Husband shouting, furious with DD

[Lfinger]

Dd3 yrs refuses to let dh, her dad, put her to bed. As soon as she realises that he'll be doing her story she starts kicking off, running around the house to find me (while I'm trying to put her baby sister to bed). Then if dh manages to get her in her bedroom, she kicks and scratches him as though her life depends on it. I've told him to just walk out of the room and check on her every few mins until she calms down but he ends up shouting (properly shouting, screaming in her face, very scary) at which point I have to go in because I was shouted at like that when I was little and know how traumatic it can be. It happened on Thursday and its happened again tonight. I had to go into her room and he was shouting in her face and trying to get her Pyjamas on. It was horrid and I feel very upset about it. dd kept telling me that daddy scared her, that was very scary. I'm so gutted that she's so young and had that experience.

I insisted he leave the room and finish putting the baby to bed but he walked off. Left me with 3 year old and 18 month old to do bedtime when they both are used to having one of us lie with them to fall asleep. Been a grim evening.

Partly just needed to get it all out of my head but also want to hear what others have to say about it. Am I too sensitive because of childhood experience or is this unreasonable behaviour from an adult man to a small, very tired child.

No you are not being over sensitive this is awful OP. I mean I can understand him not wanting to be scratched etc but he has to remember that he is the adult. Can you wait until you are both calm and have a discussion about how to handle it? Does he realise he's in the wrong or is he justifying his behaviour?

Any wonder she’s scared at bedtime. How is he the rest of the time.
The behaviour is pretty grotesque & you have a duty to protect your child.
If he’s remorseful & sees how out of control he is there is hope to break the cycle.

Funny how she doesn’t want the shouty aggressive scary man to put her to bed isn’t it? Does your H not see any connection between the 2?

Not over sensitive but I do think you need your 3 year old to understand you can’t be in two places at once - and she’ll have to accept daddy as a placeholder in this circumstances. What do you do when your partner is out?

We’re in a similar circumstance (3yr old and 5 month bf baby) and 3yr old has a v strong preference for me.

What would happen if you pointed out to your DH that him shouting at DD is unlikely to make her want him to put her to bed?

I agree no wonder she is scared. Imagine being tucked up in bed by someone who shouts in your face? Your husband is abusing your daughter. You need to take steps to protect her.

what a fucking arsehole. Is that his strategy to calm her down? To make her be ok with him? What on earth is he hoping to achieve?

Why on earth would she want him if he screams and shouts at her? Poor little girl

You're not overreacting and you need to protect your daughter. His behaviour is not acceptable in fact its abusive.

Thanks for your replies.

To be honest, the rest of the time isn't great but never so bad as at bed time. Dd just will not let dh parent her but like you've said, is it any wonder? He really tries but he is totally clueless about children. She's a bright kid and he speaks to her in a bit of a dumbed down way, doesn't really do things she wants with her like imaginative play or play dough but wants all the nice bits of parenting like cuddles on the sofa watching cartoons and cosy bedtimes together.

I think his dad was very strict and he and his sisters fell into line. Dh isn't very strict but I think the ferocious shouting is drawn from his own experience of being parented.

While I put both children to bed and he was downstairs, we were messaging a bit and was trying to rationalise his shouting, saying she was kicking him in the face and that I've given her what she wants by going in. I've told him that she said she was scared, abd reminded him that shouting like that is totally ineffective, it never ends with our daughter falling asleep with him because she's terrified and on high alert. I also said to him that he needs to think whether he would speak like that if other people were here and if not then he must know its wrong. He hasn't replied and when I finally came down he said he was sad and was going to bed.

I'm glad he's sad. I just hope it's because he's realised how bad it is and it's not because he thinks I've done something wrong.

I'm very strict with my girls. We have loads of fun but I have very clear rules and expectations with them so they know exactly where they stand with me. But I will defend them against anyone who tries to bully and scare them into submission, even if its their other parent.

Could he not put the little one to bed, no he shouldn’t behave like that but your daughter shouldn’t either perhaps she is jealous of her sibling.

