Is it okay for my DH to sleep in bed with my dd?

[bigbirdbetty]

My Dd has always been quite an anxious child, she is now 11. She used to come and try and get in bed with us every night because she hated being on her own and we had to comfort her and get her back to hers. Anyway we made an agreement that she could stay in with me once a week on a Saturday night but that she should try to stay in her room otherwise. Her Dad would just kip in her bed.
This has worked really well and she looks forward to her sleep over and stays in her bed the rest of the week. Occasionally I go away for the weekend and up until recently she would stay in with her Dad instead of me. I haven't been away for ages because of COVID but I'm just thinking that when I do is it getting inappropriate for her to stay in a bed with him.
Please understand I'm not thinking my DH would do anything, I'm just wondering if it's weird or wrong. She still wants to and I don't know how I would explain that she can't. Just interested in what people think please.

Of course it’s fine, just let your DD lead.

I slept in my Mams bed until I was about 12. No harm that your dd stays with DH.

I don’t think it is an issue.
Both myself and DH have slept In the same bed as our teenagers when away.

I do like the idea of the bed in your bedroom as a compromise. And yes she is unlikely to want to do that for much longer.
The key here is to be sure SHE isn’t feeling uncomfortable more than anything else

I wish mine would still nap with me😟

14 year old dd looks at me with eyes full of daggers of hate.

18 months ago she was still in our room

Of course it's fine! He's her dad and there's no suggestion of concerns about him.

It’s absolutely fine.

My two are that age, and if DH is away overnight, they take turns, or even all three of us, sleep in my bed.

On the very rare occasion I’m away overnight (I was a couple of weekends ago), they take turns to sleep in our bed with DH.

It’s perfectly normal in a loving family - and I know it will be only too soon when they will be too old to want to, so am making the most of it!

I would get help for the anxiety rather than carry this on
I was that child do I do sympathise

I would get help for the anxiety and let this carry on until she stops it.

I was that child, my dd was that child, so were both my SIL’s. She’ll grow out of it eventually. Forcing her to stop will increase her anxiety. Let her lead

Gosh I was that child and had terrible night anxiety. My parents used to joke that I would still be squashed in between them when I was 21.
I can’t tell you how awful I felt and then how safe I felt in their bed.
I did grow out of it an it never did me any lasting harm I know that’s not the answer to the question you were asking but I hope you don’t worry you are doing your DD harm letting her stay in with you. She will naturally stop needing you.
You sound lovely I would enjoy it while it lasts as long as she is well adjusted and happy.

Dd 12 and I wouldn't even think twice about it re sleeping beside her dad

I used to get in with my mum until I was quite old, like maybe 14 the last time I did it. It wasn't an issue.

I haven't read the whole thread. But of course it's fine. Please don't listen to people on here who are worried about it being inappropriate. Ultimately, she will decide when she's not comfortable (but as my sister happily shared a bed with my Dad a few years ago and she's 40....).

She's a child. and seeking comfort from mum or dad is perfectly reasonable.

I have an 11 year old and she occasionally sleeps in with me (bad dream or whatever). If anyone finds that weird they can piss off, tbh - same if she slept in with her Dad. She only really ends up with me because DH takes himself off to her bed for the extra space

I'm not sure about this. At 13 my DDs were kids in women's bodies and I wouldn't have wanted to share with them with either. DH never ever has had one of the kids in with him because his ex wife is evil.

Why would it be a bad thing? It is her father. And she is anxious. Of course, it's important to help her feel better sleeping in her bad, but parents are there to help and reassure their children when it's needed. 11 or not.

bed*

She’s eleven, a little girl ffs.

Of course she isn’t too old to get into bed with her Dad (or Mum).

What’s next? No cuddles? No holding hands?

Let her as long as she wants to. She won’t still be trying to get in at 17 will she?

@ilovebagpuss
I also remember being an anxious child. I went to my parent's bed because somehow only a touch of their hand or hearing them breathing close to me... and my anxiety was gone within seconds. Why would it be inappropriate, I would never understand.

I wouldn't give it another thought @bigbirdbetty, all four of mine have come into us for comfort at some point, my youngest is now 16 and will still sometimes hop in between me and DH if waiting for the bathroom in the morning. I also suffered sexual abuse as a child, but until I read this thread, I never ever considered that this might be inappropriate. From my experience with my older ones they all grow out of it at some point.

Do you think it’s a good opportunity to change the pattern? Maybe DH could sit with her in her room, holding her hand until she’s asleep? It’s what we do with our DD. She’s got problem with falling asleep on her own after this she’s fine and sleeps until morning. She could come if she’s scared but it’s very very rare. We also put her a small double bed in case one of us needs to stay with her. She loves the bed but falling asleep is still the issue.

It's okay for adults to sleep in the same bed every night but a child is expected to sleep alone in a different room. Never understood this view.

Green well he does sit in her room in the evening until she is nearly asleep, on the other days.

Wally she is nearly 12 and has started to develop. I suppose that's why I thought about it.

Thanks for the reassurance, I don't want it to be wrong and I suppose my heart says it isn't but I didn't know if it was something other kids did. My other DD wouldn't want to and never has.

It's okay for adults to sleep in the same bed every night but a child is expected to sleep alone in a different room. Never understood this view.

This has been her argument forever!

I don’t think it’s inappropriate because he’s her dad, I think that staying in her room every night until she falls asleep and her wanting to regularly share a bed with you at nearly 12 are the bigger problems. I would try and tackle the anxiety (I say this as someone with anxiety) because this is just a sticking plaster over the issue imo, she’s almost a teenager and needs to learn how to fall asleep alone and self soothe.

Why is she so anxious? Has a child psychologist/psychiatrist got to the root of the problem? She needs to develop some independence and self-confidence. At 11 I had periods and boobs. The main issue is why, aged 11, she needs her parents to stay with her until she falls asleep.

He's her dad! Of course it's fine