DH does not enjoy being a parent....

[Butterybiscuitbasebase]

Hi all,

My husband just admitted he doesn’t enjoy being a parent. He doesn’t like the loss of his free time or the day to day slog of being a parent.

We have 2 DC. DS1 is nearly 3 and DS2 is 3 months. He has suffered with depression since the birth of our first son and is on antidepressants so I knew he has found things tough so I am not necessarily that surprised. I think Covid has compounded everything as he can’t get time away doing the things he enjoys (pub/rugby/golf) and is working from home with a baby around all the time. He is great with the kids and obviously loves them but he can get snappy and bad tempered when with us all for too long.

I am posting this as I need some advice. How do I deal with this? He has had counselling before which he didnt get on with.

Do you think a lot of men (and maybe women) feel this way they just don’t admit it?

Thanks for reading!!

Parenting small children is utterly miserable. The problem is you don’t know how awful it is until it’s too late. We had originally planned to have 2-3 kids but after having our first child we realised what a burden and a drudge it was so decided not to have any more. Even so, with only one child the drudgery and sheer burden has still virtually destroyed our marriage. If your husband was already depressed after Child 1 then what on earth possessed you to have Child 2?

@PucePanther. The real issue though is that her DH isn’t dealing with his depression. He needs to get help and try to get better, rather than “battling on” as she says. It sounds as if he may need some professional help to do this.

I personally don’t think that MH problems like depression and anxiety (I’m diagnosed with GAD) absolutely preclude people from having more than one child, but you have to take steps to deal with them so you can parent well. I also don’t believe that relying on family support is always the best way to do this- essentially, you’re transferring the burden/responsibility to other people, rather than dealing with it yourself.

The pandemic makes everything harder, of course, especially for the other parent.

How often do you take the kids and head out to let him concentrate on his work? I think that might help - just go for a walk for an hour or two with them when the weather’s nice. Just a bit of time to do your work in peace helps a lot.

Another thing is to consider nursery for the 3 yo if possible - even if it’s just 2-3 days. That way at least the poor kid gets a break from your DH.

Do you think a lot of men (and maybe women) feel this way they just don’t admit it?

Yes, absolutely.

I think a large proportion of men who are fathers, possibly even a majority, father kids simply because it's a stated desire of their female partner, and they do it to keep the peace without really giving any serious consideration to the impact having children around permanently will have on their pre-children lives.

You only need to look at the hourly 'my DH is useless and pays no attention to his own children' type threads appearing regular as clockwork on MN.

FWIW I also believe there are a hell of a lot of mums who wish they'd never have children, or aren't particularly fond of the ones they do have. I know a couple personally who have been honest enough to admit to it.

Yes, a lot of women and men regret it. I do t think there's a lack of admitting it though, the opposite in fact, most people can't stop going on about how much they hate it. Search on here, you'll find heaps of threads about it, at least one a week. Search on reddit, there's a whole subreddit on it.

As for what you can do, there isn't much really. Share the load and both get time to yourselves, as it sounds like you already do.

I find it hard to understand why anyone would want children - they are repetitive, boring and draining. I suppose you have to have a real bond to them or have that primal urge to reproduce in order to find parenting anything other than drudgery! Maybe he just hasn't bonded that well yet.

Lots of sensible advice on this thread. Nothing to add really, except that parenting can be exhausting. I ended up separating when my youngest was two because DH had very fixed ideas in his head about how things should be and was not willing to be flexible for the children’s needs. I was also doing 99% of the parenting.

I guess I want to say that if he is not doing his share of parenting now, it is highly unlikely he would do 24/7 for half the week if you separate as a PP suggests. If you are the primary or main carer, you cannot actually make dad take the children half the time or even EOW and there is no guarantee that the children will be happy in that situation if they are used to mum. My ex still only has daytime contact as my youngest did not settle to overnights and ex just brought him back or youngest DC refused to go if he knew an overnight was involved.

The plus side to being single is that I do not have to cope with ex’s fixed ideas of how things should be. He really was quite controlling.

