment which is causing me huge anxiety.

I feel like I've lost my freedom because I'm too scared to go out with a newborn. It's so unfamiliar and I feel like I can't prepare for it as i don't know how he will be or how I will deal with it while I'm out.

I feel very low being stuck in the house all day every day but I'm scared to go out. I feel like I'm in prison (physical and mental).

And on top of that I can't find that bond with him that would make it all worth it despite all of these things.

Today I've woken up feeling less despair than yesterday. I think I'm just beginning to accept this is the new reality and I will never have what I'm longing for back. I'm full of guilt that I don't love him enough and just generally dreading the day. Day 15 today.

I'm looking to the future when he's older and I can't imagine feeling any differently towards him, which is making me so sad and guilty because I don't want to live like that and I don't want him to have a mother like that either, he deserves so much more.

X

@Bancha

Hi Op, I think although how you're feeling is very common in new mums, it's important that you get professional help.

When is your appointment with the post natal mental health team? Can your partner bring that forward?

If not, an appointment with your gp?

I'd say you were suffering with depression, particularly in light of you having depression before. How was it treated last time? If you're open to taking medication then a course of anti depressants will help lift the black fog until your low mood and anxiety begins to lift.

Please don't feel guilty or blame yourself for this. Post Natal depression is an illness which can be treated and its very common. It is no reflection on how much you love your child or how good a parent you are.You are doing a fantastic job.
It's transient. I know it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel now, but there is. Seeking help and support will speed up your recovery.

Wishing you well

Same for me, exacerbated by a traumatic birth but it took a few months before I started to bond. I was a single mum with no family support too which didn't help. It will eventually come, but don't beat yourself up over it.

@Anonmum1921

I can really relate with what you say. I'm a very organised person and I like order and this is definitely not what I'm used to. I like to keep a clean tidy home, I like to be on top of chores etc and I can't do that at the moment which is causing me huge anxiety.

I feel like I've lost my freedom because I'm too scared to go out with a newborn. It's so unfamiliar and I feel like I can't prepare for it as i don't know how he will be or how I will deal with it while I'm out.

I feel very low being stuck in the house all day every day but I'm scared to go out. I feel like I'm in prison (physical and mental).

And on top of that I can't find that bond with him that would make it all worth it despite all of these things.

Today I've woken up feeling less despair than yesterday. I think I'm just beginning to accept this is the new reality and I will never have what I'm longing for back. I'm full of guilt that I don't love him enough and just generally dreading the day. Day 15 today.

I'm looking to the future when he's older and I can't imagine feeling any differently towards him, which is making me so sad and guilty because I don't want to live like that and I don't want him to have a mother like that either, he deserves so much more.

X

It is absolutely fantastic to hear you’re feeling less despair than yesterday! Seriously amazing news. This has put a huge smile on my face. It might not seem like a lot, but it’s a step in a good direction. You might feel worse again later, or tomorrow (or not!) but that is fine. You will feel a little less despair again. For me, it was incremental like that, until I was feeling okay (and even enjoying it!).

I had a friend who had felt just like I did when she had her baby and she checked in on me most days. Her messages were a lifeline for me. We weren’t even that close to begin with but we are in touch a lot now. And as I can never pay her back, I try to offer the same support for my new mum friends now. It’s so valuable having someone showing you that there is light! Do you have anyone you can talk to? I am happy to keep talking with you

Next, we need to get practical. I have found with having a baby that the next step feels (for me) totally overwhelming, until I do it, get used to it, and it becomes second nature. Leaving the house felt like a crazy achievement when DD was tiny. Now I whizz around and get out the house with her like it’s nothing. I remember thinking there was no way I would ever manage feeds, naps, and actual meals! But, like all the other phases, it turned out fine. Honestly. You can do this.

