Husband shouting, furious with DD

[Lfinger]

Dd3 yrs refuses to let dh, her dad, put her to bed. As soon as she realises that he'll be doing her story she starts kicking off, running around the house to find me (while I'm trying to put her baby sister to bed). Then if dh manages to get her in her bedroom, she kicks and scratches him as though her life depends on it. I've told him to just walk out of the room and check on her every few mins until she calms down but he ends up shouting (properly shouting, screaming in her face, very scary) at which point I have to go in because I was shouted at like that when I was little and know how traumatic it can be. It happened on Thursday and its happened again tonight. I had to go into her room and he was shouting in her face and trying to get her Pyjamas on. It was horrid and I feel very upset about it. dd kept telling me that daddy scared her, that was very scary. I'm so gutted that she's so young and had that experience.

I insisted he leave the room and finish putting the baby to bed but he walked off. Left me with 3 year old and 18 month old to do bedtime when they both are used to having one of us lie with them to fall asleep. Been a grim evening.

Partly just needed to get it all out of my head but also want to hear what others have to say about it. Am I too sensitive because of childhood experience or is this unreasonable behaviour from an adult man to a small, very tired child.

Your husband is teaching your 3 yr old daughter to capitulate to a shouting a and powerful man. Is this really a lesson you want her to learn?

Yeah, I'd only consider shouting at my kids if I thought they would come to harm, husband the same. He's making bedtime worse with this sort of behaviour, no wonder she comes looking for you.

My DH is useless at putting our DS (same age as your DD) to bed. He's not aggressive like your DH but bedtime quite often turns into a game with the two of them laughing and chasing each other around upstairs, quite often with DS straight out of the bath and soaking wet being tickled and thrown by DH onto all the beds and screaming, "More, Daddy, more!". DS loves it but gets very wound up and then it takes ages to get him to sleep. I've had to put my foot down and get more involved than I would like to be to make sure bedtime is a calming, quiet, winding-down process for DS. So quietly upstairs, warm bath, towelled dry, pyjamas straight on, brush teeth, straight into bed, stories and then cuddles.

If either of us behaved like your DH towards your DD, our DS would be wound up, scared and sobbing in his bed until we went to him. On the rare occasions I've become cross at bedtime, I've then had to sit next to his bed hugging him for ages until he felt secure enough to sleep - it's completely counter-productive. If he is being difficult, we speak to him sternly (no shouting) and talk him through everything - "It's time to sleep now. You have your teddy, you have your blankie, you have your night-light, you're all tucked in. Mummy and Daddy are just downstairs. You're safe but it's time to sleep now". We sometimes have to do this several times but it seems to work.

Wow your 3 Yr old has you wrapped around her finger however shouting is a nono ever in future if she scratching, kicking hitting he need to put her in time out and walk away also sounds like she plays up to get your attention and her own was staying with them to sleep is also another issue to deal with once she learns that kicking off won't get her own way and your husband needs to learn to control or remove himself for the situation

@Dddccc

Wow your 3 Yr old has you wrapped around her finger however shouting is a nono ever in future if she scratching, kicking hitting he need to put her in time out and walk away also sounds like she plays up to get your attention and her own was staying with them to sleep is also another issue to deal with once she learns that kicking off won't get her own way and your husband needs to learn to control or remove himself for the situation

Wow.

Next time you're angry or scared a d have reacted badly, and the person you love shouts in your face.
Don't call your mum/sister/dad for sympathy a d expect them to comfort you.

Nope. You just have them wrapped round your little finger.

Best thing they can do is just ignore you until you calm down and just do exactly as you're told.

No point complaining, or asking for help. They won't give it to you.

I've only read page one and in my head there's a voice screaming at you "argh! Get out of this relationship and don't let him near your children".

Your poor daughter will grow up to think it's ok for men to shout at her, or that there's 3, 4, 5 or 10 strikes before they're out.

Please, protect your daughters.

