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Original poster

Is it okay for my DH to sleep in bed with my dd?

103 replies

bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 15:49

My Dd has always been quite an anxious child, she is now 11. She used to come and try and get in bed with us every night because she hated being on her own and we had to comfort her and get her back to hers. Anyway we made an agreement that she could stay in with me once a week on a Saturday night but that she should try to stay in her room otherwise. Her Dad would just kip in her bed.
This has worked really well and she looks forward to her sleep over and stays in her bed the rest of the week. Occasionally I go away for the weekend and up until recently she would stay in with her Dad instead of me. I haven't been away for ages because of COVID but I'm just thinking that when I do is it getting inappropriate for her to stay in a bed with him.
Please understand I'm not thinking my DH would do anything, I'm just wondering if it's weird or wrong. She still wants to and I don't know how I would explain that she can't. Just interested in what people think please.

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JustCallMeGriffin · 14/12/2020 16:12

I wouldn't flinch if DD age 13 slept in with her dad my husband. She's a very tactile child and loves being close to one of us...unlike her younger sister who is more 'cat' like and only offers physical affection on her terms.

With things like this you should be led by how your child feels, not the rest of the world. If your child wants to stop physical contact with others e.g. hugs then that's fine, likewise if they get comfort from physical proximity with a parent that's also fine. Your daughter will indicate in her own way when this doesn't work for her anymore.

You say you don't doubt your husband but mine would be devastated if he thought I felt the need to intervene with the physical contact he has with our daughters.

cabbageking · 14/12/2020 16:13

If she chooses to and can refuse I would not worry.

If she is forced and can not decline then no.

Autumn101 · 14/12/2020 16:13

It’s fine, DS2 will be 11 in March and sleeps with me frequently.

He’s an insomniac, as am I, as is my DM so I know how horrid it is to be awake for hours in the night - he can get back off easier on a bad night when he’s with me.

Well only stop when he decides he doesn’t need it anymore

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Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:14

Just I think he does want to comfort her but doesn't want to get this 'wrong' in the same way that I don't. The replies here are quite varied so some people do think it's inappropriate.

OP posts:
Clymene · 14/12/2020 16:14

It's absolutely fine. He's her dad and she is controlling it.

Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:14

Yes Autumn, I sleep terribly and I think she does too. My mum did too!

OP posts:
JustCallMeGriffin · 14/12/2020 16:15

Cross post, I didn't see before posting that you both had bad experiences.

My advice on being child led still stands. Your daughter has her own bed and is choosing to sleep in with her parent(s) when permitted. I don't think 11 is too old to be seeking you out for comfort/safety.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/12/2020 16:16

We put a bed in our room to help dd with this. She was still bloody scared in that!😖

She departed on her 13th birthday and now never leaves her own room.

Autumn101 · 14/12/2020 16:16

There’s definitely a hereditary link I’m sure!!! My other son sleeps like a dream and has since he was little, both always had same routines so it’s just how he is

Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:17

Arse I'm glad she got over it, that is reassuring.

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Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:18

Okay thank you Griffin

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Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 16:18

I also think this is fine and if she gets comfort from it then beneficial

On the flip side though if people knew she slept in bed with her father when you weren’t there then some nasty people may make very very negative comments about it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/12/2020 16:19

I was in Radio 5 talking about it!!!! And this sleep expert kept saying but she may never leave😁

I wonder if this sleep expert knew about teenagers....

Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:19

Yes this is what I worry about I suppose bluntness

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/12/2020 16:19

I would leave this decision up to my DH. If he felt uncomfortable with it, then I would have him explain to her that he felt she was a bit old for it now, but that instead... and then make up a new, special tradition of something that happens when you're away - a movie night in bed (then back to her own bed) or breakfast in bed in the morning, or breakfast out at a special place, whatever.

If he still wanted to, and she still wanted to, then I would leave the decision up to her, because she will absolutely inevitably draw away soon enough on her own.

Coronawireless · 14/12/2020 16:22

@Thatwentbadly

Absolutely fine. This situation is often used as an example on child protection training. It’s fine as long as DD freely chooses it and her own bed available as an alternative.
Good answer. We have the same situation with DD10 so I’m reassured by this.
Morgan12 · 14/12/2020 16:26

Totally fine imo.

My DS is 8 and still sleeps with me and he can as long as he wants to. So if your DD and DH are happy to do so then no big deal.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/12/2020 16:28

I think my dad would have felt extremely uncomfortable with that when I was 11. And I was a couple of years of puberty.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 16:29

As long as it's completely child led, so no expectations or "oh you coming in tonight" type prompting (not that that would be wrong,but it's good for her to know she's in control and her boundaries are important) then it's fine.

Who knows, she might not even ask next time you go away after so long.

Children sleeping with parents is not wrong. Children sleeping with parents for the wrong reasons(and that can just be because the parents like it or use it as an emotional crutch) is what's wrong.

DontStopThinkingAboutTomorrow · 14/12/2020 16:31

Absolutely fine IMO as long as both parties are comfortable with it

How does your DH feel about it?

funfunfunfunfun · 14/12/2020 16:32

Personally for me I think it's to old but do what works for your family.

Boymumzy · 14/12/2020 16:32

Are you joking? That's her dad, thats his daughter. I can't believe I'm reading this.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 16:35

Good friends of ours did this, and she didn't move out - and was still there at 13. It ruined their marriage. So it is not just about the child or the anxiety but a lack of intimacy between you and dh you need to consider too.

I would consider keeping her in her own bed as you have been doing, and staying with her on the odd Saturday night - not every Saturday, and gradually moving out slowly. Or a camp bed in your room, so she doesn't depend on sleeping right next to you to sleep, you can still comfort her that way.

I can't help but feel you are making a rod for your own back here, that she is soon going to be developing, and she needs other ways to cope with her anxiety perhaps?

DowntonCrabby · 14/12/2020 16:35

Her Dad whom has brought her up and known her all her life?! This is absolutely fine and the child will naturally grow out of wanting to sleep in with DParents.

Concestor · 14/12/2020 16:37

It's fine! My 11yo DD often gets into bed with us, we are her parents, as long s address happy with it so are we. It's nice to cuddle up.

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