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Parenting

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Original poster

Why is it seen as a must to leave your child?

91 replies

Sophie1029734 · 20/04/2021 08:04

Hi everyone, I'm a first time mum with a 14m old girl. I've only left her a handful of times such as 4 or 5 times with partner to go shopping, couple hours with mil and times she took LO for walks, with my grandparents to go shopping, get a shower to go eat etc

I've left LO but dont understand why family members push me to do it. It's as if I'm seen as some sort of controlling mum. I'm a stay at home mum but I get all the jobs done, life feels balanced.

I I havnt left her for a while, am I crazy? If I dont need the help, why do I have to be seperated from my child in order to be seen as not possessive? Mil sees baby a lot, I sleep at my grandparents as they are further away every 2 to 3 weeks. I see other family members regularly. I will only leave her if I need to, but I'm seen as a mad mother because I dont leave her when I dont need to? Such as filling the requests of mil to leave lo at weekends. I dont get it?
Am I mad

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MrsTophamHat · 20/04/2021 09:58

I personally don't think it is fair on my children to always have me there. It changes the dynamic when they're spending time with other people, as any decisions are understandably deferred to me. If my child falls over, they would come to me. If my child is being silly and needs to be told off, I would do it etc. If I wasn't there, the person caring for them would do those things, and in my view it would strengthen their relationship.

I genuinely feel that one of the greatest gifts I have given my children is a range of adults in their lives whom they trust and love spending time with. Be that grandparents, their aunt, their nursery teacher.

I don't believe that my feelings are the most important factor when deciding what is best for my children.

FictionalCharacter · 20/04/2021 10:10

Your MIL should mind her own business, it's your baby not hers. And there's no way I would have left my baby with the in-laws for a weekend just because that's what they wanted.

Candyfloss99 · 20/04/2021 10:16

If I were you I would be very worried that the child's father doesn't want to look after her without you there.

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BertieBotts · 20/04/2021 10:21

I think it's just different expectations really. In some families it's the norm for the baby to be left with grandparents so that the parents get some time off and the grandparents get to spend time with them.

Other families don't have that expectation and the grandparents would be slightly horrified at the prospect of having their GC alone for extended periods!

I think you get a clash if you are from one type of family and your partner (and therefore MIL) is from a different type of family. Or if a lot of your friends are from the first type of family and then it turns out both your own parents and the in laws are the second type!

But there is no need to leave your child if you don't want to/aren't ready.

smithyca · 20/04/2021 10:24

Unfortunately I had no option with my children. My partners illness meant frequent hospital visits and stays so they spent a lot of time staying with family members, especially when we had to travel further afield for treatment. I don't think it's ever done them any harm and they have strong relationships with family members because of it. My niece on the other hand had never stayed anywhere away from my sister. This was never a problem until an emergency cropped up and I had to look after her. It was a complete nightmare and she was so distressed because she thought my sister had left her and wasn't coming back. I think it's easier all around if children are used to being away from parents, not every week but maybe once in a while. You never know what will happen down the line and it's one less thing to worry about if they are used to being away from you.

withpeaceandlove · 20/04/2021 11:01

I don't think it's odd at all. My DD is 13 months & breastfed and I've only left her with dp 4/5 times when I have an appointment. I just don't need to & I don't have any desire to right now. It is an issue if you want to leave her but your partner won't let you though

Stinkywizzleteets · 20/04/2021 11:04

Tantrums and talking back won’t have fully kicked in. Soon you’ll understand the need to get away and have a break.

KangarooSally · 20/04/2021 11:06

@smithyca

I wonder how much of it is nature / nurture. Similar to you I have a niece who is a nightmare. Attached like a leech to her mum, highly anxious, you never know what's going to set her off. Impossible to babysit unless you're happy to get your heart ripped out of you. She wasn't always like that but when she started to get a little bit unpleasant to spend time with, family members wanted to see her less, so her circle of trusted adults got smaller. On the other hand, my other niece nearly the same age is very easy going, relaxed around all family members and a delight to look after so she gets no shortage of people happy to take her out for an afternoon or just visit with my sister and play with her. She's got a wide range of adults she would trust to have her for a day or two if there was an emergency - her parents, two aunts and an uncle, my parents, her grandpa from BIL, my grandparents. Niece 1 however would probably go hysterical about something within an hour to an hour and a half being looked after by anyone other than her parents.

kickergoes · 20/04/2021 11:06

Sounds like a break from the DP is needed most of all.

