I hate being a mother

[namechanged9999]

It's taken me a while to admit this to myself but I completely hate being a parent. It feels like a job to me which I don't get paid for. My kid is 3 and I hate the whining, hate playing with them, hate the routine. I'm 30, getting divorced and I just want to travel, be myself, go out with friends, have more money to spend. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give my ex custody so the kid lives with them and I'm the non resident parent but then I know people will judge me, especially my relatives.

Please don't judge - I feel awful and selfish but it's my truth. I've never enjoyed it. It's always been a chore.

I just want to be alone.

Also no I'm far from depressed. Just selfish. Has anyone felt like this?

I'm sorry you feel this way, but mostly I feel sorry for your child. It's true, being a parent involves losing some of your freedoms. But what you gain is incomparable to a night on the town or a jolly to Spain. It is so, so much better.

It sounds like you need more balance in your life and the child's father needs to step up so you can feel more like yourself.

@namechanged9999

He doesn't help with her at all. On rare occasions he puts her to bed but I do 99% of the work. I also work full time. I've recently started going out twice a week and just leaving him to it because I need to be me. But I don't ever look forward to coming back home and the mess he leaves. We are living together through the divorce bc he wants 50/50 and won't let me move out without it. I have doubts bc he isn't used to caring for her and I do love her. I just don't parent and feel it's fun. It's tedious and it's torture and she always throws the most tantrums with me, not him. She's an angel for him.

She won’t be an angel for him when you have 50/50. Right now he’s the fun parent but 50/50 is perfect for making disney parents realise boundaries are needed. It’ll also allow you to have a bit of time for you and give you the opportunity to be a fun parent too. Just make sure you have access during weekends too so you can enjoy her too.

@CustardyCreams

My exSIL was like you. She had two planned pregnancies, she wanted a girl to dress up pretty. She got two boys. She ran very hot and cold with the boys, sometimes she would be great, but mostly she just wanted to go out drinking and live her pre-kids life. She would fly into furious rages, and was awful to be around, but the little one clung to her, desperate for affection . She had an excellent supply of baby sitters and a great childminder.

When the youngest was 3, she started an an affair, and when he turned 4 she walked out on the boys and my DB. My DB became resident parent, but now she does have 50:50 custody.

The boys were better off with my brother. Ex SIL wasn’t cut out for motherhood, she remains a selfish person through and through and never adjusted to family life. She just wanted to waft in and out, like she was an aristocrat in the 19th century and the children would be brought to her to pet from time to time. She hated to play. She was only interested in them in as far as they made her look good.

Yes I judge ex SIL. You bring kids into the world, you should parent them.

OP is nothing like your ex-sil. Read the full thread. Her OH doesn’t do any parenting right now and OP does everything and is overwhelmed.

Also I judge your DB for letting her have 50/50 despite being so ‘awful’ or...wait for it...maybe you don’t know the full story??

My Stepson's mum handed full custody to us when he was 3 years old and she saw him every other weekend. She admitted she wasn't maternal, wanted her career and life back and much preferred we have him full time. It worked for us, Stepson enjoyed seeing his mum and she would always make sure they had lots of fun and activities booked when they met.

When Stepson was 16 we moved to another part of the country and he eventually decided to go back to live with his mum full time (other factors included college, friends, hobbies etc too). I really miss him but message/speak at least 3 times a week.

@IWantAllTheDogsInTheWorld

My Stepson's mum handed full custody to us when he was 3 years old and she saw him every other weekend. She admitted she wasn't maternal, wanted her career and life back and much preferred we have him full time. It worked for us, Stepson enjoyed seeing his mum and she would always make sure they had lots of fun and activities booked when they met.

When Stepson was 16 we moved to another part of the country and he eventually decided to go back to live with his mum full time (other factors included college, friends, hobbies etc too). I really miss him but message/speak at least 3 times a week.

That sounds like a good balance, but would you say it worked because your OH had you to pick up stuff at home?

If he wants 50:50 and you want a break sometimes then surely that's the most sensible route forward.

