DH does not enjoy being a parent....

[Butterybiscuitbasebase]

Hi all,

My husband just admitted he doesn’t enjoy being a parent. He doesn’t like the loss of his free time or the day to day slog of being a parent.

We have 2 DC. DS1 is nearly 3 and DS2 is 3 months. He has suffered with depression since the birth of our first son and is on antidepressants so I knew he has found things tough so I am not necessarily that surprised. I think Covid has compounded everything as he can’t get time away doing the things he enjoys (pub/rugby/golf) and is working from home with a baby around all the time. He is great with the kids and obviously loves them but he can get snappy and bad tempered when with us all for too long.

I am posting this as I need some advice. How do I deal with this? He has had counselling before which he didnt get on with.

Do you think a lot of men (and maybe women) feel this way they just don’t admit it?

Thanks for reading!!

He doesn't have the luxury of not improving his mental health so he can engage more in parenting; his children need him and so do you.

Well said, @NameChange30. I had to deal with
some MH struggles a couple of years ago ( needed professional help and medication) and doing it for my family’s sake was a huge motivator.
The outcome has been good for both me and them.

As a parent, you can’t just give up when you’re struggling. I’m not sure that the OP’s DH gas fully realized that yet, sounds like he’s letting her do most of the parenting. . I hope that not the case.

""He has a strong sense of responsibility.""

No he does not.
He is not taking responsibility to be a better parent and to take responsility for his mh

Si he can only go for a walk
So go for walk or run
Same for you too

His sense of responsibility means what exactly?
How does he show it?
Does he engage and be positives and show joy at jumping in puddles with the dc (pretending for them)

There are definitely times I don’t enjoy being a parent. I have two similar ages and they’re exhausting. The eldest wants to play superhero games constantly, while the baby climbs the furniture and eats cables every chance she gets. Hopefully it will get easier.

Think it’s important for you both to get a bit of peace now and again. If your eldest is three soon they will soon get free hours at nursery, is that an option so that you only have one child sometimes?

And does your husband have somewhere private he can go to work from home?

Does anyone really enjoy it though? This time of year , Covid , two very young relentless people . It's not fun is it ? Do they sleep ? It gets much easier as they get older .

I'm a therapist in a psychology team and have been thinking about the lack of services for fathers. I don't believe they suffer with PND as such but it's more 'adjustment disorder' in psych speak. Also the increase in responsibility for a baby can trigger anxiety and OCD type problems.

Am interested in developing a pathway into services for them but it all takes a long time to get going.

There are things he can be doing to lift his mood but he's got to commit to doing them. Walking/exercise for sure, minimal alcohol and talking therapy. CBT could be a good option but he'll have to commit to doing 'homework' between sessions as it's a very active type of therapy.

The thing is, very few people are prepared for the endless drudgery that is being a parent to very small children. And I have noticed a pattern: women tend to get on with it, and too many men tend to absent themselves because they find it boring. (This is a generalisation: I know there are plenty of exceptions.)

Your DH is a parent, whether he likes it or not. He's also an adult, and needs to take responsibility for his own mental health and carry on getting help, but this does not absolve him of the need for him to step up to the plate as a parent..

His dislike of being a parent is also not your problem to solve - although it obviously is your problem as it affects you. It's his to solve.

@AmandaHoldensLips

I would dare to say that MOST men have no interest in parenting and child-rearing. It's an endless, thankless, boring, expensive drudge.

Having children will destroy all but the strongest marriage/relationship.

A lot of men make all the right noises about wanting to be a Dad, but they have absolutely no idea of what that means. The level of input and responsibility it takes is enormous, and most of them just aren't prepared to put in the effort and step up.

My god, you must have had a really terrible experience to write something like that. There isn't really a kind way to say it, but that's utter bullshit. It's the sort of thing women who picked bad partners or bullied their OHs into fatherhood say to justify the situation they've ended up in.

There are thousands of women probably feeling the same. The difference is in the main they don't up and off. That's the real fear here I suppose.
I would be sympathetic to a point but make it quite clear that if he walks, he'll have sole responsibility 24/7 half the week, so it's in his best interests to make this work.
Don't worry about not getting these years back. I found them hard. DS1 is 18 next week and I still don't regret putting them in nursery for a large chunk of their early years from a few months old.

@ArcheryAnnie

The thing is, very few people are prepared for the endless drudgery that is being a parent to very small children. And I have noticed a pattern: women tend to get on with it, and too many men tend to absent themselves because they find it boring. (This is a generalisation: I know there are plenty of exceptions.)

Your DH is a parent, whether he likes it or not. He's also an adult, and needs to take responsibility for his own mental health and carry on getting help, but this does not absolve him of the need for him to step up to the plate as a parent..

His dislike of being a parent is also not your problem to solve - although it obviously is your problem as it affects you. It's his to solve.

Agree with all this

I can Empathise. There are times where I don’t want to be a parent. I long for free time. I long for time to just think. And I long to not be mum.

I love my kids. But the monotony of life at present is blah.

I am on antidepressants and seeing a therapist for pnd.

Thank you for all the messages. I really appreciate the honesty from a lot of people.

I completely agree that he needs to take responsibility for his MH. He has the attitude that he can just keep “battling on” and things will get better. But his battling on is not changing anything and expecting things to improve. Rubbish if you ask me.

DS1 is in nursery 3 days a week already which is a god send at the moment as it means he is stimulated by the activities and interaction there.

DH does get involved with family time and the fun things like playing with DS1 and being silly together etc. He does do a decent amount with the kids and we are combi feeding this time round so that he does do more.

