DH does not enjoy being a parent....

[Butterybiscuitbasebase]

Hi all,

My husband just admitted he doesn’t enjoy being a parent. He doesn’t like the loss of his free time or the day to day slog of being a parent.

We have 2 DC. DS1 is nearly 3 and DS2 is 3 months. He has suffered with depression since the birth of our first son and is on antidepressants so I knew he has found things tough so I am not necessarily that surprised. I think Covid has compounded everything as he can’t get time away doing the things he enjoys (pub/rugby/golf) and is working from home with a baby around all the time. He is great with the kids and obviously loves them but he can get snappy and bad tempered when with us all for too long.

I am posting this as I need some advice. How do I deal with this? He has had counselling before which he didnt get on with.

Do you think a lot of men (and maybe women) feel this way they just don’t admit it?

Thanks for reading!!

Tell him to go out for an hour walk every day
Tell him to speak to his therapist

Does he want to get past this or just moans?

Tell him to go away for few days and decide if he wsnts to be with you all or not.
Parenting isnt all fun and games but he has to mske the choice to be part if iit good and bad.

If he does love them he has to suck up the loss of freedom for 15 years. That is life. Tough.
And if he feels bad tempered take himself away for an hour...and give you breaks too.

Thanks for your response!

I do encourage him to go out for a drive and get some space and that can help but sometimes it’s like he wants to just feel grumpy and stubborn. I’ve suggested he goes out for an hour or so at the weekends so he gets a bit of a break, but he says he doesn’t see the point at the moment as he can only go for a walk. Hopefully lockdown easing (we are in England) will give him some more options.

You’re at a tough stage with such young children and the pandemic restrictions. It definitely gets easier as they become more articulate and can do more with you. My DH used to go to Cubs with DS (here, they have to have a parent accompanying them to everything) and they had so much fun learning new skills, camping, doing activities, etc.

He needs to look beyond the current situation and realize that things will get better. I think you need to tell him this- sounds abit harsh- but he’s a parent now, he decided to have children and this is his life.

Plus the freedom does return when they’re older. Although teenagers ( mine are 15 & 12) can be annoying at times! They’re interesting people, though, if opinionated and sometimes lazy.🤣

Did he want to have children?

I could've written this myself.

we have DS2 and i'm pregnant. within the last month my OH's mental health has declined considerably, but I do think he has been suffering in silence a while before this.

it doesn't help that the gym was his only 'me time' and release, and now obviously they're shut.

its been a tough week, and I have a feeling he will just give up and walk out. its awful

I agree, parenting is so hard at this stage and i'm nervous about having 2 too, but I feel that stereotypically, women just 'get on with it' and men do seem to struggle more.

no advice as such, just empathy and a lot of hope that both of them will come out the other side.

if you're up north please send me a private message, there is an amazing club with multiple venues set up specifically by men to deal with men's mental health. i've persuaded my OH to go next week. maybe yours would consider this if he's already on tablets? my OH point blank refuses tablets.

its tough, hang in there

Did he want children? I often think Dh liked the idea of them and not the reality. He's a grumpy fuck and we are bordering on breaking up. He doesn't enjoy them and it makes me so sad.

Loads of people feel like this. It gets less as the kids get older. You start getting your life back and the children change from being a full time job/chore to people you enjoy spending time with and sharing experiences with.

Not many people admit it, but having young kids around is miserable, especially with working from Home and all the current restrictions.

His relationship ship with them will grow

Is it that he doesn’t like being a parent or just that it’s hard work and bloody tiring with such small kids? I found it really tough at times when ours were little. Love my kids. Not that I didn’t want to be a parent. But bloody hell some days were hard.
Is he doing CBT or other counselling? Hope you have someone looking out for you top OP. It’s not all about him.

@TMIincoming x post. I admitted it! And I’m talking pre Covid!!

Buttery:

Do you think a lot of men (and maybe women) feel this way they just don’t admit it?
....
Yes. It's a mixture of hard work and occasional joy. It takes time to adjust to not being such a free agent any more.

I'm sorry your husband is depressed and no doubt Covid-19 makes it worse.

Presumably you are as constrained as him regarding being free to go out as you choose, not just at the moment.

When the restrictions are lifted, try to work out a system where you each have free time to pursue hobbies, go out or just stay in bed and read if you wish. It will give you each something to look forward to.

However, the responsibility and constraints of caring for young children does improve and in time, he will be more used to it and the good bits will outweigh the drudgery.

When husband is able to go out to work again, you'll find that his attitude improves. If you're planning on returning to work you will probably feel better too.

This flipping lockdown is no friend to people with young children, especially if they are working from home. You have my sympathy.

I would dare to say that MOST men have no interest in parenting and child-rearing. It's an endless, thankless, boring, expensive drudge.

Having children will destroy all but the strongest marriage/relationship.

A lot of men make all the right noises about wanting to be a Dad, but they have absolutely no idea of what that means. The level of input and responsibility it takes is enormous, and most of them just aren't prepared to put in the effort and step up.

