I’m on my knees with 4 week old - please help!

[Ahorsecalledseptember]

Sorry to moan but I’m a desperate woman.

My 4 week old baby has barely slept in the last 48 hours. He briefly slept on a car journey yesterday morning and then when we got there woke up and has more or less stayed awake since. I put him in his sling and walked around for hours and he does sleep then but it’s cold, wet, muddy and generally unpleasant for me. So we did that 3-5. As soon as I got back and sat down he woke up. And stayed awake until about midnight where he finally slept for about 4 hours. Then woke up and is still awake.

My back is incredibly painful as he wants to be on my shoulder but he keeps sort of ‘pushing’ himself up with his feet. I’ve given him another feed as OH said he didn’t finish the 2 am one but this generally doesn’t bode well for the day as now he hasn’t finished this one either.

I know it’s normal for new babies but I’m really feeling unwell and absolutely sick with tiredness here.

You're doing a full day's work as well. You have a newborn who doesn't sleep. How id that not work?

Your partner needs to cop on.

Maybe but that doesn’t help baby sleep.

One thing that helped us when DS was super cranky was putting him in his sling and gently bouncing on my birthing ball. It silenced him and put him to sleep every time. My partner could even do this whilst sending work emails and I could have a nap. May be worth a try??

A baby’s sleep would be unsettled if they’re over tired and haven’t fully grasped how to go back to sleep on their own yet.

This is why I think it’s so important to pick one method and stick to it. If he’s happy enough to lay down alone I’d honestly just leave him.
He may not go to sleep but eventually he’ll either cry out for you, or work it out.

It might take a while the first time, but unless he’s hysterical there’s nothing wrong with leaving him to it and giving him gentle shh’s to help him along if he’s starting to cry.

Oh @Ahorsecalledseptember this takes me right back to when DS was tiny - you have my sympathy! A few more ideas to try:

• running a hairdryer nearby: DS also wasn’t a fan of ewan but the hairdryer always used to send him off to sleep
• a sleepyhead pod: some don’t recommend them but personally ours was a lifesaver. we always warmed (with the aforementioned hairdryer!) it before putting DS down so he didn’t get a shock on chilly sheets.
• sleepy leopard/tiger in a tree position
• shifts: DH used to work all day, then when he’d finished he’d take DS and i’d nap from about 5 until 9 or 10. DH would wear DS in the sling and watch telly, he quite enjoyed it You both lose having the evening together but you’d get a decent chunk of sleep and then be refreshed and ready to do the night while your DP sleeps. It won’t be forever and it means you both stay sane!

Much like the pandemic, having a newborn means doing whatever you need to to do get through

My Ds2 cried a lot and I was very let down by every health visitor and GP I spoke to. They all insisted I Was depressed even though I clearly wasn't from my Edinburgh post natal. I was sleep deprived with a crying baby.

Please speak to your Dh, Hv, anyone until you get the right support.

In the end, the only thing that seemed to work was sitting him up, to sleep, in his car seat, for a week!

@Ahorsecalledseptember

I need to express milk as well so that’s another difficulty. Baby is now asleep and hope to god he stays that way ... looking at bouncy chairs, any recommendations? He does have a rocker but it’s a little flat for him I think.

We had a baby bjorn bouncer. Worth every single penny.

Yes, doesn’t it!

I think the sling is great and I bloody love slings. I have three.

But the problem is that ds is very fussy and while he loves the sling he only loves it when he’s being walked around in it. Dare to sit down and he expresses his displeasure with the situation

The hoover sometimes works,’if nothing else I suppose the housework is done!

If your partner takes baby an hour after he come in until 1am that's not having him a full night. Nowhere near.
It's shit, but if I had to go to bed at 7 or 8pm to get five or six uninterrupted hours I would.

Thanks myname I will order, sod the cost, I am desperate! I would sell my liver on the black marker to get this baby to sleep I think!

@Ahorsecalledseptember

Thanks myname I will order, sod the cost, I am desperate! I would sell my liver on the black marker to get this baby to sleep I think!

DH used to get up every morning and ask my what I'd ordered from Amazon in my middle of the night desperation to get DS to sleep so I remember that feeling well.

The arm flailing can stopped by swaddling

I had a baby with reflux and flailing arms and swaddling him helped (as well as raising his mattress a bit so it slightly sloped and his head was higher than his feet iyswim)

Also , I would sleep when he slept whenever that was

See if you can find something that will rock side to side. I'm a Childminder of 20 years and although i don't often mind newborns, i do have lots of experience of settling 4 to 6 month olds when they come for settling in visits. What i find find works with a lot of babies is to put them in the pram and then rather than push it backwards and forwards, i gently rock it side to side while stationary.
I hope you find something that works for you, it's so hard when you know that they're tired but can't settle.

