Newborn not napping well in the day

[bleachblondemom]

My baby is 3 weeks old and for nearly a week he’s struggled to nap during the day. Sometimes he has 2-3 hours, but a lot of the time I can only get him down for about half an hour. He spends so much time awake it worries me as I’ve read they should only be awake for about an hour at a time at this age. His feeding is all over the place because he wants to eat when he wakes up then by the time he’s ready to sleep again he’s also hungry. He’s also noticing he’s hungry faster because he’s awake so gets into the habit of eating little and often. Advice online is confusing me because it says to keep day times bright and noisy, but that baby needs quiet and darkness to sleep. So how do I do both? For a start my house is not dark at all during the day so I can’t even take him to a darker room just to get him off to sleep. By the end of the day he is very grizzly and overtired because he hasn’t had much good quality sleep in the day/evening. But to be fair to him he does sleep some really good 4-5 hour stretches during the night. I feel like I can barely breathe when I put him down to nap during the day as I know he will wake up at any moment. Also feel like I’m having to force him to go to sleep rather than being able to spot his sleepy signs and just put him down and let him go happily to sleep. Any advice?

@Ahorsecalledseptember
I'm really sorry your baby is not sleeping either. It's impossibly difficult.

To answer your point about babies sleeping in the womb. In the womb babies are constantly held, constantly warm, constantly fed. They experience movement, the loud rushing of blood and your heartbeat. They fall in and out of sleep with no input. It just happens. The transition into the outside world is a shock - imagine feeling hunger for the first time, light, air, coldness, being able to move your body (not even knowing what a body is) for the first time after the holding constriction of the womb. That's the idea of the fourth trimester we're banging on about. Human babies are born so early in their development. For the first 3 months ideally they need as much of that womb-like state recreated, slings, being held, on demand feeding etc etc. It's why white noise can help with sleep. And movement. And swaddling. It's all recreating the womb.

The thing is, we have needs too. And sleep is obviously one of them! In many ways the fourth trimester is great for mum too. It encourages you to rest, to be as inactive as possible as your body transitions from pregnancy and heals from delivery. It's absolutely ok for you to have needs still and for them to be met, it just might be very difficult at this stage.

We're not meant to be alone at this time, not even in just a couple. Other cultures do this time very differently, with a network of support, so that mothers only have to tend to baby, they don't have to feed themselves, clean, and in some countries even wash - they are washed and warmed and massaged.

But that's not reality for many, far from it. And it's even harder at the moment in a pandemic. We have even less support than we might have done. It's incredibly difficult.

But it's not you and it's not your baby, being anything other than a baby. That's why we're recommending reading about normal infant sleep and the fourth trimester and forgetting about routines for now, just focusing on survival, and understanding that unfortunately your baby might not sleep as much as you need, or for long periods, even if it seems counterintuitive and you think it's what they need and therefore they should. Even with all the help in the world your baby might struggle to do things they need to do.

Birth experience can play a part too.

Honestly, it's really worth looking some of this stuff up. It might help.

It's incredibly difficult becoming a mum with the huge transition into motherhood, change of identity, hormones, anxiety, and then the sleeplessness on top. It's awful. But I'm afraid it's terribly normal. I feel sick saying that because I really, really do know how awful it is and I hated it so much. It's still hard now but not the same intensity.

It won't always be like this.

I know icratt

Honestly, I know. I wish I could make it all right for him but I can only do what I can do.

What I can do has included putting him in a sling, which he is fine with - as long as I keep moving. This is obviously hugely impractical.

I have two special ‘baby wearing’ tops, he liked being held in one today but then suddenly started crying for no apparent reason. I know there was a reason but I just can’t think what it could have been.

He is held by me so much. Rocked, loved, shushed, stroked, I have baths with him, I’ve walked miles in the wet for him, I have stayed up with him. I can’t do any more. He still won’t sleep.

@Ahorsecalledseptember

I’m losing hope here, day 3 of no sleep.

