Pregnant but don't know anything about looking after a baby.

[LBunz]

Title says it all. I've been trying to find books but they all seem focused on pregnancy rather than what to do when the baby comes.

I basically need a manual that you would give to an alien if you handed them a newborn human. I literally know nothing. I'm the youngest in the family so no experience around babies until I was 18 then I didn't even want to be around babies. Never changed a nappy, only baby sat a 2.5 year old once for 4 hours and she was asleep so didn't do anything other than listen to the baby monitor.

Please help me. I have ADHD and I've been trying for weeks to put lists together but I'm struggling so much to focus and to know what exactly to research. I look at websites but I just don't know what I need to know and I get overwhelmed easily. I've looked for books on amazon but they all seemed to be aimed at dads or years and years out of date.

If one more person tells me 'it'll come naturally' I will have a breakdown. I need real information about temperatures, what to dress a baby in, how much sleep they need, how often to feed them, etc etc.

Please help, I'm struggling a lot and already feeling like I'm failing.

@JovialNickname

I feel sorry for you, but honestly why did you choose to get pregnant without knowing really what a baby is, or whether you would like one or not? (As you can't say you would like a baby without knowing what one is or what it needs). The baby is a person too and I'm not sure taking a gamble on what one probably is is the best idea.

A poster would be slaughtered on here for saying they're getting a puppy, but have no idea what one is or what it needs. Just saying, that some life choices do need minimal research first.

We don't know what the circumstances are behind OPs pregnancy or that she chose to get pregnant so I think it's best not to be so judgmental to someone who is clearly struggling.

How far along are you OP? I would recommend getting the books PP have suggested (you can get them cheap and secondhand on WorldofBooks) and also sign up for antenatal classes such as NCT and have a look at what your hospital is doing for antenatal classes, a lot of them are doing YouTube videos or Zoom classes.

My local hospitals cover labour and then the basics like changing a nappy, washing a baby, how to dress them, feed them etc. Your midwife will be able to help answer any questions you have as will your health visitor.

Look up SIDS guidelines and get clued up on those too.

@JovialNickname Well that was bloody helpful.

OP, You will get lots of advice from others about hows and what and wherefore. I knew nothing about kids when I had my first (I'm the dad BTW) but a couple of definite things I can pass on from my experience:

Ask the Midwife/Health visitor. If you're worried about ANYTHING - ask them. They know and would much prefer to be endlessly telling you things are OK than miss something important because you 'didn't want to bother them'.

Boys will pee as soon as you take the nappy off. It goes miles! Just drop a piece of tissue/toilet paper over his willy as soon as, otherwise he will pee over you or even manage to hit his own face.

You don't say if you have a partner or not. If you do make sure he/she knows what she can do to help and LET them. You will need loads of sleep and rest. The world will seem focused on the baby. Don't let the world forget you exist too. Look after yourself.

Something handy to remember is that unlike a pot plant, a baby will give you clues as to what they need.

There will be a lot of squirming, grizzling and crying. That's a sign that he/she needs feeding, burping, a cuddle, or a clean nappy.

If baby's fast asleep, then you don't need to do anything much. Check the temperature occasionally by popping a (warm) finger down the back of their vest. If they are hot or cold, add or remove a blanket.

When hungry, they headbutt at your breast area or arm, searching for a nipple.

The most important thing is to watch your baby and see what they're up to, so you know what they need.

Thank you so much to all (mostly). Honestly, I could tell you everything there is to know about pregnancy and what happens week by week, milestones once the child is older, potty training, weaning etc. It's just this bloody baby part I'm massively struggling with.

I think the majority of it is my ADHD. I'm not using that as an excuse but there almost a block in my brain when it comes to the newborn part and I just don't know where to start. It's seriously overwhelming. I've learned to adapt my way of learning but I think because the baby stage is all so new, I don't know where to start and it's throwing me off. It's hard to explain but I feel a bit more on the right path now, so thank you. I'll check out the book recommendations.

Yes, living with long term partner (should have been husband but covid..) he's just as clueless as me when it comes to babies but he's already doing so much around the house for me, he's a bloody good egg which is why I've not gone into full on stress mode. Baby is due August. NCT classes we have looked at but they're miles away (I actually just looked again and one is now round the corner so going to get booked in for the asap). I've enquired about antenatal that the hospital runs too (zoom) so hopefully I'll hear from them soon too. Supportive parents both sides so we are dead lucky (mine don't live close but tbh would probably drop everything at a minutes notice and come if I really needed them too, but will be cheering us on via facetime daily I'm sure) and MiL used to be a childminder. So I know I'm in super good hands with them and MIL is a fountain of untapped knowledge I just need to sit down with her and have a good chat about it all.

Something handy to remember is that unlike a pot plant, a baby will give you clues as to what they need.
Good as all my plants are looking a bit withered

@JovialNickname
It strikes me odd that you've chosen to try and put down a ND woman who is honestly and opening admitting she is struggling, rather than offering real help. If you must know, fertility problems meant it highly unlikely I fall pregnant but Surprise Surprise here we are. I know WHAT a baby is and for the most part what a baby NEEDS but, as I stated I have ADHD. It's hard for me to process information sometimes, and I'm overwhelmed. This baby will very much be loved, and cared for, and you may think I've not researched anything. But I am here, asking for help, asking for advice and guidance. Is that not what research is? I'm under no illusion how hard this is going to be, but a child is also more than a new born baby. Do FTMs know every single thing about parenting from 0-18yrs before getting pregnant? I doubt it as boards like this wouldn't exist. Please do not feel sorry for me, but perhaps in future offer constructive advise and a little bit of empathy and understanding rather than patronising comments intended to upset.

