Making SD do too much ? ?

[Ithinkitsokay]

So..... SD age 12. Stays every weekend we have a toddler and baby too
2 bed so we are in room with baby and SD has a single bed and 2.5 y o toddler has a toddler bed (he sleeps all night)

Due to covid we haven’t been out much- when we do it’s a walk or park sometimes she doesn’t want to come but that’s fine
When at home if DP is working I have asked her to sit in the living area with dd while I either clean or prepare our meals do washing hang washing out etc
She just has her phone and is just in the room not having to play just watch him as can’t be unsupervised but I have a Velcro baby who is high needs.
Sometimes I will put a film on and she watches that while ds plays and I pop in and out the room every 10 mins make sure all ok/change his nappy or whatever

Often when DP not working he will take over for me with baby and toddler and take them out for a bit. In the double pushchair as they both nap at the same time
DP ex has been in touch to say not good enough her daughter is not a babysitter and that DP shouldn’t be taking little ones out he should leave them with me and take SD out but we do go out all of us as mentioned before a walk or picnic or park.
She has said no not good enough that SD needs a day at least just her and her dad.

Also SD doesn’t like sharing a room with a toddler. I said we could get her a sofa bed for the living area ? No this is not ok she needs a proper bed mattress for her spine development but there’s nowhere else to put another bed.
We can’t put as in with us as baby will wake him

Are we asking too much of SD and not treating her correctly ? I don’t know how we should respond about this

I’m the daytime ds does not go to the bedroom he plays in the living area only. So for example if dp takes them both for a walk sd can go to the bedroom it is not full of toys he has just his little bed and clothes drawers she has her bed tv clothes drawers , bean bag for relaxing and this room is decorated in her colours not a toddler room except he has bedding which is bright and peppa/dinosaurs etc

That’s not going to stay that way though is it? Toddler will become more independent of you and want to play in his bedroom during the day. Baby will presumably be moving into that room too at some point. It’s not a sustainable situation.

And yes I do think 2 hours is too much babysitting. 10-15 minutes here and there is fine.

@rainbowandglitter

1.5 - 2 hours a day watching a toddler for you is quite a lot. A few minutes there and there would be ok but 2 hours a day is a long time for a 12 year old.

Her not having her own private space really isn't on and her need for this will only increase the older she gets. Can she have your room and you get a sofa bed? Or split off a room somewhere?

If she's with you every weekend does she get to have a friend round? My 11 yo sees friends at the weekend now, does she get that at yours? Friends are important at that age.

I can’t because I co sleep with baby and breastfeed and I don’t think a sofa would be safe

That's lovely that you are accommodating the ex P. But I wonder if the daughter doesn't like the arrangement. At 11 she doesn't need as much supervision so is there a way DH can talk about it with mum to see if this might be it and maybe there is another way around this.

She hasn’t had a friend round - is this allowed now ? I wasn’t sure (but we have a garden - is it slowed indoors and outdoors or only outdoors)

@Ithinkitsokay

She hasn’t had a friend round - is this allowed now ? I wasn’t sure (but we have a garden - is it slowed indoors and outdoors or only outdoors)

She can have friends in the garden.

What about the point I made about splitting one of the bedrooms with a divider? You really need to find her her own private space.

The rooms are not that big I’m not sure how it would work I’ll have a think and see if it possible but I think it would have to be some kind of curtain perhaps 🤔

The room is her space because ds isn’t in there all day and she does go in there a lot most afternoons and times not in the living area

Yanbu at all.

You are treating sd as a complete member of the family and including her to do what you learnt families do.

Ex is being unreasonable saying sd needs a full day with dad alone- how often do your 2 each get a day with dad alone? None I bet as this rarely happens in families which you are including sd in.
Maybe an hour here/ there (would she even want it?) but this is life. By bending over backwards to meet her needs it wouldn't do her or you any good. She's part of the family so she helps- tbh I'd have hoped she'd be interacting with little ones.

As for sofa bed somewhere I wouldn't bother. Again she's got siblings, she deals with it, not put on a pedal stall and given her wishes as it also teaches her that is she moans at mum, mum moans at you and you do what mum tells you- you are showing mums say goes in that.

I'd tell mum to F off as at your home it's your rules.

The room is her space because ds isn’t in there all day

But this will change in the not so distant future!

@PostmanSpaff

So what you're saying is you didn't expect for your partners child to be in your life much? To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with keeping an eye on the toddler but it seems that DSD is an after thought. I'm not surprised her mum is upset.

What exciting things have you done this past year with a 12 yo?

@firedog

Do you just have the two bedrooms? If so then just asked SD where she wants to sleep? A sofa bed or a single bed with 1/2 sibling sharing room. Sounds a bit like SD is bored and doesn't have own space so is moaning at home? IME 12 year olds want to play on phones, play on computer games, do sports/activities or just hang out with their mates. If she feels stuck in with two babies, then she may be saying she's bored

She can play on her phone She can play computer games

No 12 year olds have or should have been doing sports/activities/hanging out with mates this past year.

Ok, so she's bored. Like the rest of the bloody country FFS.

It doesn't sound like she's seeing much of her dad. Some weekends he's working and when he's home he takes the babies out to give you a break, or you go out as a family and she doesn't want to come so she's home alone. That'd be ok if she was there all week but from Fri - Mon does she get any time with just Dad? I do think that he needs to be making more effort.

Re the space, there isn't much you can do ATM. If you got her a sofa bed she'd have no private space at all so I don't think that's great. Can you and Dad talk to her about what would make the room better given that you can't sell DS

Sounds like normal family life to me. It sounds like you are stretched quite thin generally and the whole family is feeling the effects of it, but that's just the way it goes. The mum needs to mind her own business.

