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Original poster

Is it okay for my DH to sleep in bed with my dd?

103 replies

bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 15:49

My Dd has always been quite an anxious child, she is now 11. She used to come and try and get in bed with us every night because she hated being on her own and we had to comfort her and get her back to hers. Anyway we made an agreement that she could stay in with me once a week on a Saturday night but that she should try to stay in her room otherwise. Her Dad would just kip in her bed.
This has worked really well and she looks forward to her sleep over and stays in her bed the rest of the week. Occasionally I go away for the weekend and up until recently she would stay in with her Dad instead of me. I haven't been away for ages because of COVID but I'm just thinking that when I do is it getting inappropriate for her to stay in a bed with him.
Please understand I'm not thinking my DH would do anything, I'm just wondering if it's weird or wrong. She still wants to and I don't know how I would explain that she can't. Just interested in what people think please.

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Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:38

House I understand what you are saying but it is only once a week. We still have a close relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:39

Her bed is too small for me to go in with her.

OP posts:
movingonup20 · 14/12/2020 16:40

It's fine, it's her dad, she'll stop when she feels uncomfortable, though my adult Dd shared with her dad when they were away in the summer and accidentally booked a double rather than twin, it's no big deal

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Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:40

I think it is less about the anxiety now and more that she would always just prefer to be with us.

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Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:41

So we said just once a week

OP posts:
TreacleHart · 14/12/2020 16:42

I would not have a problem with this as it brings her comfort , but you could try saying it will become a once every two week treat after Christmas. Perhaps think of something else that's nice , her favourite magazine or perhaps a book to read.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 16:43

My dh at this age would stop being comfortable with this, and def not teen years. It rather depends on how he feels. My dds come in to our bed for a cuddle, but not to sleep unless they are very ill.

Why not switch to once a month? And then you will always be at home and it become an issue?

It is a strange age, and she might seem okay with it but then feel icky.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 16:44

**won't

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 16:45

Is she getting professional help for her anxiety? I would ask her counsellor for advice, the aim is surely that she becomes totally self sufficient beyond the normal love and affection, and feels comfortable and happy in her own bed.

Original poster
bigbirdbetty · 14/12/2020 16:46

She had some counselling a couple of years ago, she is a lot better now but has always preferred to be with other people.

OP posts:
GlowingOrb · 14/12/2020 16:48

I wouldn’t hesitate to let dd of the same age sleep with her dad. She prefers not to so we respect that. If she has bad anxiety she camps out on our bedroom floor or if it’s really bad, DH takes her bed and she shares with me. It’s really all about doing what people are comfortable with. The day either DH or dd becomes uncomfortable is the day it stops.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 16:49

@houseinthesnow

Good friends of ours did this, and she didn't move out - and was still there at 13. It ruined their marriage. So it is not just about the child or the anxiety but a lack of intimacy between you and dh you need to consider too.

I would consider keeping her in her own bed as you have been doing, and staying with her on the odd Saturday night - not every Saturday, and gradually moving out slowly. Or a camp bed in your room, so she doesn't depend on sleeping right next to you to sleep, you can still comfort her that way.

I can't help but feel you are making a rod for your own back here, that she is soon going to be developing, and she needs other ways to cope with her anxiety perhaps?

Lack of intimacy from one night a week? As that's OP's routine right now.
houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 16:52

The dd slept with her parents initially for one week, then it became two and then she was being bullied, so it was every school night. It ended up being every night. Be mindful that it doesn't grow into something that is very hard to change. They tried everything, dh sleeping on the floor every night to keep her in her room, sleep counsellor etc. It was nightmare for them and totally ruined their marriage.

houseinthesnow · 14/12/2020 16:54

Personally I would be restarting the counselling, and making sure she is fully supported, she is quite young to have anxiety. As she gets older it may get worse without help - as the pressures tend to grow as they move into the teenage years.

Enormouscroc · 14/12/2020 16:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

TidyOmlette · 14/12/2020 16:56

Of course it’s fine. Your child is asking for comfort from her anxiety and she’s using a parent who is supposed to provide her with the love and comfort required.

I can’t believe people would refuse their child this, especially when it’s anxiety led.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/12/2020 16:56

@bigbirdbetty

If sleeping with her Dad comforts her, then let her do that. She'll stop when shes ready.

Same with sleeping in with you, if you're fine with it (and it's not disturbing your sleep too much) then it's fine, she'll stop when she's ready.

It's not inappropriate for her to sleep with either of you.

combatbarbie · 14/12/2020 16:59

Interested in the views of those who are saying its inappropriate?? It's a child and parent.... My 13yr old still snuggles in with us from time to time. I enjoy it, for me it's physical closeness that I miss from when they were younger. I don't for one second think my husband would then turn into a paedophile!

I gather this would not be the same view if the child was a boy 🙄

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/12/2020 17:01

Whether she needs counselling or not is only something you can decide. But just because she prefers company when sleeping doesn't mean she needs it.

Fyngal123 · 14/12/2020 17:02

Ask yourself if your child was a boy and needed you to comfort him at same age wwyd? Is it because she’s female you worry? Can single fathers not comfort their daughters? What are you scared or worried about? Are these warranted concerns, can you mitigate against them.
Personally I’d be led by the child. Provided all parties are comfortable I don’t see the big deal.

NewLockdownNewMe · 14/12/2020 17:03

I think there’s two different questions being answered here:

  • is it ok for an 11 year old to need to sleep with a parent one night a week

And

  • is it ok for that parent to be the father?

I think most of the people saying this is inappropriate are commenting on the bedsharing full stop, not the fact that it’s her father. Personally I think there is nothing inappropriate about it, you just need to keep an eye on the fact that this can’t/won’t go on forever, so you may need to work with her on other ways to address her anxiety.

VienneseWhirligig · 14/12/2020 17:04

I shared a bed with my gran until I was 18 - even though I had my own room and bed. It was a comfort thing and also having someone to chat to when neither of us insomniacs could sleep. I wouldn't worry as long as she is comfortable with it.

Momsincharge · 14/12/2020 17:05

Dads are allowed to nurture children too.
She will stop it when she starts to feel awkward.

BeTheHokeyMan · 14/12/2020 17:06

I don't think it's inappropriate at all once she is comfortable and wants to sleep there? My children will still nap with me or sleep in my bed when dh isnt there and they range from 21 down to 9 ! Mix of boys and girls too

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 14/12/2020 17:07

Does your dh wear pj's? My dh isn't dc friendly first thing...

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