Thanks again for the recommendations and advise from other posters. It's very helpful.

Hth ;)

I had DS when I was 24, was an only child, the youngest by far in my extended family, none of my friends had babies already. I had never even held a baby, never changed a nappy etc
After I gave birth dh was sent home, I was put in a private side room on my own with my baby and I was shitting myself. But I was absolutely fine- you will be too! But I do know exactly how your feeling, maybe try and watch YouTube videos of people with newborns (day in the life sort of thing) and it should give you an idea of their routines and you can watch people dealing with a newborn.

images.app.goo.gl/xKvFToMg1eS65jb3A

I have ADHD and I've been trying for weeks to put lists together but I'm struggling so much to focus and to know what exactly to research.

ADHD mum with a gorgeous DD with ADHD. You have a superpower! ADHD parents (well, me) do this... muddle through, hit a sag, frantic research, power through, another snag, frantic research and repeat. Studying properly beforehand? That's for normies.

Kelly Mom for BFing advice, HV for health, MN for pretty much everything else. Also parenting classes when you get really stuck.

@LBunz congratulations on your pregnancy! Im due in July and all our NCT classes (which we are doing in May) are going to be on Zoom anyway, so the distance might not be an issue. It originally said in person and we got an email a couple of weeks ago to say they would be online. Worth contacting them and seeing if they will be still running online in June or July for you.

Btw - i feel exactly the same way! Thanks for the thread. Will be buying some of the books recommended on here

I found the NHS website really good - step by step on how to change a nappy, give a bath, etc. For safe sleep advice, Lullaby Trust website is great. I would stick to those two websites as much as you can - if you look all over the internet you'll find all sorts of conflicting information, and you've no way of knowing what's true. My top tip is not to worry at the vomiting, it's natural, and have a massive stash of muslins so you always have one to hand to wipe the baby sick up with.

Other than that, feed baby when they cry, change the nappy fairly often (though don't bother changing it in the night unless it's poo-y). Support the head when you hold baby. Get as much sleep as you can (while following the safe sleep advice). And enjoy your baby. The first time I heard DD laugh was one of the loveliest times in my life. (And I'm not even normally a very soppy person.)

"Your baby, week by week" Is a good book, lots of advice and info about what baby will be doing at different stages and what they need and also how you will be. If you prefer routine then look at Gina Ford, Baby Whisperer and SOS, I'd use the first book for facts about babies and routine books for a loose idea once baby is 10-12 weeks.

ADHD parents (well, me) do this... muddle through, hit a sag, frantic research, power through, another snag, frantic research and repeat.
You have described me to a tee!! The frantic research is real and all encompassing... when you know where to start

@00100001 aha amazing. We got a good laugh out of some of these! Thank you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Looks like you've got loads of great advice already but I found nhs videos on YouTube really helpful on how to bath / change nappies etc as you can see it being done and it's NHS so trustworthy

Preparing yourself now for baby sounds like your going to be a great mummy already!

Your baby week by week. The easiest book to follow. Literally read 2-3 pages a week and it tells you what to expect and what to do.

I didn't know much at all, hadn't ever changed a nappy etc. I didn't read any books but well we learned quickly.

Depends on ur level of having of knowledge. I thought I didn't know much but my friend really really didn't have a clue! She thought a baby came out feet first (like an animal). She also didn't have any vests for the baby, the midwives told her they were needed after baby was born and she had to send her dh to nearest shop to get them. She's a pro now, u just learn fast don't worry too much.

You will be fine! Just Google everything, you have nothing to worry about!

See if midwife has any copies of nhs birth to 5 book or buy second hand

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Department-Of-Health-NHS-Birth-To-Five-Book/193987094643?_trkparms=aid%3D1110006%26algo%3DHOMESPLICE.SIM%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D20180213162448%26meid%3Dd11523f09f6f4ede9d814144c9feceec%26pid%3D100930%26rk%3D3%26rkt%3D12%26sd%3D254869759489%26itm%3D193987094643%26pmt%3D0%26noa%3D1%26pg%3D2332490%26algv%3DDefaultOrganic&_trksid=p2332490.c100930.m5375

www.publichealth.hscni.net/publications/birth-five

Online here download stages
www.publichealth.hscni.net/publications/birth-five

ADHD parents (well, me) do this... muddle through, hit a sag, frantic research, power through, another snag, frantic research and repeat

Nail. On. The. Head.

My poor DH. Every day is ‘I’ve found a solution to X! We need to start...’

I second commando dad. It's literally the step by step "I'm not sure I can tell the difference between a baby and a table" type guide you are after.

I hated "your baby week by week" my baby did none of things it told me he would (and he's fine but it certainly didn't help)

Also, the useful thing about babies is early on they sleep a lot (not at night! But they do sleep a lot) which gives you plenty of time to Google the things you just realised you need to learn.

Neither me nor DH knew anything about babies either. I think it's probably more common than you think.

@LolaNova

ADHD parents (well, me) do this... muddle through, hit a sag, frantic research, power through, another snag, frantic research and repeat

Nail. On. The. Head.

My poor DH. Every day is ‘I’ve found a solution to X! We need to start...’

In our house too.

DH is calm, methodical, can work through things and mull them. Pfft! That's for suckers.

100% this book.
amazon.co.uk/dp/1594745978/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glc_fabc_007D909RXER8HSZCQQQH]]

DP & I found it really easy to read as it breaks everything into small chunks.

I'd never even held a baby before DS1 arrived. I hadn't a clue. I spent the first few months with a copy of Your Baby and Child by Penelope Leach by my side. Yes it's old but it's sensible, comprehensive and tells you exactly what to do. I'm sure there'll be an updated edition of it.