@Pixxie7

Could he not put the little one to bed, no he shouldn’t behave like that but your daughter shouldn’t either perhaps she is jealous of her sibling.

Yes, in fact that's what we've been doing for ages. I've put dd3 to bed and dh has put dd18 mths to bed. But I also want to put my baby to bed and dh wants to out 3 Yr old to bed because it's such a precious moment of the day. I don't think it's fair in the baby, either, that she never gets bedtime with mummy just because she has a big sister who refuses to let daddy do it.

I mean, there was a point where I was doing both bedtimes, one after the other and I was exhausted. I also work full time.

I had a parent who was like this. I could never understand why the other parent let them behave like this as didn't protect us.

Wow.

Bedtime needs a reset.

Talk to him about how he's going to do things differently at bedtime. Because clearly his approach of shouting at 3 year old isn't working.

Maybe he needs to stop doing all of bedtime until calm is restored. Then (if possible) you guys can sort of phase him back in?

So like say routine is bath, teeth, PJs, into bed, book, lights out.

He does bath and teeth, and hands over to you for the rest.

Then a few days in once she's calmed down and is reliably calm in her bedroom, he gets her changed into PJs, the hands over and leaves.

A few days later he stays whilst you read story, then leaves.

Then he might be able to take on the story, whilst you're there.

Then he does story alone and says goodnight

Might take a while. But would hopefully reset things??

@Lfinger

Dd3 yrs refuses to let dh, her dad, put her to bed. As soon as she realises that he'll be doing her story she starts kicking off, running around the house to find me (while I'm trying to put her baby sister to bed). Then if dh manages to get her in her bedroom, she kicks and scratches him as though her life depends on it. I've told him to just walk out of the room and check on her every few mins until she calms down but he ends up shouting (properly shouting, screaming in her face, very scary) at which point I have to go in because I was shouted at like that when I was little and know how traumatic it can be. It happened on Thursday and its happened again tonight. I had to go into her room and he was shouting in her face and trying to get her Pyjamas on. It was horrid and I feel very upset about it. dd kept telling me that daddy scared her, that was very scary. I'm so gutted that she's so young and had that experience.

I insisted he leave the room and finish putting the baby to bed but he walked off. Left me with 3 year old and 18 month old to do bedtime when they both are used to having one of us lie with them to fall asleep. Been a grim evening.

Partly just needed to get it all out of my head but also want to hear what others have to say about it. Am I too sensitive because of childhood experience or is this unreasonable behaviour from an adult man to a small, very tired child.

Poor kid. Am not surprised she hates her dad putting her to bed.

My father was like that..I hated being left alone with him..am not exaggerating when I say I used to feel real fear on evenings when my mum went out..I was v.clingy with her.

Don 't put up with this. He is causing potential trauma issues for your little one

Buy him a copy of How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7. It's brilliant. Then make sure he reads it.

I'm not sure I'd let him put the kids to bed until he has. It would seriously erode my love and respect for someone if I heard them screaming at a child like that. I would rather do bedtime myself and be exhausted!

Your babies are so little and there are a lot of years ahead, it's not all going to be cuddles and rainbows. If he can't cope with a three year old, how is he going to deal when she's a teenager, for goodness sake! It's something that needs to be sorted now, or fast forward a few years and he'll have a daughter that doesn't want to be in the same room as him.

My dad had a very short temper and shouted/hit me and my brothers. I can still remember how his face would go bright red with anger, his eyes almost popping out of his head. Not something I would wish on anyone, not least a young child that just wants her mum.

I'm 37 and still have nightmares about my dad, I woke up shouting at him just last night! (though he was probably a few steps further along than your DH, as he was violent and drank).

@BunnyRuddington

I had a parent who was like this. I could never understand why the other parent let them behave like this as didn't protect us.

Sadly they probably minimised it like my mother did. He was abusive to her as well as us. horrible stuff. But she still minimised it....made me v.resentful of her.

This is just awful. It's better to have the 18month old put to bed by dad to save your 3 year old from this trauma. But it's only a matter of time until he starts on the younger one. I hope you don't allow him to do it again.

