Pregnant but don't know anything about looking after a baby.

[LBunz]

Title says it all. I've been trying to find books but they all seem focused on pregnancy rather than what to do when the baby comes.

I basically need a manual that you would give to an alien if you handed them a newborn human. I literally know nothing. I'm the youngest in the family so no experience around babies until I was 18 then I didn't even want to be around babies. Never changed a nappy, only baby sat a 2.5 year old once for 4 hours and she was asleep so didn't do anything other than listen to the baby monitor.

Please help me. I have ADHD and I've been trying for weeks to put lists together but I'm struggling so much to focus and to know what exactly to research. I look at websites but I just don't know what I need to know and I get overwhelmed easily. I've looked for books on amazon but they all seemed to be aimed at dads or years and years out of date.

If one more person tells me 'it'll come naturally' I will have a breakdown. I need real information about temperatures, what to dress a baby in, how much sleep they need, how often to feed them, etc etc.

Please help, I'm struggling a lot and already feeling like I'm failing.

When ds1 was born, the midwife said "do you want to dress him?" Me and dh looked at eachother thinking "how the hell do we do that??!!" She laughed and did it for us.

First nappy for ds1... midwife came to check baby. What had I done? Put it on backwards! Some brands have the word "front" written on them or a picture on the front.

Take a breath

Are you hoping to breast feed or.bottle feed? I used instructions on the box of milk. Breast feeding - I used the mantra "if in doubt, offer."

Me and my friends had this little picture guide for clothes and temperatures. I think gro do a temperature guide.

There's also a book called "what to expect. The first year"

I bought the book ‘The Rough Guide to Babies.’ I found it really good - full of helpful information but funny too! I was also given a book by the health visitor when dd was born. ‘What to Expect The First Year’ is also pretty good.

They used to send you home with a manual - at least they did 9 years ago!

Clothes - generally one more layer than you need.
Feed - they'll usually tell you. If in doubt try feeding them
Nappy - when it's wet or dirty. Wet - after feeds. Dirty - you'll know!
HV or community midwives will help you once you're home if you ask.
Are NCT doing online classes you could join?
Congratulations, BTW!

Well you're in the right place for a start!
Have you read all the stuff on the site here: www.mumsnet.com/babies

Do you have a partner, or family who will be able to help?

Yes I think what you need is a book. Adhd brains cab get very muddled with all the online information. I second that book What to expect - the first year.
Good luck and congratulations

I bought my partner a book called commando dad as a joke gift really but it was really helpful with all the basics!

I was like you, I had my first baby August 2020.

To be honest, it's actually not that complicated.

Most important things you need to know is to pay attention not to accidently drop the baby, always support its head and make sure you create a safe sleeping environment that avoids Sids ( that means cot has to be free of loose blankets or toys and baby should always sleep on back. I use sleeping bags with my baby, on the rare occasion I used a blanket I always wrapped it safely around my baby so it couldn't sleep over its head). Also make sure that baby hats aren't too big and can't slip over the face.

Make sure you feed on a regular basis when the baby shows hunger cues ( crying, sucking/biting its fists) and change nappy when dirty.

Sleep when the baby sleeps as you need the rest and if you ever get stressed out from all the crying, it is okay to put the baby in a safe location and for you to leave the room for 5 minutes to get some fresh air ( better than doing something stupid like shaking the baby).

Aside from that, give the baby lots of cuddles and kisses and talk to it a lot.

To be honest, sleep deprivation is the hardest thing it helps when you have a supportive partner/family around.

Good luck and congratulations on your little bundle of joy 😊 Wish you
good labour

Oh my gosh, pls don't put pressure on yourself, none of us knew! Seriously! Most of us are winging it from day 1!

I think sleep, feeding etc is really down to your baby. Every baby is different so I think the best thing you can do is understand your baby's cues for feeding, changing etc so you can be attuned to the babies needs. After a few months you'll clock on naturally when the baby wants something as you'll start to learn their cues.

You need to stop the pressure on yourself more than anything. The best thing you can do for baby is be calm and happy, and go with their flow for a little while (in my opinion). Also stock up on cooked or ready meals for the freezer so you have some decent food to eat in the first few weeks.

I’d recommend Kidwrangling - I had some other books, but that was the most basic, clearest and funniest.

www.amazon.co.uk/Kid-Wrangling-Caring-Toddlers-Preschoolers/dp/1580085571?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Us:- Two Oxbridge graduates in our thirties.
HCA:- Aged about 19 and lovely.

Guess who showed who how to change a nappy when Dd was born!

The good thing about babies is that you basically do the same thing over and over (and over and over and over and over) again. So once you have done it a few times you are sorted!

When is your baby due? Just so we can offer advice which is appropriate for clothing according to the weather! The general rule of thumb is that babies should have one more layer than you. Usually you can achieve that by them wearing a vest.

Small babies don’t need a lot of baths but get a thermometer and make sure it’s around 37 degrees. Feeding - are you thinking you’ll breastfeed? I’d recommend expert advice for that, seek out local groups and take as much help as you can get. If your formula feed you’ll need about 6-8 bottles and have a way to sterilise them. This could be a microwave steriliser, electric steam steriliser or cold water with Milton tablets. You need a bottle brush as well as they need to be thoroughly washed with hot soapy water before you sterilise them.

Don’t worry too much about a routine at first, you’ll soon learn when they need a sleep and a feed because like every other parent ever you have to trial and error it until you find the magic key to stop them crying - I’d usually try nappy, feed, sleep as then I knew if they fell asleep feeding (often!) they were in a clean nappy. Don’t change nappies in the night unless it’s a poo or absolutely soaking.

Nappies should be reasonably snug when you put them on, check the weight on the nappy pack to give you a guide on what will fit your baby. If they’re leaking a lot or don’t seem to last long (definitely a few hours if not a poo) then try a size up or a different brand.

Read up on safe sleep - there shouldn’t be anything in the cot with your baby, no pillow, toys, loose covers or cot bumper. Put their feet to the end of the cot and tuck the cover in tight all round the edges of the mattress.

Good luck I promise you will learn and don’t forget your baby is your baby, they certainly didn’t read the guidebooks and they’ll likely be different to your friend’s baby!

Same here. Now have 10 and 7 yo. I liked what to expect the first year. Mumsnet is great for asking any and all questions

I think I'd held a baby maybe twice in my entire life when I had my first (not naturally maternal and never keen to coo over infants).

What I learned:

• Baby boys will pee all over you, and also all over the clean nappy, so use a muslin cloth to cover their willy and leave it a minute before you put a new nappy on him (can't tell you about girls as I don't have one). I was rubbish at nappies for quite a while.
• Don't use baby clothes with buttons or anything that fastens up the back. Poppers all the way. You can get away with basically dressing them in a vest and a sleepsuit until they're really quite big.
• A lot of babies cry A LOT in the early evening. It can feel like you can't do anything right. You've fed them, changed them, winded them, bounced them, sang to them but they're still crying. Eventually I found that ds1 quite liked being stripped naked and given a baby massage - it was a distraction technique if anything. Anyway, this too will pass!
• Some babies thrive on a set routine and if you feed, bathe, put them down to sleep they're happy (ds2). Some babies haven't heard of the word "routine" and aren't interested (ds1). Don't worry if your baby hasn't read the book - do whatever gets you through in the early days, you can't "spoil" your baby by cuddling them too much. Ds1 was a velcro baby and was pretty happy as long as he was being help, never a napper. Now he's a teenager and doesn't get up until noon.

With babies, feed them a lot. If it cries, put a boob/bottle in it, day or night. Both boob or bottle are fine, I personally preferred boob because it was easier for me to plug one in than doing a bottle #lazy but bottle feeding also means Dad/other people can help you feed which is helpful.
Their tummies can be a bit under developed so after boob/bottle it’s best to wind them (sit them up, pat their back till they burp).
Newborns sleep, then wake up for b/b. Literally, as long as stuff is going in one end and out the other, that’s all you need to worry about at first.
Change a nappy immediately if it’s pooey, (looks like yellow runny poo for babies not grown up brown solid) and every few hours if just wees.
Cuddle them a lot. They may or may not go to sleep in a cot on their own - often when newly out they only go to sleep on you (because they’ve just come out of you and so it’s a bit stressful for them to be on their own). Don’t worry, they will get used to it. First couple of months generally a bit weird cos they don’t know day and night so just wake up for food whenever and you have to adapt. But soon their bodies naturally start to learn that dark = sleep time and day = more wake time. (Tho they will definitely wake up for food at night at least once for at least the first year and sometimes longer).