Have you tried Co sleeping? Sod the day or what ever you need to do. Get a nice bath or shower with baby get some comfys on get cosy in bed (have a little look on Co sleeping) just relax with baby. Sometimes when your so tierd relaxing doing nothing helps. Also I would imagine your feeling tense trying to get baby asleep which baby might be picking up on. Honestly it's a tough time and it won't last I promise.
Go launch ewan twat sheep and get some proper white noise on YouTube my DD hated the "white noise" but loved waves crashing type white noise.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=6jW4CZ-AoOg

This is the one we used to use, it would be on all night some nights

I remember our little one went through a stage like this at 4 to 8 weeks. He NEVER slept and cried continually all day. It did pass though. Just hang in there!! Remember as much of this is a big change to you... It's a big change to bubba as well. You're all in it together. I was self employed at the time and could pick and choose my hours so I fortunate enough to support my wife(we are same sex couple) we would do the do night in shifts. I would do 8pm to 4am and my wife would do 4am to 10am and then I would get up and work at 11am. Ear plugs are a god send if you have a partner that's able to help. Keep your chin up... it gets better!!

@Ahorsecalledseptember

Maybe but that doesn’t help baby sleep.

But you have to treat it one day at a time. I have 4 kids and all have had phases of sleep and no sleep ...even my 16yr old wakes me up now lol but you adapt to that phase. Your partner won't always come in from work and be handed a baby, but for now you need that time. No one is doing more than they should. Its just the way it has to be for now x

Also our little one loved a swing and ewen the sheep.

I also have a 4 week old son. I have found with him and my DDs that when I am stressed, the baby picks up on it. However hard it is, try to relax - go to sleep, or for a walk on your own. Once you are feeling calmer, you can try again to get baby to relax. I know it is hard. I have been through it with my son last week. as soon as I was more rested,, and calmer, the baby seemed to relax too.
I think that because they can't communicate babies pick up your mood and the atmosphere a lot more than we realise.
Also, have you tried music. DS loves gentle calm music and often will fall asleep when I put it on.

Jesus everyone jumping on the husband despite op saying that's not what she's asking

@Ahorsecalledseptember I feel your pain, I have a 3 month old who also expresses his displeasure at you sitting down when trying to get him to sleep and gets overtired very easily. Have you tried a bath with Johnson's bed time bath? Or the lotion of the same kind? I was sceptical about it but the first time we tried it he was fighting to stay awake for his bottle after 10 minutes.

Also when they're this over tired expect very short but frequent naps until they catch up. So half an hour asleep, then you'll have to soothe to sleep again to extend it until theyve had a decent amount of time combined or its time for the next feed. Obviously I'm only a few weeks ahead so no expert advice here haha but this is what I found worked for us during the overtired meltdowns.

Good luck!

Oh and white noise needs to stay on for the whole sleep. Dont turn it off when they fall asleep.

This sounds really tough, especially when you are adding in expressing. Do you have a bubble at all that someone can sit with the baby for a few hours to let you catch up on sleep? I had one non sleeping baby and know that struggle and remember my MIL coming round and settling him for 5 hours after we had been up literally all night.

1. Swaddle. He will hate the swaddle initially. He doesnt want you to put him down! But realistically you need some rest. Try swaddling him really tight (leaving a bit of room at the hips) and then pat him with the dummy in. The fact he likes the sling suggests he likes being wrapped tight, just would prefer to have you attached to him.
2. White noise. You want to find the white noise app/youtube and have it as loud as your hoover would be. You'll get very used to falling asleep with it!

3.Blackout blinds/curtain/tinfoil on the window. If you do manage to get him down you dont want the sun peering in and ruining all your hard work.

1. Routine. I was staunchly anti routine for my first baby but the second boy I expressed for a year and naturally got into the way of a 3 hour routine after I pumped he had a feed so I could get a proper rest in between. It meant he didnt get overtired so got to sleep easier in the first place. Totally understand it's not for everyone though.

Everything seems a lot when you are so exhausted, he will fall asleep again, without being in the sling and you will rest it's just finding what works

Had a similarly tough newborn who had awful colic and sleep was all over the place. I quickly realised I wouldn’t cope without the sleep so DH and I took turns to do the night shift. Yes he was back to work by then but he realised how hard it was so we each took it in turns to have a proper nights’ sleep followed by an awful night! That was the only way to keep our sanity.

Have you actually left him to settle on his own or will he just scream? If he's happy and content I would just leave him in his Moses basket for a while.

Have you looked at these? Mine slept so much better on their tummies, but as that isn't recommended I wonder if this would help?
https://www.uberkids.com/babocush-newborn-comfort-cushion-bcubb-bbcc-001/?istCompanyId=37dca0b5-f08f-460a-9189-9153d7108287&istFeedId=b9ff17e0-1a2f-4169-bb0c-0c815ad88867&istItemId=wlxtwlqxq&istBid=t&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2a-ugf6a7gIVx-vtCh3oEQOeEAQYAiABEgLWfDD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds