Making SD do too much ? ?

[Ithinkitsokay]

So..... SD age 12. Stays every weekend we have a toddler and baby too
2 bed so we are in room with baby and SD has a single bed and 2.5 y o toddler has a toddler bed (he sleeps all night)

Due to covid we haven’t been out much- when we do it’s a walk or park sometimes she doesn’t want to come but that’s fine
When at home if DP is working I have asked her to sit in the living area with dd while I either clean or prepare our meals do washing hang washing out etc
She just has her phone and is just in the room not having to play just watch him as can’t be unsupervised but I have a Velcro baby who is high needs.
Sometimes I will put a film on and she watches that while ds plays and I pop in and out the room every 10 mins make sure all ok/change his nappy or whatever

Often when DP not working he will take over for me with baby and toddler and take them out for a bit. In the double pushchair as they both nap at the same time
DP ex has been in touch to say not good enough her daughter is not a babysitter and that DP shouldn’t be taking little ones out he should leave them with me and take SD out but we do go out all of us as mentioned before a walk or picnic or park.
She has said no not good enough that SD needs a day at least just her and her dad.

Also SD doesn’t like sharing a room with a toddler. I said we could get her a sofa bed for the living area ? No this is not ok she needs a proper bed mattress for her spine development but there’s nowhere else to put another bed.
We can’t put as in with us as baby will wake him

Are we asking too much of SD and not treating her correctly ? I don’t know how we should respond about this

You’re using her to babysit your toddler all day whilst you do chores. I’m not at all surprised that her mum is not happy. You say that the toddler can’t be unsupervised, but what happens when she isn’t there? It sounds like her time at your house is ridiculously boring.

Tell her to mind her own business, at her own house (that's the polite version).

You're not expecting too much, you're not expecting DSD to do anymore than make sure he's not killing himself while you get a few jobs done.

DH has 3 children not one. Some alone time is nice, but surely she's up after the toddler is in bed and the odd day here & there, but no, she can't have Daddy all to herself every every weekend (is there a reason she's at yours every weekend? Does she want to be there or does mummy just want the weekends to herself? I don't blame her as she presumably has all the week nights, but I think it's odd not to want yours kids at weekends, ever).

You have 5 people & 2 bedrooms. If the ex wants to stop getting any money then yes, maybe you can move, but if you can't afford to (or just don't want to) then tough. It will not hurt DSD sleeping in the same room as your toddler and she can change in your room or the bathroom if she's bothered about that. Presumably she has her own room at her Mum's house?

Are you sure DSD isn't exaggerating the 'babysitting' to her mum? Has DSD said anything to you about sharing with your DS? What's her attitude like when you ask her to keep an eye on DS while you do jobs?

As things open up, maybe you can think
Of some places to go that are a bit more interesting to DSD, but the little ones will still enjoy? It's not easy.

Bet if she was a paid babysitter things would be different..
Dsd needs to pitch into family life.
That's the way a family works ime...

@User135792468

You’re using her to babysit your toddler all day whilst you do chores. I’m not at all surprised that her mum is not happy. You say that the toddler can’t be unsupervised, but what happens when she isn’t there? It sounds like her time at your house is ridiculously boring.

Yes it’s boring but this is due to covid ! We go to the park or a picnic or a walk etc there has not been much else to do Often she says she doesn’t want to go out ! It’s not all day it may be some time in the morning i ask her to sit in the same room with him while i have to do some jobs he plays nicely of someone there if not he cries so days when I’m alone with the 2 little ones it’s hard and then when SD is here there is even more to do and we are just trying to get everything done. She doesn’t have to play with him or feed or change him she sits to watch a film or go on phone and just to be in the same room while iam in and out to do washing and prepare food etc it’s prob 1.5-2 hours maximum

@User135792468

You’re using her to babysit your toddler all day whilst you do chores. I’m not at all surprised that her mum is not happy. You say that the toddler can’t be unsupervised, but what happens when she isn’t there? It sounds like her time at your house is ridiculously boring.

Yeah because everyone else's weekends have been an absolute riot this past year.

She's part of the family, not a visitor to be entertained. The adults work all week & at the weekend they have more work, & house hold jobs etc to do at the weekend. Like families that don't have SDC. Its family life.

In the evening (fri sat and sun) the babies are in bed by 730 dh offer to watch a movie or play a game -often this offer rejected
I take her sometimes to drive through for a treat to get some food if she wants

Not sure on the babysitting aspect but the bedroom situation needs sorted. What was your plan when you decide to have the children?

Os there anywhere that does sofa beds that are ok for development of the spine ? I think maybe if we got one that would help of she’s hates sharing a room. Ds sleeps all night but she wants her own space I thought a sofa bed would be soft comfortable but apparently it’s not good for growing spines

@UhtredRagnarson

Not sure on the babysitting aspect but the bedroom situation needs sorted. What was your plan when you decide to have the children?

We used to only have SD one weekend each month as DP ex had moved now she has moved back to this area and she said she wanted weekly contact this was when I was 28 w with baby 2 so we were expecting this

*weren’t expecting this

Growing up I was always helping out for siblings etc and I feel like it’s part of family life ? Part of being in a household and I haven’t meant to do anything wrong

What’s the plan for when the baby gets bigger? Would one option be that you and dh sleep in on a sofa bed in the living room at weekends? That way you can stay up later and she can have her own space? Presumably the baby will move into the second room with the toddler before too long?