I would start by going for a walk around the block. Go with someone you trust if you can/want. Take everything you could possibly need with you (change of clothes, nappies, wipes, mat, nappy sacks, muslins, milk - if FF just take readymade formula for now with a sterilised bottle, it’ll make things so much easier in this horrible phase. If BF take a big scarf or muslin and make sure you pass a bench so you can sit and feed if you absolutely need to). But the point of this is just to get used to leaving the house with the child, and coming back home in one piece. So, if baby does a massive poo, just turn round and go home. If he needs a feed, just go home! Unless you’re feeling brave, of course. This stuff feels so hard right now but it’ll be second nature before you know it. I remember feeling like I was a failure just for finding this stuff hard and overwhelming, and that put me off doing it. It’s learning something new when you’re feeling really vulnerable already - which for the perfectionist control freak types (like me!) is a lot.

And, to show you that there is some light, I’ll tell you about my DD now. Yesterday afternoon we had to go out to the shop so we went and bought some bits we needed. She was happy sitting in the trolley and smiling and saying hello to people. We came home and she ‘helped’ me make dinner which she (sort of!) ate and we did music time before going up for her first bath (which she shat in ), followed quickly by her second bath which was poo-free, thankfully. She had snuggles, stories, and her song and was out like a light at 7.30pm. I went and had a bath (I cleaned it before putting her back in so it was fine!) and then watched some telly and ate dessert with DH as a nice treat. Woke up this morning and she was singing her favourite nursery rhyme in the cot (she only sings the first word and does some actions, I do all of the heavy lifting there to be honest). Got her ready for nursery, breakfast, out the door and waved goodbye as she toddled in happily to nursery. Got home, stuck a wash on and did some house jobs and then started work at 9am (and then ended up on MN again haha).

Having a baby is hard and the newborn/early phases feel like they go on forever, but it really, really doesn’t. Your life won’t ever go back to how it was but it does get better. I honestly thought I’d ruined my life, and in some ways I absolutely have but I am also so happy and so in love with my girl. I wouldn’t switch back for anything.

Bancha what a lovely post. I love your honesty and positivity and the fact you want to use your experience to help others. I'm glad you overcame your own difficulties as I'm sure Op will too with time and support.

@bancha that is a lovely post! I wish you were my friend when I'd had a newborn!
Just to add, OP, I think there's so much pressure to feel 'transformed' when you've had a baby- to instantly turn into an earth mother, who loves it and loves her baby, and wants to spend every second cooing at the baby and going to baby groups and singing nursery rhymes.
When I first had my baby I felt no such thing. It actually took me a good two years to truly feel like a mother- in fact, I still don't, I just feel like HIS mother. It definitely didn't happen overnight, I needed a long period to get used to the massive change, and to also drop the expectation on myself that having a baby would suddenly change my whole personality and interests.
It seems obvious now but OF COURSE I was never going to sit and stare at my baby, of course I was never really going to enjoy chatting to someone who didn't chat back, of course I wasn't going to enjoy baby groups and singing nursery rhymes, because I'm an adult human woman whose got a career and interesting life!
It just took me a while to match my new life as a mum with my old life as 'me'. This involved: lots of fun times with my friends, holidays and fun days out with my baby, boozy lunches as a family. It's all about finding out who you are as a mum, and knowing that you're the very best mum for your baby x

@SmileyClare

Hi Op, I think although how you're feeling is very common in new mums, it's important that you get professional help.

When is your appointment with the post natal mental health team? Can your partner bring that forward?

If not, an appointment with your gp?

I'd say you were suffering with depression, particularly in light of you having depression before. How was it treated last time? If you're open to taking medication then a course of anti depressants will help lift the black fog until your low mood and anxiety begins to lift.

Please don't feel guilty or blame yourself for this. Post Natal depression is an illness which can be treated and its very common. It is no reflection on how much you love your child or how good a parent you are.You are doing a fantastic job.
It's transient. I know it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel now, but there is. Seeking help and support will speed up your recovery.

Wishing you well

My appointment is today, it's just an assessment. I don't know if they will be able to do anything today but they may be able to tell me how they could potentially help me? I just feel unfixable.

My depression in the past was never dealt with. I had gone onto anti-depressants but I don't think they ever worked. I usually just plodded through the lows and eventually came out on the other side feeling a bit better. This time it feels very different because the root cause of the low feelings is something permanent.

