Husband shouting, furious with DD

[Lfinger]

Dd3 yrs refuses to let dh, her dad, put her to bed. As soon as she realises that he'll be doing her story she starts kicking off, running around the house to find me (while I'm trying to put her baby sister to bed). Then if dh manages to get her in her bedroom, she kicks and scratches him as though her life depends on it. I've told him to just walk out of the room and check on her every few mins until she calms down but he ends up shouting (properly shouting, screaming in her face, very scary) at which point I have to go in because I was shouted at like that when I was little and know how traumatic it can be. It happened on Thursday and its happened again tonight. I had to go into her room and he was shouting in her face and trying to get her Pyjamas on. It was horrid and I feel very upset about it. dd kept telling me that daddy scared her, that was very scary. I'm so gutted that she's so young and had that experience.

I insisted he leave the room and finish putting the baby to bed but he walked off. Left me with 3 year old and 18 month old to do bedtime when they both are used to having one of us lie with them to fall asleep. Been a grim evening.

Partly just needed to get it all out of my head but also want to hear what others have to say about it. Am I too sensitive because of childhood experience or is this unreasonable behaviour from an adult man to a small, very tired child.

By ‘resetting bedtime’ do yous all mean ‘get the child abuser the fuck away from these toddlers’? I don’t think a wee book will make the man stop abusing tiny kids.

@Carbara

By ‘resetting bedtime’ do yous all mean ‘get the child abuser the fuck away from these toddlers’? I don’t think a wee book will make the man stop abusing tiny kids.

I'm starting from the assumption that the DH doesn't do this 'on purpose' and therefore a 'reset' is needed to help the DH learn a new way of parenting & for the DD to be able to learn to trust and enjoy her Dad.

Does he want to change? If so then reading Philippa Perry 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read' might help him gain some insight into his behaviour and ways to change. If he isn't contrite and taking full responsibility then tell him to leave.

@Carbara

By ‘resetting bedtime’ do yous all mean ‘get the child abuser the fuck away from these toddlers’? I don’t think a wee book will make the man stop abusing tiny kids.

Ok, there's a big jump from not being able to cope and manage to Child Abuser.

@Carbara

By ‘resetting bedtime’ do yous all mean ‘get the child abuser the fuck away from these toddlers’? I don’t think a wee book will make the man stop abusing tiny kids.

And you've never said a cross word to your kids? Never lost it? Never even raised your voice? Never made a mistake?

@Carbara

By ‘resetting bedtime’ do yous all mean ‘get the child abuser the fuck away from these toddlers’? I don’t think a wee book will make the man stop abusing tiny kids.

How is this opinion in the minority?!

Everyone loses their temper, we were all brought up differently. We don't know the full details of OP's relationship with her DH to say that he is abusing their child and should leave. If the shouting is a regular thing and he refuses to see his errors, then yes, the child needs to be protected from their father.

Although not as extreme as this, DH has lost his temper with DD in the past. I just took over at the time without saying a word. When children were not around and we were calm, I discussed it with him. It has not happened again but I know kids will push us both as far as we can go at times.

As for not sitting with children while they fall asleep - this is an individual thing. DH or I still sit with 4yr old DD and 2.5yr old DS whilst they go sleep. It is our time together and they love falling asleep with me in the room. They know if they faff about I will leave so they go straight to sleep once lights are out. No need to berate the OP for doing this

I can’t tell if your daughter was behaving like that because she knows she gets what she wants (mummy at bed time) if she plays up, and your DH momentarily lost his temper, or if she’s terrified of your DH because he frequently loses him temper?

Was this a one off or is he always shouting like that at her?

If it’s a one off I have to say that although shouting at a child like that is terrible, I do see how an otherwise good parent could lose their temper when they’re being screamed at and repeatedly kicked and scratched in the face, that’s really not on and there’s no excuse for it.

By resetting bedtimes, I mean creating a stable routine that centres the children. There are two issues here. OP's DH's temper/ anger which needs to be addressed. And the fact that no-one has centred the DCs in the bedtime routine. OP and her DH let the situation get aggressive and shouty then try to rectify it. Imo that's too late. They actually need a calm steady routine that means: the 3-yr-old feels safe and knows she can't scream and kick, and knows what her routine is ; the DH isn't shouting and OP isn't sweeping in on a wave of heightened emotion after it's escalated.

Am I too sensitive because of childhood experience or is this unreasonable behaviour from an adult man to a small, very tired child.

I’m amazed that you even have to ask this question.

You're very brave admitting his behaviour on here. I can't imagine a man who does that to a small child, is kind the rest of the time? My honest advice is get out. You don't feel safe and you never will as far as I can see. Good luck.

00100 nope, I’m childfree. Violent men should absolutely not breed. Child abusers shouldn’t be near kids. Louder for those sympathise with the adult man abusing the child.

what sort of relationship do you have with your husband.
Are you able to say to him what the fuck man? Why are you constantly escalating the situation and losing your cool?
Do you think he needs to leave, or do you think its salvageable. Its definitely not Ok or to be ignored, but obviously you need to take into account that if he does leave, he would likely have access to the children anyway. Is him losing his temper a long standing problem