Maybe start doing the baby first then do the toddler together. Do that for a while until she feels safe with him, she's only going to get to that if she has positive experiences with him. But really he needs to find a coping mechanisms for his anger and you need to come up together with ways to tackle the things that are causing the anger. Won't put pjs on for dad for example, kids won't do something if they feel forced and trying and trying won't change anything. She has to feel like it's her choice. With my toddler, if she won't get dressed I say ok I'm going to wear it then and she responds with no it's mine! And puts it on, it's a strategy we came up with that works. You need to find those.
And - So what if she goes to bed with none on? Not end of the world. You need to work through each of these flash points and find solutions but don't leave the child alone with him, I beg, until things are better. HE has to want to do the work required to become a better father and control his anger. Give him a clear ultimatum. if he won't, write down every incident and leave him, and go for supervised custody for him.

Atrocious behaviour from you DH and no he shouldn't be doing it under any circumstances.

In the other hand what is happening to you DD when she is kicking and scratching? Is she being disciplined for it? That is not acceptable behaviour at all and what would happen if she started doing it to her younger sister?

Well I'm baffled as to why this child doesn't want the angry shouty man putting her to bed...

This is terrible. The poor child.

That's awful Melodie. It was actually my Mother. DF told me years later that he didn't leave as he thought he wouldn't get custody, it was a long time ago, and he didn't want to leave me with her.

You know you used a good analogy asking him if he would do that if people were in the house ?
Well how does he feel that his daughter will in all likelyhood tell someone that her dad shouts and is scary at bedtime ?
Children act out life as they know it in role play or chatting.
I expect he would be mortified. Well he better start cringing. I used to work in a nursery and it was interesting what we saw as children played. Obviously anything that we deemed worrying got reported.
Do not let your daughter continue to be subjected to his abusive behaviour. Loosing it once is understandable but not continually and this is what it is by your updates.

Firstly he needs to understand that no matter how hurt & rejected he feels it physically hurt if she land a wallop or scratch etc it is NOT acceptable to scream in her face. I do get that it's upsetting when you're rejected by your child, but he HAS to get a grip of himself and understand that almost all kids go through wanting one parent, not the other and next month it might be the other way around.

I'm not terribly patient with it because it's not nice & mostly it's not convenient, but working around it without being seen to pander to it seems to sort it out quickly.

I'd also stop lying down with them to go to sleep, it's not a good habit for them OR for you. Put them to bed then tell her you need to do xyz fictitious or real job (and potter about so she can hear you) and tell them you'll be back in 5 minutes and DO go back, it'll take a few nights, but you'll get there and your future self will thank you. Your DD's future sleep will thank you too! Self soothing is important!!

For the next few nights can DH read DD1 some stories downstairs/in your room etc while you put the baby to bed then you take DD1 to her bed. Then once she stops being so emotional over it all go back to DH reading to her in bed & you going in after to say goodnight.

At those ages I'd do a story for them both in DD2's room then put DD2 in her cot & take DD1 to bed. A quick big girls story then time to sleep.

You can make too much if bed time and as they get older, bad habits like staying with them until they're asleep take up you're entire evening snd they don't learn the great life skill of settling themselves to sleep.

But the main thing is DH needs to be under NO illusion that screaming in a 3 years face is in anyway acceptable!

Best wishes.

If they go to bed at the same time try all four of you in dd3 room and you and Dh read a story each while maintaining a calm atmosphere. Little one can then be lifted into her cot after the stories are finished. Probably best to try and get them to sleep without you having to stay in the room, so now is a good time to start a new routine.

His behaviour is absolutely not acceptable at all but clearly bedtimes aren’t working. I would try a routine that means one of you can put both to bed while the other has a break and visa versa. Or one of you does bath and teeth with both children and the other does story and bed with both children. You could all try doing it together all 4 while you work out how to do it. I moved mine in together to share a bedroom to make bedtimes easier and it made the world of difference. Having 2 separate children in separate rooms with the same bed time is stressful.