Lots of question marks there!

We used to only have SD one weekend each month as DP ex had moved now she has moved back to this area and she said she wanted weekly contact this was when I was 28 w with baby 2 so we were expecting this

Ok so what was your plan for DSD on her one weekend a month?

You're including her in the family as a sibling (which she is), asking a 12 year old big sister to watch her brother while you wash up is not unreasonable.

And I hate this whole "spend time just with their dad" thing. How many kids get that, realistically? Even in families where the parents are together! I say this as a someone with a child with an ex-partner.

Treating her as a guest or making too much of a fuss will just make her feel like she doesn't belong there. When DD goes with her dad she just goes along with whatever he's doing for most of the day, then whatever he's planned for them to do and I think it's lovely to have some normality with the NRP.

So what you're saying is you didn't expect for your partners child to be in your life much? To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with keeping an eye on the toddler but it seems that DSD is an after thought. I'm not surprised her mum is upset.

Do you just have the two bedrooms?
If so then just asked SD where she wants to sleep? A sofa bed or a single bed with 1/2 sibling sharing room.
Sounds a bit like SD is bored and doesn't have own space so is moaning at home? IME 12 year olds want to play on phones, play on computer games, do sports/activities or just hang out with their mates.
If she feels stuck in with two babies, then she may be saying she's bored

@PostmanSpaff

So what you're saying is you didn't expect for your partners child to be in your life much? To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with keeping an eye on the toddler but it seems that DSD is an after thought. I'm not surprised her mum is upset.

No we did not at all her mum moved despite dp saying please don’t he offered to pay more for her rent to stay she said no she was permanently moving and we only get once a month this was when she was 7 years old Then suddenly she was coming back years later and saying ‘you wanted every weeks before now you have it ‘

She is not an after thought she is very much loved

We have discussed moving but at the moment it is not in our price range

I can kind of understand DSDs point. If she is having to share her bedroom with a toddler then it probably does feel a bit much having to spend some of her weekend babysitting that toddler too. It must feel a bit like she can’t get away from him.

There are 2 issues here.

1. boring, dad doesn't do anything with her etc. Well, life isn't always exciting, and well, Covid. But it would be good for her to feel that occasionally she came first, not the babies.

1. babysitting. Hmm, I'm torn on this, on the one hand, watch your sibling for a bit is fine, on the other hand, she is not a babysitter. I have 3 kids and my eldest really hated having to watch a younger one for a while, mainly because he didn't want the responsibility. I think I'd watch this and back off a bit

Of course she's bored because it's been lock down and there was nothing going on.

Now start to look to the future....what does she like to do? Maybe your dh can arrange an activity for her on sat morning? Football, gymnastics, tutoring, music school, dance class, art group? At 12 though lots of kids are stopping doing these things as they hit the teenage years...... I do wonder if every weekend at dad's is part of the root of the issue. Obviously splitting time between parents is great....does she really want to be away from main home every single weekend? If you are all in the same area would it be better to increase dads time during the week and decrease the weekend visits?

@UhtredRagnarson

I can kind of understand DSDs point. If she is having to share her bedroom with a toddler then it probably does feel a bit much having to spend some of her weekend babysitting that toddler too. It must feel a bit like she can’t get away from him.

I’m the daytime ds does not go to the bedroom he plays in the living area only. So for example if dp takes them both for a walk sd can go to the bedroom it is not full of toys he has just his little bed and clothes drawers she has her bed tv clothes drawers , bean bag for relaxing and this room is decorated in her colours not a toddler room except he has bedding which is bright and peppa/dinosaurs etc

1.5 - 2 hours a day watching a toddler for you is quite a lot. A few minutes there and there would be ok but 2 hours a day is a long time for a 12 year old.

Her not having her own private space really isn't on and her need for this will only increase the older she gets. Can she have your room and you get a sofa bed? Or split off a room somewhere?

If she's with you every weekend does she get to have a friend round? My 11 yo sees friends at the weekend now, does she get that at yours? Friends are important at that age.

@Mumdiva99

Of course she's bored because it's been lock down and there was nothing going on.

Now start to look to the future....what does she like to do? Maybe your dh can arrange an activity for her on sat morning? Football, gymnastics, tutoring, music school, dance class, art group? At 12 though lots of kids are stopping doing these things as they hit the teenage years...... I do wonder if every weekend at dad's is part of the root of the issue. Obviously splitting time between parents is great....does she really want to be away from main home every single weekend? If you are all in the same area would it be better to increase dads time during the week and decrease the weekend visits?

We didn’t get a say in days dp ex said weekends from fri after school and then we drop her to school mon morning. His ex is suffering a long term chronic pain condition (this is why she moved back to the area as she has friends and family here after her relationship broke down. She said she needs every weekend because she needs to rest and this is fine

I think this is why she is very concerned about a sofa bed and spine issues Because of her own pain she doesn’t want sd in pain

Really we need a 3 bed and for our little ones to be a bit older and less needy but 3 beds are a big jump in price