If he's not actively seeking ways to improve his anger management like counselling or medication then a switch is just going to flick the next time she scratches or refuses bedtime or does anything kids do when they're being defiant and he's going to scream at her until she's scared into submission.

Thanks for all your replies. I'm going to get that book and I like the idea of a bedtime reset.

Do one bedtime routine- story together, then each to bed. They shouldn't need you both to lie in bed with them.
Story. Bed. Leave room.

Nah your daughters behaviour is unacceptable and I'm not surprised your husband lost his temper, no one likes being physically attacked (whether a child or not it fucking hurts and shouldn't be tolerated)

Jesus Christ OP, he's bellowing in the face of a 3 year old. Just think about that for a minute. It's abuse. Protect your child.

Your daughter is learning that her screaming and physically hurting her dad means that you give in and put her to bed.

I totally 1000% agree that he shouldn't be shouting but I'm sure every parent has lost their temper and shown it in some way especially after being attacked by your own child trying to do a supposedly lovely bed time task with your child.

What came first? Your daughter screaming and attacking her dad (and he lost it after a prolonged period of this) or did he start shouting first which then led to the behaviour she now has?

@00100001 the child was kicking off before the parent shouted this was not acceptable behaviour and should have been dealt with via a time out not parent shouting her behaviour is probably because she knows if she kicks off for her dad her mam will drop everything and take over

Bedtime is a pressure point for young children. They are often tired and emotional. It is for parents to deal with it calmly and consistently and to manage the situation to prevent it deteriorating. Yes, the 3yo is not behaving well but it is for the OP's husband to behave like an adult, keep his cool and parent appropriately.

You will get absolutely nowhere shouting. Bath pjs story cuddles. Speak at their level. Let them cry a little if they have to. Works itself out in a few days.

[quote Dddccc]@00100001 the child was kicking off before the parent shouted this was not acceptable behaviour and should have been dealt with via a time out not parent shouting her behaviour is probably because she knows if she kicks off for her dad her mam will drop everything and take over[/quote]
I actually agree with you on this part and also agree nevertheless that the behaviour of shouting in the face of a toddler isn't acceptable at all. I don't agree that time out is an effective solution though, it's not something I'd ever do with a toddler.

How are her communication skills OP? Can she explain (when she's calmer) why she doesn't want daddy to put her to bed? Could daddy add anything special or exciting to his bedtime routine that she might enjoy? Bubbles, chocolate milk, music, stories, even a tv show? Maybe something for her to look forward to and could be a special daddy bedtime thing?

Alternatively I really don't think there's much harm in you sticking to put the kids that you usually put to bed especially whilst they are this young. But I suppose the difficulty then is what if one of you is away or ill that it's good that both of them are ok with either of you putting them to bed. Do they go to bed at the same time? At 18m my DD was asleep by about 7pm and at nearly 3 she's not asleep until about 8pm. If your kids fall asleep at different times you could do both bedtimes together both of you even as a starting point? Like all help put 18 month old to bed then both of you put 3 yr old to bed, maybe gradually having daddy as part of bedtime would make it slowly acceptable to the 3 yr old?

@BunnyRuddington

I had a parent who was like this. I could never understand why the other parent let them behave like this as didn't protect us.

Print this off op. Read it over and over

LOOK WHAT HES DOING TO YOUR CHILD

Protect her and tell him that if he raises his voice again like this, he’s out

Out.

And mean it

He’s bullying her, terrorising her and she’s terrified of him.

This is abusive behaviour and it's concerning that he doesn't see a problem with it even after "cooling down".
Can you do both bedtimes? One after the other while he cleans up and does the dishes.
Your children do not deserve to be treated like this.

Your DH needs to change his approach, absolutely. Your 3yo is not going to calm down from someone shouting in her face. You two need to agree on an approach together. Decide what you will do when your DD kicks off. I suggest just walking out of the bedroom and closing the door and then going back in a few minutes later. It is quite heart wrenching to be rejected by your own child, so I would cut him some slack for now and start afresh.