Chelyanne · 20/04/2021 12:01

I don't like leaving them when they are young, once they get older and back chat I'm happy to wave them off sometimes lol.
I'm a sahm and dh is military so I don't have much time away from the kids other than school time, I like it this way. Others like to feel like an individual and have a bit of freedom, my in-laws are like that with our niece. Each to their own

JayDot500 · 20/04/2021 12:41

DS1 started being left with his Nana (my MIL) for a few hours while I worked when he was around 1.5. We saw her every week, but DS1 was always a clingy baby so it was harder than usual to leave him. I didn't really need to leave him anywhere anyway. No overnights until he was 4 (when I gave birth to DS2). DS1 is now a very confident 5 year old and tbh the past doesn't matter. He is actually more confident and sociable than many of his cousins who did spend a lot of time away from their parents, if that's of interest.

I also get a lot of pressure from my family, but honestly I don't care. It is a good idea to get them familiar with someone from outside of your home (as we are doing with DS2 and his Nana).

Mistressinthetulips · 20/04/2021 12:47

It's really important for dads to be able to be left alone with their dc without the "expert" hovering in the wings. You might have another dc, circumstances might lead to you needing to work or to have a spell in hospital. If you don't have two fully functioning parents it makes things unnecessarily hard.

OverTheRainbow88 · 20/04/2021 12:47

I think it’s a major concern that you causally mention your OH doesn’t like you going out without your child. That’s the only concern really;
Whether or not you leave your baby with other friends/family is your decision.

Embracelife · 20/04/2021 12:54

Because if you get sick or an accident
Then your dc will not be used to being cared for by others
What happens if you need an operation tomorrow?
Because you are limiting the dad by never leaving him with dc
Because you cannot guarantee to be always there so let dad at least care for dc alone so you go out and get them used to it

Embracelife · 20/04/2021 12:56

@Sophie1029734

what I mean is times I've actually left the house, if I went in to times I've left the room for a bit or a couple hours to shower, do something etc itd go in to hundreds. He doesnt actually want me to leave the house and leave them alone, he always likes me to be nearby so it isnt selfish

It s,selfish of him He needs to learn to care for the dc alone You need to make sure that happens

Mistressinthetulips · 20/04/2021 12:57

Of course he wants you close by as the horror of being alone with a crying little one is scary! But the only way to learn what to do is by doing.

emilyfrost · 20/04/2021 12:58

I think your only issue here is your DP.

Why doesn’t he want to be left alone with her? He needs to bond with her!

They need to form a relationship without you being around.

Why doesn’t he want to bond and spend time with his child?

dorris88 · 20/04/2021 15:41

Do you not have any friends?

WWYD2020 · 20/04/2021 15:51

Thread in January ‘why is my child so clingy’.
Thread in April ‘I haven’t left my child with anyone, ever’

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 20/04/2021 16:53

The conventional wisdom is that it’s good for children this age to have a little variety in who cares for them, as part of building adaptability and resilience, helping them to learn to adjust to changes in circumstances, maybe unexpectedly, by seeing that everything will be absolutely fine with that little bit of change from the standard routine.

WaterBottle123 · 20/04/2021 16:56

The problem is if you don't get used to leaving her you can't return to work. You're an unmarried mum dependant on a man to support you. Very risky for you and your child.

DoingItMyself · 20/04/2021 17:03

OP, it's a societal insanity. Your instinct says 'Stay with my baby', family say 'It's not your baby, it's our baby' [bollocks, in my opinion] and society says 'Everyone has to go to work. Leave your baby somewhere/anywhere.' Then there's the 'You mustn't sleep with your baby brigade,' and the 'Lock them in their rooms they'll soon learn to sleep alone - haha, I found mine sleeping on the floor outside my bedroom door' lot [ever been on Gransnet?] Western liberal society has lost feeling for the child. You are right. The rest of them are wrong.

Lelophants · 20/04/2021 17:05

You should do what makes you feel comfortable. I also rarely leave my child and feed him to sleep. Dh takes him at other times. It works for us. Also completely normal.

kickergoes · 20/04/2021 17:17

Western liberal society has lost feeling for the child. You are right. The rest of them are wrong.

Right.....except it takes 2 people to make a child and OP has clearly stated the other person is completely incapable, and unwilling, to the point he controls her whereabouts so he isn't left with the child. You should really read through the thread before dangerously labelling the OP as "right", her situation is far from it.

DelBocaVista · 20/04/2021 17:54

Western liberal society has lost feeling for the child. You are right. The rest of them are wrong

hahahahahah yeah okay

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