@AmandaHoldensLips

I would dare to say that MOST men have no interest in parenting and child-rearing. It's an endless, thankless, boring, expensive drudge.

Having children will destroy all but the strongest marriage/relationship.

A lot of men make all the right noises about wanting to be a Dad, but they have absolutely no idea of what that means. The level of input and responsibility it takes is enormous, and most of them just aren't prepared to put in the effort and step up.

Wow. Generalising much?

What an awful post

My ex loved babies and toddlers, but not so much older stages. Some men (and women!) prefer the older ages. And everyone loves it when the kids are old enough to leave at home for a while so parents can go to an appointment or shop. Remind him that this stage will pass so quickly, and the children will grow up so fast, you’ll both wonder where time has gone. Meanwhile, he needs a breather once in a while, a chance to get away, maybe more so than you at this stage?

Did he really want the children or had them because its 'what you do'?

I am childfree and value my time, adult interests, financial stability and freedom despite liking children. If I ended up with a child (I take regular pg tests to ensure I don't end up with a post 24 week surprise), I would have to step up but would be miserable. I'd probably love my child and I would likely be a good mother but I would hate the impact on my lifestyle and would be depressed and resentful.

Not everyone is cut out for parenting and many don't think it through properly before committing.

Do you enjoy parenting? Would you enjoy it more without him? Do you think it will get better when they are older and more independant?

Thank you for all the responses!

We did both agree that we wanted both children but it was much harder than we were expecting when DS1 and then Covid hit when I was pregnant with DS2 so that’s made it harder.

Thank you to all the people who are going through it too. You have my sympathy and I said hugs. It’s a horrible situation to be in I know.

I do feel that we are at rock bottom at the moment and he hasn’t left so I don’t think he will. He has a strong sense of responsibility.

I do need to carve out more time for myself and I can be bad at this. Sometimes it is just easier to do something with the kids myself when I know it will stress him out but it really wears me down.

@crimsoncattery what a gloaty and weird post. Regular pregnancy tests?

@CrimsonCattery

I do enjoy parenting. I find losing my independence really hard but I know that this early stage isn’t forever and I will go back to work and have a more balanced life.

I think he did kind of have kids because it’s “what you do”. I think we both did really.

I do think it will improve as they get older as it already was wirh DS1. Not being so constrained by naps etc made a big difference.

@MadCattery

I worry about them growing up so quickly like you say and him missing these early years and we can’t get them back!! I also worry he is ruining it for me as well.

Your comment about needing to accept he needs some more time away is spot on. I get obsessed with what’s “fair” when for things to be easier he needs more time out than me.

@CrimsonCattery. I think having sex without using contraception ( at least twice) is an indication that he wanted children!

If he didn’t, he’d have done everything he could not to make the OP pregnant.

This is a weird time for everyone, OP, and parenting is definitely harder during the pandemic. 💐

@jessstan1 Thank you x

@Wolfiefan

He says he doesn’t like being a parent but I suspect it’s more being a parent of small kids which gets him.

He could definitely do with some CBT but is very reluctant to go. He gets very anxious about the kids especially if they are ill and it mentally really takes his toll.

@helloxhristmas

Really sorry to hear you are having a tough time too.

I think a lot of people have kids 'because that's what you do' when you get married OP and whatever public show they make, it's not all building sandcastles on holiday or decorating the Christmas tree with carols playing gaily in the background - there's a hell of a lot of tedious drudgery too. So talk to him, say you understand and that you get it that it's not all fun and games. Just knowing that your OH feels that way too can help.

If he misses the pub is there a mate he could meet in the park and kick a ball around with or have a can of lager? If he normally goes to the gym I bet he's missing the exercise, so a walk, run or bike ride might help his mood (I know it helps mine) and it's a darn sight better than sitting at home stewing and feeling glum.

Totally understandable, I have children similar ages and it's bloody hard work, and although I think they're worth it, I definitely struggle to enjoy it much of the time. Covid and lockdown haven't helped one jot.

Perhaps he could try CBT? It won't change the situation but might help him to feel more positive about it.

I think it's really important for both of you to have regular time to do things you enjoy; obviously this will be limited and you might only manage a small amount of time each, but make sure it happens.

I'm struggling with my mental health and adjusting to life with two children, so I often dread looking after both children by myself when DH isn't around to share the load, but I usually end up pleasantly surprised and have a sense of achievement when I've managed them and even enjoyed their company Your DH might feel the same if he gets into the habit of doing it and if he also benefits from a bit of time to himself, too.

Please don't fall into the trap of doing it all because he's struggling with depression, and putting yourself last after the kids and then him. You will only get exhausted and resentful. You should consider his needs but not ignore your own. (I say this to my own DH when I'm struggling and he's trying to do everything.)

He doesn't have the luxury of not improving his mental health so he can engage more in parenting; his children need him and so do you.

We both find it fucking miserable a lot of the time. You just have to suck it up and seek out as many positives as possible. It's bloody unimaginable sometimes. I can't even be ill in peace. It's fucked.