I really hope to wake up one day and feel better

@Bancha

Thank you so much for your post. It really means a lot that you would take the time to try to help a total stranger. It has helped hugely to read everything that you have posted and it does give me hope.

I am overwhelmed by the kindness of everyone on MN that has replied to my post. I didn't realise how common the feelings I am experiencing are among new mums, and initially I felt so alone. Even if I still feel low, it helps to know I'm not alone.

Thank you

Like others here, first baby was a total shock, felt totally numbed after the labour and I felt like she was a stranger. Second labour was much better and I had an instant bond.
First one had terrible reflux after birth, my husband was frantic, I couldn't even be bothered to take her to the doctors... Once i stopped breastfeeding and she began sleeping better, around 3 weeks it got better.

You are caring for him and worrying about him. The love is there somewhere, when you are ready you will feel it. Not enough is talked about postnatal PTSD and birth trauma, you might be experiencing that. Definitely talk to someone.
Look after yourself.

My first breakdown came when he was 3 weeks old - I was crying in the shower thinking that I made a huge mistake,that I don’t want him and that I never should’ve agreed to have kids.
The second time was when he was around 6 weeks - he was just eating constantly, not sleeping well and I had the same thoughts - I wish I didn’t have him...
Now he’s almost 12 weeks and it’s better,it gets better but still I’m not “there” yet. I miss the small things the most,that sense of freedom to go and do whatever you want whenever you want.

Since I remember myself I always thought that if I could choose I would have a kid that’s like 1 year old already - eats normally , can walk and generally behaves more like a human. This egg newborn stage is not for me.
But I try to take one day at a time and I love that little muffin to death x

I hope your assessment went well Op. Sometimes just sharing how you're feeling and unburdening feels better but I hope they were helpful and advised you on some course of action?

It's important to remember that your feelings of despair, the future looking bleak and feeling like you can't get better are all just symptoms of depression. It's very difficult when you're in a hole (so to speak) to think you'll come out of it. You will. Anyway, keep talking on here, Mumsnet is brilliant for support and kindness for new mums.

@Anonmum1921

I’m glad you’ve been able to feel more hopeful. It means a lot to be able to help even a little bit. One day you, too, will have a toddler shitting in the bath! What a lot to look forward to!

There should be so much more support for new mums, especially at the moment. I’m around if you want to message me at all. Hope your appointment went well.

I'm many years down the line now..but remember it well.
My first I was in baby shock mode and quickly descended into horrific PND, Then 4 months later I was pregnant again!
I had absolutely no feelings for no 2 except a mild sense of despair.. went through the motions of caring for him, while struggling with a 13 month old at the same time.
Then one day when he was 4 months old I looked at him.. and the love just came there and then. No 3, I did feel instant love. No 4..,PND again.
BUT in the end it went away.

I hate that I can barely remember my eldest's first year of life... it's lost in a fog of depression. But the children were fine, and are now a bunch of young adults who grew up knowing they were loved :) (and no 2 is probably the one I feel closest too )

It will change and pass. Newborns are very unrewarding and it is perfectly ok not to feel in love with then. You just have to survive until it gets better, because it will!

Does everyone just suggest that I dig deep and find a way to plod through this and things will eventually (sooner or later) get better?

I feel utterly hopeless again today. Completely numb :(

Nope nope nope. There is so much help out there- you deserve it, and you deserve to start feeling happy. And you will!
The perinatal team should come up with a plan for you- at the very least, should refer you back to your GP and for therapy. Wait to hear what they say. If you don't meet their threshold (or moderate- severe depression) then you can usually self refer to your local IAPT service for therapy- they SHOULD fast track you as you are post partum.
Have you spoken to your family about how you're feeling? I know it's hard but there are loads of practical things they can do. They could take the baby so you can get some sleep (makes a huge difference). They could cook/ clean for you. They could cuddle you.
Basically, at this stage the baby just needs keeping alive- you are the priority at the moment.
In some ways though, take comfort from the fact that I'm pretty sure most people find the first few weeks crap. Why wouldn't they? Pain, no sleep, massive unheaval. I found it got a lot better at around 6/7 weeks when they start to sleep better. It sounds a long time off, but it will come I promise.
In the meantime, do what you can to improve your mood. Try and go for a walk on your own, or listen to music. What did you used to like doing before? I found it so difficult that I couldn't plan anything when I had a baby, so I made more medium term plans- like a holiday in six months time, something like that. It helps you get a grip on time and know that this stage won't last forever.
You're doing so well. It's shit. It will end, you will feel love, maybe not this week, not this month maybe not even for a while. But undoubtedly it will come x