They may be lots of reasons why he doesn't do much caring at present but on his own he would have to. Unless you have a genuine concern for her safety with him I just don't understand why you're not going for 50:50. Worrying about what people might think is not helpful for anyone involved.

Parenting a 3 yr old isn't always fun for everybody, but in a year or so it will be very different as kids change so quickly. You may find yourself looking forward to and really enjoying your time with her. Change is prompting a natural reassessment of your life, don't beat yourself up for it, but don't let it cloud your view of what would be best long term for your child and you.

I find it odd that the dad only does 1% of parenting but thinks he’s going to do 50% after the divorce. Why can’t he do 50% now? If he isn’t capable now then how will he suddenly be capable after you divorce?

Sounds like it's shit because you've had no support, a man child to clean up after, full time work and no reprieve. You might find that just EOW with her dad gives you the time you need. He sounds like a twat.

Little kids are really really hard work. About age 5 she'll get a lot easier and much more independent. Even age 4 is much easier than 3.

She tantrums with you because you're her safe person op, she trusts you, she gets her emotional support from you.

@Ariannah

I find it odd that the dad only does 1% of parenting but thinks he’s going to do 50% after the divorce. Why can’t he do 50% now? If he isn’t capable now then how will he suddenly be capable after you divorce?

I think he wants half the assets

If DH wants 50:50 he needs to start right now. If he does it may give you a bit more space to reflect and reconsider. Many of us have felt the way you do at some point. I know I did with 2 small DC and a DH who worked away a lot, and wanted to be able to relax in peace at home. I never got a break. It got a lot easier when they started school.

Try and sit down with DH and work out how you can effectively coparent. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

This is so sad for you daughter.
No parenting isn't for everyone but you must have known you would have to adjust your life for a few years.
You work full time so you hardly see her anyway.
You would leave her with a man who can't be bothered to parent her as it is.
I would judge any parent man or woman who is so selfish they can't adjust their own wants and needs in place of the vulnerable hound child they created.
Call social services and ask them for help as it sounds like the dad isn't keen on her either

If he wants 50/50 and that would suit you too, surely that's the perfect solution? You won't get judged for that (or at least you shouldn't) - lots of families have 50/50 now.

@Ariannah

I find it odd that the dad only does 1% of parenting but thinks he’s going to do 50% after the divorce. Why can’t he do 50% now? If he isn’t capable now then how will he suddenly be capable after you divorce?

Assets and child support. When she's with him he can do the minimum, make sure it's mainly school days but Mom sends her in uniform, Maccies for dinner, too much telly, bit of Disney Dadding. Leave the homework for Mom,always send home with washing and then once it's been agreed re assets and CM start reducing how much he has her

'The kid'. ☹️

@GrumpyHoonMain I think it worked for us because I already had two older children who were welcoming of SS and SS slotted straight into the new blended family dynamic plus my DH had already always taken on the nursery pick ups/drop offs, night waking, bedtime/bath time etc for his son before ex-wife decided she wanted to split up. My DH and SS were/are incredibly close and I think it's partly because of this. Once SS started to live with us full time I absorbed the caring role alongside caring for my own children, it felt like a natural thing to do and suited me and my lifestyle at the time.

Not every woman is bonded to their child, there are plenty of fathers who are just not interested in being dads. Some women are not interested in being mothers. Motherhood came as a shock to me for sure. My relationship with my adult son is great now but the early years were like wading through mud.
It concerns me that your H does so little with your child and is not very responsible.
I'd suggest try 50/50 first and see if the time off child caring gives you more happiness and go from there.
But it's really important not to take on any of his parenting when it's his turn, he must learn how to parent without you.

Also be prepared for the hatred later on, my exH was abandoned by his mother and has hated her with a passion all his life. He doesn't like women much as a result and has mental health problems from the abandonment.

@scotsllb

This is so sad for you daughter. No parenting isn't for everyone but you must have known you would have to adjust your life for a few years. You work full time so you hardly see her anyway. You would leave her with a man who can't be bothered to parent her as it is. I would judge any parent man or woman who is so selfish they can't adjust their own wants and needs in place of the vulnerable hound child they created. Call social services and ask them for help as it sounds like the dad isn't keen on her either

Parents will full-time jobs don't 'hardly see their kids'. Shaming mums for keeping a roof over their kids' heads is shitty.

