Making SD do too much ? ?

[Ithinkitsokay]

So..... SD age 12. Stays every weekend we have a toddler and baby too
2 bed so we are in room with baby and SD has a single bed and 2.5 y o toddler has a toddler bed (he sleeps all night)

Due to covid we haven’t been out much- when we do it’s a walk or park sometimes she doesn’t want to come but that’s fine
When at home if DP is working I have asked her to sit in the living area with dd while I either clean or prepare our meals do washing hang washing out etc
She just has her phone and is just in the room not having to play just watch him as can’t be unsupervised but I have a Velcro baby who is high needs.
Sometimes I will put a film on and she watches that while ds plays and I pop in and out the room every 10 mins make sure all ok/change his nappy or whatever

Often when DP not working he will take over for me with baby and toddler and take them out for a bit. In the double pushchair as they both nap at the same time
DP ex has been in touch to say not good enough her daughter is not a babysitter and that DP shouldn’t be taking little ones out he should leave them with me and take SD out but we do go out all of us as mentioned before a walk or picnic or park.
She has said no not good enough that SD needs a day at least just her and her dad.

Also SD doesn’t like sharing a room with a toddler. I said we could get her a sofa bed for the living area ? No this is not ok she needs a proper bed mattress for her spine development but there’s nowhere else to put another bed.
We can’t put as in with us as baby will wake him

Are we asking too much of SD and not treating her correctly ? I don’t know how we should respond about this

@GrumpyHoonMain

She comes to spend time with her dad, and if that isn’t happening then the contact isn’t working. I know it’s tough to hear but the contact time is for HER benefit so she can spend time with her nrp parent, not for YOUR benefit so you have a free babysitter who you can then ignore when it suits you.

Honestly, in your position, you should be able to look after the toddler and the baby yourself so your dsd can spend some time alone with her dad - even if it’s just a walk or a trip to Macdonalds. She needs that time and you chose to have your kids so close together so it’s unacceptable really that you can’t manage them alone for a little while at least

The contact time is for her mothers benefit.

Her Dad is Dad to three children. She has 3 evenings with him every weekend, when the babies are in bed, and daytime too, just not alone. That's life as part of a family.

The OP isn't ignoring her, don't be so horrible. Nor is the DSD baby sitting. She's just hanging out in the living room on her phone instead of the bedroom. Jesus Christ.

The kids doesn't want to go for a walk... like many over lockdown.

A small two bedroom place makes it much more difficult to do stuff. The OP was pregnant when the DS's mum decided to move back when her relationship broke down and decided they would be having DSD every weekend. Whilst they're happy to do it, they didn't chose this sweet up or have the second baby knowing this was going to happen.

🙄🙄🙄

@UhtredRagnarson

Your toddler & the baby will prefer to play under your feet in the main living area for - when the years yet, so the bedroom is essentially DD's apart from overnight - when the toddler is sound asleep!

But the toddler being asleep from 7:30 means dsd can’t be in her bedroom in the evenings. Can’t watch her tv, listen to music, chat with friends, practice a tiktok dance, and any of the many things pre teen/teen girls do in their rooms in the evenings. She’ll be restricted to the living room or kitchen.

. That's life in many homes. Not all children have their own bedrooms. I'm sure the OP would love a larger home, but like many people, she doesn't have a magic money tree! They both work, they're doing their best. It's not DSD's mothers place to demand her daughter has her own room in her Dads house.

Keeping an eye on siblings while in the same room isn’t babysitting if there’s an adult in the house and it’s not like it’s a mansion where the adult is in a different wing! Totally fine for a 12 yo to be part of family life like this.

I’d reply to the mum - thanks for letting us know sd isn’t completely happy, we’ll discuss it with her and make a plan going forward that works for the five of us.

I actually think it is unfair to get an almost teenager to share a room with a toddler.
Regardless of what the arrangements were before she was still going to be expected to stay with the toddler on the days you had her albeit for less time.

Your baby will also not be in your room forever either..
I wouldn't ask my DSS to watch his younger siblings it's not something I have ever done when he is here.

I think it sounds like Dad needs to be making more effort with her also, not all kids her age want to go out all the time but I would certainly phrase it as we are all going out. She will be fine once out.
There are more things to do now too with more things opening up now.

@TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN

We pay via a private arrangement, it has remained the same amount (well it goes up yearly) so pay the same whether we have her once a month as previously or 50/50 like now

That's life in many homes. Not all children have their own bedrooms. I'm sure the OP would love a larger home, but like many people, she doesn't have a magic money tree! They both work, they're doing their best. It's not DSD's mothers place to demand her daughter has her own room in her Dads house.