I w not has time to read the replies but I just want you to know I felt the exact same way. I didn't want to be a mum, felt a huge sense of regret. Was on autopilot. Looking after him but not loving him. I even considered adoption but knew really that wasn't an option.
I didn't get that rush of love when he was born, I felt like something was wrong with me. It wa only from talking to other mums after the fact that I realised it was far more common than I thought. Two immediate members of my family had felt the same way. One of them had gone through years on painful miscarriages and had finally conceived on her third round of IVF.

I was diagnosed with PND, I started on medication and some counselling and it really helped.

The love did come eventually, but it was much much later, and that's ok. When we got a routine going, I had time for me again, and more importantly for me, I went back to work, things really improved.

With my second things were much easier. I didn't get the rush of love immediately but it was there within a day or two.

Be kind to yourself, get some help, organise your village.....you need them

I can remember at about 3 weeks, DP looking at me absolutely appalled because I’d asked him when he thought we’d start to love DD.

I felt protective and like I needed to do a good job of taking care of her, but also a bit like I was doing it until her real parents came along. I can’t pinpoint any one moment, it was just gradual over a period of days and weeks. I think that’s perfectly normal and we do women a really big disservice by insisting that everyone must feel a “rush of love”, love them as soon as they are born, as soon as you see them on an ultrasound screen or as soon as they get a positive pregnancy test.

I felt so similar, @JeanClaudeVanDammit. DS1 might as well have been an alien when he was put in my arms after the birth. It was clearly my job to look after him, as there was nobody else around to do it, but mostly I was just waiting for his real mother to show up, the one who loved him properly and recognised him instinctively, and I would put him in her arms and breathe a sigh of relief.

So many of us have been there.

Just to add my experience here. I felt very similar at times. History of depression so it scared the life out of me thinking I was going down the same path again. Linked in with my counsellor and GP and was able to keep on top of it that way.
Baby is 10months old now and I adore him but it was a "falling in love" rather love at first sight. I definitely had moments of "oh shit what have I done". I now see that as a sign of a good mother - you are scared how much your life has changed. In some ways it doesn't have to change much if you don't care about your baby, if you aren't bothered about doing your best for them but because you do care so much about your baby you know that life is different now. Its ok to mourn for how life was. Even now I wish I could press pause on him or put him back in my belly just so I can have one carefree day. I miss the days where I didn't love something so much it made me vulnerable.
I believe all parents feel like this at some point. Even Mary probably looked at Jesus thinking "what the heck have I gotten myself into".
And as if on que my Ds is awake from his way too short of a nap (which makes me want to cry in frustration) but is making funny faces (which makes me burst out laughing).

@Anonmum1921

How are you today?

I think up to a point yes you do have to dig deep, survive each day, and trust it will get better. I’m not sure there’s any alternative! You can’t put DS back... It’s so hard to believe that but I hope you can see that so many women have been where you’ve been, and not one of them is saying that it didn’t get better.

However, digging deep and surviving each day doesn’t mean doing it alone. Getting support from DP, family, friends, and healthcare professionals is so important. I hope your GP appointment went well? You could also ring and speak to your health visitor. They can come and do listening visits, which can be so helpful.

@Bancha

Really not good today.

Every day is getting harder, I feel like I will never get better, I feel like I have made the biggest mistake ever and I feel so hopeless.

I have zero bond with him, I can't even look at him or speak to him.

I have huge anxiety every single evening when I even start to think about sleep (his and mine). I am so miserable and wishing I would go to sleep and never wake up.

Every time I hear him make a noise I get a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, like I'm being reminded that this is actually real and not just a horrible dream I can wake up from.

I'm in hell and it's all my fault...