Yes, we all know fourth trimester but no one has a baby kicking them from the inside for twenty four hours. They do sleep in the womb.

Indeed. When you are moving. What happened when you went to bed/got in the bath? Your belly became a baby disco, I bet. So when they come out still = wake and move = sleep.

Yes that’s really helpful, thanks, I’ll walk around from between 11 pm to 7 am shall I.

@Ahorsecalledseptember oh god I’m sorry you’re still having difficulties with his sleep :( I honestly believe that one person alone is not meant to care of a baby. It’s not enough. Like @icratt said, in other cultures they have so many people around them to help take care of a new baby, it is literally raised by a whole community. We’ve evolved to live in smaller families, or even alone, but babies will always have the same needs.
@TitsOot4Xmas I appreciate you are trying to be realistic and make us see sense but your tone is very condescending, please understand that we are tired new mothers and all the ‘facts’ in the world can’t make us feel any better when we are exhausted and worries about our babies.

@Ahorsecalledseptember what kind of crib do you have for him?

That’s the thing, I am desperately worried about mine now.

Fourth trimester it may be but for the past two nights I’ve been unable to eat dinner because baby won’t be put down. He won’t sleep in the car so I can’t go anywhere other than to walk around with him in the sling and it was snowing today, and it’s a hilly village, if I slipped and fell that would be awful. (And I am a huge advocate of slings normally.) He won’t go in the pram either. So I am confined to the house with an increasingly agitated flailing baby who is weeping from sheer exhaustion and I’ve no idea what to do.

I would normally have my mom come round a few days a week for a bit to help me out but my brother tested positive for Covid so she’s isolating, and in these circumstances I can’t ask any other family member or friend to come over, my mom and her household are our support bubble. @Ahorsecalledseptember you should be able to have a bubble even in tier 4 because you have a child under 1.

It’s a next to me crib - he was fine with it just a few days ago but he won’t sleep anywhere now. Sometimes in the sling but even that is restless sleep that he jerks out of at a rustle or noise.

I’m wondering if I have upset him and made him scared and insecure somehow.

There’s no one who could help in any event so the lockdown is meaningless as far as that goes.

@Ahorsecalledseptember I wish so badly that I could just come to your house and take your baby from you for a little while so you could rest, I don’t even know you and I would do that in an instant if I could. Does your OH help to give you a break? I’m sure he does, I’m not one of those people who assumes the dad is useless just because the mom is struggling.

He does but it’s just so hard. He’s trying to work throughout all this.

There have been lovely moments but it all went to pot on Tuesday. I thought Tuesday was just a bad day. Then yesterday was another bad day. Now today is another bad day and I’m starting to lose hope of ds ever just nodding off and having a long sleep, which he desperately needs.

@Ahorsecalledseptember I'm sorry you're both having such a hard time, it sounds really tough and it fucking sucks.

You definitely haven't upset him though, his light sleeping and cat napping is just because he's overtired, the lack of sleep has activated his body's stress response system and releases cortisol and Adrenalin and his brain is acting to keep him awake even though his body is desperately tired. Then it's a horrible cycle because the more overtired he is the harder it is for him to fall asleep and stay asleep.

None of this helps you get him to sleep unfortunately, but please don't think it's your fault. Babies are just really really hard work.

I'm sorry it's so tough right now, I hope this passes soon for both of you.

That IS helpful. Thanks. I just wish he could fall into a proper sleep and stay there, he so desperately needs it.

Oh this reminds me so much of my struggles with DD. At first she would only sleep when held, we thought that was bad, then she would only sleep while moving... basically she got overtired and when they are overtired they just ping awake at the slightest thing.

My advice
1 - Do whatever you can to sort out feeding and wind. I discovered late that DD had a tongue tie and I had fast let down, together these were causing unsatisfying feeds and lots of trapped wind. If you are BF can you see a lactation consultant/BF counsellor (presume allowed in lockdown as health related). If you are FF then try different bottles. Either way spend a long time on winding - maybe half way through each feed not just at the end.