Also, use Mumsnet for everything. Put
Mumsnet at the end of everything on google as there will be a chat on it. ‘baby won’t sleep mumsnet’ ‘newborn runny poo mumsnet’ etc

I feel sorry for you, but honestly why did you choose to get pregnant without knowing really what a baby is, or whether you would like one or not? (As you can't say you would like a baby without knowing what one is or what it needs). The baby is a person too and I'm not sure taking a gamble on what one probably is is the best idea.

A poster would be slaughtered on here for saying they're getting a puppy, but have no idea what one is or what it needs. Just saying, that some life choices do need minimal research first.

I mean it does come naturally...I think it's worth remembering that every baby is different and you need to work with what your baby needs rather than what a book says. If a book says baby should be having 12-16 hours sleep a day but yours only had 8 one day, how does that make you feel? Probably not great so its worth remembering to take it all with a pinch of salt.

I did NCT with my first which was good for birth info and the basics of baby care (NHS does antenatal classes too) but was still like WTF when DC1 was handed to me!

Clothes
Usually one more layer than you - easiest thing is short sleeve vest, a baby grow on top and then add cardis or blankets as required.

Feeding
Depends on how you're feeding baby (bottle or breast fed) but it's worth remembering its little and often to start with and they often cluster feed of an evening/at night.

Sleep
This depends on how lucky you get with baby tbh - watch them for sleep cues (eye or head rubbing, yawning!) and don't expect miracles in terms of getting any decent sleep. Look at the lullaby trust website for safe sleeping info.

Nappies
If it's a boy, penis points down
Frills in to prevent leaks
Supermarket nappies are as good as pampers in my opinion.

And what Mumoftwoinprimary said - having a newborn is a bit like Groundhog Day. If you don't get the nappy right the first time, you'll have cracked it by the 1000th time.

I found holly willoughbys books really good and antenatal classes are useful. I also would say you end up googling stuff as you go along and pick up stuff from other mums.

There was also a book by Caroline Fertleman that was brilliant when the baby arrived. I had no idea, I'd never held a baby for longer than five minutes and was in denial the whole pregnancy. My kids are now 9 and 8 and it's OK. I totally winged it and am still doing that

I would recommend you get hold of "First Time Parent" by Lucy Atkins. It's basically the manual I think you were hoping for, with lots of useful things like suggestions of how many/which clothes to buy, how to tell when they're hungry etc. There's also a list of sixteen things to try when your baby is crying, which is frankly the most useful parenting thing I've ever come across

The book The Science of Parenting is very good too

Not so much for all the practical stuff but in terms of understanding your baby, how to calm them etc. Really easy to read.

I'd recommend breastfeeding as you can never really go wrong with that. Always available perfect temperature and you can't overfeed a BF baby, so don't have to worry at all about what quantities to feed. You just feed whenever they start rooting or crying and it is so soothing for them and bonding for you both. Once you have got through the first 1-2 weeks in which you and baby both learn how to do it, it really can make everything easier.

Have a look on amazon for some baby guide books for first time mums. Theres a book by Lucy Atkins called first time parent for around £10 which may be helpful. But honestly once your baby is here and you're a week in everything will just start to fall into place and your mother instincts will take over! We are all winging it as moms so you wont be alone!
My DD is 18 months old and i still feel like I'm winging it most of the time! Good luck

OP there will be courses like NCT that you can join in the months before your due date. There will be extensive information give there (4 hour session on breastfeeding anyone?!) and the opportunity to meet a group of mums who are having babies at the same time so there is always someone you can message in the dead of night when your baby is doing X and you are not sure what to do. Health visitors are available to answer your questions and provide support before and after the birth. You kind of learn as you go along so don’t try and read up on weaning, toddlers etc now. Just get to grips with the newborn basics- NHS websites are good sources for that.

You'll do brilliantly! You'd be amazed how much comes instinctively. Saying that, no one knows what they're doing until they have one, even if they've been around babies, even if they were a nursery nurse, it's entirely different to having your own!

I would say just that the NHS website has really simple advice on the basics of baby care and how to keep them safe. Other than that though, I wouldn't read a book. Babies are all so different and you will find your groove through experience! You'll be brilliant, congrats!