I do think there is a risk that if you do more and more to avoid him being grumpy, then it will begin to look easier just being a single parent. The PP’s who say he should start to take some responsibility for his mental health, for the sake of not only himself, but you and the children are correct. You cannot keep carrying the load, as you will end up exhausted and resentful. If you have another parent you can have a functioning marriage with, it is worth trying to sort that out the best you can, before you end up thinking it looks better being yourself. There really is no guarantee he will co-parent in a fair way after that either. However, you will not have to deal with his grumpy face.

Loads of posters talking about how hard parenting small children is and how you couldn't know before. I really strongly disagree with this. Everyone says how hard it is constantly.

Thank you for all the advice. I will take it all on board.

I don’t agree that you should know how hard it is before you have them. Yes people tell you it will be hard but unless you have actually lived in a house with small children I think it’s hard to understand. Seeing it for a few hours when socialising is not the same.

A few people questioning our choice to have a second. Maybe it wasn’t the wisest idea but we thought it was a good idea at the time as he was feeling much better.

I do take on more of the parenting but he isn’t useless by any stretch. He does all nursery drop offs for DS1, we split pick ups and bedtimes and we are both around at the weekends as neither of us have plans due to the pandemic. I just deal with the harder situations/am quicker to deal with things.

I think it will be important when things open up to make sure we both get time away. Like I said, I get Mum guilt going off to do my own thing but that’s my issue to work out.

Thanks again for the responses

This is why we chose to have just one, dh is a great dad now but he did really struggle with it all at first. I would have loved more but I also love my dh and i think to be a good dad to ds he needs to be happy too. Dh was always very open with me about how he felt and I think I always underestimated the effect it would have on his mental health. His passions/interests make him who he is and are part of why I love him. He would be a different person if he couldn't do these things. He is starting to pass these interests on to ds now so they are spending a lot more time together now and I get to have a bit of a break.

I don’t like being a parent. I hate the slog, the constant tension, the feeling of being trapped, the lack of free time and the fact it holds me back from pursuing other things. I get grumpy and stressed and snappy. People don’t want to hear that, particularly parents who love it and are fully kid focused.

I’m single, he opted the fuck out when he found it tough, making it twice as tying for me and for that I hate him.

Having said that I adore them, we do fun things, I love them endlessly, I would die if they were hurt and they are my family and my people forever hopefully.

So I get it. He isn’t horrible for saying it, he would be horrible if he acted on it. But by the sounds of it he’s doing child bases duties and loves them.

This lockdown is hard for people like him and me because the way we deal is by being adults “elsewhere” and that adult time balances the kid time. But working from home, no “non kid” based interaction, nothing fun to do breaks the spirit and fast. A walk or run really isn’t the same!

You need to hear him, make sure it isn’t an excuse for opting out. And if you can be his wife as well as the kids mum. Make some of your time with him a child free zone, although that’s bloody tough!

And fuck the mum guilt, I have 3 (he wanted lots, I was unsure about 1 the knob!). You need time to be you too, that makes you a better mum x

Sounds like a few issues come into play.

Depression needs to be managed but if counselling isn’t for him then pushing it will create more tension. Keep on with antidepressants.

He may be embarrassed to have mental health problems and that can make him reluctant to seek help. You can access NHS approved online CBT which is very effective. He doesn’t have to see someone else.

Can you get the little ones looked after for a couple of hours a couple of times a week so you can have some couples time? Childcare is permitted. Plan in shared pleasures or other activities.

Sleep. Sleep is probably the crux of early parenting. Exhaustion is easily confused with depression or just plain misery. Work out good sleep hygiene. Prioritise sleep. Nap all together at every opportunity and sleep train in a few months when the little one is old enough.

Get him exercising. Not going out in the car but running, outdoor swimming (the best for mental health and very sociable) or cycling. Golf even or tennis. Hard physical activity.

Make him do ‘men’s time’. Planned in time with your elder son doing something as two males together. Get him being the role model he needs to be - cycling with child on back in a child seat, getting mucky, doing jobs even. Going for fish and chips on a bench. Anything readjust valuable one to one bonding time. If he can find another father and son to partner with, so much the better. Meanwhile you can sleep with baby.

