Why is it seen as a must to leave your child?

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone, I'm a first time mum with a 14m old girl. I've only left her a handful of times such as 4 or 5 times with partner to go shopping, couple hours with mil and times she took LO for walks, with my grandparents to go shopping, get a shower to go eat etc

I've left LO but dont understand why family members push me to do it. It's as if I'm seen as some sort of controlling mum. I'm a stay at home mum but I get all the jobs done, life feels balanced.

I I havnt left her for a while, am I crazy? If I dont need the help, why do I have to be seperated from my child in order to be seen as not possessive? Mil sees baby a lot, I sleep at my grandparents as they are further away every 2 to 3 weeks. I see other family members regularly. I will only leave her if I need to, but I'm seen as a mad mother because I dont leave her when I dont need to? Such as filling the requests of mil to leave lo at weekends. I dont get it?
Am I mad

I don’t think never leaving them does the child any good in the long run, as has been said up thread they need to learn that sometimes Mummy may not be there but someone else safe will be and Mummy will come back.

I’ve read the posts about your “partner” now. You have a really dysfunctional relationship with all of these people and are only 22?

Oops, meant to say "taking your DD with you."

The question is ... why can’t DH cope without you for a bit? What happens if and when you want to go back to work?

I find it bizarre how desperate some grandparents are to have grandchildren by themselves; my mil is great with my DC but just as happy with me there or not and my mum likes to spend time with both me and DC.
Having said that OP by 14 months I was quite happy to have a bit of a break and now with two DC I jump on any offers. It’s a personal choice though. My youngest is 14 months and I’m back at work now but apart from to go shopping there’s not really been much opportunity to go out and leave DS.
I did actually take him to a smear test too as I had no one to leave him with and just gave him a snack and faced him away; taking my 4 year old would be a bit more tricky!

He doesnt actually want me to leave the house and leave them alone, he always likes me to be nearby so it isnt selfish

It's very selfish of him!! DH wanted time alone with his child.

For me personally I wanted to maintain some of 'me' and always planned on going to to work full time so wanted DS to be used to other people. We also wanted adult, couple time together so got PIL involved in childcare quite early.

As far as I'm concerned, the more people my DD has in her life who love her and can care for her, the better. It's good for her social development and it makes me happy to know that she is bringing joy into other people's lives. It takes a village to raise a child!

I dont think its strange not to want to leave your DD with other family members but I do think its unusual that your DP has only been on his own with her for so few occasions.

It may be that your OH has confidence issues at being left with the baby. They can seem so frail and he may be concerned about hurting it.

leave him with the LO more often and let him build his confidence and let him enjoy some of the time with the baby that you enjoy.

It may also help baby understand that mum isn't always there and she can still be safe and loved with family. Try not to make her 100% dependent on you.

You don’t have to leave her with every Tom Dick and Harry but it sounds like you can’t even trust your Dh to look after her? I can’t work out if it’s you or him being so controlling about this...
PPs make a good point that your dd will have to get used to being left by you before she starts nursery or school.

I don't think you are crazy, or controlling, but you need to think about your child - what if you need to go to hospital and your DD has to stay with your husband for longer? What if you had an emergency and you'd need to leaver your DD with a close family member for a few hours? I think there's a chance she would become very upset. I think it would be the right thing to do for her to get her used to being with other adults.

There's also a bonding thing here. It's very healthy for children to develop positive relationships with with different trusted adults. My guess is, your family members love your DD. They would like to be given the opportunity to build a closer bond with her, and it would benefit her greatly in the long term. I know Covid is making things difficult but it's much easier to get to know a child and build an emotional bond when the parents are not constantly hovering around.

@kickergoes

It's utterly madness your partner has only had the child that many times, by all means don't leave her with anyone else for whatever reason you have, I personally valued any break I got, but to only have left her with a partner that many times signals a lot going on and inevitable trouble.