Yes she’s definitely bored but often doesn’t feel like coming to the park or picnic etc and it’s so limited what we can do really. So we make food and she shrugs shoulders and said ok maybe then when it’s time to go she doesn’t want to and it’s really hard.

I think she feels displaced? When I take her for a drive and if we get food sometimes she is a bit different but a big move at 7, back at 11 then her mum is not well and new school recently. New siblings she doesn’t know so well. She is a lovely girl but a lot of upheaval

I looked online for ideas maybe we just have to not have a living area to make another bedroom ?

I looked online for ideas maybe we just have to not have a living area to make another bedroom ?

I really wouldn't do this, a communal living space is more important than children sleeping separately.

To all of those saying it’s normal family life, be very careful you don’t cause resentment with your older children. You chose to have more children, so you should be the one looking after them and not expecting older children to parent for you. Lots of people manage to occupy their toddlers whilst still being able to put on a washing or cook dinner.

I’m just thinking if I could maybe use the kitchen as a living space it could work. The table is too huge in there and there’s an open pantry type area if I got a different table (a drop side one?) we could potentially fit a small sofa in there and change the little pantry room to a play corner for ds it’s very tiny but could work

I will check back in this thread tomorrow as I am going to bed now but Thankyou for the advice so far

She comes to spend time with her dad, and if that isn’t happening then the contact isn’t working. I know it’s tough to hear but the contact time is for HER benefit so she can spend time with her nrp parent, not for YOUR benefit so you have a free babysitter who you can then ignore when it suits you.

Honestly, in your position, you should be able to look after the toddler and the baby yourself so your dsd can spend some time alone with her dad - even if it’s just a walk or a trip to Macdonalds. She needs that time and you chose to have your kids so close together so it’s unacceptable really that you can’t manage them alone for a little while at least

I agree with the previous posters who have asked how long you're getting your SD to supervise her half sibling for? You've said you're popping in every ten minutes which makes it sound like quite a while. I get that you've got housework to do, but can you and your DH not do some of this on a weekday evening when your DSD isn't at your house so she isn't always expected to supervise your toddler for long periods of time?
It also sounds to me like she's going to your house and being made to supervise your toddler and not getting any meaningful time with her father. Offering to watch a film at half past seven at night doesn't sound like enough, but I understand that it's difficult when a parent has to work at contact time. I think she needs one on one time (even every other week) with her father so that her contact time is at least partly quality time, rather than just having to slot in and help out with childcare.

Contact time is for your DSD to see her dad, not to babysit a toddler. Then her dad takes his smaller children out and not her? I'm not surprised her mum is unhappy.

@Ithinkitsokay

The rooms are not that big I’m not sure how it would work I’ll have a think and see if it possible but I think it would have to be some kind of curtain perhaps 🤔

The room is her space because ds isn’t in there all day and she does go in there a lot most afternoons and times not in the living area

@Ithinkitsokay

There is nothing wrong with what you're doing. You're doing the best you can with what you have.
She took DSD away from her Dad, she's now decided to come back & unilaterally decided DSD will be at yours Fri-Mon every week.

Instant 12 year old!

She doesn't get to dictate where DSD sleeps at your house. Or how your DP parents her & arranges his time/other commitments.

DSD doesn't want to play a game/watch a film when he suggests it, he can hardly strong arm her into it. Some people seem to have conveniently forgotten the pesky little pandemic and how restricted most people's lives have been. She's hardly the only one not going out having a blast all weekend 🙄🙄

Some posters are like a dog with a bloody bone and just want to put the boot in, just ignore them.

Do stop buying into DSD's mothers nonsense. She cannot dictate what happens in your house.

The sleeping arrangements are fine. The bedrooms are fine. It's a recent thing that everyone expects to have their own rooms and still lots of children don't. Your toddler & the baby will prefer to play under your feet in the main living area for - when the years yet, so the bedroom is essentially DD's apart from overnight - when the toddler is sound asleep!

Do you pay via CMS or a private agreement? Had this changed now you've got DSD 50/50?

I was/am in a similar situation but I am the ex with the teenage daughter. My daughter had the bedroom and the toddler was in with the parents but I'm thankful they waited until moving before having another child.

I am unhappy with the amount of time my daughter spends looking after her two siblings. I feel the housework could be left until the evening, done during the week or when both parents are at home.

Luckily my ex's parents and his new partner's parents stepped in and insisted they stopped because she was too young to be babysitting the younger children for so long and every weekend and they thought the parents were being lazy. My ex's parents were concerned that eventually she wouldn't want to stay with them at all.

Now she's slightly older my daughter is saying she often doesn't have time to do her homework when she is at their house for the weekend. I'm sure they could manage without her - they just prefer to take advantage. She now doesn't stay every weekend.

@User135792468

To all of those saying it’s normal family life, be very careful you don’t cause resentment with your older children. You chose to have more children, so you should be the one looking after them and not expecting older children to parent for you. Lots of people manage to occupy their toddlers whilst still being able to put on a washing or cook dinner.

Seriously? All she's doing is hanging out in the living room playing on her phone!

I looked online for ideas maybe we just have to not have a living area to make another bedroom ?

Noooooooo

Your whole family needs a communal living area. Having three bedrooms instead will make things worse, not better!

Your toddler & the baby will prefer to play under your feet in the main living area for - when the years yet, so the bedroom is essentially DD's apart from overnight - when the toddler is sound asleep!

But the toddler being asleep from 7:30 means dsd can’t be in her bedroom in the evenings. Can’t watch her tv, listen to music, chat with friends, practice a tiktok dance, and any of the many things pre teen/teen girls do in their rooms in the evenings. She’ll be restricted to the living room or kitchen.