Making SD do too much ? ?

[Ithinkitsokay]

So..... SD age 12. Stays every weekend we have a toddler and baby too
2 bed so we are in room with baby and SD has a single bed and 2.5 y o toddler has a toddler bed (he sleeps all night)

Due to covid we haven’t been out much- when we do it’s a walk or park sometimes she doesn’t want to come but that’s fine
When at home if DP is working I have asked her to sit in the living area with dd while I either clean or prepare our meals do washing hang washing out etc
She just has her phone and is just in the room not having to play just watch him as can’t be unsupervised but I have a Velcro baby who is high needs.
Sometimes I will put a film on and she watches that while ds plays and I pop in and out the room every 10 mins make sure all ok/change his nappy or whatever

Often when DP not working he will take over for me with baby and toddler and take them out for a bit. In the double pushchair as they both nap at the same time
DP ex has been in touch to say not good enough her daughter is not a babysitter and that DP shouldn’t be taking little ones out he should leave them with me and take SD out but we do go out all of us as mentioned before a walk or picnic or park.
She has said no not good enough that SD needs a day at least just her and her dad.

Also SD doesn’t like sharing a room with a toddler. I said we could get her a sofa bed for the living area ? No this is not ok she needs a proper bed mattress for her spine development but there’s nowhere else to put another bed.
We can’t put as in with us as baby will wake him

Are we asking too much of SD and not treating her correctly ? I don’t know how we should respond about this

@Ithinkitsokay

No she said she doesn’t want to do anything as does quite a few after school clubs during the week

Fair enough. She's been given options. Where does she say she wants to sleep? As long as she can use the room when toddler asleep I don't get why she moaning really. But yes, pre teens are grumpy. It does feel a bit like every weekend is an easy option for her mum.

@Ithinkitsokay

Growing up I was always helping out for siblings etc and I feel like it’s part of family life ? Part of being in a household and I haven’t meant to do anything wrong

2 hours a day?

The spine comments are rubbish as long as not a cheap bed.

One on one time with her father is also not unreasonable.

We wouldn’t reduce the maintenance. Yes the days have changed and it’s now 50:50 contact but it’s just not something we would do. DP has always wanted to pay the right amount whether he saw her 1 day a year or every day of the year. That’s not something we would change. Reducing it just isn’t an option.

I think this weekend as he’s not working we will have a chance for discussion. I think also with SD and her mum too maybe so we can see what everyone wants and expects and try to make arrangements that work for her and hopefully make her happier but I’m not sure if she’s unhappy or if it’s her mum that’s more unhappy if makes sense. So I think beforehand we might chat to her then get everyone’s views and try to work this out

Hmm I'm very much on the side SDs mum to be honest. Watching a toddler for 30 mins is OK, up to 2 hours is not. He is not her responsibility, you and DH are.

Agreed on the bedroom situation too, doesn't matter if DS isn't in it during the day, she's hurtling into hormones and puberty. Can DS toddler bed not go in with you at weekends?

A sofa bed isn't ideal either as she will need to wake/sleep to your routine.

DH needs to step up more I think and you need to rethink your living arrangements. How long are you planning on having baby in with you, what is the plan when baby stops BF?

@CombatBarbie

Hmm I'm very much on the side SDs mum to be honest. Watching a toddler for 30 mins is OK, up to 2 hours is not. He is not her responsibility, you and DH are.

Agreed on the bedroom situation too, doesn't matter if DS isn't in it during the day, she's hurtling into hormones and puberty. Can DS toddler bed not go in with you at weekends?

A sofa bed isn't ideal either as she will need to wake/sleep to your routine.

DH needs to step up more I think and you need to rethink your living arrangements. How long are you planning on having baby in with you, what is the plan when baby stops BF?

I bf till age 2 and co sleep so quite a while. I can’t put the toddler bed in there is not much space plus baby sometimes does cry so it would then wake ds and having less sleep won’t help anything!!

We are going to have discussions this weekend and see what we can sort out

I think the length of time SD is asked to look after her toddler sibling is far too long. More importantly, SD has mentioned it to her DM so SHE feels it’s too long.

Can you get her involved in other family chores - making lunch etc, which are quicker and for her benefit?

It also sounds like her DH does need to make more time for her (although obviously not a day alone every weekend).

It sounds like you genuinely care about your DS and want to make her happy.

OK so my point is, there is no long term plan for 3 children in a 2 bed, as you say a toddler bed will not fit in your room.

I'm not usually one that says step children should have their own rooms etc however as she is with you 50/50 and given her age then she absolutely does need her own room and privacy.

The compromise may need to be with moving and reducing maintenance to facilitate this if rent difference is substantial, as I am thinking he is paying above the CM rate and has paid this even when he only had one weekend a month? Whilst that is admirable the parents need to come to a compromise for what's best for SD.

@CombatBarbie

OK so my point is, there is no long term plan for 3 children in a 2 bed, as you say a toddler bed will not fit in your room.

I'm not usually one that says step children should have their own rooms etc however as she is with you 50/50 and given her age then she absolutely does need her own room and privacy.

The compromise may need to be with moving and reducing maintenance to facilitate this if rent difference is substantial, as I am thinking he is paying above the CM rate and has paid this even when he only had one weekend a month? Whilst that is admirable the parents need to come to a compromise for what's best for SD.

I agree with this tbh. I guess it depends on the amount in question but if the amount above the requirement he is paying whilst actually having his DD 50/50 would be enough to afford rent on a larger house, then I actually think the "right" amount to pay is less. The best thing for everyone involved by a long way would be another bedroom. This will become more and more difficult to cope without as the baby becomes a toddler and the toddler becomes a child.

Agree with PP that the bedroom situation isn't sustainable for much longer. She's almost a teenager and needs her privacy.