I hate being a mother

[namechanged9999]

It's taken me a while to admit this to myself but I completely hate being a parent. It feels like a job to me which I don't get paid for. My kid is 3 and I hate the whining, hate playing with them, hate the routine. I'm 30, getting divorced and I just want to travel, be myself, go out with friends, have more money to spend. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give my ex custody so the kid lives with them and I'm the non resident parent but then I know people will judge me, especially my relatives.

Please don't judge - I feel awful and selfish but it's my truth. I've never enjoyed it. It's always been a chore.

I just want to be alone.

Also no I'm far from depressed. Just selfish. Has anyone felt like this?

Sometimes I wonder if I should just give my ex custody so the kid lives with them and I'm the non resident parent but then I know people will judge me, especially my relatives.

Assuming this is honestly how you feel and there's nothing else at play affecting your judgement, then I think that might be worth exoloring, or perhaps 50/50 residency?

Maybe that would give you a break enough to enjoy time alone and being a parent? What are your circunstances? Do you currently work and does your husband take on an acceptable amoint of the childcare anf housework? If you're responsible for everything you might be suffering from burnout and burnout can be very deceiving.

What @Owwlie said. Dad's can do this and nobody seems to care that much. Not sure why a mother can't do the same if it is what you want. What does the father have to say about it?

Is there anything you enjoy about having a child? Do you love them?
You don’t have to love every stage to be a mother, I hate tantrums the endless questions, but I enjoy other things, watching them learn and reach milestones. Anything?

If you’re getting divorced; can dad have your child primarily, then you have visits?

@namechanged9999

It's taken me a while to admit this to myself but I completely hate being a parent. It feels like a job to me which I don't get paid for. My kid is 3 and I hate the whining, hate playing with them, hate the routine. I'm 30, getting divorced and I just want to travel, be myself, go out with friends, have more money to spend. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give my ex custody so the kid lives with them and I'm the non resident parent but then I know people will judge me, especially my relatives.

Please don't judge - I feel awful and selfish but it's my truth. I've never enjoyed it. It's always been a chore.

I just want to be alone.

Also no I'm far from depressed. Just selfish. Has anyone felt like this?

I don't blame you. It seems a dreary slog. Childfree here and zero regrets.

Why wouldn't the father be judged for giving you full custody? It's his kid too, so if you feel this way, go for it. Motherhood is overrated.

Its about to get an awful lot easier in terms of their age and development milestones and hitting primary school. So you could hang on in there.

I would also consider all the options in between. Before you rush into being an EOW parent or similar. Could you have a 50/50 40/60 arrangement that gives you the mental space you need and the time to do your hobbies and see friends and recharge and be YOU. This might mean you enjoy the time with
Your son more. If then you still don't find the balance then consider something more like EOW.

I think you are brave to admit your truth. And i don't doubt it. But are there any aspects of parenting or your child you do enjoy and do you need to focus more on those?

Early years is a slog and not everyone is a 'natural' parents. And a relationship i presume has failed if you are divorcing. You perhaps feel the way you do about parenting because you haven't been in a relationship that fulfilled and sustained you and helped you cope better.

Just let things settle and see how you feel in six months. But no you don't have to be resident parent because you are the mother if this isn't best for you or your child.

I think its quite normal to reach a point where you desperately need to be YOU again. But it does come quite naturally as they grow older and hit primary. So be aware of 'forcing' it.

Honestly I hated my children until they were 6yo and 8yo. I spent years crying. Having young children in like getting a prison sentence.

My children are now 8yo and 10yo and I love them so much. They are mostly independent and fun to have around. We watch the same comedy television programmes, and all enjoy eating out.

I suggest you go for 50:50 custody so you get some free time but also can have a relationship with your DC.

Op what do you think is the best thing for your child? What decision would you make if you weren't afraid of other peoples' judgement?

Why are you getting divorced? If you were abused it’s often quite usual for the abuser to use your child against you or make you doubt your parenting skills. So I would wait until after the divorce before making any decisions you might regret later.

