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Parenting

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Original poster

Why is it seen as a must to leave your child?

91 replies

Sophie1029734 · 20/04/2021 08:04

Hi everyone, I'm a first time mum with a 14m old girl. I've only left her a handful of times such as 4 or 5 times with partner to go shopping, couple hours with mil and times she took LO for walks, with my grandparents to go shopping, get a shower to go eat etc

I've left LO but dont understand why family members push me to do it. It's as if I'm seen as some sort of controlling mum. I'm a stay at home mum but I get all the jobs done, life feels balanced.

I I havnt left her for a while, am I crazy? If I dont need the help, why do I have to be seperated from my child in order to be seen as not possessive? Mil sees baby a lot, I sleep at my grandparents as they are further away every 2 to 3 weeks. I see other family members regularly. I will only leave her if I need to, but I'm seen as a mad mother because I dont leave her when I dont need to? Such as filling the requests of mil to leave lo at weekends. I dont get it?
Am I mad

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GrumpyHoonMain · 20/04/2021 08:11

I think it’s pretty controlling that you only let your DP have her 4-5 times. Other family members don’t matter

IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 20/04/2021 08:15

I’ve only left my 20 month old with my MiL for a morning once so that me and husband could go to 12 week scan of child 2.
She has spent loads of time with just her dad though. (Tbf only really for extended periods after around a year as she was still bf pretty regularly until then)
Never been away from her overnight, no need. (Plus she’s a shit sleeper and no one would want her )

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 20/04/2021 08:18

what I mean is times I've actually left the house, if I went in to times I've left the room for a bit or a couple hours to shower, do something etc itd go in to hundreds. He doesnt actually want me to leave the house and leave them alone, he always likes me to be nearby so it isnt selfish

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GrumpyHoonMain · 20/04/2021 08:18

@IHateThinkingUpANewUsername

I’ve only left my 20 month old with my MiL for a morning once so that me and husband could go to 12 week scan of child 2. She has spent loads of time with just her dad though. (Tbf only really for extended periods after around a year as she was still bf pretty regularly until then) Never been away from her overnight, no need. (Plus she’s a shit sleeper and no one would want her

)

Same. DS is 16 mo and reverse cycles so almost all bf happens at night, so I wouldn’t be able to let him have sleep overs without me. But DH has had him so many times across the whole day even if it’s just to let me sleep or do other things.

BlusteryLake · 20/04/2021 08:19

Most importantly, do what's right for you and your child. The reason perhaps people suggest leaving her is that it's really helpful as the years go on if your child is OK with being with other carers for a while. It enables you to do things and helps with starting nursery/school

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/04/2021 08:20

@Sophie1029734

Pretty selfish from him though. How are you planning to do things once life opens up? Eg gym / shopping / meeting friends? Or would you have to take them with you?

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 20/04/2021 08:21

I not think it necessarily wrong that you enjoy being with your child, however I think it’s concerning that - 14 months in - your DO isn’t confident caring for his own child and wants you around. That needs work for their relationship, his self esteem and down the line, your sanity.

SmednotaSmoo · 20/04/2021 08:21

I’m a bit worried that the baby’s dad doesn’t want you to leave the house; however much you might not want to, you ought to be able to trust him to have a great time with your baby alone. And if you ever have to do it (for example, medical trip), to know that it’s fine and you don’t need to worry is a good thing.

But in terms of other relations, was never an offer for me so didn’t happen.

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 20/04/2021 08:22

*DP

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 20/04/2021 08:23

So nice to hear about mums who still breastfeed their child to sleep, I still fo and have no intention of stopping. Lo goes out like a light on the boob 😆

OP posts:

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 20/04/2021 08:28

If I need to go anywhere I just take LO with me, she loves been out so it's great for her and I love takeing her out anyway. Anywhere like the cinema, we just watch from an app, I workout from home. It just works for us

OP posts:

FTEngineerM · 20/04/2021 08:29

I don’t think it’s weird that you enjoy your child’s company; that’s really lovely you don’t feel the need to escape every once in a while.

But why does your DP “ He doesnt actually want me to leave the house and leave them alone, he always likes me to be nearby “
??

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/04/2021 08:30

@Sophie1029734

So nice to hear about mums who still breastfeed their child to sleep, I still fo and have no intention of stopping. Lo goes out like a light on the boob 😆

Lol magic boob.

kickergoes · 20/04/2021 08:31

It's utterly madness your partner has only had the child that many times, by all means don't leave her with anyone else for whatever reason you have, I personally valued any break I got, but to only have left her with a partner that many times signals a lot going on and inevitable trouble.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/04/2021 08:38

As a school Nursery teacher I met three year olds who had never been left and it took a long time for them to accept the mother leaving and, often, a long time for the mother to be able to do it. In these cases the mother had chosen to bring them to Nursery Class so we were working towards a shared goal but eventually the child will have to start school. I used to start slowly getting the mother to go and walk around the playground or corridor for ten minutes and then come back. It's knowing that the parent will come back that is the most important part, I can't stress this enough.

TulipSandwiches · 20/04/2021 08:39

I didn't leave mine anywhere for a long time either apart from with her own dad.

What do you mean he doesn't want you to go anywhere? You

DicklessWonder · 20/04/2021 08:43

@Sophie1029734

Taking a toddler to a smear test sounds like lots of fun.

Fwiw We had no family to leave DD with at that age, but she had been left for whole days/weekends with her dad on countless occasions. It’s concerning that your partner actively avoids it anf that you think it’s okay.

notacooldad · 20/04/2021 08:47

I think it's a good idea to get your child used to being left with a grandparent or other trusted person in case this becomes necessary in case of emergency. They need to learn that you will go away and, most importantly YOU WILL COME BACK.
I really agree with this.
I remember my husband was due to pick ds2 from reception and was extremely late due to a motorway pile up ( no mobile phone) and ran panicking and Ds just said its OK dad I knew you would come for me. Ds was used to being with his family members and socialising with others since being a baby without us but learned we would return.
I was shocked at seeing toddlers distraught at nursery who didn't want their parent to leave. They just

DicklessWonder · 20/04/2021 08:47

You’ve multiple posts about hour MIL and her expectations of being a grandparent, OP. Have you actually taken any of the advice in your other posts?

Seems you have a bigger OH problem than normal as well from this thread.

notacooldad · 20/04/2021 08:47

Posted too soon on my last thread and didn't finish my point!

megletthesecond · 20/04/2021 08:49

I think you have a DH problem if he isn't willing to let you get out and do things without taking your details with you.
Totally understandable to not let her stay overnight but you do need your own space.

minniemomo · 20/04/2021 08:51

I barely left mine due to circumstances, there's no right or wrong but it does make a rod for your back if you can't leave them in emergency

DDIJ · 20/04/2021 08:51

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AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 20/04/2021 08:52

My guess is that your family keep mentioning it as it's really not the way that the vast majority of us parent

Assuming you're in the UK I realise that most of your child's life will have been under restrictions but never to go out on your own or leave your baby with her father is very unusual imo

What are you planning to do when things get back to normal?

Nith · 20/04/2021 08:53

It's quite worrying that your partner doesn't want you to go out. Can he really not cope with a 14 month old baby? Time to learn, I'd say.

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