True enough. It’s the case in many homes. But when the child has another home to go to it means she’s less and less likely to come and see her dad and siblings as she gets older. If it was my child I’d be doing whatever I could to make her comfortable in my home.

My DD had a similar experience at around the same age, or a bit younger. She was always expected to "watch the baby" while they got housework done, or went outside for cigarettes. She hated it, not because it was too hands on etc, but because of the responsibility. She felt it was too much pressure for a kid and it made her so anxious. There were times where the baby would grizzle too, and she'd get blamed for it. She really started to feel resentful.

You say you're not using her as a babysitter but you also say it's so hard to get stuff done through the week, so there's a lot to do on the weekends and hence she watches the baby.... so you are using her for free babysitting!!
Honestly you need to stop it, it's not fair. Where's the father in all this? Why isn't he helping with the housework and child minding?

As far as the bedroom goes, I feel your pain- we're in a small place too. DD has one of those trifold screens up to make her own little space. It works well for the moment.

@KurtWilde

Contact time is for your DSD to see her dad, not to babysit a toddler. Then her dad takes his smaller children out and not her? I'm not surprised her mum is unhappy.

Then maybe DSD' mother shouldn't have decided to dictate contact time be over days he is sometimes working?

I have 2DSS's, 11 and 13, although they are in our house much less, only really the odd long weekend and half of the holidays (they live 3 hours away so DH goes every other weekend with the campervan now he can't stay at his mother's and I occasionally go with our 2 younger DC when it's allowed) I don't ask SS's to watch the kids for more then the time it takes to put the bins or maybe at a push the washing out, I normally just take the kids with me, when DC2 was a baby he basically lived in a sling when I needed to do any housework and my toddler came and 'helped'. I'd batch book supper during nap time or in the slow cooker while kids ate their breakfast It was far from easy but what would I do without the DSC's?
That being said you need a normal family dynamic so asking her to sit occasionally in the same room as toddler is totally fine just not for 2-4 hours a weekend in my opinion.
As for the rooms my 2yo is in the room that my DSS's use while here now, I was going to move him back in with us for their last visit but DH said we weren't doing that and it worked fine, room is set up so DS can't see where the DSS's bunk beds are so they can still use their phones with headphones if they like and we take their xbox into the livingroom in the evenings although they were out in their quads or off with Dad most evenings anyway.
You say you struggle to get things done during the week, unfortunately that's just life with 2 small DC. Does your DH help in the evening?

It depends on his work. He has to work weekends sometimes and evenings it just depends one week to the next.
If he’s here he helps or as me times previously will take the toddler and baby out

@GrumpyHoonMain

She comes to spend time with her dad, and if that isn’t happening then the contact isn’t working. I know it’s tough to hear but the contact time is for HER benefit so she can spend time with her nrp parent, not for YOUR benefit so you have a free babysitter who you can then ignore when it suits you.

Honestly, in your position, you should be able to look after the toddler and the baby yourself so your dsd can spend some time alone with her dad - even if it’s just a walk or a trip to Macdonalds. She needs that time and you chose to have your kids so close together so it’s unacceptable really that you can’t manage them alone for a little while at least

You know it's not a rule that SKs must have solo trips with their dad, don't you? He has three kids he barely sees, not just one, he does not NEED to take her to McDonalds alone every week. He just needs to generally find time for all of them.

At 12 she can decide where she spends her weekends so she may well decline your kind offer to enjoy “family time” with you.

It isn't contact time.
It isn't to see df..
She isn't being used..
She is a pre teen at her second home. She isn't a guest visiting a relative..
She is just living...

@Pyewackect

At 12 she can decide where she spends her weekends so she may well decline your kind offer to enjoy “family time” with you.

People always say this as if it's some kind of trump card. Yes, lots of children growing up in households with limited resources might choose to spend their time elsewhere if they had the option, which children with separated parents do more than others. But it does not automatically follow that what they are rebelling against is wrong, and the SM needs to bend over backwards and put themselves out more by doing things like giving up her own bedroom or only ever doing chores in the evening, to satisfy the child.