If you can afford a cleaner or mothers help for a few hours do it. Or ask granny to support you for a few weeks.

They get older quickly. It gets easier.

I really sympathise OP. You sound very caring and compassionate, and I think your OH just needs putting on the right track. I don’t think many of us are ‘natural’ parents, or enjoy all of it. I was really shocked that the input/output ratio seemed very high on effort low on reward for a long time!
I’m someone who struggles with a lot of time in the house, and no set routine, so lockdown has been very hard.
Something that worked for me, both in mat leave and again in lockdown, has been to artificially create a timetable, and stick it on the fridge. Could that work for you and your OH? So we have times where we go for a family walk and coffee, sometimes where I go for a walk alone with an audiobook, sometimes where husband goes for a run. Obviously there’s not a great deal to do right now, but it really helps us not to get in a cycle of ‘what the fuck shall we do now’.
Sending love. Parenting is hard and often I think men are overlooked in the mental health stakes- they’re expected to carry on working as normal, while bonding with their child, and having all the other stresses that come with it.
You sound like you’re coping so well, but as others have said- try and look after yourself too. Make sure you have a good support network- and also, make sure your husband has a support network that isn’t just you. It’s hard to be the sponge for someone else’s issues the whole time.
Sending love x

I think it does sound like he is doing some of the parenting and he loves his children, he has just verbalised what some people think but don’t say. Are there specific things you want him to do but he is not doing? What would happen if you stepped away from a harder situation and asked him to deal with it? (Maybe discuss first that this is what you want to do now and then; and if he does not want to do this, ask him why?). You are parenting quite a bit as a team (from my perspective having had minimal practical support) so maybe that can be a good building block to do more team work.
It does get easier as well. Ex finds DS much easier now he is older and able to have conversations and they decide what to do together.

As a man I can say that some of the other posters are correct about many men just not being cut out for parenting. Female hormones pretty much mean that if a man wants a partner after age 30 he has to agree to children but of the men I know with children I would say less than half wouldn't go back in time and not have them if they could.

I now find myself in the position of having a child. I was always dead set against the idea my whole life but found myself in a position where I had a choice between being single and stuck in rented accomodation forever or buy a nice big detached house and garden with my partner (her family has lots more money) and have a child. The terms of our deal are very clear though, it will be an only child and completely her responsibility, any input from me is totally discretionary as when i feel like it and she will pay for it entirely on top of her half of everything else. Even so I wasn't convinced it was a good deal then and I'm less convinced now but I guess time will tell.

Well you sound like an absolute charmer
Your wife paid a very high price for your sperm

NewUser
‘It’ when referring to your child????

If this is true, hopefully the wife with lots of money will dump your sorry ass in due course.

Fucking hell. Are we allowed to call people arseholes or is that classed as a personal attack?

Personal attack but it's sometimes worth it even though it will get deleted!

I'm childfree and I don't see any positives to having a child. Having said that, there obviously are lots for people who want them, it's just not for me. However I am in some childfree support type groups and everyone is always clear you should be honest with partners or potential partners. To put a child through having a parent who doesn't want IT because they want a wealthy partner and a house is shocking. Absolutely disgusting. Many men are childfree and find childfree partners, putting a partner and child in that position is absolutely disgusting. I can't even address that poster directly because the cowardice and attitude just sickens me.

@AnotherEmma

Personal attack but it's sometimes worth it even though it will get deleted!

I'm child free but I support your sentiment in that sometimes name calling is justified. Just wow!

Oh. My. God.

And that wanker bloke upthread is exactly why any woman who wants a baby might as well just buy herself a turkey baster. It's about as much "help" as she'll ever get from a man.

@JovialNickname. I agree that some people have an primal “urge” to have children; other like me want to create a family.

Yes, there’s definitely some drudgery but the positive part is that they’re only needy children for a short part of their lives and then they grow up to be interesting people just like us. 😄 I have teens so they’re currently interesting and argumentative too.🤣