Newborn not napping well in the day

[bleachblondemom]

My baby is 3 weeks old and for nearly a week he’s struggled to nap during the day. Sometimes he has 2-3 hours, but a lot of the time I can only get him down for about half an hour. He spends so much time awake it worries me as I’ve read they should only be awake for about an hour at a time at this age. His feeding is all over the place because he wants to eat when he wakes up then by the time he’s ready to sleep again he’s also hungry. He’s also noticing he’s hungry faster because he’s awake so gets into the habit of eating little and often. Advice online is confusing me because it says to keep day times bright and noisy, but that baby needs quiet and darkness to sleep. So how do I do both? For a start my house is not dark at all during the day so I can’t even take him to a darker room just to get him off to sleep. By the end of the day he is very grizzly and overtired because he hasn’t had much good quality sleep in the day/evening. But to be fair to him he does sleep some really good 4-5 hour stretches during the night. I feel like I can barely breathe when I put him down to nap during the day as I know he will wake up at any moment. Also feel like I’m having to force him to go to sleep rather than being able to spot his sleepy signs and just put him down and let him go happily to sleep. Any advice?

@bleachblondemom I'm sorry I'd missed your posts about him not settling with light etc. I understand about feeling like he needs to sleep at a certain time/for a certain amount of time. Perhaps your baby, no matter what you do, just isn't going to sleep until later and so you could give yourself that hour with your husband, not worry about bathtime, as they get older that routine becomes more important but in these weeks it really isn't so much, you're not setting yourself up for failure if you take him to bed at 9.30pm after having watched TV and eaten with him in your lap.

Also about the slings, again you're really not setting yourself up or getting him into a habit of being held/moved. He wants/needs to be close to sleep at the moment. That will change. The sling is an answer to the reality of a baby, not a problem maker, if that makes sense...

Also echoing a PP, you can contact your HV (or the team) at any time, you don't need to wait. It's tricky at the moment and they can be busy but it is absolutely worth it and ok to contact them if you need or want to.

I felt so much like I was fighting with my baby about everything and with our second I've been able to be way more accepting and go with how he is, and it makes life much easier and I've been a different person. I still get upset when he doesn't nap at times when I think he needs it but I've realised it's actually most because I need him to be asleep so I can switch off. It's not that easy to do especially with your first. It all feels so critical, I do understand.

Aww addler he’s a week older than mine, mine is 4 weeks today.

It’s so hard though. Lovely but hard. I’m expressing milk now and I’ve given him to OH for half an hour but sometimes OH gets him a bit over stimulated so I’ll probably have to go out in the cold and wet (and dark!) again when I’ve finished expressing!

First ‘proper’ nap of the day where he’s not on me. Winning at life today 😂

DP has had him in the sling since his last feed, and I've managed to actually sit by myself in the bedroom and watch Netflix and just not be near another human for half an hour.

DP likes to go on his computer or do his painting hobby with the sling on, his desk chair rocks so he uses that if DS starts stirring.

Mine woke up

@icratt everything you’re saying is so lovely and comforting, thank you. But I don’t know if any of you are fully understanding how hard it is to put this baby down to sleep. I can’t just let him fall asleep on me and then transfer him to his bed when I’m ready. I really really wish I could do that. He’ll wake up once I put him in his crib (or after about 20 mins at the most) and be upset and struggle to get back to sleep. For him to go to sleep in his crib at night he needs to be 100% content. That means we have to feed, wind and change him, then try to settle him in the dark with no distractions or stimulation. If that takes too long he realises he’s hungry again and we have to do all of that all over again. It often takes us hours. This is what we have to battle with every night. And why I can’t get him to sleep in a crib in the day because there’s just no time to go through all that. But the reason he is so hard to settle on the night is because he’s overtired. So I’m just stuck for now.

DH has taken him for a walk so I’m in bed. Should be napping but I can’t. Too full of emotion from today. I’ll get up when he’s back and hopefully DS will sleep in his pram long enough for us to shove a frozen pizza in the oven and eat it. Then god knows what’s gonna happen tonight with him going to bed if he ends up having a big sleep this late in the evening. Feel like I just can’t win.

I think you are doing better than you think. Mine has been a nightmare today. He slept this morning in the car but since then only slept in the sling as I walked around a freezing wet village. He’s still wide awake in my arms now. It is so wearing and exhausting

What sort of crib do you have?

My DD (12 weeks) is the same at the minute, refuses to sleep anywhere / anytime during the day. My only saving grace is that she is good at night, so feel for you struggling with all day and night (but how long that will last is anyone’s guess).
It’s like a huge build up, first few hours of the day she will be ok, then gradually will get grumpier and grumpier until she is an absolute nightmare in the evening. As I have a completed overtired baby!! Gone are the days where she use to sleep anywhere for hours on end.
It’s so tiresome, I’m a single parent, so don’t get a break. I’m trying to cook, clean, look after myself and her. Whilst also working freelance, just to pay the bills! So now she doesn’t nap in the day, I’m working long into the night, so whilst she gets some sleep, I don’t. I have pins in my collar bone and a bad back so can’t use a sling.

@bleachblondemom hope you managed to nap!

@Ahorsecalledseptember sorry you’ve had a bad day too :( I do feel better having talked to DH about how I feel when he came home from work today. I feel awful that he has to come home to a miserable wife. He had been to the shops and bought me a bunch of flowers, some snacks and an iced coffee (my pre-pregnancy obsession) as he knows I’ve been feeling down the last few days, he’s so great and I always feel like he deserves better than me. He says he’s going to do the first feed in the night tonight so I can get a bigger stretch of sleep, I’ve been doing them all in the week so he can get plenty of sleep ready for work.
I got a next to me crib which we’ve been using since Sunday as DS is nearly as big as his Moses basket. It’s good that I don’t have to get up and go over to his basket, but it hasn’t really improved DS’s sleep. Although last night I ended up moving myself down the bed so that my face was right by DS so when he stirred I could shush him and stick my hand out to him, which was good. He’s just so unsettled lately, always thrashing around and waking himself up. I don’t know why, he’s only started doing it since the weekend. Normally once he’s asleep he doesn’t move much until he’s ready to wake up. But now he’s kicking his legs around, waving his arms around, last night I was constantly waking up to soothe him.

@@DressingGown87 I’m sorry, that must be so tiring for you. I cannot imagine doing all this on my own, at least evenings and weekends I have DH to share the load. Do you have a sling so you can get things done while she naps/rests on you? I’ve just ordered the ergo aura sling as I’m not keen on this boppy comfyfit one. And nope I’ve just lay in bed awake even though I’m super tired!

Everything you describe is completely normal.

Your baby should still be inside you. When they were - not so long ago, they were constantly held, fed on demand, rocked to sleep, could hear your heartbeat/tummy noises/voice. Now compare it with what you are expecting a premature human to do. (All human babies are born 3 months early.)

Cot doesn’t move. Can’t hear comforting sounds. Not held secure.

He won’t be prompted by baths or anything else at this age. And baby sleep isn’t linear. It will be good, then bad, then good. Check out the Wonderweeks. Your baby will double in size and lay down over a million neural pathways a day. Cuddles and low expectations are the order of the day.

(Did it alone for 5.5 days a week as DH worked away. You gotta do what you gotta do and don’t fight nature!)

I’m pretty worried about mine too now, he’s been awake since 4. Took him out I. The car and hasn’t worked. Just showing no signs of sleep.

My baby still naps on me at 9 weeks. It’s not ideal but it means she gets some day sleep as she is also wide awake the second I put her down. I’ve just accepted that’s how it is for now and it will pass.
Previously she wouldn’t go anywhere near the bedside crib but I’ve had some progress in the past 2 weeks (I think we’ve had about 5 nights where I’ve been able to put her in it when she’s fallen into a deep sleep) I try every night so that’s probably only about a 5% success rate but you’ve got to celebrate the little wins!

@bleachblondemom
I do understand. That's what I'm saying. I totally get it. My first baby did not sleep unless held or moved. He'd wake up every 20 minutes if he did settle at his worst which went on for months, day and night. I felt I was going to die. I had PND through exhaustion.

That's why I'm saying, like @TitsOot4Xmas said, don't fight it - if he doesn't want to be put down, don't try right now. It's not abnormal or something wrong. Not all babies are like this but honestly I think that's luck or something. It is so unusual for babies to be put down and sleep. My second did for 4 months. But it's not linear. Despite those 4 blessed months of number 2 only waking twice in the night, I am back to desperation point at times in the middle of the night as he wakes for 2+ hour blocks and needs resettling every 30/45 mins in the evenings, I've lost my precious time with my husband or myself and it sucks. But I knew that might happen this time so I made the most of those early months before he needed a bedtime routine, and I actually cherished his nightly waking (because it was brief and I had the comparison). Today he also woke up after 5 minutes of a nap earlier and I felt that disappointment and desperation again to have some time to sit down with my firstborn on his own. With my first I was seeking a goal and it never came. He still wakes up in the night at nearly 3, it's just he doesn't need me so intensely any more and I'm lucky enough to have my husband who comforts him as I'm with the baby. It's about expectations and if you go down a Google wormhole about sleep I'm afraid there's a lot of stuff which doesn't reflect the reality I and many many parents experience, like lots of others are saying here too. And noone seems to talk about the common realities of baby sleep until you're in it, and even if they did I just don't think you can understand/feel it until you're in it.