I’m sure many will disagree but I would be explaining that yes daddy shouldn’t have shouted but that she is not behaving properly either and she is hurting him and upsetting him. Right now the 3yo is learning that screaming, scratching and kicking gets her what she wants - mummy. If mum comes to the rescue every time she does that then she’s not going to stop doing it.

I have 2 kids 18 mths apart and they definitely had a preference for me, however they understood that it needed to be fair so we alternated. Unless they need to go to bed at significantly different times you could also combine part of bedtime. We used to have a shared story time for our two, then one of us would put the younger one to bed while the other read another book with the older one. We had shared bath times so they were both putting on pyjamas together in the bathroom. Minimise the actual tasks that her dad needs to get her to do so it literally is just hop into bed and an extra story if she’s been good. Then work up from there.

[quote Dddccc]@00100001 the child was kicking off before the parent shouted this was not acceptable behaviour and should have been dealt with via a time out not parent shouting her behaviour is probably because she knows if she kicks off for her dad her mam will drop everything and take over[/quote]
No, the child was most likely kicking off because she’d been left in the car of a scary man who screams in her face. Your DH sounds like a massive man-toddler OP, to do this and then go off sulking. He needs to shape up or ship out.

Jesus Christ, your poor daughter, no wonder she doesn't want this vile man to put her to bed, I wouldn't let him near me either. I had an abusive disgusting father like this too and I couldn't wait to leave and never speak to him again. You need to get tough op and send your husband to anger management. The least he can do is learn to control his temper and stop acting like a toddler himself

@lalliella he shouted after her kicking and hitting him i am not agreeing with his shouting but every single parent has lost there cool at some point while a child is being challenging, even i shouted at my ds after he hit and kicked me and I apologised to my ds and explained that mammy was angry at his behaviour but should not have shouted, we all react at some point we are human and make mistakes, however dealing with the child's attention seeking behaviour ie the kicking off because she wanted mam not dad is also not behaviour to be tolerated and it needs nipped in the bud, and the dh needs to remove himself from situations when he feels his temper flaring

My dad was like that. I was terrified of him. My DH sometimes shouts at the kids for fairly trivial stuff. I tell him not to in front of them, so now they do too. He kind of ends up looking a bit stupid shouting at a 5 year old who is calmly telling him that's not a good way of solving a problem.

Your DHs behaviour is unacceptable but your DD3 kicking him in the face, screaming, scratching is also extreme.
There really is no need for lying with both kids until they fall asleep, it’s better all round if they learn to be content and settle at bedtime.

Of everything in your post, beside all the horrid yelling, misbehaving and shouting (by everyone it seems), the most stand out point to me is "lie with them until they go to sleep"

Has your eldest DD had you lie with her until she goes to sleep since she was born? And she's 3????

No wonder she's screaming the fuck the house down at your DH.

Sorry OP. You made this situation.

Your DH is possibly flummoxed by the bad bedtime behaviour and your house has reached critical point of who is in charge here.
No, he shouldn't shout or intimidate but seems your DD is misbehaving and somewhat out of control of her emotions at bedtime. As is her father. I would expect because BOTH of them are tired and emotional and don't really like the status quo of the routine.

Reset Bedtime. Entirely. Nanny Jo Frost scenario.

Lie with them until they go to sleep?
The best thing you can teach your child is to self sooth and settle at bed. Absolutely research an entirely new bedtime routine. With DH and do it together. No undermining each other. Team work all the way and never disagree openly in front of the DC. You do that quietly and in a grown up manner when DC aren't in ear shot.

My DCs had a father like your DH.

None of them has anything to do with him now. One has been diagnosed with ptsd.

You need to get very serious about this awful behaviour of his. You need to make it clear that you will not accept it and he needs to understand that you are serious.

He has to change completely and the behaviour must never, ever return.

There are no excuses for it.