Thank you for all the comments suggesting I take time for myself. I am not great at doing this and then feel resentful so I need to work on this. I can be a bit of a martyr and try and keep going then losing it which I know is not good for anyone.

Again, thanks for all the comments. Sorry if I have missed anything

Not many people admit it, but having young kids around is miserable

@TMIincoming It’s not miserable all of the time though, is it? Some of the time yes, but not all of the time. There are lots of lovely moments.

[quote Butterybiscuitbasebase]@MadCattery

I worry about them growing up so quickly like you say and him missing these early years and we can’t get them back!! I also worry he is ruining it for me as well.

Your comment about needing to accept he needs some more time away is spot on. I get obsessed with what’s “fair” when for things to be easier he needs more time out than me.[/quote]
Don't let him get more time out. You are not 'obsessed' with what is fair, you have your own needs.

That's what I did with my DH - and it completely backfired. He had chronic depression and anxiety and 'needed' more time to himself, which meant I did more and more. Because he rarely did sole care and wasn't actually pulling his weight, he didn't truly appreciate how hard I was working, and how fed up and resentful I was becoming, and wondered vaguely where his fun, spontaneous wife had gone. When I finally had to share more of the load with him during lockdown, as we both work full time, he couldn't cope and moved out citing mental health reasons and ungovernable children (they're not angels but are generally said by teachers and my very frank non-British family to be pretty well behaved).

Playful Parenting is a good book, or The Incredible Years. There are lots of online parenting groups. But please don't give him an out, it so rarely ends well.

I know several men who really didn’t like the reality of having children and their marriages broke down. Many can’t handle the sheer relentlessness of it and the fact their partner’s attention is now focussed elsewhere. Not everyone is cut out to be a father unfortunately.

I think he did kind of have kids because it’s “what you do”. I think we both did really.

@Butterybiscuitbasebase genuine question - if he really struggles that much with being a parent, why did he go on to have a second child? Surely stopping at one would have been the sensible choice?

@OverTheRubicon

Sorry to hear that your DH moved out. I worry we could end up exactly down that path especially with leaving him with them both on his own. I feel like we almost need set times a week we both have “off” that are set in stone so that we both get the time we need.

I will look into those books straight away. Thank you!

@peasoup8

We had a second because we both agreed at the time that is what we wanted. More me than him but he agreed. We were not expecting a global pandemic and us both working from home full time in demanding jobs whilst looking after a toddler and me heavily pregnant and going to appointments on my own and facing the possibility of giving birth on my own. And now not being able to get support from family we were relying on or being able to properly socialise and go to soft play etc. All of this has taken its toll and whilst he probably would have felt the same if we hadn’t had these additional challenges, it would have been much more manageable and both of our MH would have been in better shape to help us work through it and deal with it.

Sorry, awful punctuation in that last message!

This is so much like my situation. Our first child is nearly 5 months and DH has had massive mental health set backs (he was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and adjustment disorder 7 years ago) when DS was born and reality set in he just went off the rails which was made worse by covid and gyms shutting. He loves and adores DS but I often feels like he regrets having him and has already told me that he doesn't want to go through all this again by having a second child. Honestly we've never argued more. Can only sympathise with what your going through !

My DH and I both found it very hard when our DC were little. We had a similar age gap. When our youngest turned three, things seemed to get easier.

You can't really do anything for him.

What you can do is make sure that you also get time away from being mum. It is cheesy, but DH and I alternate week nights to get out of the house. I get to the gym usually and he goes and does whatever he wants. It just stops all of the bickering and resentment building.

@OverTheRubicon. I’m so sorry this happened to you and quite frankly, angry on your behalf. When I was in a bad place a couple of years ago, I realized that I had to get better for my family- not bugger off and leave them ( unless I’d needed to be hospitalized).

I have huge sympathy fo anyone dealing with MH challenges, but being mentally ill isn’t an excuse to be selfish and/or leaving the other parent to cope with everything.

OP this sounds really hard. Where's your options to just say I don't really like this and not do it? Having said that I've been there with my mental health and still take medication.

I'm interested in the decision to have a second after the first was so tough and you both felt you had kids because it's what you do. It doesn't sound particularly self aware. A bit like his insistence he can troop on. Perhaps he feels hard done by in some way? Like you wanted the second? I mean he made it too so it's not reasonable. Just thinking about what could be going on for him.

@MrsMarrio I wonder whether your DH also considers how hard it is for you and your DS having a partner/Dad with MH issues?

If he finds parenting challenging, what’s it like for you with him not pulling his weight??

Also my sister's husband doesn't have mental health issues but he can't really have both kids on his own (1&4) for long at all. Or really the baby on his own. If he's on duty as it were and she's working he's getting short with the baby and grumpy. So she'll step in and it's a catch 22 because he then hadn't had to do that bit of parenting where you just suck it up. His behaviour is Probably like the behaviour you described. It has effected her mental health as she's kind of managing the status quo all the time. Stopping him from becoming exasperated. Then caring for the kids so she is really low on her own list of priorities.

I've seen how exhausting this is as you're not just dealing with 2 young children which is bloody hard anyway. You've got another person to manage. Honestly I'd reflect on what he's adding to your life as it sounds like he's just detracting from it.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 very very tiring! No sleep is ever enough at the moment and with covid my parents aren't around to help (not that I expect them too).
We had a stillbirth before our son was born and it has left me suffering with extreme anxiety and due to this me and DH we're not very close during pregnancy so didn't have a great footing into parenthood to begin with.
I get my son to sleep every night as noise really stresses DH out and triggers his MH. So when he tries to get DS to sleep he starts to feel stressed which then sends all the wrong vibes out to DS who then just screams the place down and I have to take over. Then up in the morning with the baby. It's exhausting!