I hate being a mother

[namechanged9999]

It's taken me a while to admit this to myself but I completely hate being a parent. It feels like a job to me which I don't get paid for. My kid is 3 and I hate the whining, hate playing with them, hate the routine. I'm 30, getting divorced and I just want to travel, be myself, go out with friends, have more money to spend. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give my ex custody so the kid lives with them and I'm the non resident parent but then I know people will judge me, especially my relatives.

Please don't judge - I feel awful and selfish but it's my truth. I've never enjoyed it. It's always been a chore.

I just want to be alone.

Also no I'm far from depressed. Just selfish. Has anyone felt like this?

You may not be depressed but you sound like you have never bonded with your child. Would you feel able to talk to a health visitor or your GP about these feelings?

Does your ex want residency of your child? Are they bonded better?

If your ex wants residency it may not be a terrible idea

I find this unusual but if its your truth that's what it is. Maybe it's fairer to the children to let your ex hav them but in time you might regret it. The early years a tough.

Do you work? Do you get time to yourself. I often fantasise about living alone or a weekend away but then when I go away I miss them.

Divorce and toddlers are both stressful, are you sure you’re not struggling?

I'm sorry that you are not enjoying life with your child. Yes, if the dad wants to have his child live with him, then that would be best for the child. Fear of being judged means some parents don't do what's best for their child and then sometimes end up mistreating them. The little lad whose mother is about to be released from prison is one case in point.

Also it's telling that you call your toddler 'the kid'
Do they not make you happy when they hug you?

I don't think these feelings are unusual. You may not be depressed but you are going through a major life transition. Don't make any hasty decisions you may regret. Having a 50/50 split with ex will give you time alone. You will arrange holidays in the future without your DC when s/he is with your ex so you can still have your alone time without giving up custody. Try talking to a counselor, once the dust has settled and you're not a 'full time' parent, this may suit you better. No-one likes the first 3 years I'm sure but it gets a lot easier from now. Good luck xxx

I’m not saying it’s not the right thing btw. Just saying that you need to be very careful before making the decision to be the nrp. If it’s definitely the right thing for your child, do it regardless of judgement.

No judgement from me, OP.

Being a mother is wildly overrated, but society conspires to tell women it is the only route to fulfilment.

If living with your ex is best for the child, then judgy relatives can go fuck themselves.

I hope you manage to find happiness. Probably best not have any more children.

Do what is right for the child. If your partner wants custody, why not? You may feel different in time

I felt similar to you when my dd was that age....
We struggled with infertility, then ivf to have her.... birth was a nightmare. I had PND followed by good old fashion depression.

She was such a good baby but I struggled with not having my own free time, not being able do things at the drop of a hat.... the constant battle with a toddler!

She's now 5 and things are so much different.... she's funny, more independent, I have a hobby, I make sure I make time for friends etc etc and now I miss her when she's at school!!!

Things can and will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it now. So please don't make any permanent decisions right now. Toddlers are tough. Make sure you are carving out sometime for yourself xx

I definitely don't think these feelings are normal - would you honestly be happy to hand your child over and have no parental responsibility? What happens when you're bored of the going out, and what if you regret it in years to come? Aren't you worried your child will resent you? Have you considered speaking to someone about this?

I was better off with my dad when my parents split.

I’m not saying you’re an arsehole but my mother was/is so it would have been absolutely ridiculous to ship me off with her when everyone knew I’d be better off with my dad.

It’s better they live with which ever parent is going to give 110% of their attention to them and not be daydreaming about the freedoms they’ve lost. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do things, at all, it’s just about making sure everyone is ok here. You included

You don’t lose parental responsibility but becoming your non resident parent.

Hang in there. Make plans for a few years when your little one will be that bigger and you can travel and bond together. It may be a tough few years but focus on the future, even 6/7 year olds can be good partners in crime for lots of fun.

3 is a difficult age. They get so much better.

I agree that 3 is a really horrible age - I felt similarly with both my dc at this age. They’re now 18 and 9 and honestly the best thing I ever did was to have them, I love them more than anything. But I did have crippling pnd and general depression with my first and even my second a little when they were 0-3 (I think with the second things were better because I knew how quickly that stage passes). Use childcare, work etc to give yourself that alone time.

I think it’s deeply unfair for any poster to try and tell you what you’re feeling isn’t normal. It’s not often said by a Mum, sure, but that doesn’t make it wrong and you shouldn’t be vilified for being honest. Parenting isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. Your responsibility lies in making sure you do what is absolutely best for your child.

I think a lot of people have these feelings. Can you go for 50/50 - should give you balance and mean you start enjoying your child more?

I can’t comment on the divorce, but parenting is hard, boring and thankless for many. You’re not alone.

Maybe your dc living with your ex is a good idea tbh. Obviously, you'd have to pay child support, so bear that in mind re money. But if they are better bonded then it makes sense for your ex to have full custody. I wouldn't judge you for that as long as you paid child support.

At the very least op I'd go for 50/50. Do you work? What custody does Dad want? Some space might help you be able to focus on building a bond with your DC when you do have them but give you some space to be you too. Ultimately residency should be what's best for DC. You and ex need to agree what that is

Did you think you wanted a child?

I do see what you mean with it feeling like work sometimes. In the week I finish work, do tea and bedtime routine then back to work. Doesn’t feel like I’ve had a break. They are deffo easier as they get older, to a degree 😬

What’s the custody arrangement with your ex at the moment? If it’s more heavily falling to you then I would push for 50/50 and see how you feel from there.

Having every other weekend free to yourself and time in the week to yourself might make a massive difference OP.

If you choose to be the nrp though, don’t feel guilty or care what others think. Dads do it all the time and no-one bats an eyelid! As long as you’re involved and paying for your child then it’s not like you have walked away and abandoned them.