Contact time is for your DSD to see her dad, not to babysit a toddler. Then her dad takes his smaller children out and not her? I'm not surprised her mum is unhappy
Exactly. Your boyfriend needs to sort this, he chose to create all these kids but can’t provide adequate housing for them all, that’s unacceptable, it’s always a ‘risk’ that a non resident parent will suddenly have their kid full time, at any time, this child only has weekly contact with her father and he doesn’t have actual time with her, goes to work, leaves OP to provide for the child. How does this benefit the child? Get your boyfriend to solve these issues that he has chosen.

Ridiculous that the boyfriend can mysteriously muster the time to keep creating kids, but not to parent them? Why not?

OP why is it you posting on here and trying to work it all out, being stressed by it all, considering room changes, and being the one who has to reply to SD’s mum? What is your partner doing to help resolve the situation, particularly given that it is his biological child?

You sound like you’re doing your absolute best but it also sounds like it’s somehow all your responsibility and that seems really wrong.

She sounds really bored. My 12 year ds complains when we suggest going to the park, for walks etc but then loves it once he gets going. So he doesn’t get to choose not to go.

Could she arrange to meet a friend at the park? Life is so much easier when they have a friend with them!

It must be shit for her if her dad either spends his time ‘helping’ you or leaves her at home and takes the other kids out. Why can’t he take all 3 somewhere?

Is she seeing her friends at all at weekends? For the last few weeks all the DC I know have seen friends in parks almost every day. That's all they want to do if not on phones etc

@Anoisagusaris

She sounds really bored. My 12 year ds complains when we suggest going to the park, for walks etc but then loves it once he gets going. So he doesn’t get to choose not to go.

Could she arrange to meet a friend at the park? Life is so much easier when they have a friend with them!

It must be shit for her if her dad either spends his time ‘helping’ you or leaves her at home and takes the other kids out. Why can’t he take all 3 somewhere?

Often he offers and she doesn’t want to go with them Other times he takes them both for a walk as they’ll nap at the same time in the pushchair which gives me a break. He works long hours often weekends and evenings it depends week by week.

Her school was new in September and due to lockdown etc she hasn’t seen any friends and hasn’t really had a good chance to make any proper friends I don’t think.

Does she do any weekend clubs to break the boredom and maybe make new friends? A lot of stuff is now open again.. outdoor youth sports etc. Sounds a lonely weekend tbh for a 12 year old

No she said she doesn’t want to do anything as does quite a few after school clubs during the week

You should reduce the child maintenance payment if you're paying more than you have to, and that might mean that you can afford a 3 bed property. Her mother can't have it all ways. She can have the extra money, or her daughter can have her own room at your house, but she can't have both.

Also, plenty of siblings with age gaps share bedrooms. That's life. I wouldn't be bending over backwards to accommodate DSD's Mum, but then people on here will tell you to, because Step-parents always get a raw deal.

Don't turn your living room into a bedroom. You live in the house all week, every week. Your DSD is there not even half the week. It won't hurt her to share at all. Some people need to realise that life isn't always perfect, and it sounds like DSD's Mum is one of them. Tell her that she welcome to keep her at home all weekend in her own room if she's that bothered about it. You're doing the best you can with what you've got to work with.

Also, I bet DSD's Mum wouldn't have an issue with her DD looking after a toddler for a couple of hours at the weekend if it was the mother's toddler, and not yours. She just doesn't want you benefitting from her daughter looking after your toddler, aka, DSDs sibling. If you weren't a blended family, and the children were all full siblings, then nobody would bat an eyelid and it would be expected as a normal part of family life that the older child/children will look after the younger ones when needed. Why should it be any different because they're half siblings? All of the children are your DPs and that's good enough.

Give yourself a break op. DSDs Mum is being a twat. I wouldn't even engage with her about it tbh, other than to tell her that in your home, it's your rules. She can do what she likes with DSD in her home but can't start giving you orders about yours unless she's the ones paying the mortgage/rent.

I don't know quite why this has got my goat so much! I don't have stepchildren, so no axe to grind on that front. I just think that some people are twats, and the more you try to accommodate them, the more they expect you to. If you act like a doormat then people will walk all over you, and that's what I think the Mum is trying to do. She needs to butt out. Of course DSD isn't joyously happy about everything, all of the time - she is 12!! Have a look on here on any day of the week and you can read about the nightmare that is pre-teens. They're never happy, no matter what you do, and the more you give into them, the more you have to keep doing forevermore. Nip this in the bud op or you'll have a lifetime or giving into this woman's requests and accommodating DSDs every whim.

Nobody's life is perfect. The situation is what it is right now and as long as DSD is loved and cared for, then she's better off than a lot of children and her Mum needs to butt out. She can't dictate how you and your other children live your lives.