Absolutely. And I assume family members have noticed that your partner is selfish and incapable and/or unwilling to look after his own child, and that’s why they’re signalling concern.

How is your DD when you briefly leave her with other people? Has she had any experience of other children?

Like a pp, my concern would be the transition to school, or care in an emergency. Do you plan on having another child? What would you do with DD while you were giving birth? What would you do if you need to be admitted to hospital in an emergency?

I also think it's quite sad that your DP doesn't take her out alone. My DP has DS alone one day a week while I'm at work. It's Daddy and DS Day and they both love it. DP takes him to the park, the beach and is planning a trip to the zoo shortly. Is your DP an equal parent or does he "help so you can have a shower"?

@Sophie1029734

what I mean is times I've actually left the house, if I went in to times I've left the room for a bit or a couple hours to shower, do something etc itd go in to hundreds. He doesnt actually want me to leave the house and leave them alone, he always likes me to be nearby so it isnt selfish

He doesn't like you to leave the house so isn't selfish ???? What ??? Would you be 'allowed' to get your hair done ? Go for a coffee ? Go to the dentist alone ? It's just not suitable to take small children everywhere you go. You are a person, you're not just someone's wife and mummy.

He doesnt actually want me to leave the house and leave them alone, he always likes me to be nearby so it isnt selfish
I read this earlier and didn't comment. Reading it again gave me the same reaction. It gave me goosebumps. Sure I may be projecting but wtf!!!
Not healthy at all and rather alarming to be honest.
Your choice and your decision but is this all you want from your life? The longer it continues the harder it is to break the cycle.

He likes you to be nearby.

Why? You can’t run away from that can you..?

Not odd. I loved my time as a new mother and was aware it was fleeting and I genuinely enjoyed the slower pace.

I think this obsession with mums leaving there kids is wrong. It's personal preference. I'm happy to leave mine, my youngest especially doesn't like shopping or anything restricted so it make sense to not bring him. I think people assume if you don't leave them, That the parent isn't happy with the situation or that it's a mental health issue or that the kid will become clingy. If it works for you, just ignore them!

@MartianMellows

He likes you to be nearby.

Why? You can’t run away from that can you..?

She should have left in November.

OP, why the fuck are you still there? Is it because he would have child contact (and will leave your child with your MIL)?

@BlusteryLake

Most importantly, do what's right for you and your child. The reason perhaps people suggest leaving her is that it's really helpful as the years go on if your child is OK with being with other carers for a while. It enables you to do things and helps with starting nursery/school

This. It isn't all about you but about your child too. How many posts have you read on here saying they can't leave the child for 5 minutes without them screaming? Do you want that for your child?

I never had the option with my children, they are 8 and 9 and have only ever been away from me a handful of times and have only ever slept over at their grandparents twice and that was only recently. They’ve never had family around to take them out for a day and I feel so sad for them, I’ll had very little support over the years.
As your child gets older you’ll be thankful for having family members willing to look after them, not only do they get to build strong bonds with their family but you can have a break or get things done which is difficult when caring for a child.

If it works for you it works for you. I personally wouldn't have managed without breaks from DS and I am in the fortunate position of being married to a man who is an excellent father. He's just as capable as I am so when I'm away I don't need to worry about either of them, I know they're absolutely golden. DS has had a couple of nights away but only when necessary for work.

@Sophie1029734

what I mean is times I've actually left the house, if I went in to times I've left the room for a bit or a couple hours to shower, do something etc itd go in to hundreds. He doesnt actually want me to leave the house and leave them alone, he always likes me to be nearby so it isnt selfish

You can't leave the house? Bloody hell, run for the hills love.

I think all your issues with your MIL are actually caused by your actual real issue which is your OH. Plenty of us have to leave our babies - to work, to go to medical appointments, to help relatives or friends or just because it's nice to get some time by ourselves. The fact that you can't even leave your child with their dad because he doesn't want you to is a massive red flag.

Do what feels right to you. People go a bit bonkers and silly around babies 🙄