Not shaming fo working full time at all. You have chosen to take that out of context. Absolutely nothing wrong with being a full time working parent that's obvious.
I'm saying the OP isn't looking after her child all day as she is working so has a big break from her.
I think its worth noting that a child isn't a child for long. Step back and think that this wee girl didn't ask to be born and ok you don't enjoy parenting but you owe her the care and attention until she is old enough to get some of your freedom back.
I have a 3 year old. It's hard and relentless I get it but he didn't choose to be here and he didn't chose to have a dad who isn't around.
Any selfish desires I have are simply put on hold as I made the choice to have him and I'll see it through. I adore him.
Imagine the feeling of being unwanted and not worth the sacrifice as you grew up ? How is that worth it

Your post is very frank!

There are times when all parents struggle to enjoy parenting, there are stages that are easier than others. It is possible that you will be much better with old children and teens. I think you need to give yourself the chance to be at least.

Stick with doing things you actually enjoy with your dd, so if that is walking, or cycling or making things. Do those things with her, you don't need to endure dolls if you can't stand it. Make time for her in ways that are fun for you as well. Go out once a week for a total break and find a babysitter you really trust. Make time for yourself and for fun. Everyone needs space to be themselves.

I wouldn't leave her with a man I didn't completely trust to care for her op. So you need a plan, some kind of plan there.

If you really feel you can't make this work, please contact SS for support and advice. Your little girl deserves to be really loved and cared for, and if that isn't you then maybe someone else? There is always that option.

Your getting a preview of the judgment on this thread op.

Working full time is crap because you get a tired, grumpy kid who has missed you. Not working is bad because you are doing the same tedious crap day in day out, like cleaning the bloody floor after every mealtime. But doing either with no help from you OH is awful. I really do think you will feel a lot better about being a parent when he moves out. No cleaning up after his parenting time for one thing. From single mums I know who’s OH’s did nothing the work is the same but it’s 20x easier to do it when there’s no one around to resent for not helping.

Can you afford to do 50/50? Is there anything stopping you from saying yes to it so that he fucks off out of your house?

I think you need to sort it all out with your Ex - your current situation I suspect is driving a lot of this and it needs to get sorted.

You seem conflicted about the 50/50 - is that custody or in terms of assets. Because from that I think you dont want to not have her.

I wonder if it is that you hate parenting her in the current situation you find yourself in - I think you need to start separating properly

I’m sad to read this OP, but if that’s how you feel it’s how you feel. The way you refer to “the kid” is very telling.

I also have a child of a similar age and it’s tough - so much tougher than I anticipated. Some days I am totally at the end of my tether. But I have never actually regretted having her.

One thing I have done from day 1 is put in place coping strategies, so for me that means:

• a regular slot at the weekend of a couple of hours of “me” time (DH gets this too) . We did this right from newborn days (I expressed).

• I work 4 days and have provisional childcare in place on my day off - I don’t always use this but it means I can have a break before I reach the point of being completely overwhelmed. often DD will go to nursery for a couple of hours while I exercise / do any housework or urgent chores in peace. then we spend time together. Total game changer. Appreciate I’m fortunate to be in this position.

• I’ve thrown myself into a sport I’m passionate about which gives me a focus beyond potty training and Play-doh, keeps me mentally and physically fit

If I didn’t have these things in place I can see that I would probably end up in a bad place (I have a history of anxiety) so I take a “prevention is better than cure” approach.

I Realise this might not be helpful to you, but I guess what I’m trying to say is could you restructure your life to make things more bearable or even enjoyable?

It feels like a job to me which I don't get paid for.

That’s exactly what it is.

If the OP was a man people's attitude's would be different.

It sounds like the OP has the shit end of the stick.Works full time and has to do all of the parenting as the DC father sounds like a lazy twat;I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't do any housework etc either.

I saw another thread on here where the OP said her DH who was also a 1% parent wanted 50/50 custody.I can't help but think this is a financial play;they pay no maintenance and get 50% of everything rather than a little more going to the ex if they are the resident parent.