The difference with how I cope with these changes in my second baby is that I now don't expect him to sleep, I don't expect that I can do much about it, I don't pin it all on myself, I let my husband help, I do whatever I can to preserve my sleep and that of my baby - and if that means I hold him all night - safely - then I do. I can do it this time because I know this time will pass. It's torture and there's a reason sleep deprivation is used as such. But I know now it passes and I let go of the goal. Keep talking about it and venting and sharing because that's so important too. Your feelings really matter and this is a very difficult time. I hope it gets easier for you soon.

@icratt sorry I didn’t realise you were going through it so heavily with your second. I was going to ask how you both sleep at night if baby just wants to be held? How do you do that safely?
Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it has helped me feel better. And I think you’re very brave!
DS is currently having one of his crying fits which I personally think is from gas/tummy ache. We have some gripe water which I would consider trying now he is 4 weeks old but DH is against it. It doesn’t help that DS just won’t stop eating even when he’s feeling like this which makes it difficult to wind and soothe him.

Have you tried colief? It helped us.

Mine zonked out after his 10pm feed and woke up again ten minutes later, I am seriously bewildered and a bit frustrated and very worried.

@Ahorsecalledseptember my DS has been doing the same thing all day, I couldn’t believe he was only satisfied with those 10/15 mins at a time. In fact he’s done it now, we’ve just put him down after he fed to sleep, bet you anything he’ll be awake very shortly :(

Mine is now in his Moses basket snoring next to his dad. I gave him his 10 o clock formula at half nine in the hope it would stop him crying and send him to sleep. I don’t know what time he had his 1 o clock breast feed. I’m expressing for him now.

I don’t mind the odd bad day like that but that’s the second in a row and I am exhausted.

@Ahorsecalledseptember sorry you’ve had a rough night, sending you loads of hugs and support.
DS was an absolute pain last night, we went upstairs about half 9 and he didn’t settle til about 12am. He just won’t stop moving his arms and legs constantly and making all these really loud grunting and snorting noises. Is it wind? We wind him for ages and get as many burps up as we can but we can’t just wind him for hours. He’s only just started doing this this week. And he’s got into the habit of needing a dummy to settle, whereas before he only needed it about half the time so I only gave it him when absolutely necessary. But then I have to sit/lie next to him trying to keep it in because he’s still rubbing his hands all over his face and knocking it out even though I know he wants it. We just don’t know what to do to make him happy enough to go to sleep.

That sounds exactly like my ds, I’m absolutely shattered. Had an awful night and today isn’t looking great either.

we’ve just put him down after he fed to sleep, bet you anything he’ll be awake very shortly

Normal.

He just won’t stop moving his arms and legs constantly

Normal. He’s just realised he has arms and legs and is working out how they work

making all these really loud grunting and snorting noises. Is it wind?

Normal. His body and gut are adjusting to being fed by mouth rather than directly into the stomach.

And he’s got into the habit of needing a dummy to settle, whereas before he only needed it about half the time so I only gave it him when absolutely necessary.

He would have been rocked to sleep by your movements 24/7 for 9 months. He should still be inside you, being rocked to sleep and snuggled constantly. His brain doesn’t know what you know.

You have to let these unreasonable expectations around sleep go. You’ll drive yourself mad.

Read up on the fourth trimester.

@bleachblondemom It's ok - I'm sharing so much about my experiences because I've learned this is very much how babies are.

I really echo @TitsOot4Xmas last post. Have a look at the fourth trimester. That kind of jerky movement is completely normal. And the noises too.

I'm breastfeeding so we cosleep more often than not. If you look up the Lullaby Trust website there's advice about safe cosleeping, about reasons why you shouldn't and how to do it safely. He sleeps beside me and I'm curled around him. He does have a next to me crib and that gives me reassurance as he would roll into that and not the floor. I do put him in there at times if he's settled and I'm awake but more often than not he'll wake quite quickly, whereas if I keep him close to me we both sleep more.

I’m losing hope here, day 3 of no sleep.

Yes, we all know fourth trimester but no one has a baby kicking them from the inside for twenty four hours. They do sleep in the womb.