2 - Do whatever you can to get the naps in. Try to get out for at least 2 x 2 hour walks or drives per day to get two long naps in. I know the weather is shit, it was for me too, I remember walking in the snow... After a few days of doing this however she was less overtired and more likely to get to sleep/stay asleep. Also do not try to transfer a sleeping baby, stay holding them! Keep your phone with you so you can text for snacks etc (assuming DP around). Sleep begets sleep, it really does.

3 - If you need to nap don’t try to do it while the baby is asleep, you’ll just be worrying about them waking. Hand over awake baby (and fed if BF), put earplugs in and nap then.

4 - Don’t read too much into why some days went better than others, they are growing and changing all the time at this point, you can drive yourself mad trying to replicate that one great day where they napped perfectly.

5 - It will get better. Really all you have to do is keep you and your baby alive for a couple of months and even if those months are hell on earth, I promise it will be better at the end of them. They need less sleep by then so don’t get so crazy overtired, their feeding and digestion is better, it’s all better. I know right now a couple of months probably sounds like an eternity but just survive one day at a time.

X

Thank you. I will try to do better tomorrow, I wanted to walk today but I was scared of slipping in the snow.

Yes so sorry I wasn’t meaning to criticise you for not walking in the snow!! If it’s not safe then please don’t. I do remember a few hairy moments with the buggy slipping.

Maybe walk around the house if you cannot get out? If you have earphones put an audiobook or music on and walk up and down the living room or hall ... super tedious and a bit tiring I know but if it gets them to sleep...

I forgot to add 6 - don’t worry about routine or how they “should” be sleeping... at this early stage it’s all about sleeping as much as possible and getting feeding sorted...

Best of luck, it is hell on a stick but you will come through it. Side benefit - the toddler years will seem easy by comparison!!

I’ve had a better day. I stopped forcing him to sleep in his crib and just focused on him sleeping full stop. So he’s done all his naps on me except for an hours walk in his pram- i was hoping he’d stay asleep and I could leave him in his pram but it started snowing at the end of our walk which woke him up. Oh and this morning, he was lying on the bed with me and he fell asleep, independently, not on me/in my arms, on his back! I was shocked lol. Got a lovely hour and a half out of that! This evening I am wearing my ergo sling and I am so glad I got it, we could actually eat our tea at a normal pace, not rushing because one of us has to hold DS. I can’t remember the last time he had an evening nap, he’s normally wide awake from about 5pm until bedtime so hopefully we won’t have a crying overtired baby on our hands later.

Yay OP!

Yes morning naps are when they are least fussy about where/how they sleep. Amazing he fell asleep by himself on his back!

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well too.

Thank you, it’s hard not being able to rely on the next day beinga the same though.

I know... total lack of predictability/control is what I found hardest about being a new parent!! Well that and the lack of sleep.

It does also get a bit more predictable as they get older...

My midwife told me to start as I meant to go on, no darkened or quiet rooms for daytime naps, let them learn day & night. I put ds in his bouncy chair during the day, he wouldn't settle in his carrycot or pram at home, only when being pushed, just covered him up with a light blanket to make sure he wasn't too cold.

That’s great op. I’ve ordered a swaddle for ds, his flailing arms drive me mad!

@Ahorsecalledseptember fingers crossed it works for you! Is it one of the swaddle bags where they put their arms in the upright position?

@Ahorsecalledseptember

Yes that’s really helpful, thanks, I’ll walk around from between 11 pm to 7 am shall I.

I did it completely alone for 5.5 days out of 7 per week because DH was away. Nearest family hundreds of miles and my own 5000 away in a different time zone.

So I’ve been there. I know how hard it is. DD slept on me for the first 4 months. Her ear against my heart was soothing enough that there wasn’t any need to walk around all night. The only thing that will get you through it is lowering all of your expectations and working out what works for your baby.

I’m watching my sister try to shoehorn my nephew into what is convenient for her and he’s having absolutely none of it whilst she runs herself ragged. It genuinely isn’t worth it.