He doesn't help with her at all. On rare occasions he puts her to bed but I do 99% of the work. I also work full time. I've recently started going out twice a week and just leaving him to it because I need to be me. But I don't ever look forward to coming back home and the mess he leaves. We are living together through the divorce bc he wants 50/50 and won't let me move out without it. I have doubts bc he isn't used to caring for her and I do love her. I just don't parent and feel it's fun. It's tedious and it's torture and she always throws the most tantrums with me, not him. She's an angel for him.

Just give your child to someone that will love and protect her, she will be much happier and you won't regret later and she will not hate you for not wanting her.

My exSIL was like you. She had two planned pregnancies, she wanted a girl to dress up pretty. She got two boys. She ran very hot and cold with the boys, sometimes she would be great, but mostly she just wanted to go out drinking and live her pre-kids life. She would fly into furious rages, and was awful to be around, but the little one clung to her, desperate for affection . She had an excellent supply of baby sitters and a great childminder.

When the youngest was 3, she started an an affair, and when he turned 4 she walked out on the boys and my DB. My DB became resident parent, but now she does have 50:50 custody.

The boys were better off with my brother. Ex SIL wasn’t cut out for motherhood, she remains a selfish person through and through and never adjusted to family life. She just wanted to waft in and out, like she was an aristocrat in the 19th century and the children would be brought to her to pet from time to time. She hated to play. She was only interested in them in as far as they made her look good.

Yes I judge ex SIL. You bring kids into the world, you should parent them.

@CustardyCreams what an unpleasant thing to say to someone low. There's absolutely no evidence whatsoever that the OP is like your SIL.

Not everyone likes parenting young children. I hated it, it was SHIT, toddlers are very boring to a lot of people. Did I still love and care for my children? Yes absolutley.

I don’t understand your feelings because I’ve never felt that way, but I understand that motherhood isn’t for everyone. If your ex wants custody of you child and he’s a good father then maybe it’s better to give him custody?

OP it sound like this is also about the whole situation not just your DD.
You may feel very differently once he has moved out and you get space to yourself. Once your DD starts school and/or you get friends where she is happy to go to play for a few hours or can stay over at her dads, you may then enjoy the time with her more. The last year has been hideous as we all spent more time with our children than is normal... its a different world once they have friends over to play with without needing you or can go some where and you get time and head space. Even at age 3-4 mine would often spent hours at friends houses.

You could let your ex have full Custody. Surely your child's happiness is more important than what people think?

I think if you genuinely feel this way, let her/his dad take her/him for at least 50% of the time. Pretty awful for your child to spend all his/her time with a parent who clearly loathes parenting.

Mine is nearly 2 years old and I recognize your desire to have more freedom, I feel the same. The early years are tough though and I think many mums feel like this but nobody admits it because of fear of judgement.
How do you feel when you’re apart from your child for at least a few hours?
I love being out with friends and not having to do ‘mum stuff’ but I’m always happy to see my little one and I miss him even though when I am out I’m not thinking of him all the time. If you have shared custody you already get back a lot of your free time. Be careful to give your ex full custody, once given you might not undo it so easily and regret it.

I’m actually not surprised or shocked you feel as you do having done 99% of parenting during a relationship breakdown.
I know many many single mothers get along fine with motherhood often with no support at all but personally I was only able to truly say I enjoyed the early years because my dh did a fair share of the parenting. By the time our dc was 3 I’d say it was 60/40 me/him and I needed that.

I'd give him 50/50 if you trust him to not put her in danger. He'll learn how to parent.

She is worse for you because she's more secure. That doesn't stop it being shit but it's true.

No judgement as I know parenthood isn’t for everyone, but I feel sorry for ‘the kid’. You must have know becoming a mother would mean giving up a lot of your free time?

If that’s how you feel, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving your ex custody. Does he want it? Another option is try 50/50 as that will give you plenty of alone time especially if you do one week on one week off. That way you can do the things you mention when your child is with their dad.

50/50 is increasingly common and I know couples who do it that way. I would try that at least until (s)he goes to school when it could be more tricky.